John Mayer, Thy Name is Douche

I know that in the grand scheme of things, celebrities don’t matter, but once in a while they intrude upon my thoughts and sicken me more than a hideous display of fringed boots at Nordstrom.

John Mayer is not just an ugly face or a mediocre musician, he’s now proved him self to be an unforgivable cad. If you’re above watching trash TV, you may not know that John Mayer stood on a New York street corner to tell some paparazzi why he broke up with Jennifer Aniston. He repeated the phrase “I ended it because” several times. He needed to make sure that the world knows he is the dumper, and Jennifer Aniston is the dumpee. His insistent praise of her (“She is the loveliest person! The most sophisticated person!”) were just more knives in her back. The unspoken clause is obviously, “but I still don’t want a relationship with her.”

John, didn’t anyone ever teach you some manners? What an egotistical fucking douche! After all the nosejobs she’s had, doesn’t Jen deserve better?! Does she need to hack off the entire nose?!?!

All one can do is wait patiently for the tabloids to plot Jennifer’s next move. It will be one of the following:

1. “Jen turns to Brad for consolation!”
2. “Jen is furious, because SHE’S the one who ended it!”
3. “Jen bounces back by dating the hunky [fill in name here.”]

After winning the title of “Most Publicly Humiliated Woman in the World” from Hilary Clinton, Jennifer Aniston merits a place on the Democratic ticket or at least a decent boyfriend who’ll stick around and keep his mouth shut.

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25 Responses to “John Mayer, Thy Name is Douche”

  1. Imelda Matt Says:

    My beef with John Mayer is that gruesome face he insists on making every time he sings ‘your body is my wonderland’ or whatever the fuck that songs called. Those boots are hot, if your thing is gang bangs on a pool table at back of the Hells Angels clubhouse.

  2. susie_bubble Says:

    Have I been living in a hole or something because I haven’t a clue who this dude is….?

  3. Echidnagirl Says:

    He is one of the most self-entitled, navel gazing twit imaginable.

  4. Skye Says:

    I wish celebrity women would stop “dating” John Mayer – because then he would just go away. He has no other discernible purpose these days – and he always struck me as the douchiest of the douche.

    The first time I ever heard of him was when a girl I used to know and detest said “I really like this John Mayer, I think he’s intriguing.” I hated him instantly on principle and the loathing only grew once I actually laid eyes on his smug and greasy head.

  5. Lady K Says:

    Living in the UK the only thing we know about him is he is a serial celeb shagger, this combined with his irritating face is enough for me to detest him. Poor Jen, she deserves better, but then that wouldn’t be difficult looking at John Mayer

  6. annemarie Says:

    susie_bubble– john mayer is a shite musician who is only famous in america. count your blessings.
    his tunes are bland, bland, bland– terrible muck. that’s his main offense. but then he dates hot hollywood women who he makes clear he considers himself above. I also hate how carefully he nurtures the rep of being a cerebral funny-man to overcome the real truth– the abyss of dipshitness within.
    until now, my fave quote of his was this sudden burst of modesty: “I’m not half as cool as my music is”!!!!
    i’m sorry, but hahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  7. Juri Says:

    I don’t think I can name a single John Mayer song, which is probably not too big of a loss.

    But if I remember correct, headlines 1 and 2 have already happened.As soon as I get my pair of those boots in electric blue and a pair of shiny white spandex, I’ll help Jennifer bounce back and make number 3 reality with her shamelessly flamboyant scandinavian lover. It’s not that she’s my type or anything, but I still want to help her out. “Hunky” won’t probably be the adjective in the headline but the scandal will still be juicy.

    We’ll also wear matching “Brad Pitt has a small penis” t-shirts, just to counter two of her humiliations at one shot.

  8. K-Line Says:

    Can that poor woman catch a break? I have to agree John Mayer appears to be incredibly ill mannered – and he’s a horrible musician.

  9. Sloth Says:

    Holy Crap, Sister! I was going to do a post about this EXACT thing. That he just HAD to make it perfectly clear that HE dumped HER – I couldn’t BELIEVE the NERVE of this asshole! He is SO GROSS.

    If I still bother to post about it I’ll link to yours.

  10. honeypants Says:

    I was thinking the other day “I should have included John Mayer!” on your list of people to hate, and now this! Well, he can be as big of a douche as wants because we all know Jen’s so much better than him! I’ve hated him since the second I saw his facial contortions and useless “music.” Now I hate him twice as much.

  11. enc Says:

    Agreed. Mayer is on the cafeteria plan, and his tray is always full of some version or another of a girlfriend/dessert.

    Jennifer Aniston should get a few rounds of dump-ER.

  12. Mark Says:

    Now if we had the power
    To bring our neighbors home from war
    They would have never missed a Christmas
    No more ribbons on their door
    And when you trust your television
    What you get is what you got
    Cause when they own the information, oh
    They can bend it all they want

    That’s why we’re waiting
    Waiting on the world to change
    We keep on waiting
    Waiting on the world to change

    SUCH GRAVITAS!

  13. Sister Wolf Says:

    EEOOW, is that from his blog or something?!?!?!?

  14. Aja Says:

    He is deeply irrating. Just his existence. And I could tell you a story or two about groupies on the bus that would make your skin crawl.

  15. Sister Wolf Says:

    TELL US, GODAMMIT!

  16. PatrickH Says:

    The only appropriate thing for a man to do when a relationship ends, even if it is he who ended it, is to commit gruesome public suicide. That will spare the woman’s feelings, no doubt.

    Sorry, Sister. But Jennifer Aniston has “emotionally abuse me PLEASE” written all over her. She irritates me no end. I think she gets off on it, actually. She’s like the hysterical woman in Airplane with the lineup waiting to take turns “calming her down”…with lead pipes, chloroform, brass knuckles, etc.

    I’d like to cheer her up…by having affairs with every member of the cast of Friends (even the guys!) except her. Tell the world, “I just didn’t want her, you know? She just doesn’t do anything for me. At all. Nada. Zip. You know…no action down there. Even if she doesn’t use any teeth. Just nothing. Nothing.”

    Some women need to be talked about like that. JA is one of them.

  17. Bex Says:

    He is obnoxious. She’s still probably not over Brad Pitt.

  18. marmalade wombat Says:

    slimey. so slimey.

    and that smug smirk. eww

  19. E Says:

    Well it’s a good thing most of you haven’t even heard his music. Because you can so adequately judge that he’s an awful musician based on that. He’s probably one of the most talented guitarists of our time, regardless of his personal choices in life. Ignorance is bliss, though.

  20. rebecca Says:

    An open letter to John mayer.

    Dear douchebag congratulations on producing these emotions with in me filled with pure hatred against you. No other celebrity no matter how annoying he or she is has ever sparked these emotions, emotions I did not even know I had. You seem to be so incredibly arrogant, selfish, and uncivilized your mother did a horrible job rasing you.That some people compare you to BB king and eric clapton is beyond me, clearly these people dont know good music. You are sooooo fake I dont buy this whole im a sensitive guitar playing renaissance man who is a romantic at heart. You are a douchebag, no one knew who you were until you started f*cking jessica simpson. You are clearly smart in some way because you manipulated your way in to some A list celebs lives and used them to your advantage.
    I think this world would be a better place if you were eliminated…

  21. Westboro Baptist Church Cult Says:

    Fred Phelps is such a jackass! Him and his Westboro Baptist Church Cult! Lets Plan to protest Pastor Fred Phelps’s Funeral now!

  22. John, the Mayor Says:

    You guys are nothing but a bunch of losers, starting by those who say they’re glad about not even knowing who he is or not being able to remember the name of one of his songs.
    And those who say he isn’t talented and/or ugly, that’s just jealousy. Get a life and try to be happy,like he is,and then you’ll probably won’t be saying that. You’re just mad because he has it all while you just have your shitty work and your tedious daily routine.
    The guy really can sing and he is at the age of 33 one of the best guitarrists alive and the best known on his generation, otherwise Eric Clapton and BB King wouldn’t play with him. It’s a shame that musically ignorant and simply ignorant people can come around forums and blind shot someone like that.
    And Rebecca…you really wish to do John Mayer. So hard.

  23. Tillythemint Says:

    Well, I know nothing of who he is or what’s been going on or even what he looks like. All I know is that I came across a couple of tracks of his and was blown away by them. His musicianship is excellent – as one person said, the likes of BB King would not countenance working with him if he was not good at what he does. I enjoyed what I heard from a professional viewpoint – I’m not interested in his personal life.

  24. Jane Says:

    I don’t understand why EVERYONE is this concerned about these two celebrites seriously, it’s not like ANY of you have ever talked to either one of them& acting like Jennifer is one of your BFFS that you have to defend and talk about how sorry you feel for her. She’s a grown woman she knows how to take care of all this. John Mayer is a great musician what goes on in his personal life is none of anyone’s business. Its not like you’ve never met any guy who have done the same exact thing? Most guys try to make it public ( to friends& family etc.) that they dumped the girl. Not saying that it is right because its not but A lot of people do and say stuff like that… so CHILL!

  25. Jane Says:

    Completely agree with Tillythemint! He is a great musician, whether people want to admit it or not there is a reason why he is a CELEBRITY he’s successful.. & keep in mind ..no one is perfect.

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