Heil Melania!

heil melania

Let’s take a break from the Donald and turn our attention to his glamorous wife, Frau Trump.

If you missed Greta Von Susteren‘s probing interview with Melania Trump, you’re in for a treat! From the moment Greta asks if it’s true she speaks several languages, and Melania confirms this fiction in broken English, it is pure fawning bullshit.

The more I get to know Melania, the more I feel compelled to adopt her heavy accent and delivery, which is like Zsa Zsa Gabor after a lobotomy. Once I start channeling her, it’s hard to let it go.

When Greta asks her if she’s okay with the nasty fight between her husband and Hillary Clinton, Melania says smugly,

Eetz chust beezinuss.

What a perfect wife for Donald Trump! A steely heartless moron who sold her Slovenian soul for a hideous penthouse and some Louboutin heels.

How many dicks did she suck to make it to the top of her third-rate modeling career and get invited to a party where men like Trump could ogle her? I say this with all due respect.

I have already written about Melania for my day job here, here and here, but I just can’t quit her. I am fascinated by her transformation, and by her self-satisfaction. Like her husband, she feels entitled to everything the world has to offer, including the White House.

heil melania

And like her husband, she has no idea of how stupid she is, which I find incredible. Why doesn’t she know? Someone needs to sit her down and explain.

And you know what, her antisemitism is icing on the cake. Please enjoy her while you can.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News, Rants | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Green Rihanna Creepers: A Love Story

green pumas of love

If you live in the world of pop culture and fashion, you know all too well that the green suede Puma creepers by Rihanna are the new holy grail.

And you’ve been anxiously awaiting May 26, when they were scheduled to go on sale.

I discussed the challenge of obtaining them with friends online, and we braced ourselves for the effort. And the probability of disappointment: Rihanna’s shoes sell out in the blink of an eye, leaving a global trail of broken hearts and frantic eBay searches.

I missed out on the pink creepers and it was a bitter loss. It still hurts. It will hurt forever.

So I discussed my plan with my husband, and we both logged on to the Puma website at midnight eastern time, thinking how smart we were. After a long period of nothingness, I called customer service, who said they would be available at 7: a.m.

Now, here comes the love part.

My husband knows I can’t get up before noon except for catastrophes. So he set his alarm and tried to buy the shoes for nearly an hour before giving up. Every time my size seemed to appear, he clicked on them and got “SOLD OUT.”

Later, he told some friends about the ordeal, and no one could understand my fixation on the shoes. Apparently, they associated my behavior with “young people.”

Hey, fuck them! 62 is the new forty, and forty is like 25, and at my core I am still 14, stubborn, angry, and style-obsessed.

When I finally got out of bed, I scoured the internet for the green creepers, and using a list of the Top Ten sneaker sites, found a pair at a store in Texas. I figured it was some kind of mistake, even after I paid for them.

But tonight I’m wearing them, and obviously they did nothing to change my life or even dull my greed for more pointless consumer goods. The high is in scoring, I guess, like opiates. Rather than ‘happy,’ I’d say I’m relieved.

I do feel lucky to have my husband. He always has my back. He is my everything.

And I’ve just tried to pick a fight on Twitter with some writer on Bustle who’s gloating about scoring two pairs and describes them as “illusive.”

Posted in Disorders, Fashion, love | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

What Is A Nervous Breakdown? Part II

nervous-breakdown part 2

It occurred to me that SiteLock is some kind of scam, which is odd, because Bluehost is a widely used and seemingly legit hosting service.

When I googled ‘SiteLock reviews,’ I discovered an impassioned community of SiteLock victims, who were justifiably furious. Some complained about SiteLock harassing them with phone-calls. Some described the difficulty of cancelling the service, and being told they needed to speak to a cancellation agent.

Some complained that in trying to remove malware, SiteLock completely destroyed their websites beyond repair. No one could get their money back.

Some even suggested that SiteLock planted the malware just to charge for removing it!

So now I’m fuming. I call SiteLock and someone says to call back during business hours. I call Bluehost and ask them to cancel the service, since they set it up in the first place. No, only SiteLock can cancel the service.

In the morning, Rochelle at Sitelock explains that only Bluehost can cancel the account, since they made the $500 charge on my credit card. She seems genuinely apologetic.

Rochelle offers to get Bluehost on the phone, and to stay on the call with me.

It is then I meet Steven, in billing at Bluehost. He sounds young, dumbish, and bored. He is the definition of the word sullen. Steven reports that he is unable to ‘terminate the service until it expires in January.’ He repeats this with the exact same inflection at least 20 times. I keep saying, ‘Rochelle, can you hear this?’

Steven puts us on hold to speak to a ‘supervisor.’ Rochelle has gone to look at my blog and we start chatting about Prince. She loves him too.

Steven returns to the call and says in the deadened tone of an executioner, “I can’t cancel the service. It will end when it expires.”

Now I scream, “WHO CAN CANCEL IT, GOD?” Steven is silent. I repeat, “Are you saying only god can cancel it, or that He can’t cancel it either? Are you fucking crazy?” I add, “I’m not asking for my money back, just to cancel the fucking service!” I’m getting sweaty. I’ve lost control.

Steven leaves the call again and returns. “I am now able to cancel your service, ma’am. I can send you an email to confirm this has been done.”

Rochelle gives me her contact information so I can confirm with her later. She genuinely wants me to be happy.

I will be happy when Steven is broke, hungry, cold, alone, and desperate, while some little piece of shit on the phone tells him, “I can’t cancel your service. It will end when it expires in January.”

Posted in Disorders, Rants, revenge | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

What Is A Nervous Breakdown? Part I

snake-pit

I think I know the answer! Because I’m on the brink of one!

Haven’t you always wondered what people meant by the outmoded term “nervous breakdown”? I used to picture someone in a padded cell, just lying on a bed, maybe trembling, probably unable to speak, disheveled, with vacant eyes.

I’ve even wished I could have a nervous breakdown, because then someone would take care of everything while I just drooled quietly in a nice sanitarium somewhere.

And then at some point in my life, I decided that I was out of luck, I just couldn’t break down even if I longed for it, it just wasn’t in the cards for me. I’m not the type, I would explain bitterly when discussing someone else’s mental hospital experience.

Well, I have news to report. After enough days of struggling with my website and talking to IT guys who all sound slightly stoned and none too bright, after listening to all these Richards and Darrens and Ethans giving conflicting theories and reasons why things should be working now or not working now, I am a mess.

The sense of powerless multiplied by anxiety and frustration is truly debilitating.

The only relief came in the form of Lauren, an angel who knows all about WordPress blogs and so much more I can’t begin to tell you. She knows about Juggalos, for fucksake. She knows about everything, believe me.

So she agreed to bring my blog back from the Invisible White Screen of Death.

Meanwhile, perhaps sniffing out my anxiety all the way from Arizona  (or tipped off by the IT guys at Bluehost) my web security service, SiteLock, alerts me that I have some malware that urgently needs to be removed. If I don’t remove it, Google will hate me, everyone will hate me and my whole world will end.

However, despite having paid $500 for a year of their security service, they want $300 to remove the malware.

Now, the best/worst part of this is a person names “Sean” at SiteLock. Sean will come out of the gate yelling at you like an angry husband you dared to question about his poker buddies.

Sean seethes with contempt for your ignorance and rage for your audacity in bringing up that $500. He compares the extraction of malware to surgery. Actual surgery. He tells you how careless you’ve been in using plug-ins.  And Sean never backs down. He is aggression personified.

Sean seems like the devil Himself.

But that’s because you have yet to encounter STEVEN, in billing.

Posted in Disorders, Horrible Stuff, Rants | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

The Wolfpack

wolfpack-boys

I finally got around to seeing The Wolfpack, but I was not prepared for it.

The true story of six brothers, aged 11 to 18, who were imprisoned in their New York apartment by their crazy parents, how could it be anything but dark and disturbing?

Somehow, from the promotional pictures I’d seen, I expected something more ‘quirky’ and lighthearted.

I knew the boys had learned about life from the movies that were their only link to the world outside. They were discovered walking down the street in the lower Eastside, dressed like characters from Reservoir Dogs, by a young filmmaker who ended up making a documentary about them.

Watching the family’s home movies, you see a group of children who are almost like puppies, clinging together with affection and loyalty and in the end, fear.

Fear of their father, a delusional South American devotee of Hindu, who didn’t believe in haircuts or exposure to the ‘poisonous capitalist society’ outside their front door, which he kept locked.

The mother has given up all power to her husband, who doesn’t believe in working but appears to like a drink or three.

The story is also a tale of resilience; the six boys are clearly damaged but somehow thrive. They are smart, sensitive, and loving. They are remarkably curious and life-affirming despite all odds.

But the picture of long-term abuse is just staggering. How does this go on?

It made me wonder how many households are run by little individual Hitlers, making crazy rules that no one has the nerve to disobey. The father here is like a paranoid Charles Manson without the charisma. A total shithead who somehow managed to get an idealistic farm-girl to buy into his delusions and bear him seven children.

The boys have a sister, Krishna, who was born with a disorder that keeps her tied to her parents, evidently.

Free Krishna, somebody!

One thing that startled me during this movie is the intensity of my revulsion for the Dictatorial Father. It is a visceral loathing that I carry around with me, ready to explode. All instances of dictatorial men, in books or movies or in the lives of my friends, trigger a deep antipathy, And by antipathy, I mean I want to kill them.

The Wolfpack father will never have to pay for his actions. All the petty authoritarian husbands and fathers out there will keep getting their way and ruining people’s lives. But why do women let this happen?

My own father left when I was 3 but maybe I’ve blocked out memories of his presence in the home. Or maybe it’s just the injustice of the situation that makes me want to kill these fucking bastards.

Everyone who has a daughter or who is in a position to influence young girls should make a point of teaching them to stand up and say No. Say No and walk away or run away if you have to.

It seems so obvious, and yet we haven’t made it clear.

See this movie for its unique gaze into the heart of darkness or because of the beautiful boys with the long silky hair.

But make sure you pass along the message to never let anyone control you. Ever. No matter what.

Posted in Art, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , , | 7 Comments

My Prince

my price

I thought of him as my own Prince, the voice I danced to in my living room when nobody I knew liked Dirty Mind except for me.

On New Year’s Eve at the close of 1998, we went to an awful party at a neighbor’s house but when they put on 1999, I felt that surge of euphoria only Prince can ignite.

I think I even fell in love with my husband while we watched Prince on TV, dancing around in buttless chaps, on a set decorated with flaming torches.

There is so much more but don’t you hate the way people want to make Prince’s death be all about them?? I did see Prince live but maybe you did too. It’s not about what concert we went to or wish we’d gone to.

It’s just about what music means to us throughout our lives. You cannot overstate its significance, but you don’t really know it until you lose that artist who was always there for you, to lift your spirit or console you through the worst heartbreak.

I love Prince so much! He was my little Prince. I was so jealous of Wendy and Lisa and even whatshername, that one in Purple Rain.

I don’t get how someone so magnificent and full of life can just be gone from the world, poof.

I haven’t processed this loss but added to the others it feels more and more like life on this planet is drained of joy and hope and purpose.

I want Prince to come back and Max too. I don’t know how 2 celebrate this thing called life without them.

If you’d like to share something about Prince, even your favorite song, lay it on me.

 

 

Posted in Art, grief, love | Tagged , | 18 Comments

Want To Look Like a Rhinoceros?

rhino shoe junya 974

Well me neither, but that’s just us. What do we know? We’re so basic.

rhino shoe 2

Spending $974 would be a small price to pay for broadcasting to the world that we are edgy, daring and hostile.

Actually, if you’re following fashion as neurotically as I do, you’ll know that all anyone cares about right now is the perfect low-top white sneaker. You have to get a very special kind that’s so Nothing, you can’t figure out why it costs $395 or $695, depending on whether it’s Common Projects or Raf Simons.

You will wear your perfect white sneakers with your shapeless minimalist shroud by The Row, or your cropped flare jeans by Frame or Mother that hit your leg at just the right part of your calf to look especially, calculatedly, awkward. And you’ll be carrying a nondescript handbag by Mansur Gavriel.

Or, you can just wear some oversized streetwear by Vetements that only other idiots will recognize, because Kanye.

Fashion is so monumentally irritating!

How do fashion bloggers and magazine editors keep up their enthusiasm? Fashion is so loaded with class signifiers and mindless imitation and sweatshop slavery. You can’t set your own trend unless you’re Rihanna. Everybody tries to wear what everybody is wearing, because otherwise you’ll look like a know-nothing who can’t keep up or afford to emulate a Rhinoceros.

Right now, I’m wearing a pair of black cords by Paige Jeans and a silk shirt by Equipment. You won’t know how cool I am unless you read a lot of fashion shit, but trust me. I got them at Salvation Army or Goodwill, which only shows how devoted I am to my coolness and label-whoring.

Now, if all this means nothing to you, I salute you! You’re my fucking hero.

And I offer you these banana shoes by Dolce & Gabbana, priced to sell at a reasonable $1,745.

banana shoes 1745

 

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

What Is It With You People?

Vladimir Clavijo Telepnev tears

I go to all the trouble to create a website called Hideous Denim, and what do I get?

Nothing.

You people are obviously too lazy to go over there and enjoy my expertly curated collection of the most hideous, fucked up denim monstrosities ever to blight this earth. It’s just laziness, because I know that in your hearts, you want to see ugly denim.

So guess what, you’re going to see some right now, because that’s how nice I am, and because I’ve lived a whole life of not being able to get people to cooperate with me.

bandana denim jeans

Here are the Bandana Jeans brought to you by provocateur Nazir Mazhar, a street-wear designer who expects you to pay $715.78 for the discomfort and humiliation. Look at the rear view:

bandana rear view

Three is only one pair left, size medium.

But don’t worry because this:

hideous junya jacket and skirt

Now this is just perfect on so many levels. Junya Watanabe signifies your appreciation of Japanese design, while breaking your bank account and making you look like a nutcase. I am sad to report that this outfit has sold out, but behold the skirt.

hideous junya skirt

Can you imagine anything more unflattering? So gorgeous! The real job of hideous denim is to mock the consumer on all levels. I’d say this Junya outfit is a ten out of ten.

What about something really, really stupid and embarrassingly twee, like a denim romper?

denim valentino playsuit 2490

Excuse me, it’s a playsuit, of course. And fairly priced at $2,490. How to wear it, you’re wondering as you hunt for your credit card? Read on.

denim valentino playsuit text

Not only playful, but DARLING! I fucking love this text. Hideous denim is even more rewarding when the text lives up to the fraudulence of the piece itself.

We are living in some rough times, aren’t we? I mean, we’re not eating dirt in Calcutta but we are fighting off existential dread from morning to night, watching our Netflix shows and compulsively checking our devices, waiting for the seas to rise or some maniac to shoot us or be elected President.

We deserve some relief, and that’s why god created all this awful hideous denim, even though he’s away from his desk.

So please enjoy.

 

 

 

Posted in Fashion, Rants | Tagged , , | 11 Comments

Donald Trump: Is The Nightmare Over?

trump ugly face

After all we have endured from this piece of shit, it’s hard to believe that his comment about abortion is the thing that broke the spell.

Who knew that people cared so much about women’s rights? It seemed like a majority of Americans were in favor of rolling back Roe vs Wade, and that’s been scary.

But lo and behold, Trump’s absurd statement that women who have abortions should be punished is striking a chord with everyone. For some reason, this is where they’re drawing the line.

I hope.

The news is telling me tonight that the tide has turned. Please make it be true!

Remember when it was fun to see Trump’s bloated red face, emitting outrageous noises that no one in their right mind would ever say if they were running for President, or even Boyscout Leader?

The fun turned to horror, didn’t it? I head a reporter call him a ‘steaming pile of human refuse’ on MSNBC the other night, and it felt like an understatement.

Now we’re hearing that women won’t support Tump, which makes perfect sense, but what the fuck has been wrong with men in that case?

Racism doesn’t begin to explain the attraction. Neither does the ‘people are sick of the status quo’ argument. They could have sided with Rand Paul if all they wanted was a maverick.

What is it about a fat loud bully that American men find so appealing? Is it some kind of projection? Is it a vicarious thrill to see some shameless lowlife insulting his betters?

My visceral hatred of this cunt has reached defcon whatever. His every facial movement is like a knife in my heart. That O-shape he makes with his mouth. The plump frown. The crazy hand motions and the way he says “believe me” twice after every ridiculous lie.

Is it over for real? Can we actually get out of this without anyone getting killed? Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

I blame the press. I blame Donald Trump’s parents. And I blame the Idiocracy that America’s anti-intellectualism has spawned. Feel more comfortable with stupidity, America? How stupid is stupid enough?

Sure, Ted Cruz is a crazy prick and Kasich is a jerk. But there is nothing on earth as awful as Donald Trump.

Let us pray.

 

Posted in Disorders, Horrible Stuff, Rants | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Cunts!

Cunt wall

I was just recoiling from the word “lady”when used in neologisms like ladyboss or lady-parts, when I came across this horrifying tidbit about the Vagina Monologues:

Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologue “Reclaiming Cunt” spells out every letter and encourages the audience to see the word as beautiful, powerful and sexy rather than disgusting, degrading and ugly. In one of the most powerful pieces of theatre I’ve seen, the audience is invited to chant the word “cunt” back at the person delivering the monologue.

God. I had no idea.

That’s theater, yelling ‘cunt?’

Not a day goes by that I don’t yell Cunt, several times in fact, either at the TV or my computer. I can’t believe that cunt is still such a big deal. But it is, according to the Guardian:

“Cunt” is still regarded as the most shocking word in the English language. Its consonants are acerbically hard, its meaning unequivocal.

Its meaning is unequivocal?? Not at all. Often, it just means “dude” as in “some cunt took my parking space.” Other times, it might mean bitch, like “Look at what that cunt Hillary just said about Bernie.”

If the Guardian thinks it means “vagina,” that’s just stupid. No one uses ‘cunt’ that way. And if they did, so what?

Why is ‘cunt’ worse than”pussy?” I guess I’ll never understand the negative power of a word I find so useful and even fun!

Getting back to “lady” though, ugh, horrible. Remember ladyboner? Horrible. Ladyboy is kind of cute, though, because it’s confusing or because Amy Winehouse used it, but otherwise lady-anything is just grating to my ear and somehow repulsive.

Here are the other words that have bothered me this week:

jettisoned (used by a blogger who meant ‘threw away’)
China (as enunciated by Donal Trump)
crossbody (a type of handbag)
sneaks (for sneakers, ew!)
substantive (quick. try saying it 3 times)
intersectional ( pc gibberish)

Your turn, if you’ve got anything.

 

 

 

Posted in Rants, Words | Tagged , | 4 Comments