Godammit, I’m Mad!

Here is a gallery of photos sure to make you smile: little kids reacting to Santa with sheer terror. Once you start clicking on these pictures, they’re like salted peanuts! There’s even a photo with Santa crying, too!

Why do we put kids through this? Who knows, but as Dickens said of the death of Little Nell, you’d need a heart of stone not to laugh.

When you go to Ikea, there’s more to think about than funny Scandinavian names and meatballs. Did you know, for example, that the Ikea catalogue now rivals the Bible in terms of copies printed annually?

The founder of Ikea, Ingvar Kamprad, started the business when he was 17 years old. He is dyslexic, and is an admitted alcoholic. His personal fortune is estimated to be either $28 billion (Forbes) or $53 billion (German T-Online.)

Kamprad is a notorious cheapskate, I mean he’s unusually frugal. He drives an old Volvo and always flies economy class. He “encourages” his employees to write on both sides of a paper. I once had a boss who made us reuse the same teabag several times, but that’s a whole different story.

In 1994, it was revealed that Kamprad had been a recruiter and fundraiser for a pro-Nazi group, up until September 1945. He’s really sorry, though, and he’d still like you to buy KLIPPAN,  DUKTIG, GUTVIK and EKTORP.

Is your Yeti missing? You might want to look for its remains at Nordstrom, where I came upon this scene of carnage.

Did you know that Saudi Arabia maintains a website about conjoined twins? According to the website, King Al Saud’s benevolence has earned his country the status of The Kingdom of Humanity. The King apparently has a special interest in conjoined twins, and has sponsored surgery to separate thirteen sets of twins since 1990.

There is a page on ethical and religious considerations, which is interesting, and a chart that depicts the most common types of conjoined twins.

There is also a photo gallery where you can see a lot of stuff you’ll regret looking at. Don’t come whining to me, because I’ve just warned you!

That said*, god bless King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al Saud for his humanitarian efforts and this unique website.

My mom died from colon cancer, so I had to have a colonoscopy this week. I also had one soon after she died, and it wasn’t really that bad. The worst part was drinking some horrible, horrible liquid after fasting all day. The taste was so bad, I actually cried. Later, you take a laxative, and then you pretend you’re an old man in Calcutta, dying of dysentery. It’s very realistic.

This time, the problem was that I woke up with a migraine on the day of the procedure. I couldn’t take any Motrin. The fucking migraine ruined the entire experience. My advice is, don’t get a migraine when you’re having a colonoscopy.

The fun part, if you don’t have a migraine, is when you wake up and someone says “Everything’s normal!” However, I heard a doctor tell an old lady nearby in the recovery area “You know, you have a very young colon!” The old lady was naturally delighted.

I’m mad that no one told me that. Maybe I can get my husband to say it. Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, my colon rules.

Check out this Dead Handbag I found, to wear with the Dead Animal Surprise Boots I featured here recently. This bag is made of natural fox, and sells for $5,095 at Vivre, a shopping site I love for its unaffordable luxury items.

This, ahem, handbag looks a little too natural for my taste. I found something very similar once in my backyard, and gave a bloodcurdling scream, as I recall. I stupidly got a neighbor to throw it away, without thinking of its potential as a handbag.