Archive for August, 2008

The Fur Vest: Your New Must-Have Item

Saturday, August 30th, 2008

I don’t want a fur vest, or at least I didn’t want one. But I may not have a choice, if the imperative of being fashionable does its job on my poor vulnerable brain.

Here is what I mean:

From left: Intermix fox fur, Intermix goat hair, Jenni Kayne coyote fur.

If you think you can get out of this by joining PETA, forget it. You can achieve the same look with feathers:

This feather vest is by LaRok at Chick Downtown,   whose mailing list is practically a jail sentence, so constant and bothersome are their updates.

I hope to god I don’t get suckered into this 60s flashback Yeti look, but I’m not promising anything.

Meet Starving Implant Girl

Saturday, August 30th, 2008

Remember Starving Girl and Implant Girl from Shopbop?   Well, I’m happy to introduce Starving Implant Girl from Revolve Clothing. I’m on their mailing list, which means I am bound by duty to spend long hours every week, clicking on the new arrivals. It can be exhausting, let me tell you.   So it’s good when they throw me a crumb, like this poor model. She has so little body fat, you can see tendons in her hips.   But the boobs are so natural! (Just kidding!)

Beehive in The White House: Yes But No

Friday, August 29th, 2008

I have barely come down from the high of Obama’s acceptance speech, only to learn that McCain’s choice for Vice President is a busty chick with a huge beehive who used to smoke pot and doesn’t hate gays. Governor Sarah Palin has the Sexy Librarian look that we’ve all come to appreciate, and she’s certainly a ‘fresh face’ in national politics.

But I’m sorry, a great ‘hive alone isn’t enough to get by on. Just ask Amy.   Sarah Palin is the anti-Amy, and not in a good way. In high school, she was head of her school’s Christian Fellowship of Athletes. She’s a “pro-life” activist who is skeptical about global warming and wants to prevent polar bears from being protected as an endangered species.

She is also a strong proponent for oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, which even McCain has opposed. She is under investigation for abuse of power in the firing of her ex-brother-in-law, a state trooper. She fired the Public Safety Commissioner who balked at firing the ex-brother-in-law, and replaced him with an official who had already been reprimanded for sexual harassment.

Sarah Palin is clearly an ambitious and capable woman, but I’d like to see her stay in Alaska and ruin things there, rather than help John McCain ruin what’s left of the whole world.

Earlier this year, She was brave and noble enough to bring a child with Down Syndrome into the world, but here are my problems with that:

1. She named him Trig. (Her other kids are named Bristol, Willow, Piper and Track)
2. She returned to her office 3 days after Trig’s birth.

Are any of you good with this? I’m saying Yes on Trig, but No on His Mom.

Am I A Prostitute?

Monday, August 25th, 2008

No, but I look like one, posing on the commode wearing my breathtaking birthday necklace from Queen Marie!

This photo says to me, “WWII-Era Italian Prostitute” and yet in reality Sister Wolf is a very contemporary woman with a necklace that spells CUNT. How much do I love this necklace? I think that’s obvious.

I have to go to San Francisco to go turn 55. While I’m Away From My Desk, feel free to leave your birthday wishes and/or insults.

Long Live Our Queen Marie!

Good News About Your Butt!

Saturday, August 23rd, 2008

IT ISN’T BIG ENOUGH!

I swear I wasn’t looking for them, but Butt Enhancers have come into my life and I couldn’t feel happier about it. Feel Foxy has the best pictures, but Bubbles has some great items, too. Personally, I am more interested in the Butt Bra than the padded butts. It “holds up the weight of the buttocks.”

I don’t know how your date might feel when you disrobe and your “buttocks” fall to their natural level. I don’t even know if “buttocks” is/are plural, for god sake! And yet, this Butt Bra might be the answer to my prayers!

As luck would have it, I ended up at the glorious website of Shop in Private, where I clicked on “hard to find items.” I was excited to find they had anal bleaching cream, and combination douche/enema bags. However, a click on “Our Strangest Products” produced the Oral Sex Trainer, which exercises and strengthens the tongue.

Whew! I know this is a lot of important information to absorb at once. But the funny thing is, it all started because I clicked on an ad when I was searching the Urban Slang Dictionary for the word “chill,” .

I remember when “chillin’” and “illin’” were new words, and it was fun to use them in conversation. I remember when the suggestion to “chill out!” meant “relax!” Later, you could just say “chill” and drop the “out.” Now, people describe themselves as “chill.” “I’m really a chill person, I don’t party much bla bla” is a common celebrity quote.

My problem is, I think you are a “chilled” person, if you like to chill. Just as you’re a “relaxed” person if you like to relax.

Fuck it. We argued about “chill” all the way home from the mall today. No one will agree with me. This is a microcosm of my whole life.

I Saved $1,700 by Shopping!

Saturday, August 23rd, 2008

Imagine how thrilled I was to see the metallic green Marni bag on the left for $1,815 at net-a-porter! It reminded me of my metallic green Not Rational handbag that I got on sale for $75, because no one was stupid enough to pay the original price of $550. I bought it at a swanky store called Traffic. I think I squealed something like “Oh god, what an offensive color!”   I meant it in a good way.

After I paid for it, the sales assistant offered to keep an eye out for other offensive bags. I said “Sure,” because it was easier than explaining the difference between Good Offensive and regular offensive.

I have never used this bag, which normally hangs from my tailor’s dummy when it isn’t posing gracefully on the commode. On its other side it has two pockets with snaps. It is incredibly soft. I don’t expect to put it into play.

If you’ve ever saved a lot of money by shopping for something you will never wear, let’s hear about it!

Fashion Victims Unite!

Thursday, August 21st, 2008

Do you find yourself craving those stupid rolled-up boyfriend jeans that Katie Holmes has been bothering us with? Don’t worry, you’re just reacting like a consumer, tirelessly trained by the advertising industry to buy whatever is deemed the New Thing.

The reason you want them is also because they look different from the jeans you already have. If the fashion marketers didn’t persuade you that what you already have is uncool and out of style, they would go out of business! You know that, right? But you still want those stupid jeans!

You want them, and you’d prefer the ones by Current/Elliott, because their publicists have been working around the clock to make you aware of them.

But guess what? They’re stupid! You won’t look good in them, and you’ll have to explain to your boyfriend why you’re wearing them instead of the tight jeans he’s accustomed to seeing on you. You will have no decent excuse, believe me.

Instead of responding to a new fashion imperative, why not consider resisting it! This item is the perfect one to renounce.   Imagine the freedom to ignore all fashion rules, or to make up your own.

Let’s admire Anna Piaggi and her friend Viv. They would never have taken the bait of those stupid jeans!

John Mayer, Thy Name is Douche

Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

I know that in the grand scheme of things, celebrities don’t matter, but once in a while they intrude upon my thoughts and sicken me more than a hideous display of fringed boots at Nordstrom.

John Mayer is not just an ugly face or a mediocre musician, he’s now proved him self to be an unforgivable cad. If you’re above watching trash TV, you may not know that John Mayer stood on a New York street corner to tell some paparazzi why he broke up with Jennifer Aniston. He repeated the phrase “I ended it because” several times. He needed to make sure that the world knows he is the dumper, and Jennifer Aniston is the dumpee. His insistent praise of her (“She is the loveliest person! The most sophisticated person!”) were just more knives in her back. The unspoken clause is obviously, “but I still don’t want a relationship with her.”

John, didn’t anyone ever teach you some manners? What an egotistical fucking douche! After all the nosejobs she’s had, doesn’t Jen deserve better?! Does she need to hack off the entire nose?!?!

All one can do is wait patiently for the tabloids to plot Jennifer’s next move. It will be one of the following:

1. “Jen turns to Brad for consolation!”
2. “Jen is furious, because SHE’S the one who ended it!”
3. “Jen bounces back by dating the hunky [fill in name here."]

After winning the title of “Most Publicly Humiliated Woman in the World” from Hilary Clinton, Jennifer Aniston merits a place on the Democratic ticket or at least a decent boyfriend who’ll stick around and keep his mouth shut.

Intervention

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008

A federal appeals court in San Francisco ruled Friday that a parolee cannot be obliged to attend an AA or AA-affiliated program as a condition of staying out of prison. For those who believe that 12 step programs are indeed religious in nature, and that “the God of my understanding” refers to the Christian one, this decision may come as welcome vindication.

But what else is an addict to do?

I have attended 12 step meetings in support of a loved one. The god issue was always a huge sticking point. Seasoned 12 steppers always dismiss that sort of attitude as a form of resistance to The Program. For me, it is a resistance to pretending I believe in a higher power. I know and accept that I personally am not the creator of the universe; but I don’t believe in a higher power in the sense that I can’t surrender my will to “It” if it doesn’t exist.

I’ve read about one person who decided that the law of thermodynamics would be his higher power. I’m happy if it saved him from the tragedy of addiction, but I can’t think of anything similar for my own purpose.

So, if not a 12 step program, how can an addict break free of substance abuse? A book called Romancing Opiates convinced me that addicts (in particular, opiate addicts) are addicts by choice. Not victims, not slaves, but people who lack the moral fortitude to step out of the cycle they’re caught up in. Statistics based on American Vietnam veterans suggest that the majority who returned to the US as drug addicts were able to stop using without seeking outside help.

Those statistics are refuted by everyone who uses the addiction-as-disease model. They insist that the vets who got clean did so because they weren’t as badly addicted as the group that continued to use.

“The Heroin Diaries,” a book by Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, was reviewed here by a writer whose main complaint about it was that Mr. Sixx was really only a coke-head and therefore not worthy of the respect due a real junkie (ie a real Suffering Artist.) It struck me as irresponsible as well as stupid to perpetuate the myth of the noble junkie. I even wrote to the reviewer in the hope of having a dialogue with him. He didn’t write back.

More recently, I read a piece in the New York Times magazine by longtime Times reporter David Carr, who has written an account of his addiction called “Night of the Gun.” His writing blew me away. His brutally honest depiction of his bad behavior is difficult to take, but it is certainly bracing and honorable. For some reason, though, the comments his excerpt provoked are mostly angry and bitter. I still can’t understand why, unless it’s the fact that he doesn’t beg for the reader’s forgiveness.

If you love an addict, or have an interest in addiction, I can’t recommend both David Carr’s book and “Romancing Opiates” highly enough.

If you are an addict, you are breaking more hearts that you can possibly imagine. Choose life, damn you!

If you are neither of the above, thank the god of your understanding for missing this particular bullet.

Eyebrow Magic

Monday, August 18th, 2008

Here I am, modeling the fussy white shirt after a hard day limping around Nordstorm at The Grove. As you can see, it doesn’t really work. But I have to say that posing on my commode was a stroke of genius on my part. The lighting in my hallway is very flattering, and the commode will horrify that Crazy Muffin Woman if she dares to come poking around. I think it was the commode experience that somehow provoked her into dissing me. Take that, Crazy!

In other news, I managed to get two sales assistants at the M.A.C. counter into a mini-argument. I praised a beautiful young man on his spectacular eyebrows, and he referred me to a M.A.C. eyebrow pencil in “Stud.”   But another M.A.C person objected, and insisted that “Strut” would be a better choice for me.   It was a tense situation. The Strut woman made up my eyebrows, one in each color.   People stopped and stared at me. I stared back at them and said pleasantly “Which eyebrow makes me look less like an old witch?” They were all struck dumb by this question.

I ended up buying Strut, but of course It was a mistake, like the white shirt. I should have gone with Stud.