Oh Hell No

oh hell no

What the fucking fuck?!

This is one of those times I can’t even begin to can’t even.

Cowboys? Bondage? Turducken? What’s going on here? I want my mommy!

TOM FORD’s boots grounded the debut look on the label’s Fall ’16 runway. Made from supple leather with a stretchy sock-like upper, they have a trio of tonal-brown and black buckled straps and are set on a sleek, sculptural heel. Team yours with midi skirts and cropped tailoring.

Oh please. At $2,450, I could only team them with a lobotomy.

oh hell noIs Tom Ford insane?

Who can finish this sentence?

These Tom Ford boots are designed for _________________________.








Posted in Fashion | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Kellyanne Conway: What A Fucking Cunt!™

kellyanne conway what a fucking cunt

I know it’s her job as Donald Trump‘s campaign manager to defend her employer, but Kellyanne Conways capacity and evident relish for lying is beyond anything I have experienced with my own eyes and ears.

At first, the lying and stonewalling seemed kind of fascinating. It was like a super-power: dispensing an endless flow of obvious lies while maintaining a cheerful smile, without blushing or laughing or a hint of discomfort.

Ask her something about Donald’s latest misdeed and she will  respond,

Yes and Hillary Clinton corrupt establishment rigged rigged rigged elitist jobs jobs TPP email!

Here she is in top form:

Here, she praises Trump for restraining himself during the first debate, out-cunting Megyn Kelly:

Struggling to defend the indefensible has taken a toll on Kellyanne, but when you sell your soul to the devil, shit happens. For one thing, it ruins your hair.

At this rate, she’ll be lucky to have any hair at all by November 8th.

May Kellyanne’s career be extinct after this shameless display of moral bankruptcy.

And speaking of morality, Kellyanne’s husband George T. Conway III is a pig prominent lawyer who has defended tobacco company Philip Morris, secretly worked for Paula Jones, and is a frequent donor to Republican candidates like Rudy Giuliani, Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Ted Cruz.

Naturally, the Conways are passionate about the unborn, while the born can go fuck themselves.

Let shills be shills, but this is a cunt bridge too far.




Posted in News, Rants | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Shoes That Speak For Themselves

Shoes that speak for themselvesThis shoe says “RUN!”

Salvatore Ferragamo is no stranger to maximalist footwear. These Fata sandals are constructed from an eclectic mix of tactile fabrics – note the green reptile-effect calf-leather front, suede trims, and mink-fur block heel and ankle strap. Consider them a fresh, contemporary way of offsetting a demure midi dress.


I agree they would offset a demure dress, if by “offset” you mean adding a note of pure horror. Look at the rear view:

shoes that speak for themselvesIt’s like a grizzly bear ate your feet and is trying to get away with it, like Nothing to see here, move along!


shoes that speak for themselvesThis new offering from Chloe says, simply, “I’m Sorry.”

Chloé’s ‘Liv’ boots are embellished with swirling silver, burgundy, midnight-blue and brown beads and finished with swishy fringing. Made in Italy, this black suede pair has a comfortable round toe and block heel.

Swishy fringing…the words alone are embarrassing.

shoes that speak for themselvesThey’re like someone trying to cover a big butt with a grass skirt. But it’s not their fault!

I forgive them.

But not Chloe.  $1,799





Posted in Fashion | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Men And Estrogen


Did you know that the average man has more estrogen than a post-menopausal woman?

This seems to have major implications.

But before I contemplate them, let’s remember that as men age, their testosterone levels fall, just as estrogen levels fall in aging women.

Doesn’t that suggest that the two genders become more alike, hormonally? Or more genderless, perhaps?

Testosterone is what men worry about most, judging from TV and radio ads. They want more energy and they want a stronger pee stream. They want to be more impressive, down there. All kinds of fake supplements promise to make these manly dreams come true.

But you never see ads that target female insecurity about being female. There are products we’re supposed to need to be more attractive, but none that promise to make us more womanly.

Personally, I already feel much too girly. I wouldn’t mind feeling more manly if it increased my sense of direction or gave me a taste for beer, instead of white wine. I’d like the opportunity to mansplain all the time. I’d like to appreciate hard rock more, and to not panic when my computer acts funny.

When I used to lift weights at a gym for bodybuilders, you could always tell who was on testosterone: The men had bad tempers and the women had facial hair. It probably increased their sex drive, but who wants to fuck a bad-tempered man or a woman wearing aftershave? They appeared to sublimate that drive by screaming “TWO MORE REPS!” and grunting like agonized pigs.

I’m going to do some research on the function of estrogen in men, but meanwhile here’s something interesting.

Another study found that testosterone supplementation in elderly men increased spatial memory and verbal memory. This testosterone supplementation also naturally increased estrogen levels due to the enzyme aromatase. If aromatase was blocked, estrogen would not increase and spatial memory improved, but not verbal memory.

Well duh, because men are good at spatial shit and women are good with verbal shit! Our brains are different whether you like it or not.

Unless, as we get really old, our brains – starved of hormones – begin to work alike, with both genders forgetting the name of that actor and wondering where they put the scissors.

Thoughts, cisgender men and women?


photo: Jay Boogie by Campbell Addy



Posted in Disorders, Houseboys, News | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Complaint Round-up, Take Two

don't you hate when this happensOkay, so there’s skin cancer, big deal, removed and stitched up. If it were a serious life-threatening form of cancer, I would ignore it.

But somehow, I’ve ended up making a million doctor appointments, as though I’m a car getting everything checked before a long trip.

Sticking with the car analogy, I don’t even want to leave the garage but I guess I thought I should know what condition I’m in, just in case.

Today I went to the eye doctor, who revealed that I can have cataract surgery, even though I wasn’t aware I had cataracts! What are they, even? All I know is, the surgery would improve my vision so much that I wouldn’t need contact lenses.

That sounds wonderful! Except there must be a downside, like possible blindness?

Who cares! Life has become a game of dodge-ball, and I was never good at that. Cancer, blindness, fragile bones, you try to keep ducking but there they are.

Also, and this is way too much information, for the first time in years I went to a gynecologist, who loved what she saw and said my muscles were too toned! She pressed several different places and asked how each place felt. Some were “Don’t love it”, a couple were “Ow”, one was “Nothing” and others were pretty nice, although I am too classy to say “Keep going!”

Later this week I have an appointment to discuss my shitty bones, and then a regular annual physical.

I feel a weird mixture of dread and elation. Dread of finding out awful things and elation at knowing I don’t care about dying, if only it would hurry up.

If you were ever a smoker, I’ll bet you think if you had six months to live, you would smoke your head off. If you’re concerned about your weight, you probably think you’d go on a wild 6-month eating binge.

Me, I eat cookies all night long, I don’t exercise, I don’t care about my cholesterol, I don’t want anything more than a little dope to smoke and something good to watch on Netflix. I’m ready to die, like Leonard Cohen was before he recanted, but first I have to go to a million doctors.

But here’s the good news: Two different blood pressure tests today at two different offices revealed that it was 150 over 80, and also 114 over 51.

So that’s a relief.






Posted in Disorders, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

I Speak Four Languages!

Posted in News | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Look At My Jews Over Here!

look at my jews over here!

Leonard Cohen has a new record coming out, and at 82, he reveals in a new interview that he is “ready to die.” Meanwhile, Bob Dylan has won the Nobel Prize for literature.

You may not care for either artist but that just means you have no taste or you’re a millennial or something.

I realize today how much both of them mean to me, how much I was influenced and inspired by them, that they are key figures in the soundtrack of my life.

Bod Dylan’s performance of Hallelujah, from 1988, isn’t the best cover of the song, but it’s stirring nonetheless, and it’s cool to hear.

What a great couple of old Jews!

L’chaim, motherfuckers!

(c) Leonard Cohen by Graeme Mitchell



Posted in Art, love, News | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments



While the news tonight is all about Trump‘s history as a sexual predator, I have trouble remembering that just yesterday I was trying to view him with compassion.

I was trying to view him through a different lens: He is a badly damaged person who was once a child.

All children are born innocent, and also helpless.

Then, someone fucks them up.

Of course, there is genetics, babies aren’t blank slates. But even for many serious mental disorders, it’s useful to point to the adage “Nature loads the gun; environment pulls the trigger.”

What happened in the Trump home? What happened to little Donald specifically to create such pathology?

Well, so much for compassion. I’m sick of this and so are you. That debate on Sunday was violating to all who watched. We don’t need to rehash it.

For those of us who grew up with a psycho in the house, Donald Trump on the rampage is too alarming to deal with. Maybe that’s why some people can shrug him off while others feel personally assaulted.

Which beings me back to the news this evening.

While the accusations come pouring in, Trump’s loony “surrogates” are screaming that the victims are all liars, and female journalists are fighting back tears. It reminds every woman of every man who didn’t take no for an answer.

I wish we could cancel the third debate! How much more can we stand? And who will pay for the therapy?










Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Melania Grabs a Pussy-Bow Blouse: She Vill Heet You Ten Times Harder!

melania grabs pussy-bow blouse

I was alerted by my friend Shannon that Melania Trump‘s debate-wear tonight was Gucci’s $1,100 Pussy-Bow Shirt.”

It took me a minute to grasp the significance of Melania’s choice,  annoyed as I was that this bitch would try to spoil Gucci for me.

However, now I’m impressed.

Her Stupid-Foreigner act is just a cover for her diabolical brilliance.

Look at her expression, above.

Look at how proudly her implants jut out, putting the men around her on notice that she will not be shamed into wearing a less clingy fabric.

She is Woman, hear her roar.

She is Pussy personified, and she will be the pussy of choice for her husband, no matter whose he might grab or hope to grab.

Melania did not make it this far from a village in Slovenia to the penthouse of Trump Tower without being a tough competitor. As she warned Donald before the debate,

“I am nice person, Donald Trump, but nobody poots the baby in corner. You heet me, I heet you ten times harder.”

Gold digger, nude model, mail-order bride, escort, sure, whatever. But let’s not underestimate Melania!

Just keep your eyes on her implants. They are signalling something, and it could get messy.


Posted in Fashion, News | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Style Trumps Trump!

style trumps trump

Things may be bad but for once there’s a silver lining and here he is.

This is Mac, who agreed to let me pose with him so I could tell people he’s my boyfriend. He didn’t act all flattered, he was more like Okay, do your thing but hurry up.

When you see a man in an alligator suit with rings on every finger, you know that life is a giant gumball machine with those plastic toy capsules where you want the little bouncy ball but you keep getting a sticky hand or a smiley-face eraser or if luck is really against you, out comes Donald Trump.

But one in a while, you get a dazzling prize.

Behold my new boyfriend and style icon, Mac, who said he found his suit at the National Council Jewish Women’s Thriftshop on Venice and Grandview.



Posted in Fashion, love | Tagged , , | 6 Comments