Archive for April, 2007

Trapped in a Body

Saturday, April 28th, 2007


I’ve been fascinated by the news that L.A. Times sportswriter Mike Penner has announced his plans to become the woman he was always meant to be. She will be called Christine Daniels, and she will continue to write the column after a brief hiatus.

Mr. Penner told his story in a graceful column addressed to his readers, who must have been astonished. He explained that ‘tests’ have confirmed he is ‘wired’ as a woman. I searched for a photo of Penner, just curious to see what he looks like , but I couldn’t find one. As we know, he could be a burly 6’7″ and still be a woman trapped in a man’s body.

Personally, I am trapped in a body, but I’m not sure how to express my situation. I used to feel like a brain trapped in an extraneous body that was just a source of annoyance or misery. The body was lousy at sports and kind of awkward in general. On occasion, I still hit   myself in the face with my handbag when I try to throw it in the back seat. In my teens, the body seemed too fleshy, so I got anorexia and starved it. It still took up too much space, in my unbalanced thinking, but eventually I snapped out of it.

Now that I’m, ahem, over forty, my body is a model of entropy. It is crapping out at an alarming rate. This week it’s my lower back, last week my fucking bladder. The migraines are much better but the hot flashes are no bargain, and my chiseled abs are a faint memory, like the name of that Kurt Vonnegut book I was trying to recommend to my kid the other day.

Suddenly, I’ve come upon a new theory of my entrapment. Maybe I’m a gay man trapped in a woman’s body! It makes a lot of sense. I love the company of gay men, who are witty, playful, bitchy, culturally literate and obsessed with fashion. I hear that some gay men don’t have these qualities, but that’s their problem. Anyway, my husband once told me that I had a gay sense of humor, and this was supposed to be an insult. On top of that, I love the Wizard of Oz , Prince,   Six Feet Under, Paul Smith, biker boots, David  Beckham,  leather, and kitsch art.

I might really be on to something here. I do like to wear sexy lingerie, but that doesn’t contradict my theory, right?   The only stumbling block is that according to tests I’ve taken, my brain is wired as female in the extreme. Very high in empathy, very low in systemizing. I’ve called this syndrome “Girlie Brain.”

Girlie Brain sounds kind of gay though! Oh well. Stand by for more research.


Saturday, April 28th, 2007


How come no one is making a bigger deal about the Catholic church taking away limbo?!

Now that they’ve decided it isn’t really fair to send unbaptized babies to limbo, what happens to the babies who were sent there before? I am really concerned. Have they thought this one through?

I wonder if all the babies in limbo will fly up to heaven en masse. A huge surge of babies, like the kind Bush wants to send to Iraq, only not. I picture millions of babies, dressed in those little white nighties, zooming up to heaven like little torpedos. Or maybe they will just be released in small groups.

Either way, the Church has a lot of fucking nerve to create limbo in the first place and then take it away. I guess that’s how they roll. Fuckers.

Phil Spector: A Hairdo Extravaganza!

Tuesday, April 24th, 2007


The Phil Spector murder trial begins tomorrow, and not a moment too soon! I’m not happy with his new pageboy ‘do. but I’m looking for a variety of hairstyles as the trial progresses.

Rumors are out that Keith Richard and Yoko Ono may be called as character witnesses for Spector. I  think they’ll be able to testify  truthfully that he never once shot either of them in the face.


Saturday, April 21st, 2007


I know it’s upsetting, but since I’m on the mailing list of Saudi Arabia’s conjoined twins website, I have to report that the Cameroonian conjoined twins (Shevoboh and Pheinbom) have been successfully separated. Don’t ask me how.

Massacre Shmassacre

Friday, April 20th, 2007


I don’t know about anyone else, but I just can’t get into the Virginia Tech Massacre. I know it’s a big deal, but I’m just not feeling it. There’s something really banal about the killings and the media reactions, like we’ve seen it before, only done better.

The Colombine thing was much more compelling, in my opinion. Was it the trench coats or maybe that high school lunatics are more poignant than college lunatics? It was a better story all around, and the current shooter guy can’t eclipse it with mere numbers.

Or maybe it’s the numbers that dull the impact. I read a study that examined how one’s tendency to feel empathy for a victim starts to plummet when the number of victims reaches 5. Shocking but true, isn’t it? Stalin‘s quote was, “One death is a tragedy; a million is a statistic.”

My best friend told me that the people in her office are going around saying “Amercia has to begin to heal,” as though we’re all in shock about the shootings. I doubt that any of those office people feels anything beyond a vague curiosity, and a strong desire to not get caught calling the Cho guy an “Asian” or “Korean,” since we’re not supposed to notice his ethnicity.

I just want to get back to last week and Don Imus! I wasn’t through with  the whole nappy-headed ho uproar, not by a long shot. Actually, I wasn’t even through with Larry Burkhead and Virgie.

Things happen too fast these days, and there’s no public attention span unless OJ is involved. If OJ would only shoot three or four kids in Darfur, I think we’d see a real burst of interest, from Larry King at least.

Meanwhile, I’m even more not interested in the new evidence in the Skakel murder case. Move on, godammit, that guy is guilty as charged, and America has already healed over that one.



The Eloquence of Snoop Dogg

Monday, April 16th, 2007


I like what Snoop Dogg had to say about the Imus thing. Try reading Snoop’s words aloud, to see how Shakespearean they sound!

“It’s a completely different scenario,” said Snoop, barking over the phone from a hotel room in L.A. “[Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We’re talking about ho’s that’s in the ‘hood that ain’t doing shit, that’s trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain’t no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC  going hard on black girls. We are rappers that have these songs coming from our minds and our souls that are relevant to what we feel. I will not let them muthafuckas say we in the same league as him.”

“Kick him off the air forever. Ban him like they did  ‘Pacman’ Jones. They kicked him out the  League for the whole season,   but this punk gets to get on the air and call black women ‘nappy-headed ho’s.’ ”

Vivienne Westwood Penis Cufflinks

Sunday, April 8th, 2007


What more is there to say? you can buy them here  for 75 United Kingdom pounds ($147.) You can never go wrong with Vivienne Westwood.

Seen One Testicle, Seen ‘Em All

Thursday, April 5th, 2007

I always get a cheap thrill from a weird news story. Today, I read about a man who is suing the West Los Angeles Veteran’s Hospital Medical Center for removing the wrong testicle. Instead of removing a potentially cancerous testicle that was “atrophied and painful,” the doctors removed the other one. Oops!

“At first I thought it was a joke,” Houghton told the Los Angeles Times. “Then I was shocked. I told them, ‘What do I do now?'”

I guess you would have to assume it was a joke. However, this sort of mistake happens often enough to require a universal protocol (which is evidently not fool-proof). So here  is a list  of tips for avoiding ‘wrong site surgery.’

I would also suggest a little flag that says “THIS ONE GOES!” or something similar.

Doctors! Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.