Godammit, I’m Mad!

If you enjoy pretentious writing, Denis Dutton has some treats for you. His Bad Writing Contest has led me to one of the worst writers ever: Judith Butler, a professor at UC Berkeley, who has been described as one of the ten smartest people on the planet. But wait! No one specified which planet!  Here is a bit of her prize-winning prose:

The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power.

Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge. But seriously, Judith, you rule. Other entries are similarly delightful. Check them out here.

As a faithful reader of the Los Angeles Times, I am increasingly horrified by the paper’s latest Rock critic, Ann Powers. I think she shows promise as a future winner of Mr. Dutton’s contest. Here’s a sample:

Early rappers such as Too Short and Slick Rick modified Blowfly style, weaving elaborate tales of priapic adventure with a dash of silliness to temper the bluster. The tradition was carried on in the 1980s by Oakland’s Digital Underground and Miami’s accidental free-speech icons 2 Live Crew and later by Kelly’s pal Snoop and many a rapper from the “Dirty South.” Less comically inclined artists have transformed hyper-masculinization into a hero’s burden. The late Rick James is a prime example of this approach; songs like “Superfreak” and “Fire and Desire” set the stage for Kelly’s grandiosity by turning funk into opera. The New Jack Swing era took gangster attitude into the bedroom, as groups like Guy, Jodeci and Dru Hill brought gangster cool into the bedroom.

I realized the other day that nearly all my thoughts fall into two categories: ‘I hate’ and ‘I want.’

With that in mind, I’m going to focus more on stuff I want, in order to balance all the hatred. (As if I could!)

I want this outfit by Yohji Yamamoto. I want the ruffled dress, the leather jacket, the tulle gloves and the funny hat. Click on these photos and you’ll see why.

I also want these peep-toe boots by Givenchy. I love them. I wouldn’t be able to walk in them, but who cares.

I really want these red shoes by Lanvin. Everyone should have a pair of these shoes, which will never go out of style.

If you like to look at beautiful fashion you can’t afford, you can’t do better than Louisa Via Roma, a fantastic website.

Imagine thousands and thousands of people, sitting in front of their TVs last night, screaming “WHAT?!?” as their screen went black at the end of The Sopranos. It really did look like something went wrong with the network transmission or something.I think it was a great way to end the series. During the last few minutes, my heart pounding, I realized how much I wanted to see the whole Soprano family get blown away. It was a strange feeling that I was unprepared for. Maybe it was just the desperate desire for catharsis, after an hour of increasing tension. Ambiguity is kind of satisfying in its own way though, so I’m happy with how it ended.

This is the best reason to mourn how low we’ve sunk. Photographer Nick Ut took the famous picture of the little girl fleeing a napalm attack 35 years ago. Today, he took the photo of Paris Hilton crying in the back of a police car.

That says it all, doesn’t it? 

Jewelry makes up for a lot of life’s frustrations and disappointments. For example, these gold hippo cufflinks by Emma Franklin help me appreciate the beauty of wildlife. I wish all wildlife could be gold. Check out her website for other lovely and unusual pieces.

Jennifer Herwitt makes gorgeous, delicate diamond jewlery inspired by nature and insects. Her spider necklace is breathtaking. I would order it with black diamonds. Go to her website to admire all her stuff.

I don’t have to see Hostel or Hostel II to know that the guy responsible for these films is a total douchebag. And while I try to avoid the term ‘douchebag,’ sometimes nothing else will do.

Eli Roth is pleased to tell us that Le Monde chose Hostel as the best American film of the year, over The Departed. Also, he goes on, an “art form magazine called Hostel the smartest film they’d seen on American foreign policy and American imperialism.” Isn’t that nice? He’s been applauded for the genius he is, using explicit torture scenes to make his noble points about foreign policy.

I hate guys who foist garbage on people while insisting it’s a metaphor for garbage. I  hate this guy in particular for his pretentiousness. He seems like a spoiled brat whose psychoanalyst father and artist mother really fucked him up. He says they took him to see ‘The Exorcist’ when he was six, and marvels at how cool that was. Poor Eli! I guess he was traumatized, but that doesn’t excuse his wretched exploitation films and the aggregate damage done to filmgoers anxious to prove they can withstand the worst images of human suffering.

Eli Roth is also a connoisseur of teen movies like ‘Porky’s’ and “anything with Scott Baio.” See, he’s ironic and post-modern! More reasons to love him, and by that I mean hate him, because I like irony, too. In an interview he gave on the eve of his first hit movie, ‘Cabin Fever’ (also about torture and probably imperialism or maybe global warming) he reveals his plan to make a teen movie called ‘Scavenger Hunt.’ He says he’s going to bring back “real kids and bush. That’s what’s gonna come back. We’ve gotta bring bush back to movies.”

For  a moment, I’m ashamed to say I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. Then he wraps up the interview with, “I just want real tits and bush!” Oh. That makes sense. I think Eli Roth needs a better psychiatrist than his dad. More to the point, I think he’s a fucking douchebag who needs to die. If only I could kill him,  Le Monde might recognize it as my statement about American consumerism.

I know ‘Hostel II’ will make a lot of money. I think I’ll save my money for ‘Scavenger Hunt.’

If you missed the MTV Movie Awards because you had to watch The Sopranos, here are the main points.

Johnny Depp! Johnny was adorable, beyond yummy, despite his funny grunge outfit and that praying-hands thing he does. He is the shiz, and don’t argue with me.

Sarah Silverman was vulgar and proud of it, as usual, and I hate her. Whenever I see her described as “the beautiful Sarah Silverman” I flip out. The low forehead, the big nostrils, the dyed black hair, ugh. It’s not enough to be offensive, you should actually be funny. Make her go away!

Sasha Baron-Cohen was irreverent and gave you your money’s worth when he kissed Will Ferrell. Posh Beckham looked like a midget hooker, whereas Jessica Biel looked like a hockey player in a shroud-like mini-dress.

Amy Winehouse was fabulous in every way. She looked like a little stick with a huge beach ball balancing on her head, but I love her to death and can’t get enough of her. Go to youtube and watch her sing  if you haven’t fallen for her yet.

Paris Hilton was upset when that mean ugly Sarah Silverman dissed her, so she left the show and went to jail a day early. Some black girl sang a song, dressed like a dominatrix, but my husband was messing with the new remote so I didn’t hear it. Cameron Diaz  looked  like a sausage squeezed into a tiny black mini-dress, designed to prove to Justin that he shouldn’t have dumped her.

Dane Cook was awful and needs to die. Shia Le Bouef did something, but I don’t know what because I had to watch The Sopranos (which was an exciting bloodbath.)

That’s it, until next year! Let me know if I forgot something.

Look what Damien Hirst has contributed to the art world now: a diamond studded human skull! It’s covered with some of the world’s “most perfect diamonds,” “ethically sourced,” and it cost Hirst twenty million dollars to make.

“The skull says so much about the Zeitgeist,” says a contemporary art specialist at Sotheby’s. Ha, that’s just what I was about to say!

Right now, Hirst says he has almost wrapped up a sale, for $100 million. It’s a lot of money, but I think it’s much prettier than the sheep in formaldahyde. Plus, it would make an awesome pendant.