Archive for July, 2007

There Goes Barneys

Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007

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When my friend Tim informed me that Barneys New York has been bought by an investment arm of the Dubai government, I was very upset. It’s not like Barneys will only sell burkas from now on, but somehow it feels like a betrayal on the part of the Jones Apparel Group, who accepted the offer of $825. Couldn’t Salma Hayek get that billionaire boyfriend to buy it for her, since he already runs Gucci, YSL, Balenciaga, etc. etc.? Where’s Salma when you need her?

I probably won’t stop going to Barneys, but I think I know what the Brits felt like when Harrods was bought by Mohamed Al Fayed. I guess it’s kind of xenophobic, which isn’t a good thing. I didn’t even know about the huge statue of Dodi and Diana that Mr. Al Fayed wanted to perch  atop the roof of Harrods. He ended up putting it inside, near Door 3. It’s called “Innocent Victims.” Even if it’s true they were both cokeheads, I believe in their victim hood.

If Salma had bought Barneys, she could have commissioned a statue of Frida Kahlo for the roof! What a wasted opportunity. If I could buy Barneys, I wouldn’t change a thing, although wait, I would change a thing here and there. I’d make those aggressive people in the cosmetics department scale back their attack. I’d have a bigger lingerie department. That’s it, I think. I wouldn’t need to erect a shrine there, although last week I heard that I just missed the Olsen Twins as I was leaving Barneys in Beverly Hills. Maybe a bronze statue of the Olsen Twins would be nice, holding up their gigantic handbags.

I once heard that in Dubai, you can buy burkas by Chanel. The cloth has little embossed Chanel logos that you can barely see, but who wants an old generic burka if you can pay an extra thousand dollars for Chanel?

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The Perfect Jeans

Monday, July 2nd, 2007

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Here is my best tip on surviving the fashion doldrums. It’s too hot to think seriously about fall, but one more baby-doll mini-dress and I might have to kill someone. What really matters is finding the perfect jeans, and here they are.

These jeans are from Del Forte Denim and made of chemical-free organic cotton. They are really soft and comfortable despite their tight fit. They are beautifully finished with hidden embroidery to make you feel happy when you put them on. If you’ve seen high-waisted jeans that make people look frumpy, they weren’t these. The style is called Willow and runs true to size. Check out the website for stores or you can order them here.

Summer Film Reviews

Monday, July 2nd, 2007

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I haven’t seen these new movies but I’m ready to offer these reviews anyway.

Let’s start with Transformers. This is a big, ear-splittingly loud movie that’s sure to please your kids and your adulthood-phobic friends. Great special effects and huge big things everywhere. If you loved transformers back in the day, this will remind you of your first Nintendo and how popular you were when you got a new game for it. The storyline is simple but still baffling. Broad, topical jokes help to pass the time between big transformer things crashing around cities and making a mess.

The Bourne Ultimatum. In this sequel, Matt Damon looks gayer than ever. Julia Styles and Joan Allen are both kind of blah and therefore help to keep the attention on Matt, who has that ‘concerned’ look down pat. He runs a lot in this action-packed film, looking very fit and appearing in briefs to remind his core audience why they see his movies. Great scenery; Russia looks just like you’ve always pictured it. Great Russian accents throughout. Loud syrupy soundtrack reminds you how to feel. You will never be able to follow the plot but you’ll feel exhausted at the end anyway. Very satisfying if you like mass-market thrillers.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. This is a lively one-note comedy that tries to have its cake and eat it too. Filled with gay stereotypes and silly demeaning jokes about gays, it also wants you to think it’s promoting tolerance. Gay characters here are much nicer and nobler than the heteros. The message is, We all need some Gays in our Life! Adam Sandler is grating as always. Jessica Biel is on hand to distract you from the tired comedy with her famed bubble-butt and suspiciously tiny chiseled nose.

Finally, Hairspray. In this tragic adaptation, John Travolta will horrify you on every level. You can tell yourself he’s not gay as much as you want, but that won’t change things. A cast full of great actors like Christopher Walken doesn’t help to redeem this mess. Newcomer Nikki Blonsky in the role of Tracy will win your heart, just like all spunky fat girls with great big hair. The sets and costumes are fabulous, though. If you can see it without the soundtrack, it might be worth your money.