Why does it get harder and harder to open things? Is this considered Improved Technology? I am happy to report that it’s not just me getting feebler. Having struggled in the past to open a stupid bag of Dole salad greens, I knew it beyond my abilities. So this time, I handed the bag to my friend Renee, a strapping girl in her 20s.
“It says Peel Here, but you won’t be able to” I informed her bitterly. Indeed, there is nothing to peel, or at least no free end of anything. To make matters worse, right above the Peel Here area is a little graphic of a scissors with an international NO sign around it. It is very bossy of Dole to not only tell you what to do, but to forbid you from doing it another way.
Renee agreed that there was no way to Peel Here. “Is there a toll-free phone number on this thing?” she asked. Naturally, there isn’t, because Dole would then be flooded with calls from annoyed consumers who just wanted to eat some goddamned salad. There was only a P.O. Box address.
After a brief and angry struggle, Renee announced: “I’m going in.” It was a thrilling moment. She was like a Green Beret! I believe she used a knife but I’m not sure. I backed away from the operation, still mindful of the time I stabbed myself in the bellybutton while trying to open my new electric toothbrush. Once it was open using an alternative method, the package could not be closed via the handy zip-lock feature, since that could only be activated by the Peel Here. As if.
Perhaps someone at Dole is a Dada-ist? Who knows. That salad package is bullshit, I can tell you that much. Is it god’s way of saying “Prepare Your Own Salad, Mrs. Lazy?” I doubt it. He’s been too busy poisoning spinach.
I’m only sorry I don’t have a photo of Renee in her glorious victory, but here’s her website.