Good News About Your Butt!

IT ISN’T BIG ENOUGH!

I swear I wasn’t looking for them, but Butt Enhancers have come into my life and I couldn’t feel happier about it. Feel Foxy has the best pictures, but Bubbles has some great items, too. Personally, I am more interested in the Butt Bra than the padded butts. It “holds up the weight of the buttocks.”

I don’t know how your date might feel when you disrobe and your “buttocks” fall to their natural level. I don’t even know if “buttocks” is/are plural, for god sake! And yet, this Butt Bra might be the answer to my prayers!

As luck would have it, I ended up at the glorious website of Shop in Private, where I clicked on “hard to find items.” I was excited to find they had anal bleaching cream, and combination douche/enema bags. However, a click on “Our Strangest Products” produced the Oral Sex Trainer, which exercises and strengthens the tongue.

Whew! I know this is a lot of important information to absorb at once. But the funny thing is, it all started because I clicked on an ad when I was searching the Urban Slang Dictionary for the word “chill,” .

I remember when “chillin'” and “illin'” were new words, and it was fun to use them in conversation. I remember when the suggestion to “chill out!” meant “relax!” Later, you could just say “chill” and drop the “out.” Now, people describe themselves as “chill.” “I’m really a chill person, I don’t party much bla bla” is a common celebrity quote.

My problem is, I think you are a “chilled” person, if you like to chill. Just as you’re a “relaxed” person if you like to relax.

Fuck it. We argued about “chill” all the way home from the mall today. No one will agree with me. This is a microcosm of my whole life.

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21 Responses to “Good News About Your Butt!”

  1. marmalade wombat Says:

    I’m roflling my arse off… guess that means I need that prosthetic arse now.

    the kids are saying chillax now (chill + relax). also take a chill pill (I hate that one! there’s just no comeback without sounding un-chilled out and neurotic).

    the after picture of the bum lady just looks like she’s exaggerating the size and sticking out her bum in preparation for sitting down… i don’t think she’s standing up straight…

  2. Andy Says:

    Great. first you make fun of my ed hardy shirt, now you ridicule my underwear. im going just go read the russian ladys blog from now on. sheesh

  3. Skye Says:

    This post is just too chock full of goodness for me to digest in one sitting, chillax is the worst, and I agree that “chill”is not an adjective.

    I can deal with “take a chill pill” though, only because it’s less enragifying than it’s Australian colloquial ancestor “Settle, Petal.” which brings me from mildly irked to filled with homicidal fury within seconds.

  4. cybill Says:

    At least you have a chance at recovery after you drop your false arse to the floor, because then your date can see your anally bleached real butt. Do chilled peeps wear butt enhancers or are they too chilled for that?

  5. hammie Says:

    Hooray! Finally being whitegirl with a bit butt is in fashion. Now I just gotta hold it up there for it’s moment, before it sags.
    And Skye? Settle Pettle is my new mantra….
    xx

  6. Queen Marie Says:

    You are, of course right.
    They are wrong.
    Pity the fools…
    x

  7. PatrickH Says:

    Sister, you are beyond mad. How you delight me, my wild wooly wolf. I must say that I laughed myself silly when I read that you just happened to be checking out the meaning of the word “chill” at the USD. There’s an innocence and insanity about doing that reminds me of why I love you so.

    The model looks CGI’d…check the flatness of the colour in the butt-out pic. Yuck.

    Please, dear darling, light of my life, fire of my loins (though you be more than twelve, forsooth), what on earth are you interested in “anal bleaching cream” for? I laughed even harder when I read that, but I still have no idea what parts of your dear darling adorable and sweetly puckered a— you would want to…bleach? The ‘fuh? The holy lifting’ frackin’ ‘fuh? Bleach? Your a—? Bleach? My forebrain imploded reading that there is even exists such a product. And you want to use it? I must admit I find myself thinking lewdly, heterosexually, in a distinctly Y-chromosomal fashion about, ah, assisting you in its application. But that doesn’t change the fact that I have no idea what the future state of anal bleachedness is supposed to do for you.

    I should let you know that I have a very strong tongue. Administering “tongue lashings”, which I like to do very much indeed, gives to my lingual organ a great deal of reach, flexibility, malleability and endurance. Again however, should you feel the need to test the OST, by all means, crook your finger at me, and I shall come…I shall come…

    Running! I shall come running!

    Thank you for giving me an early Sunday laugh such that I haven’t had in many a year. You are sui generis, my darling. Please stay that way. You are some kind of light in my life (infernal perhaps, deep dark red, but light nonetheless!).

    And…why were you checking out “chill” in the USD? Why my dearest? Why?

    I remain your somewhat bewildered admirer,
    Patrick

  8. WendyB Says:

    My dogs could teach classes in crotch licking.

  9. Juri Says:

    Speaking of hard to find items, I was watching a program called “Sex School For Boys and Girls” (the genre seems to be very popular in Danish television) and saw somenthing called “the accomodator” (if I heard the teacher right). It was, essentialy, a huge strap-on penis which men are supposed to wear on their chin while giving oral.

    After this week’s episode I decided to buy myself an “accomodator but haven’t managed to find one yet. I can’t wait to go on a date with that. I don’t think my date’s butt bra will be The Problem when I introduce her to my chin penis.

  10. tobilynne Says:

    There was some show a few years back of TV’s most shocking moments. I think #1 was some woman going to get her arsehole bleached.

    I’m glad the butt’s making a comeback. I’ve always been embarrassed of mine. I’m only about 100 pounds, and a whole lot of that is butt — and very little of that is boob.

    Juri — I’ve seen those at the local sex shop and am pretty curious — if you get one, I wanna know how it goes over.

  11. enc Says:

    I don’t need my butt to be any bigger at this point, but when I do, I know just where to look for help!

    xx

  12. Make Do & Mend Says:

    Butt enhancers, anal bleaching cream and giving good tongue are the antithesis of chill – I need to look at urban slang stuff because I still think chill means put a cardi on as its getting cooler.

  13. annemarie Says:

    oh my god, that Patrick H is OUTRAGEOUS!

  14. PatrickH Says:

    annemarie, my love for the Sister has deprived me of my reason. Perhaps La Wolf should send me some of that oxycontin she keeps promising me.

    Men! Always blaming everything on women!

    Well, yes…

  15. annemarie Says:

    Patrick H,
    I’m sure I speak for most women here– as long as you can live up to your promises of herculean inter-labial action, you can blame anything you like on us. x

  16. Sister Wolf Says:

    Patrick -See me after class.

    Miss Wombat – we must devise a retort, like “take a cyanide ride!” or something…

    Cybill -excellent question.

    Hammie -Yes, your time has come!

    Queen Marie – I am trying to curtsy, as pelvis will permit.

    WendyB – Really? Mine is a strictly a butt-sniffer!

    Juri and Tobilynne – I love it when my friends hook up!

    enc – glad to be of service

    Make Do – Word up. That stuff is ill.

    annemarie – Yep, he is my personal Stalker, an officer and a gentleman.

  17. fashionherald Says:

    Dude, take a cyanide ride! Nice, I like it! I like how you start with butt enhancers and anal bleaching cream, and then you end w/a ride home from the mall. normally you’d think it’d go the other way, well done.

  18. littlelux Says:

    “chill out” is my secret weapon against my mother. nothing sends her foaming at the mouth faster than when i tell her to “chill out”. it gives me a bit inner happiness when she is being ridiculous.

    oh and Patrick H (umbert) – i enjoyed very much your sweet and ecstatic entry for sister wolf.

  19. Juri Says:

    Tobilynne – I found a couple of webshops that sell Accomodators, and I will buy it. My life is not complete without it. But my first impression says it’s a very uncomfortable apparatus to perform with, especially around the throat, and my first impression is rarely wrong. Nevertheless, I’m willing to not only give it a go but to wear two extra sets (forehead and the back of my skull) for group fun purposes if I survive the initial test. I’ll keep you posted if I don’t choke.

    Sister Wolf – Your page is a place for miracles!

  20. Sister Wolf Says:

    fashonherald – thank you, I love praise!

    littlelux – my kids enjoy making me mad as well. Let us all enourage Patrick to keep it up. And bless you for being literate!

    Juri – for god sake, be careful.

  21. PatrickH Says:

    littlelux and annemarie:

    I was about to attempt to recover some of my dignity and self-control, and then She posts that. pic. up. there.

    Well…

    I mean it, Sister. You really are a dish. I dig you. You are, as they say in the Marines, my type. You are just so beautiful and female and feminine and wolfy. I just plain want you, honey. That picture took my breath away. Literally.

    Sigh. Oh and annemarie, I can live up to my claims. Wanna dare me? I can always be your “officer and gentleman” while our Sister is away.

    Oh, and Q-tee’s “I’m Ready” is playing on Itunes right now. It’s a conspiracy I tell you.

    I’m going to the gym.

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