Godammit, I’m Mad!

Finally, we can expect the ‘It’ baby to arrive in 2008, courtesy of Tom Ford, onetime ‘It’ designer turned fragrance monger, who divulged his plans to Fantastic Man magazine.

Tom’s partner Richard Buckley doesn’t want a kid, but too bad for him, Tom says. “It’s going to give his life new meaning,” Tom states ominously. Furthermore, the baby will be Tom’s biological child.

Elsewhere in the interview, Tom notes: “I don’t find a guy’s cock or a woman’s vagina offensive.” That’s a relief!

Ironically enough, I find that statement offensive. I’m not sure why. Is it because he assigned a gender to the cock and vagina, to clarify that he doesn’t like a woman’s cock or a man’s vagina? Or is it because he pairs a clinical word with a slang word?

In any case, Tom’s cock and someone’s vagina will undoubtedly play their respective roles in producing the ‘It’ baby, whose name will take its place with Suri, Zahara, Apple and the rest of them. If Shiloh is the Birkin bag of babies, what will Tom’s offspring be? Maybe this Mulberry Bayswater.

Even though I spend aimless hours on the internet, sometimes until my eyes burn, I’m not addicted to it. According to this test, anyway.

I guess you’re not addicted until you say “LOL” in real life conversations. Some guy somewhere starved to death because he was playing a game online. What an idiot! Why couldn’t he eat at his computer, like the rest of us?

Thank god Shopbop has hired a model with implants! Now they can stop subjecting Starving Girl and Sad Redhead Girl to the humiliation of those bikini shots.

Doesn’t Dame Vivienne Westwood look fantastic here at age 65?  I didn’t know that she accepted another honour at Buckingham Palace without “wearing knickers!”

You can see a short interview with her here. It’s fun to hear her call people cunts, a term I use several times each day. If only I could walk in high heels. Maybe my new penis necklace will empower me somehow.

What a wonderful woman and role model!

Wednesday night was the first day of my new life as a follower of televangelist Melissa Scott, and once you’ve seen her, I’m sure you’ll agree that you simply can’t get enough of her.

Pastor Melissa Scott is the third and final wife of the loony Rev. Gene Scott, who had once hired her as a hot young babe to sit in the front row of his TV audience. Anyway, he’s dead and Melissa took over his, ahem, ministry.

She has a waist-length mane of hair that she likes to flip over her shoulder, and her heavy make-up says actress/stripper, in contrast to her bizarre black frock-coat and heavy men’s shoes. She paces back and forth in front of a white board scribbled with weird foreign words. Her hand motions suggest a background in mime or hula dancing. It’s hard to take your eyes off the hands, but given the rest of her, one manages the task.

Pastor Melissa’s accent is hard to pin down and her diction is particularly odd. Her attitude runs the gamut from mildly annoyed to manic and wrathful.

I fucking love her. I remarked to my husband about midway through her show, “I’d like to know what this woman was in her former life.” That’s when he googled her and learned that she was once a porn star and enterpreneur.

My hope is to one day attend her Sunday service in downtown Los Angeles. I want to ask her about those shoes, which look like they might be my size, a full and lovely 10 narrow.

Kate Hudson has pulled off a brilliant publicity stunt by pretending to be pregnant and then unveiling her body in a skimpy thong-style bikini. Her pristine white butt has appeared on every celebrity gossip site, photographed from every possible angle.

After weeks of parading around in big baggy dresses, she made sure that her butt would receive all the attention of an urgent breaking news story.

I will admit that her butt is beyond compare, except to the butt of a ten year old albino gymnast. Good for you, Kate! Now, if only your butt could act, you’d be making the big bucks like Reese Witherspoon!

I watched “Tierney Gearon: The Mother Project” on Sundance last night, unprepared for its intensity. It was described as a documentary about a model-turned-photographer who takes pictures of her schizophrenic mother.

Like “Tarnation,” it sucked me in from the very beginning. It only took a few minutes for me to form the opinion that Tierney Gearon is just as crazy as her 64 year old mother, if not more so. She gets her mother to stand outside in the freezing snow,  wildly taking snapshots as the older woman pleads to go back inside.

Watching this documentary is excruciating but endlessly fascinating. It forces one to confront ideas about motherhood, family, mental illness, and exploitation.

Tierney wants to be a good mother, but when her child sobs, her instinct is to photograph him rather than comfort him. She literally uses her new baby as a prop. But she clearly enjoys an intimacy with her children that is really extraordinary. She speaks to them honestly, and joyously takes part in their games, even when it means letting them jump over her as she lays on the grass, hugely pregnant.

Tierney’s mother is a vibrant old lady who lives alone in a ramshackle house and occasionally lashes out at her manipulative daughter. At one point she screams at Tierney, “I gave you everything! All my love and my beauty! But you won’t help me, you bitch!”  It’s a moment of bitter raw emotion, which cuts to the heart of the matter, I think.

Mothers who do their best are still not good enough, and crazy mothers leave their mark. Craziness runs through Tierney Gearon’s family like a virus, but she doesn’t see it. I worry for her three kids, who will undoubtedly struggle with her craziness and their own, in the end. They will probably become parents of crazy children. Nature loads the gun and environment pulls the trigger. In this family, like so many, the trigger is pulled over and over.

The photos that made Tierney a figure of controversy are beautiful and disturbing. It’s hard to see how they could have been considered pornographic. But she does manage to imbue her pictures with an ineffable weirdness that makes a family picnic look like a satanic ritual. She seems like a courageous survivor who would eat her own kids if they got stranded on a desert island.

Watch this movie if you’re up to it. You can buy it on Amazon.com.

It must be fun to go to college these days. You can learn to use words like problematize, complexify, and nonpluralizable. Read more about this here.

Reductionist thinking about binary logic? I am so totally disincentivized to figure out what people think they mean when they use these made-up words!

Sometimes the Holy Grail reveals itself when you’re just screwing around on the internet. That’s how I discovered Natalia Brilli, a designer whose fetishistic handbags and accessories are inspirational works of art.  Why won’t someone buy me her deer-head purse, when I so obviously deserve it??