Archive for February, 2007

Ha Ha, Good One!

Wednesday, February 28th, 2007

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I think Prada is having a laugh with this awful new handbag, the Napa Fringe Hobo. You can get it at Neiman Marcus for $2,195, but you’d better hurry. It’s sure to be the new “It bag” of the season.

Heavyweights

Wednesday, February 28th, 2007

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I was looking around the internets for a story I heard about a 900 pound woman who was removed from her house by a crane or something, to go to the hospital. I saw this on the TV news, which showed her little daughter being comforted.

I couldn’t find much, but I did come across the “900 Club,” which was pretty disturbing. I can’t really tell if membership in this elite group is supposed to be an accomplishment; that’s how it’s presented.

I’ve also been upset by recent stories about the 1,200 pound man who has now lost   around 400 pounds and even has a girlfriend. This story  evokes a troubling array of feelings for me. Know what I mean?

Sister Wolf Explains It All

Thursday, February 22nd, 2007

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For those of you who had to go to work and had to miss the ANS hearing, here is a synopsis:

Judge Seidlin was a showboating nutcase who babbled incoherent asides throughout the hearing and turned out to be a big crybaby. He needs to be disbarred ASAP.

Anna’s mom, Virgie,   a mean-looking former police officer , wasn’t very convincing in her bid to get her daughter’s decomposing body. No one would want to go home with that woman, even if you were already dead.

Howard K. Stern came off like a gigolo wearing a Devil mask. His lawyer, Krista, was a loudmouthed blonde in the tradition of Ann Coulter. Larry Birkhead’s lawyer, Debra, was a scary dyke type who never got her way but always acted triumphant.

Virgie was nicknamed “Mama” by the crazy Judge, who called the lawyers by their respective home states.

Larry Birkhead was a stunning Dreamboat whose looks moved the judge to blurt out “You really are charming! I noticed you when you first walked in!” Birkhead maintained the gentlemanly manner of a young Elvis Presley. Anna, nice choice, for once!

Everyone conducted themselves like hungry jackals except for Larry. Virgie’s lawyer, “Texas,”  fainted at one point, and the whole group took a surprise fieldtrip to the morgue to view the rotting remains.

In the end, poor Anna was awarded to her daughter’s appointed guardian, Richard Milstein, who promptly decided to bury the remains in the Bahamas, where 6 months ago, Howard made a video of a pregnant Anna Nicole Smith painted up like a clown and staring vacantly into the camera repeating “What? What?”in the voice of a bewildered two-year old.

What, What, indeed, is my assessment. Stay tuned for the battle over the baby daddy.
  

A Politically Correct Lexicon

Thursday, February 22nd, 2007

Here are the new rules of politically correct terms. (You can call Michael Stipe  queer but not  gay. And you should still try to avoid cunt, although “it’s gaining currency among young lesbians.”)

Howard K. Stern: The Nose

Monday, February 19th, 2007

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The sight of Howard K. Stern makes me sick with rage, kind of like George W. Bush. Howard K. Stern strikes me as a venal sociopath without any redeeming qualities. Every word he says is a lie, including and and the, to  paraphrase Mary Mc Carthy speaking of Lillian Hellman.

But I’m wondering how much of my reaction to Stern is based on his nose. That nose is so offensive. It’s unbearable. If he and Larry Birkhead switched noses, I might feel differently. I’ll never know, unless someone is nice enough to photoshop them for me.

Celebrity Meltdowns

Saturday, February 17th, 2007

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Nothing could have distracted me from the Anna Nicole Smith drama except this frightening picture of Britney Spears,  revealing a woman in the throes of a nervous breakdown. I can’t watch, but I can’t look away.

If Taxi Driver is anything to go by, Britney is on the verge of a murderous rampage. I’m very worried, and I need this to be resolved so I can get back to Anna.

The Secret and Me

Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

Forgive me for being behind the curve, but now that I’ve heard about “The Secret,” I am bursting with excitement, not to mention negative energy. The Secret has been revealed even to those of us who didn’t buy the book or DVD! The Secret to fulfilling all your desires is “The Law of Attraction,” which has been interpreted to mean “Like attracts like.”

Does everyone know this already? If so, why wasn’t I informed? Maybe it’s because I’m sending out too much negativity into the universe. Shit. At this point, I don’t think I can change. It’s just the way I roll. Around 20 years ago, someone tried to fix me up with an eligible single man, a surgeon or something. During our first and only phone conversation, he said to me: “I’m sensing a lot of negative energy from you.” I laughed somewhat maniacally and said, “Let’s stop right now, we already can’t stand each other!”

According to The Secret,   you can change your life by matching the vibrational energy of your desires. If you follow these principals, you can start to “manifest” your desires to achieve a joyous life of prosperity, which is your birthright!  

I love the word “manifest” more than I can possibly express. It has brought me bushels of joy today, even though it has irritated my husband. I guess I have been putting out positive energy without even knowing it!

I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I’m thinking that people who buy into this Secret business are too stupid to deserve any sympathy. What leads human beings to look for a Secret? What accounts for their belief that there is one Secret of Existence, and it’s really easy? Looking into this crap has led me to read about Gnosticism and Rosicrucians, dubious belief systems that at least involved morality.   Maybe that’s the key difference in New Age beliefs about self-actualization. You don’t have to do anything good; you just have to cultivate positive energy and wish hard, like Wendy in Peter Pan.

I think we know what this says about all the world’s poverty and suffering. People in Africa are really, really negative. I am, too, but I am nonetheless hoping to manifest a new pair of wide-leg jeans and if I don’t lose my job, maybe even a new car!

Grammys 2007 Exegesis

Monday, February 12th, 2007

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The Grammys show just gets worse, along with the state of popular music. But let’s review it anyway.

Most Sickening on Every Level: Sting. God, just the sight of him was stomach-turning. Ugh! You’re old now, Sting! Cover your arms, get a hair transplant, and don’t aim for those high notes!

Most sickening on only a couple of levels: John Mayer. What’s with that guy’s face? Is he doing it on purpose? And what about that fake bluesman vocal??   Even if he went blind, I wouldn’t buy him as a bluesman. Although it would spare him the pain of looking at his girlfriend, Jessica Simpson.

Diva Overload: Mary J. Blige, Beonce, Carrie Underwood….can we stop the screaming already? Big voices and histrionics aren’t all there is to singing. Subtlety, feeling, individuality, those qualities seem to have been extinguished entirely by the American Idol school of performing. However, I’m excusing Christina Aguilera, just because she wears such great lipstick and is willing to get down on the floor to make her point.

The Dixie Chicks: Fine, now the industry has made amends to them after being so mean about their George Bush statement. But they didn’t have the guts to use their new power to condemn Bush more forcefully, when they had the perfect opportunity. Pathetic. Let’s ban them again and burn their records.

James Blunt: Now that was funny! It was a perfect parody of a YouTube parody of a James Blunt parody.

Gnarls Barkley: Thank god for a guy who knows how to sing. What a great, powerful presence.

Justin Timberlake has piqued my interest, now that he’s a Mac Daddy. Just looking at him and wondering what makes him so attractive when he really isn’t, is a real turn on.

Finally, that girl who won the chance to sing with Justin turned out to be the one I voted for. By “voted,” I mean I screamed at the television: “I vote for number three!” Obviously, my vote is the one that counts, and I’m proud to have picked a winner.
  

Word of the Day

Wednesday, February 7th, 2007

ludic [loo-dik]   adjective

playful in an aimless way. “the ludic behavior of kittens.”

It’s an icky word and I don’t like it, but I came across it in a description of an artist, Andreas Slominski, who is known for building traps.

Hearing Voices

Tuesday, February 6th, 2007

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New on the Internet: a community of people who believe the government is beaming voices into their minds. They may be crazy, but the Pentagon has pursued a weapon that can do just that.

This is the heading of a fascinating article in the Washington Post titled “Mind Games.”   Reporter Sharon Weinberger discusses the situation of alleged victims of government harrassment via high-tech devices that bombard their brains and bodies with symptoms that doctors dismiss as schizophrenia. Each victim has had some link to a government agency, however tenuous the encounter. Some of them seem otherwise very intelligent and insightful. They are all sensitive to accusations that they’re nuts.

Even more compelling than the article are the comments by readers who are somehow involved in this phenomenon. Some are extremely agitated and you might even say paranoid ( a word I hate to invoke, since it seems to trivialize their mental anguish.)

I’m inclined to doubt the notion of elaborate Government plots against civilians, but some of the evidence cited is intriguing. Here’s a site that details “Five Available Harrassment Technologies,” and includes links to other sinister evidence.

And here’s a site where you can buy a baseball hat lined in tin foil, just in case.