The magazines and designers have issued their collective Fashion Dictates for the Fall season. You still have time to climb aboard the Fashion Victim wagon if you haven’t done your shopping yet. Here are the top ten trends.
1. Leggings: The horror of leggings never ends. Unflattering and uncomfortable, they permit you to wear a tunic or some other garment you shouldn’t even think of wearing, and help to recapture that dated Flashdance look.
2. Layers: Layers and layers of clothing demand that you spend more money on clothing, more time doing laundry, and they help to achieve that bedraggled third world look you admire so much.
3. Animal Prints: Just as sure as the sun comes up in the morning, every year you will be told to wear leopard and zebra prints, as if you’d never seen it before in your whole life. Just dig out that shit from last year.
4. High boots: High boots are good over those leggings, and since the newest look in boots is the flat heel, all the better to look like Robin Hood in a school play!
5. Tartan: Again, pretend you’ve never seen tartan before in your whole life. Tartan! Who would have thought “tartan for fall”, except for every catholic school and wool manufacturer?
6. Enormous Handbag: Bigger than last season, if you can find one that big. Preferably with some awful flourish that indicates whichever designer your bag is a knock-off of.
7. Shorts: Wool shorts over leggings: Silly, uncomfortable, and inappropriate for nearly every occasion. What more could you ask for?
8. Tweed: Tweed, for autumn? A brilliant idea, as fresh and edgy as animal prints.
9. The Bubble: The shape for skirts and dresses. It makes you look like a round blob and highlights your knobbly or pudgy knees (depending on whether you’re a model or civilian)
10. The Cape: Either short for a weird retarded look, or long, for a sort of Militant Little Red Riding Hood effect. The cape is here in a big way. Try one in fur, to show PETA who’s boss.