The Solace Of The World’s Ugliest Jeans

August 16th, 2014

I’m watching the life feed from Ferguson tonight, like I did last night.

Ebola is “vastly” worse than reported. tribal slaughter in Iraq and Syria, Israel vs Gaza,  Nigeria kidnappings, drones on Yemen, Robin Williams.

Let us look to these jeans for salvation. They are the ugliest jeans I’ve ever seen in my whole life, I’m pretty sure. There is something magnificent in such ugliness, you can feel the artistic striving for an indelible statement. A statement that transcends all the horror of current events.

ugliest jeans ever

These long-rise One Teaspoon pants have an exaggerated, slouchy fit. Heavy fading adds lived-in charm. Hidden elastic bands cinch the waist and ankles.

Right?

ugliest jeans ever rear

And with open-toe stiletto heeled booties, no less.

Whenever you find yourself filled with existential dread or sorrow, look at these jeans. That is my RX for mankind this evening.

Big Sister, Part I

August 7th, 2014

sisters in matching outfits

Years ago, I read a book called ‘The Sibling Bond‘ after reading an enthusiastic review somewhere. I remember its theories and insights as uniquely thought-provoking. Now, it’s all just depressing.

The sibling bond is like no other relationship. It is fraught with everything under the sun – issues of identity, intimacy, security, fairness, all woven together in  a complex knotted mess.

I’m calling it a mess because I’ve had a major falling out with my sister, the sister I grew up with, the sister who was half of what my mom called “You Two Brats.”

In healthy families, children’s roles and identities are not fixed at birth or rigidly imposed early in life. In other families, however, parents fuse their children, treating them as if they were the same. The children are lumped together, treated as if they were each other’s twin despite differences in age, stage, sex and temperament. The children can become fused in their minds, because they are fused in their parents minds.

Sibling bonds will become intense when, as children, the siblings have had plentiful access, contact, AND have been deprived of reliable parental care.

I remember myself as an anxious, fearful child who looked to my sister for warmth and companionship. She was two years older, husky and athletic. I was skinny and clumsy and still can’t ride a bicycle. We ate together, bathed together, were punished together and rewarded together. When we fought and I tried to get our mother’s attention, she would scream, “You two fight it out!”

I gave up on the hope that my mother would intervene and protect me. So when my sister devised tortures to try out on me, I learned to accept my fate. The worst came at bath-time. My sister would take my cotton undershirt and hold it under the hot water tap until steam came off it. Then, I would have to put it on. It hurt and I cried but there was no escape.

The other bath-time torture was the wet bar of soap: She would order me to choose whether I wanted it “in the eye or in the mouth.” I remember the panicky brain work of making the choice. The choice was always wrong, naturally.

My sister had a huge problem with being copied. She became enraged if she perceived any copying. If I drew with a blue crayon, it might be construed as copying. She made up a thing to yell when she started to do something, meaning it was her idea and could not be copied. When she decided I had copied her, there was ‘slavery.’ It was actually called slavery.

Did everyone grow up this way? I really have no idea. But I loved my sister, because she was all I had. We made up a private language that we could speak a mile a minute. She taught me how to shave my legs. We both had to smoke our father’s cigar when he picked us up for Divorced dad dinners in expensive restaurants. We both had to endure his criticism of our hair and our teeth, and his self-congratulatory appraisal of his latest girlfriend.

Once, my sister was determined to get even with some guy for something, and the only way she could do it was to sleep with someone. I tried every argument to change her mind. When she announced that she planned to pick a stranger off the street, I told her to just use my former lover, a compliant stoner. She fucked him alright. She fucked him for around six months. At some point, I begged her to stop, but she wouldn’t. She told me that she wasn’t through getting even.

It was still a choice of the eye or the mouth, but without the choice factor.

We spent years of our lives, fused together or enraged at each other. We used to rely on each other to be what we called a Reality Guarantor, to compare our experiences or point of view. It was so reassuring. Whatever I might be worried about, she swore that it was nothing serious, it would go away or never happen or that she had it too and it wasn’t cancer.

Now we have crossed a line. Too many grievances have been aired. I see her as pathologically competitive and sadistic. She has rewritten my history, casting me as the villain in pieces where I was once the clear victim. Maybe it’s better to be the villain. The truth doesn’t matter to her, and I am the truth police, as everyone knows.

According to her, I’m the devil himself. “You think your shit don’t stink?” she shouted at me over the phone. Who even talks like that? Who are we, Mob Wives? Shouldn’t she at least say ‘doesn’t stink’?

 

 

Jews!

August 2nd, 2014

My favorite aspect of the Borat character is his antisemitism. Naturally, my appreciation of this relies on the knowledge that Sacha Baron Cohen is Jewish. And the more Jewish I feel, the more I feel at liberty to mock Jewishness. Like Woody Allen and Lenny Bruce, Sacha Baron Cohen is allowed to approach antisemitism in ways we wouldn’t tolerate from a non-Jew.

The other day, I was amazed to hear the British headmaster of the elite London boys school where Baron Cohen was a student, boasting on NPR about the school’s large population of “Jewish Boys.” Lord Jesus! In 2006, a sophisticated Brit can still regard “Jewish” as a special category! No wonder Sacha Baron Cohen is so savage about this subject!

I have a friend who has learned to try not to use the word “Jewish” to describe former girlfriends. He knows I will scream “Jewish?!?” and he knows where that leads.

A week after seeing the Borat movie, I attended a bar mitzvah, only the second one I’ve ever been to. It was full of ritual and tradition that I can only describe as lovely and moving. But the spirit of Borat hovered over the proceedings. Nothing could shake my sense of seeing Jews as an outsider, even as I felt a rare connection to my ancestors.

Jews! They are just so Jewish! My grandma used to stuff her handbag with packets of saltine crackers whenever we went out to eat. If she heard that someone was sick, she couldn’t get enough details. She would always ask, “What is the doctor’s name?” meaning “Is he Jewish?”

At the bar mitzvah, the Rabbi described how the torah he was using was hundreds of years old, and had been preserved by the Nazis to use in a museum of Jewish Icons. Silly Nazis! This story and all the biblical crap about Moses and Abraham helped to remind me how much the world hates Jews. And that, of course, made me that much happier about being Jewish.

As long as some upper class British guy is still commending his school for accepting “Jewish Boys,” Borat will have a mission to accomplish. Thank god the Jews run Hollywood and the media!

~

*originally posted in 2006

Kim Kardashian’s Nine Expressions—Collect Them All!

July 29th, 2014

nine-kims

When Kim Kardashian posted a collage of her facial expressions on Instagram, one could only marvel at the waxen immobility of that celebrated face.

Let’s take a closer look.

9 expressions of kimkard

 

If only Kim had taken the time to label each expression!

Since she didn’t, I will take a stab at it.

Top row, from left to right: Duh, Look over there, Duh.

Middle row, from left to right: Oh, Duh,Turning my head.

Bottom row, from left to right: Turning my head, Look over there, Duh.

There you have it! Use this expression sampler to amaze your friends, play some bingo, or just add to your Kim Kardashian shrine.

Hideous Footwear Alert

July 28th, 2014

hideous patti st laurent boots

Can you believe how ugly these are?

hideous patti st laurent boots 2I really am almost speechless.

It would be like shoving your feet into dead animal carcasses and expecting everyone to admire you for it.

Why the silver studded ‘embellishment?’ Is it supposed to represent the dead animal’s collar?

Saint Laurent Patti ankle boots, $1,995.00.  (If Patti Smith were dead, she could join Yves to roll around in his grave with him.)

Taking A Stand

July 24th, 2014

shades

Everywhere I go online today, there is shit about Fifty Shades of Grey. I guess there’s a new trailer out, or maybe it’s the first trailer.

I can’t tell you how good it feels to not be interested in this trailer! Not only am I not interested in the trailer, I am not interested in reactions to the trailer!

I can’t wait to not see the actual movie., just as I couldn’t wait to not read the book or learn anything about its author. I admit to having a perverse fondness for really bad writing, and the few excerpts I saw were weapons-grade awful. So kudos to whatshername who wrote it.

Who would like to join me in taking a pledge to not watch this trailer? Maybe we can come up with a badge or membership card or something.

The state of pop culture is so abysmal that it may seem pointless to single out one offender as being too base or stupid to countenance. But I’m drawing my line anyway.

Big deal about bondage, S&M, doms and subs. Just don’t bother me with fifty shades of anything unless it’s red lipstick.

red-lipsticks-guide2

 

Justin Theroux’s Penis

July 19th, 2014

Justin Theroux seen jogging in his upcoming TV movie 'The Leftovers' in Queens, NYC

I hadn’t heard that Justin Theroux‘s penis was an issue until I read a quote from Liv Tyler, his co-star in that awful new HBO series.

“There was this scene where he was jogging, and there was quite a large bulge in his sweatpants and it was all over.”

Now I find that Justin’s penis is not just a huge distraction but a huge distraction. There are all kinds of pictures of his crotch, especially in sweatpants. Let’s have another look.

justin owww penis

You know what, I don’t like this penis. What is it doing? Why is it down there, did it fall? Where’s the rest of it? And why can’t he wear underwear? I’m starting to hate him.

I have vague recollections of liking Marky Mark‘s penis.

markymark2

This looks more appetizing.  Renaldo and Beckham aren’t bad either.

I don’t think we girls like men for their silhouette in sweats or briefs. A man’s brain is so important when it comes to real attraction.  A hot guy who says something stupid is a waste of hotness. Justin Theroux needs to stop giving interviews so I don’t have to feel worse about him than I already do.

He needs to put up or shut up, with regard to Jennifer Aniston. He needs to stop talking about his clothes. He needs to stop hanging out with Terry Richardson and he needs to give up that whole biker charade.

Most of all, he needs to either show us his penis so we can figure out if it’s anatomically sound, or put on some fucking underpants so Live Tyler can resume whatever it is she’s trying to do.

Remembering Jane Aldridge

July 13th, 2014

Those were the days, right? I haven’t thought about her until recently, when someone wrote to me, urging me to catch up on her antics. I was too lazy to bother.

But on July 11, I tweeted this:

the terrible tweet

Less than 24 hours later, bam, I received this comment on goddamit.com, waiting to be moderated:

mean-jane-post

What?  My dead son?  The comment was sent from Denton County, Texas. Guess who lives in Denton County?

denton_map

What is wrong with people? Is it just Trophy Club or Denton County? Do people understand the concept of losing a child? Hello? Earth to Denton County?

I don’t know what’s worse, the cowardice or the deranged free-floating hatred?

Anyway, get a grip, Jane, Mom or Aunt Karen. This is some fucked up shit.

Gucci Brings It

July 12th, 2014

GUCCI Striped shearling and goat hair jacket

But why? Just tell me why!  Look, just two of these monstrosities left.

GUCCI one left

Shearling and goat hair, I can practically smell it.

I predict the era of Eurotrash and disco coming back in full force, as if to say “I’ll show you, normcore!” We’ll all need a safe place to hide if this jacket is an indication of the horror to come.

gucci 3

The Nothingness of Marina Abramovic

July 7th, 2014

INTERVIEW: MARINA ABRAMOVIC

If you’ve always sensed some nothingness in the work of celebrated performance diva artist Marina Abramovic, you’ll be glad to know it’s official.

Discussing her new work at the Serpentine Gallery, her first since The Artist is Present, she says:

I had this vision of an empty gallery — nothing there.

So far, so good. So radical and avant garde! Her show is called  “512 Hours,” the amount of time she will be present at the gallery, where patrons will enter an empty room and do nothing, or something.

There is just me. And the public. It is insane what I try to do.

Oh Marina, you kook! You bring the nothing, and we love you for it! Well, I don’t, but whatever.The gallery’s curators have received a number of letters, accusing Abramovic and the gallery of failing to acknowledge the work of Mary Ellen Carroll, a New York-based conceptual artist who has been working on a project called “Nothing” since 1984, describing it as “an engagement with the public.”

The Serpentine’s curator admits that many artists (including John Cage and Yoko Ono) have explored the relationship between art and nothingness. The matter is far from settled but Abramovic has responded a bit defensively:

It’s not that I’m doing nothing — quite the opposite. It’s just that there is nothing except people in the space.

See, you idiots? You fucking philistines! Back off. Get out of her grille.

I like this paragraph about Marina, from a profile at CNN online: “She has danced with Jay Z in his music video, counts James Franco and Lady Gaga as loyal fans and friends, and was named as one of Time Magazine’s most influential people of 2014.”

I think it sums up her place in our culture, although I also believe there was a time when she was a genuine artist with something to say.

Meanwhile, if you want, you can watch her sell out to Adidas, below.

 

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