I was pretty satisfied with the idea of being cremated until I read a story about a fracas over a 450 pound dead woman. Her county provides free cremation for the indigent, but only up to 300 pounds. Her son (who looked like he’d also cost a pretty penny to cremate) complained about his mom’s body just laying at the morgue “like a sausage.”
When I decided to read the story again, I came upon the website of Matthews Cremation Solutions, where a FAQ page includes the procedure for cremating a fat person. You don’t wanna know. Or, actually, if you’re like me , you do wanna know.
Anyway, after spending some time checking out the less pleasant aspects of cremation, I’m having second thoughts about the whole thing. I wanted my ashes to be sprinkled around the cosmetics department at Nordstrom, but not if I have to be shoved into an oven where someone’s huge indigent mama’s overripe corpse just sizzled its way to that great KFC in the sky. Not to mention the idea of special little “pans” for stillborn babies. Just forget it! I’m gonna be stuffed.