The September issue of Vogue is pleasingly hefty, but in all other respects it is a huge disappointment. I remember the days when opening the September Vogue was a sacred ritual. You had to set aside a period of time to look at every page, letting the waves of sumptuous unaffordable suede and leather fantasies wash over you. Every fall, you were commanded to wear high boots and wool menswear and darker lipstick, as if they’d all just been discovered for the first time.
This year, Vogue has lost its authority and direction, I think. Maybe it’s the fault of the designers, or maybe it’s Anna Wintour. How can you even believe in the fashion dictates of a woman who still wears a stupid pageboy with bangs when she has a grown-up daughter? Then, she goes and puts Sienna Miller on the cover. What next, Chloe Sevigny?
I miss the old Vogue, with its bossy mandates that left no doubt about what you needed to look for. I will never forget the precision of “Think yellow, like the inside of a banana.” Things were always “key,” meaning Follow these directions or you’ll blow it.
This year, Vogue wants you to wear ankle boots AND high boots, wide-legged pants AND skinny ones. Make up your goddamned mind, Anna. The one thing to be happy about is the end of the baby doll dress. I don’t even want to see a baby wearing one, at this point.
Here are the new trends, as if you didn’t already know:
1. The Bootie. Sickening word, but don’t blame me. I like ankle boots, so I’m on board with this one.
2. The Menswear Look. You know the drill: slouchy trousers, neckties, fedoras, bla bla bla.
3. Black Tights. Yay! The bare leg was too daunting for those of us who can’t stand the smell of the fake tan stuff.
4. The Funny Sleeve. Call if trumpet shaped or balloon shaped, just as long as it’s funny looking.
5. The Cropped Jacket. Yes, we’ve had that for years now, but pretend it’s new.
6. The Clutch Handbag. No way. If I can’t get my sunglasses in there, it’s useless.
7. The Chunky Knit. Think grandpa, or soup lines in the winter.
8. Grey. Everything must be grey, it’s all about grey, don’t even think of ignoring this one!
9. The High Boot. Think biker or riding boot, then add around $800.
10. Patent Leather. This makes me happy, but it could start making me mad. You know how I get.