Archive for March, 2006

Dear Abby Chastity Belt

Thursday, March 30th, 2006

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For a brief shining moment or two, I was blessed with the opportunity to work for “Dear Abby“, the beloved newspaper advice columnist. For many years, the column has been written by the daughter of the original “Abby”, who is afflicted with Alzheimer’s Disease.

The daughter, Jeanne, is the type of woman one might call a Real Piece of Work. Her office was a world unlike any other; I can only describe it as a Mad Tea-Party.

My most treasured souvenir of this experience is a set of handcrafted chastity belts, sent in by one of Abby’s many ardent admirers. They  are fashioned out of hammered stainless steel, and lined with the alarming pelts of some small dead animal. One has been engraved with the name “Dear Abby”, and the other….less specific but no less affectionate….says simply: “Pussy Cat.”

While they clearly deserve permanent installation at the Smithsonian,  at present  they are on display in a paper bag underneath my bedroom dresser.

Spring/Summer Fashion Bulletin

Monday, March 27th, 2006

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It’s that time again: The fashion world demands that you buy ten essential items to ensure  looking as awful as possible. Let me simplify the New Look:

1. Norma Kamali is back! It was bad the first time around, and it’s bad now. For maximum clownishness, choose the sweatpants-leggings shown above.

2. Skinny Jeans: When your jeans are tapered at the ankle, it helps  to achieve the ice cream cone leg-shape that we all admire!

3. Huge Platform Wedges: If you weren’t around in the 70s, now you can sprain your ankle just like Mom did.

4. The Enormous Handbag: If you can’t fit your trashcan in it, it’s not big enough.

5. The Frilly Shirt: Don’t think tuxedo; think toreador, only more flouncy.

6. The Ill-Fitting Jacket: Not just cropped but too tight, with the new awkward 3/4 sleeve.

7. The Wide Belt: A great look for the anorexic, upsetting for everyone else.

8. The Toga-Style Camisole: Speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

9. The Baby Dress: Preferably in white cotton, a hard look to pull off after age six.

10. Distressed Denim: Yeah, yeah,  it’s not new but the prices are! $200 and up for a pair of scuffed designer jeans. Look for a brand with distinctive back pockets, so your butt will scream “Fashion Victim with Hefty Credit Card Debt.”

There you have it! It’s all bad. See you at the mall!

CUTE LITTLE ART GALLERY

Thursday, March 23rd, 2006

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Look how cool this is: A miniature version of the smallest art gallery in existence (which can be seen currently at the Tate in London.) My favorite of the miniature installations is this set of signs. I wish someone would buy them for me!

Meanwhile, have a look at the CerealArt website, and see how much money you could spend, if you only had it, on delightful arty stuff you don’t need.

Stupid New Word of the Week

Sunday, March 19th, 2006

heteronormative : Those punitive rules (social, familial and legal) that force us to conform to hegemonic, heterosexual standards for identity.

Get it? No? Okay, try this: It’s a word to use when you’re trying to make people feel bad about being straight.

If you want to up the ante, use it in conjunction with “patriarchy.” If that doesn’t clear the room, I don’t know what would, except maybe yodelling.  

  

Some Good Advice

Saturday, March 18th, 2006

My Eyeball Just Fell Out of Its Socket
What should I do?
By Daniel Engber

Villanova basketball star Allan Ray had his eyeball literally poked out of its socket by an opposing player in a recent game. Ray has been treating the injury with eye drops, and he planned to meet with doctors to find out if he can play in the first round of the NCAA tournament. What should you do if your eyeball comes out of your head?          

Get it put back in, and soon. The longer you remain in this rare condition–known as “globe luxation“–the more strain you’ll put on the blood vessels and nerves that connect your eye to the rest of your head. Your luxated globes will also be susceptible to corneal abrasions or inflammation, and the feeling of your eyelids clamped down behind them won’t be pleasant.

You should be able to get your eye back in place without serious, long-term damage. (If the ocular muscles tear or if the optic nerve is severed, your outlook won’t be as clear.) The treatment for globe luxation is pretty simple: Doctors apply some topical painkillers, hold back your lashes, and poke your eyeball into its socket by pressing on the white part with gloved fingers. (In some cases, they’ll use a simple tool like a bent paperclip to shoehorn it back into place.) You might get antibiotics, lubricating drops, or steroids to follow up for a few days while your vision returns to normal. If your doctors can’t pop your eye back in–because you’ve got too much swelling in the socket, for example–they’ll give you an eye shield and consider a more invasive procedure.

Not all popped eyeballs come from head trauma. A few people can luxate their globes on purpose, and certain others get “spontaneous globe luxation” when their eyelids are pushed in the right way. Someone with shallow eye sockets or floppy eyelid syndrome, for example, might pop his eyeballs during a regular eye exam. You can also trigger luxation while putting in your contact lenses, or with a particularly violent sneeze. You might even pop your eyeballs by trying to exhale while keeping your nose and mouth closed (i.e., performing the Valsalva maneuver).

If your eyeballs fall out of their sockets repeatedly, you might be a candidate for a lateral tarsorrhaphy–in which doctors sew up your eyelids part of the way to keep them from opening too wide. You could also learn the following technique for popping your eye back in yourself: First direct your gaze downward. Now pinch and pull your upper eyelid with the thumb and index finger of one hand. Lay a finger from your other hand on the top part of your luxated eyeball, taking care to press only on the insensitive white part. While you continue to hold your eyelid up, push your eyeball gently down and back at the same time until it’s part of the way in. Then try to look upwards; if everything goes right your eyeball will rotate under the upper lid and back into its socket.

Say Again?

Tuesday, March 14th, 2006

Miss Deaf Texas killed by train
Witness says engineer sounded horn repeatedly before striking 18-year-old

The Associated Press
Updated: 10:42 a.m. ET March 14, 2006
AUSTIN – The reigning Miss Deaf Texas died Monday afternoon after being struck by a train, officials said.  

Tara Rose McAvoy, 18, was walking near railroad tracks when she was struck by a Union Pacific train, authorities said. A witness told Austin television station KTBC the train sounded its horn right up until the accident occurred.

McAvoy, who had been deaf since birth, won the state title in June and represented the state “with dignity and pride,â€? state pageant director Laura Loeb-Hill told the Associated Press via e-mail Monday night.

McAvoy was to have represented Texas at the Miss Deaf America pageant this summer, Loeb-Hill said.

McAvoy graduated last year from the Texas School for the Deaf, attended Austin Community College and then started at Gallaudet University in Washington, D.C., in January, but had returned to Texas, Loeb-Hill said.

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11822960/

“She Wants Revenge”

Saturday, March 11th, 2006

If you’re anything like me (and I know you are) you love generators. Here’s the choices I just got from a great band-name generator:

  • Crystal Beagle
  • Order Of The Damned Box
  • goatlove
  • The Universal Pancakes
  • The Queer Noise Fondlers
  • The Rich Head Problem
  • All of ‘em better than the horrible new band names you see advertised on MySpace, the stupidest of which (this week) is “Thrice.”

    Academy Awards Exegesis

    Monday, March 6th, 2006

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    First, let’s get the George Clooney is yummy thing out of the way. Yes, he is yummy, charming, masculine, a nice guy, probably gay but who cares. I want to have sex with him and I speak for all of us. Now, on to the special moments:

    Jennifer Garner almost falling was the evening’s best moment. If only! Still, she  showed that she is a real pro, able to withstand marriage to Ben Affleck and still keep her chin up, even when another catasrophe hits.

    Lauren Bacall: I had to cover my face, it was just too hard to watch. I did hear her recoup sort of, when she suddenly gave an expressive  actressy undertone to her last sentence. Poor Lauren. Just 30 years ago, I noticed her behind me at the Portobello Road street market when she brayed loudly to an assistant in a voice that had seen a million unfiltered cigarettes.

    What else? On the anorexia front, there was Dolly Parton and Hillary Swank. Eat already, you two, anyone can starve, it’s not much of an accomplishment, look at Kenya! In the boobs department: Salma Hayek is a goddess, Felicity Huffman and Keira Knightly need to get implants, and all the nursing moms looked fantastic, just as nature intended.

    In The Closet notes: Keanu’s hair was not a plus, Sandra Bullock can’t fool me just by marrying a biker, Naomi and Nicole could have chosen more flattering gowns, and that guy from Hustle and Flow: What’s with the big diamond brooch? Is that some new Cancer logo like the pink ribbon? Let us in on it!

    Well, all in all, it was another disappointing awards show. John Stewart has only himself to blame, and even the montage of dead people failed to kindle any nostalgia. My kid did make some great guacamole though! If you’re wondering who made my jeans, they were Earnest Sewn, from Neiman Marcus charge card.   My sweater was by some thrift shop and Saucony did my shoes.

    I KNEW Bob Hope was a Reptile!

    Wednesday, March 1st, 2006

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    While researching RDI chips (see A Clockword Orange 02-12-06), I came upon a longtime detractor of this technology, David Icke. He is a conspiracy theorist and author of 15 books who has tried to warn us about the New World Order controlled by a race of reptillian humanoids. Icke has been accused of racism by claiming that The Jews were behind WWI etc. But he insists that it is the Reptilians who have tried to devide-and-conquer by inflaming racial hatred.    

    Okay, so he sounds a little nuts, I thought so too. But then I saw a partial list of the reptiles he has outed. THIS GUY IS ON TO SOMETHING. Here is the list:

  • The British Royal Family (whom Icke claims are “satanists, child sacrificers and shapeshifting reptilians”)
  • Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands
  • Winston Churchill
  • George W. Bush
  • George HW Bush (whom Icke describes as a “Satanist, mind-controller, torturer of children and adults, paedophile, shapeshifting reptilian, and major drug runner. Serial killer. Nice man.”)
  • Bill Clinton
  • Hillary Clinton (a “high Illuminati witch”)
  • Al Gore (Icke says Gore is a “serious blood drinker”)
  • Dick Cheney
  • Robert C. Byrd
  • Henry Kissinger
  • Tom Foreman, CNN Correspondent (Long time post-acadian swamp reptilian. Big Time))
  • William F. Buckley (whom Icke says is a “head of the elite JANUS mind control operation based at NATO headquarters in Belgium which trains mind-controlled psychic assassins”)
  • Edward Heath
  • Tony Blair (perhaps not a reptilian, more likely a “mind- controlled multiple”)
  • Peter Mandelson
  • Rupert Murdoch
  • Bob Hope (“Life-time asset of British Intelligence, mind-controlled slave handler”)
  • Frank Sinatra
  • Billy Graham
  • Pat Robertson (“high Illuminati priest”)
  • Kris Kristofferson
  • Boxcar Willie
  • Bill O’Reilly
  • British comedian Jim Davidson
  • Andrew Marr
  • David Aaronovitch (“high-order reptilian”)
  • Richard Littlejohn
  • Pierre Trudeau
  • Brian Mulroney
  • Learn more about the prophetic Mr. Icke, and consider trading in those old Kris Kristofferson records for some harmless Fifty Cent or Black Eyed Peas!