Godammit, I’m Mad!

If you were a 25 year old woman with four children, a job at a fast food restaurant, no electricity in your trailer, and a restraining order against your last boyfriend, what would you do?

I just asked my kid this question, and his answer was “rob a bank,” god bless him. I didn’t even think of that and neither did Gilberta Estrada. Instead, she hung herself and her children this morning. The baby survived, rescued by Gilberta’s sister. They lived in Hudson Oaks, Texas, where less than five years ago, another mother shot her three children before killing herself.

Andrea Yates lived in Texas and so did Deanna Laney, who beat her two young sons to death in 2003. There are more, but you get the point. What goes on in Texas? Is it the poverty, the Christian family values charade, the ignorance, or something in the water?

I feel Gilberta’s desperation. I wouldn’t dream of passing judgment on her. It takes a village, or something. But I guess you can’t find one in Texas.

Sometimes in life, one is called upon to make a decision that tests one’s character. And sometimes, you can’t really say how you’d act in a given situation until you’re there. This happened recently to my best friend, who I’ll call “Maxine”, because that’s her name.

Maxine was shopping for shoes when she saw a pair that seemed perfect. Knowing her, I’d say they had very high heels. She picked them up to admire them. The price was right, too! And then she realized they were Jessica Simpson shoes. Jessica Simpson has a line of shoes that she probably had nothing to do with personally, but they are trendy, cheap, and they bear her name on the insole.

Poor Maxine! She froze in horror, holding the shoe. Yes, it was cute, but how willing was Maxine to compromise her dignity for a cute shoe? Even if no one ever found out, she would know she was wearing a Jessica Simpson shoe. She said it was hard, but she put the shoe down and walked away. Her honor intact.

When Maxine told me this story today in the shoe department at Nordstrom, my heart swelled. She had faced the devil himself, and stood up to him. She had demonstrated good character. She was a Profile in Courage. Sometimes, it takes a Jessica Simpson shoe to show the world what you’re made of. I only hope I could act as nobly in the same circumstance.

I love you, Maxine! If you’ll remind me what size you wear, I’ll buy you those baby-blue Miu Miu’s, even though Lindsay Lohan wears them in that ad with the red wig.

It’s been a great week in Celebrity Land! Brad was photographed with his hand on Angie’s ass, cokewhore Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI, and that awful Rosie O’Donnell  left The View.

It feels good, doesnt it?

Poor Kurt Cobain is selling Doc Martens. I mean, Courtney Love is selling poor Kurt Cobain. Didn’t he die wearing Converse hightops? Maybe she can make a deal with them, too. Rock on.

* Amy Winehouse

A killer named James Comer was executed in Arizona yesterday, and his last words were: “Go Raiders!” My feeling after the initial amusement was, What an asshole.

The sports reference was done better by James Filiaggi, who was executed last month in Ohio. His last words were: “We all got to go sometime, some sooner than others. I’m going to be busy getting the Browns to the Super Bowl. Working magic. I love you guys.”   Now those are some final words! Comer is such a wannabe.

In February, James Jackson’s last words were:   “See you all on the other side. Warden, murder me … I’m ready to roll. Time to get this party started.”   I like his attitude! You can probably tell he was black.

I also like this, from George Harris in 2000: “Someone needs to kill my trial attorney.”

Death Row is just a huge source of fascination and entertainment for me. Whenever I’m bored or restless or trying to avoid my own life, it’s a wonderful distraction. I used to love reading about the last meals, and I still would if I could find a website that’s up to date.

I have had many arguments with friends who want to convince me that the death penalty is barbaric. I’m a knee-jerk liberal except for this one issue. Sorry! If you want to read some more last words, go here. It’s actually kind of poignant to see the faces along with the quotes. And once you start, it’s like salted peanuts.

I think the story of the 400 pound gorilla who escaped from his compound at the Rotterdam zoo is unusually rich in metaphor and mystery.

The gorilla, named Bokito, ran over to a 57 year old woman who had visited the gorilla nearly every day for the last ten years, and attacked her. He sat on her, bit her, and dragged her around. From her hospital bed, the woman has said she has no ill feelings toward Bokito, stating: “He is and remains my darling.”

My first thought was that this exemplifies that battered wife syndrome. Then I decided that it was a metaphor for every marriage. Know what I mean? A 400 pound gorilla attacks you, so to speak, but eh, he’s still your darling.

Now I’m wondering how the gorilla saw things. Was he mad because the woman wasn’t paying attention to him that day? Did he feel spurned? Or was he getting even with her for bothering him for ten years (often taking photos and even making videos of him, according to her.)   I need to know.

It also reminds me of a stupid joke my dad used to tell, with a Yiddish accent, about two old Jewish ladies. Sadie goes to the zoo with her friend Rose, and she’s attacked and raped by a huge gorilla! Rose goes to visit Sadie in the hospital a week later, and asks how she’s feeling. “How do you think I’m feeling!” Sadie exclaims. “It’s been seven days and he hasn’t bothered to call me!”

When I read that Danish filmmaker Lars Von Trier is too depressed to work, I did a sort of mental double-take. Weren’t his movies all really, really depressing? How much more depressed could he be? And if he wasn’t depressed in the first place, what was his problem?

Remember “Breaking the Waves?” I personally couldn’t stand it, and went to bed in the middle of it. I could hear the main character screaming in anguish for what seemed like hours. I think it was a gang rape scene. Then there was “Dancing in the Dark”, which was way too weird to even consider watching. That’s the one where Bjork is going blind or something. Then there was “Dogville.” That one was actually pretty compelling, the one where Nicole Kidman ends up wearing a dog collar and is abused by a whole town.

Now I find that the depression announcement could be the director’s idea of a joke. He likes to fuck with people, apparently. He told reviewers that one of his movies was filmed in Automatovision, using randomly generated camera shots. In another movie, he invites a real filmmaker to embark on an absurd project, and then films the guy freaking out.   I’ve also just read an interview in which Lars reveals that he was brought up by communist nudists.

Lars, you are a funny one! I don’t believe you’re depressed. I think you’re promoting your next film, “Antichrist.” I just hope there’s not too much screaming in it.

Isn’t this…incredible? It’s by poor Norma Kamali. If it wasn’t so expensive, I would buy it for my best friend, just to upset her. You can buy it for your best friend at Nordstrom.

Have you heard of an actress named Moon Bloodgood? I’ve just seen her name two days in a row, and I’m not happy about it. I’m not happy about Soliel Moon Fry either, but I’d forgotten all about her until I read something about her kid, who she has saddled with the name “Poet.”

Poet is a really, really bad name, and I’m wondering if celebrities are consciously trying to outdo each other in the Stupid Name Olympics. Demi and Bruce were at the forefront of this movement, way back when they named their kids Rumor and Scout. Poor Rumor is now 18, and already a burned out coke whore, but what can you expect with a name like that? I’m sure it’s traumatizing.

Once you accept “Apple” as a name, there’s not much room to be shocked, but “Poet” seems like the apex of awfulness, somehow. Robert Rodriguez named his kids Rocket, Rogue, Racer, Rebel, and Rhiannon. Maybe he really wanted puppies!   British socialite designer Lucy Sykes has named her new baby Titus, which is slightly less stupid than his older brother’s name, Heathcliff.   And actress Rachel Griffiths has a kid named Banjo.

Ugh!   Remember when names like Madison and Dakota were the most sickening names around, and every SUV was full of them? Remember being annoyed by trendy grandpa names like Sam and Harry? Those were the days! It’s gotten totally out of control, with no end in sight. Here are last week’s top ten baby names, according to parenting.com, all of them sickening if not downright tragic.
Boys
1. Jayden
2. Riley
3. Asher
4. Ryan
5. Colm  

Girls  
1. Sanne
2. Abigail
3. Emma
4. Shiloh
5. Aurelia

Lala Brooks spoke about Phil on Court TV today. She was the lead singer of the Chrystals. Not only a great singer, but what a fantastic fro!