Listening to the news today about Bush’s attempt to bully the congress into accepting his pro-torture policy, I realized something: Bush is torturing me, and I want him to stop. Can we file a class-action suit against him for torturing American citizens? He is now torturing me night and day, and I don’t know how much more I can take.
Bush now claims that the only thing he cares about is resolving ambiguities in the Geneva Conventions. “It’s like – it’s very vague,” Bush complained. “What does that mean, outrages upon human dignity?” Well, I’m here to explain it for him. It means forcing people to listen to idiotic lies that even a halfwit would question the veracity of. It means insisting that young people go off to die in a pointless combat of his construction, while his own two draft-age daughters drive around drinking and shopping.
It is an outrage upon my human dignity to hear any more bullshit out of that moron’s mouth! Every time he makes that little inappropriate laugh, I feel defiled. Every time he says the word “freedom” I feel as though he’s shoving bamboo sticks under my fingernails.
Today, Bush threatened that if congress doesn’t yield to him on his exact terms, then “the program won’t go forward and the American people will be in danger.” Nah Nah, he’s saying; he’ll just have to take his ball and go home!
There is no end to the lengths George Bush will go to in order to bring on the apocalypse. Now it’s not a fight between civilizations, he announced on Monday. It’s a fight FOR civilization. It’s not even “Our way or the highway.” It’s our way or the end of civilization.
I insist on my civil right not to be tortured. I am not even an evildoer! Maybe the ACLU can help me. I know I have a good case.