Godammit, I’m Mad!

Is anyone out there watching ‘Dexter’ on Showtime? I am completely addicted to this series, after announcing at first that I didn’t like it and didn’t want anything to do with it.

Boy, was I wrong. I love it, and I especially love the main character, as portrayed by Michael C. Hall. What a brilliant actor! He was a great repressed homo in Six Feet Under, and he’s an amazing serial killer in Dexter.

Here’s my problem. A new character has entered Dexter’s life, and the actress who plays her is verging on intolerable. There is something wrong with her face, but so far, no one will agree with me. When I say something is wrong, I mean it’s really weird and it just doesn’t work, like the features are all out of whack. Maybe its her jutting jaw, or her suspiciously big lips, but whatever it is, it’s a serious problem. Her face is so fucked up that I’ve stopped complaining about Dexter’s sister, who is a goddess in comparison.

To add to the face problem, the actress speaks in an exaggerated English accent and manages to make the word “Dex-tah” take about two minutes to enunciate.

Can this character please die?  I am hoping Dexter will kill her in the season finale, to ease my pain. Is anyone on my wavelength with this? Help a nigger out.

Look at this beautiful silk blouse I just brought. When I tried it on for my husband, he made a face. Oh well. I really love it, even though I’ll probably never wear it.

If you need one too, try blaec or gargyle.

I am pleased to share Shopbop’s ‘Most popular Top Sellers,’ which they kindly revealed to me today. I’m not sure if they think I’ll hurry to buy one of these items, so as to join the In-Crowd, or to make sure I’m ‘on trend’ (a term that’s like a knife in my heart.)

Maybe they just want to help me confirm my distaste for these popular items. That must be it. Good job, Shopbop, you know me so well, it’s uncanny.

1. Dress by T-bags:  Hate it.
2. Jeans by J Brand: Hate J Brand
3. Dress by Lewis Cho: Blah dress, sick of seeing his name
4. Boots by Loeffler Randall: Hate this overpriced brand
5. Juicy Couture Tracksuit: Ha Ha, as if!
6. Tory Burch flats: Like I want everyone to recognize her logo?
7. Bag by Marc Jacobs: Crappy bag, and I’m against Marc Jacobs on principle
8. Mini by Karta: Horrible dress, it even looks horrible on the model, Sad Redhead Girl.
9. Ugg Boots: Please!
10. Cashmere Turtleneck: Ugh, hate turtlenecks

There are more items, by Diane Von Furstenberg, Dolce Vita, James Perse, etc. No, no, no, and no.

I’m only sorry they forgot to add a coat with balloon sleeves and something by Philip Lim. Then my list of I Don’t Want It would be complete.

I still love Shopbop, though, and I look at their shit religiously, every single day. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s to check up on Starving Girl and Sad Redhead Girl, who looks a little like Sissy Spacek and as I’ve only just noticed, has a wonky eye. No wonder she’s always sad.

I have been thinking about Lakshmi, the Indian toddler with eight limbs who just underwent surgery to make her look normal. I thought she looked kind of beautiful, like a Shiva or an octopus.

But I don’t want to be part of any cheap attempt to fetishize her. So instead, I’d like share my discovery of Madhu Kishwar, a human rights activist who approves of the surgery but asks the media to give the child some privacy.

In this short interview, Kishwar addresses a question about glorifying the dead:

“Glorification shouldn’t happen, but you can’t prevent people from glorifying. Look at Princess Diana, the most stupid woman in the history of womankind, who flung herself at the most worthless men in the world — she’s glorified by the British people. Should I send them to jail?”

What a delightful woman!

This interview with Jeremy Scahill has reminded me to fear and loathe Blackwater and its founder, Eric Prince, who just happens to be a fundamentalist Christian.

Blackwater also operates a division called Total Intelligence Solutions, run by Cofer Black, former head of the CIA’s Counterterrorist Center who oversaw the rendition program (ie our government’s kidnap and torture program.)

There is no end to the evil of these bastards. If you haven’t seen Robert Greenwald’s ‘Iraq For Sale’ , that’s a good place to start getting scared, and getting mad.

I know it’s become a fixation, but I can’t help it.

Here’s Kim with yet another Giantess! Where does she find them? This one has something to do with Playboy.

I have finally managed to cancel my e-mail sibscription to Daily Candy. I have wanted to do this for months, but something stopped me.

Maybe it was the futile hope that one of their incessant bulletins would be useful to me. I didn’t want the feminine hygiene products, the jeweled pepper spray holders, the Mojito recipes, the bachelorette furnishings, or the tips on how to spend my weekends.

Most of all, I didn’t want any more of that awful, horrible, cutesy, pun-filled text. Here’s how they begin to describe a bra-fitting service: “You and your tatas are having communication issues.”

Most of it is much worse. Thank god I’ve found the courage to cancel that shit. If you too have been subjecting yourself to Daily Candy, I’m here to tell you that you can make it stop.

Thanks in advance for all the praise of my integrity!

The Oregon Supreme Court is being asked to decide whether a 12 year old boy should be circumcised, and it’s a real mess. A divorced couple are fighting over their rights to make the decision for their son, who is converting to Judaism, the religion of the father (the parent with custody.) The mother is trying to prevent the procedure, comparing it to “sex abuse or physical abuse.”

The mother’s attorney asked the Court whether they would allow the amputation of some other body part, if the father wanted it. The father, a lawyer who is representing himself, has noted that the boy’s preference isn’t relevant. The Judges are wondering whether a parent could impose a ‘nose job’ on a child whose face was ‘just fine.’

The father maintained that a parent could do anything that wasn’t illegal to a child . When a Judge asked if that meant you could get your kid’s face tattooed, the father noted the difference between a traditional ‘mom’ tattoo on the arm, and a swastika on the face.

Four Jewish groups have filed briefs in the case, backing the father and citing religious freedom as the issue at hand. A group called Doctors Against Circumcision are supporting the mother.

I think that kid should run away, on the double. He can seek political asylum, at my house. His dad seems like an arrogant, narcissistic lunatic.

Opinions, anyone?

All my hopes for the latest teacher-student romance were dashed today when I read that they were caught and arrested in Mexico, at a mall. What a thrilling escapade it must have been. She will probably spend the rest of her life paying for it, and who knows what will happen to the boy. Eighth-grader Fernando Rodriguez turned out to be an illegal immigrant, so for now he’s stuck in Guanajuato, far from his teacher, Kelsey Peterson.

Kelsey is 25, but she looks like a big baby, whereas Fernando is 13 and looks like a blinged-out hustler. I wonder if it was love at first sight? He was in her sixth grade math class, so I guess he wasn’t too good with numbers. Kelsey was also a basketball coach, so maybe they shared a love of sports. In any case, what could a girl in middle school offer him, when his teacher felt passionately enough to risk everything for their Love?

In his emails, Fernando called Kelsey his ‘Baby Gurl’ and said their relationship wasn’t just sex, but the sex was good. I should hope so, because now they’re really screwed. I like to think that these two are soul mates, like Mary Kay Letourneau and whatshisname. I hope Baby Gurl is pregnant and can have her love-child in prison. I hope Fernando stands by her, and waits for her.

People don’t understand the charms of a 13 year old of ethnic descent. Especially to a blonde teacher with plucked out eyebrows. It’s hard to explain in words. It’s kind of like the sirens who lure sailors to their death, only with some sweaty hormonal sex thrown in.

Remember Woody Allen’s excuse? “The heart wants what it wants.” I hope Kelsey’s lawyer remembers this one. Sometimes the heart wants a person who isn’t exactly appropriate, but you can’t say no to the heart. The heart is the boss.

If I could pitch this story to a major studio, I’d say it was a cross between Thelma and Louise and Romeo and Juliet. In fact, there’s a great movie called Hard Choices from 1986 that portrays an amazing romance between a female social worker and a 15 year old convict. It was as irresistible and tragic a love story as I’ve ever seen, and shocking too, of course.

I like to imagine that Kelsey and Fernando were seized by something bigger and wilder than most things in heaven or earth, Horatio. I hope it wasn’t just a collision between a lonely nutcase and a horny teenager who sucked at math.

Bill, I love your show, and I know you’re a player, but let me give you a new rule: Don’t date women who might ‘go public’ when you’re through with them. I’m just saying.

Here’s what your ex, Karrine Steffans, says:

 ”Bill wants someone he can put down in an argument, tell you how ghetto you are, how big your butt is, and that you’re an idiot. That’s why you never see him with a white girl or an intellectual.”