Archive for July, 2007

Lindsay Lohan And Me

Thursday, July 26th, 2007

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We were driving to San Pedro and listening to Fox news in my husband’s car. Some loudmouth guy was making stupid generalizations about Lindsay Lohan and her cultural significance. My husband suggested that I call in with my opinion.

Some lady answered and screamed “John Gibson show, what do you want to say about Lindsay Lohan?” So I said something like, Well, I don’t think she’s a role model for anyone. I like to read about her troubles because I enjoy hating her.

I was put on hold and I listened to other callers making the usual points, like “Why can’t we focus on something important?” or some crap about Hollywood and celebrities.

Suddenly I was on the air, and drawling my own crap about Lindsay Lohan. I said that my friends and I think that Lindsay Lohan is an attention-whore and will do anything to get more attention. I said that she probably came by it honestly, thanks to her screwed up parents, but she was making her own decisions every day, just like anyone else.

The radio host sneered, “So, you think it’s fun to watch her kill herself? You enjoy that, do you?”

I answered, “Not at all. I’m just saying that bla bla bla.”

But he’d cut me off, of course, because it’s Fox News!

God, I loved hearing myself on the radio. There was a slight time delay, so I got to hear my last words, which were fabulous, but I can’t quite remember them.

From now on, I’m going to call in to radio talk shows all the time, and I’ll find a way to complete my thought about LL, which was this: When I heard about her arrest, it was like Christmas Morning!

Wasn’t it like that for everyone?  
  

Man With Almost No Brain (Not Bush)

Wednesday, July 25th, 2007

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The news story about the guy with ‘almost no brain’ made me think of our president, obviously.

Then, I was thrilled to learn the name of this rare condition: Dandy Walker complex. Is this too cute to be real?!   I’m too tired to investigate further, but I love this adorably named disorder. And I’m pretty sure Bush has it, too.

Larry David’s Divorce: I Like It!

Monday, July 23rd, 2007

When I heard that Larry David and his wife Laurie were splitting up, I  was so happy that I thought there should be a word to express this feeling. I have created one in German: scheidungglück. It means, “divorce happiness.”

It should not be confused with scheidungleid, which is the grief you felt when Mick and Jerry broke up. My husband still comforts me about that, to this day.

I don’t know Laurie David but I certainly knew she wasn’t good enough for Larry. It’s obvious that he can do better than Laurie. I hope he can relax now that some loudmouth isn’t bitching to him  about the environment all the time.

Casting The Phil Spector Movie

Tuesday, July 17th, 2007

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By now, I’m sure we can all agree that Bruce Willis should play Judge Larry Fidler. In fact, how do we know that he isn’t already playing Judge Fidler?

The other roles are still open. I like Al Pacino for Phil Spector. I haven’t thought much about Lana, but her ‘good friend’ Jennifer Hayes-Riedl looks somewhat like her. Unfortunately, Jennifer is so mean and disloyal that I don’t think we should throw any work her way, know what I mean? She not only accused Lana, on the witness stand, of being “very very very depressed,” but she called her “anal-retentive.”

In other Spector news, you can hear an interview he gave just 36 hours before he shot Lana Clarkson, here.

And if you haven’t read the bodyguard’s testimony regarding Phil’s opinion that woman are “all fucking cunts who deserve a bullet in their fucking heads,” go here.

A Ginormous Mistake

Monday, July 16th, 2007

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Now that Merriam-Webster has officially proclaimed that ‘ginormous’ is a word, I have even less regard for their dictionary.   ‘Ginormous’ is a horrible debacle as far as my ears are concerned. It also makes me think of ‘vagina,’ but I know I am overly sensitive to the V word. I don’t even like girls named Regina.

Anyway, what next, ‘kajillion?’ That one bothers me as well, but ‘eleventy billion’ is okay, because it’s so cute.

Allan Metcalf, a professor of English at MacMurray College in Jacksonville, Ill., and the executive secretary of the American Dialect Society, doesn’t like ‘ginormous.’ Here’s what he said about it:

“A new word that stands out and is ostentatious is going to sink like a lead balloon,” he said. “It might enjoy a fringe existence.”

Isn’t that an awful sentence?!   Why is this guy on the board of the American Dialect Society? No wonder everything is screwed up.

Body Modification: I Say No No No

Sunday, July 15th, 2007

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My friend Dr. Larue sent me this story about a pair of twins who’ve taken body modification to a new level. I am hoping that this is a hoax, but you can decide for yourself.

Fall Fashion II: More Stuff I Want

Wednesday, July 11th, 2007

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The more I see, the more I want. And the more I want, the more expensive are my objects of desire. Here are three items I can’t afford: the bag by Versace, the boots by Chloe, and the shoes by Lanvin. Click on them to admire their jewel-toned glory.

If I ever saw someone wearing any of these items, I would have to kill them.

Bobos vs Pinkberry

Tuesday, July 10th, 2007

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Abbot Kinney is a street in Venice, CA, where  ”screenwriters” hang out in a trendy coffee house and couples browse rustic-looking antique shops for something to impress their friends. Barbra Streisand used to send a  ”picker” to scour the shops for the beaded evening bags she collects. In other words, it’s a haven for Venice hipsters and people with too much time and money.

Now, the community is hopping mad that a Pinkberry has invaded this hallowed territory. Some residents have collected thousands of names on their petition to get rid of the Pinkberry, which they consider a chain store. Chain stores have no place on the shabby-chic street, argue these residents, who want to preserve Abbot Kinney’s celebrated arty charm.

I’ve lived in Venice for a hundred years, and at various times I have  eaten pizza, had a haircut, bought t-shirts, and had a drink on Abbot Kinney. I’ve gasped aloud at the prices of crap in the antique stores. I’ve never witnessed anything that isn’t perfectly compatible with a Pinkberry shop.

There’s a lot to hate in this world, but let’s never forget to hate Bobos. They are a scourge who should not be encouraged to shape neighborhoods to their loathesome specifications. These Bobos in Venice obviously want to feel they’re more elite that the average schmuck drinking latte in a Starbucks.

Fuck them.

” It is better to be a good, ordinary bourgeois than a bad ordinary bohemian”
[Aldous Huxley, 1930]

Cute Guys

Thursday, July 5th, 2007

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Sometimes, you just want to look at cute guys. Even cute guys who are way too young for you. It’s so relaxing. You can find them at models.com

The Cruelest Cut

Wednesday, July 4th, 2007

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I’ve heard of it before, but I wanted to stay in denial. Now, faced with an article in the July issue of Allure magazine, I stupidly read about ‘labioplasty’ and how popular it is among women in their 20s. This was a true WTF moment for me. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!

Dr. Christine Hamori explains in the article why women are moved to have plastic surgery on their Special Area. Sometimes, they just want to look a little smaller…less bulky. Sometimes, they want to look better in tight pants. Sometimes, they just want to be more symmetrical.

The doctor is asked if the popularity of the Brazilian Wax is the cause of so much insecurity about the Special Area. Actually, insecurity is my word, not hers. She avoids that word, choosing to talk about aesthetics, as if she were talking about square-tip fingernails vs. rounded ones.

Call me naïve, but what the hell makes someone’s Area “too bulky?” By whose standards are we judging such things? I’m wondering if I should have gone to gym class instead of ditching every day. Who are these people with body parts that “hang down?” And if their parts are not like some porn star’s, why do they care so much? Are men now fixated on a small crotch, and how small are we talking about? Is this some pedophilia-influenced trend?

God, this is so fucked up. Much more tragic than anything I’ve heard in at least 24 hours. If I had a daughter, I would drop everything and go explain to her that her body is sacred, and I would mean every word. How funny that western women decry genital mutilation for African girls, and yet seek the services of Dr. Hamori .