John Mayer, Thy Name is Douche
I know that in the grand scheme of things, celebrities don’t matter, but once in a while they intrude upon my thoughts and sicken me more than a hideous display of fringed boots at Nordstrom.
John Mayer is not just an ugly face or a mediocre musician, he’s now proved him self to be an unforgivable cad. If you’re above watching trash TV, you may not know that John Mayer stood on a New York street corner to tell some paparazzi why he broke up with Jennifer Aniston. He repeated the phrase “I ended it because” several times. He needed to make sure that the world knows he is the dumper, and Jennifer Aniston is the dumpee. His insistent praise of her (“She is the loveliest person! The most sophisticated person!”) were just more knives in her back. The unspoken clause is obviously, “but I still don’t want a relationship with her.”
John, didn’t anyone ever teach you some manners? What an egotistical fucking douche! After all the nosejobs she’s had, doesn’t Jen deserve better?! Does she need to hack off the entire nose?!?!
All one can do is wait patiently for the tabloids to plot Jennifer’s next move. It will be one of the following:
1. “Jen turns to Brad for consolation!”
2. “Jen is furious, because SHE’S the one who ended it!”
3. “Jen bounces back by dating the hunky [fill in name here."]
After winning the title of “Most Publicly Humiliated Woman in the World” from Hilary Clinton, Jennifer Aniston merits a place on the Democratic ticket or at least a decent boyfriend who’ll stick around and keep his mouth shut.
Tags: boots, Jennifer Aniston, noses
August 21st, 2008 at 12:31 am
My beef with John Mayer is that gruesome face he insists on making every time he sings ‘your body is my wonderland’ or whatever the fuck that songs called. Those boots are hot, if your thing is gang bangs on a pool table at back of the Hells Angels clubhouse.
August 21st, 2008 at 1:04 am
Have I been living in a hole or something because I haven’t a clue who this dude is….?
August 21st, 2008 at 1:20 am
He is one of the most self-entitled, navel gazing twit imaginable.
August 21st, 2008 at 1:26 am
I wish celebrity women would stop “dating” John Mayer – because then he would just go away. He has no other discernible purpose these days – and he always struck me as the douchiest of the douche.
The first time I ever heard of him was when a girl I used to know and detest said “I really like this John Mayer, I think he’s intriguing.” I hated him instantly on principle and the loathing only grew once I actually laid eyes on his smug and greasy head.
August 21st, 2008 at 2:57 am
Living in the UK the only thing we know about him is he is a serial celeb shagger, this combined with his irritating face is enough for me to detest him. Poor Jen, she deserves better, but then that wouldn’t be difficult looking at John Mayer
August 21st, 2008 at 3:40 am
susie_bubble– john mayer is a shite musician who is only famous in america. count your blessings.
his tunes are bland, bland, bland– terrible muck. that’s his main offense. but then he dates hot hollywood women who he makes clear he considers himself above. I also hate how carefully he nurtures the rep of being a cerebral funny-man to overcome the real truth– the abyss of dipshitness within.
until now, my fave quote of his was this sudden burst of modesty: “I’m not half as cool as my music is”!!!!
i’m sorry, but hahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
August 21st, 2008 at 4:04 am
I don’t think I can name a single John Mayer song, which is probably not too big of a loss.
But if I remember correct, headlines 1 and 2 have already happened.As soon as I get my pair of those boots in electric blue and a pair of shiny white spandex, I’ll help Jennifer bounce back and make number 3 reality with her shamelessly flamboyant scandinavian lover. It’s not that she’s my type or anything, but I still want to help her out. “Hunky” won’t probably be the adjective in the headline but the scandal will still be juicy.
We’ll also wear matching “Brad Pitt has a small penis” t-shirts, just to counter two of her humiliations at one shot.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:59 am
Can that poor woman catch a break? I have to agree John Mayer appears to be incredibly ill mannered – and he’s a horrible musician.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:01 am
Holy Crap, Sister! I was going to do a post about this EXACT thing. That he just HAD to make it perfectly clear that HE dumped HER – I couldn’t BELIEVE the NERVE of this asshole! He is SO GROSS.
If I still bother to post about it I’ll link to yours.
August 21st, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I was thinking the other day “I should have included John Mayer!” on your list of people to hate, and now this! Well, he can be as big of a douche as wants because we all know Jen’s so much better than him! I’ve hated him since the second I saw his facial contortions and useless “music.” Now I hate him twice as much.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Agreed. Mayer is on the cafeteria plan, and his tray is always full of some version or another of a girlfriend/dessert.
Jennifer Aniston should get a few rounds of dump-ER.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want
That’s why we’re waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change
SUCH GRAVITAS!
August 21st, 2008 at 8:45 pm
EEOOW, is that from his blog or something?!?!?!?
August 21st, 2008 at 10:48 pm
He is deeply irrating. Just his existence. And I could tell you a story or two about groupies on the bus that would make your skin crawl.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:33 pm
TELL US, GODAMMIT!
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:48 am
The only appropriate thing for a man to do when a relationship ends, even if it is he who ended it, is to commit gruesome public suicide. That will spare the woman’s feelings, no doubt.
Sorry, Sister. But Jennifer Aniston has “emotionally abuse me PLEASE” written all over her. She irritates me no end. I think she gets off on it, actually. She’s like the hysterical woman in Airplane with the lineup waiting to take turns “calming her down”…with lead pipes, chloroform, brass knuckles, etc.
I’d like to cheer her up…by having affairs with every member of the cast of Friends (even the guys!) except her. Tell the world, “I just didn’t want her, you know? She just doesn’t do anything for me. At all. Nada. Zip. You know…no action down there. Even if she doesn’t use any teeth. Just nothing. Nothing.”
Some women need to be talked about like that. JA is one of them.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:25 am
He is obnoxious. She’s still probably not over Brad Pitt.
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:23 am
slimey. so slimey.
and that smug smirk. eww
September 8th, 2008 at 7:40 am
[...] favorite picture from last week is this one, where the full extent of John Mayer’s doucheyness was caught on camera: Douchebag [...]
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Well it’s a good thing most of you haven’t even heard his music. Because you can so adequately judge that he’s an awful musician based on that. He’s probably one of the most talented guitarists of our time, regardless of his personal choices in life. Ignorance is bliss, though.