Archive for September, 2008

Predictions For Biden vs Palin Debate

Monday, September 29th, 2008

In honor of the Jewish New Year, I am now ready to reveal my personal history with Sarah “Dumbass” Palin. We met during the Miss Alaska competition in 1984. Sarah was a total cunt even then, but she sucked up enough to be anointed with the Miss Congeniality award.   She knew I was a much better flautist, and this bothered her so much that she spiked me with her cheap high heel just before the talent competition. I nearly bled to death backstage, but she never even apologized.

After humiliating herself with Katie Couric, Mrs. P had the audacity to return for another round, only this time she brought Grandpa to defend her. Watch Grandpa’s body language in this video as he tries not to explode and bash Katie Couric’s head in. I’d like to examine Cindy McCain for bruises, because it’s clear the Grandpa is a fucking vicious maniac.

Mrs. P is heading to Grandpa’s ranch in Arizona to “prepare” for her debate with Biden on Thursday. Which of the following scenarios is most likely to transpire?

1. The McCain operatives implant a chip in Palin’s head, enabling her to understand big words?
2. Track gets taken out by the CIA.
3. Biden comes down with the Black Plague.
4. Bristol has a miscarriage, requiring Mother’s presence at her bedside.
5. Bush has to bomb Iran late Thursday afternoon.
6. God sends word of an early Apocalypse.
7. The stock market collapses so thoroughly that all TV broadcasting must stop.
8. Grandpa threatens to expose Palin’s one grainy porn video unless she drops out as his VP.

Cast your vote or submit your own prediction!

New Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen [updated w/ gerbil]

Sunday, September 28th, 2008

My Best Friend’s Girl

This is a godawful romantic comedy that grates on the nerves and delivers another worthless performance by Kate Hudson in the role of a smiley airhead/vixen. Dane Cook is predictably repellent as the wise-cracking love-interest. The plot is familiar and the dialogue runs the gamut from excruciating to enraging. The only point of interest is the question of why Kate Hudson keeps getting paid to make movies that tank. Why can’t she go away and leave us the fuck alone?!

Nights in Rodanthe

Here are Richard Gere and Diane Lane paired again after making that thriller where she cheats on him with a yummy foreign guy. This time, love blossoms between Gere and Lane just when they’ve given up hope of ever finding Mr/Ms. Right! The romantic locales and the surging soundtrack provide the perfect background for these two glamorous Botox addicts to show how much they can fake emotion.   But where is the gerbil?? Expect laughter and tears from the desperate spinsters in the audience. Only see this movie if you need to take your mom somewhere for a couple of hours.

Body of Lies

Leonardo Dicaprio turns in another impressive performance as a haunted man with conflicting loyalties. Leo runs around trying not to get killed as he attempts to sort out the truth about something. Russell Crowe is the perfect foil for Leo, in a role that shows how different he looks when he changes his hairstyle. It’s a battle of wits as Leo and Russell fight against the clock to come to a concluding chase scene that will have you saying “No wonder Leo gets all those supermodels!” As Imelda Matt writes, “….a wankfest!”

The Women

This is a debacle that will make you thankful for your own face when you get home and look in the mirror. A terrible excuse for a chick movie, The Women is a pathetic stab at revamping the career of Med Ryan, featuring a bunch of actresses you don’t care about except for Eva Mendes, just a little bit, because she hasn’t made you detest her yet. Give her time. Do not even think of renting this movie when it comes out on DVD unless you want to contemplate killing yourself.

*NOTE: I canceled the Weekend Festival of Hate in order to maintain my hatred-level for PAP Smear.

Oh Snap, Grandpa Said “Horseshit!”

Sunday, September 28th, 2008

At the time, I could hear him make some kind of sound, but I thought Grandpa was just hissing when Obama called him out for not knowing who the president of Spain is.

But ha ha, the old maverick actually sneered and said “Horseshit!” On the one hand, old men should be allowed to curse once in awhile, but on the other hand, we can’t have a crazy old ticking time-bomb in charge of the Free World! When he’s not busy calling Cindy a cunt, Grandpa’s always causing some kind of drama, isn’t he?

On the Church Lady front, Matt Taibbi gives a trenchant analysis of her, here.   Describing Mrs. Palin’s speech at the RNC, he says: “It was like watching Gidget address the Reichstag.” He is one furious, eloquent Palin Hater, and a tough act to follow, so I won’t even try.

However! Grandpa’s team is said to be predicting a big October wedding for Bristol and Levi, who are now POWs just like Grandpa was. The wedding will provide more drama and distraction, while the economy sinks like the fucking Titanic!

This could mean good news for the otherwise doomed Track Palin (see Mark‘s predictions in the previous post.) But the horror……and with Putin watching the whole thing from up in the sky!

PAP Smear will convene on Monday night, if Bex can wait that long.

Tomorrow, I’m planning an all new Weekend Festival of Hate.

A Letter From Mrs. Palin !

Friday, September 26th, 2008

Last night, I was summoned by George W (described by a talking head on CNN as a ‘high-functioning moron’ in a rare moment of candor) and Grandpa to meet with Sarah Palin in her home-state, Alaska. She had fled there after suffering a nervous breakdown on national TV, due to a ruthless interrogation by Katie “Mengele” Couric. Even Grandpa himself couldn’t have stood up to this kind of merciless torture.

Sarah looked freshly tanned, but a little shaky. She led me outside to her backyard and pointed out Russia. Sure enough, I could see Putin in Alaska’s airspace! What the hell was he doing? Sarah started running around in little circles. It wasn’t panic; it was more like she was dribbling an imaginary basketball.

I helped Todd and Levi carry her to her bed, where we managed to sedate her by reading the bible and injecting some thorazine into her one remaining functional vein. Everyone wandered outside to watch Putin up in the sky. Little Trig tried to wave. Or maybe Piper was just flipping him around. Bristol’s water broke, but her dad advised her to ignore it until after the election.

When I arrived home, exhausted but proud to have been of service, I received this email from Sarah, who has managed to open a new Yahoo account with only a little help from Piper. I don’t think Mrs. P would mind if I share her letter with the good citizens of our exceptional democracy.

Dear Sister Wolf,

Our visit was so cool and awesome. I know you and John McCain agree that I can see Russia and that such as. The people in Russia who share our border and who fly around dropping the things and we must be prepared for the terrorists over there and not here on our own democratic soil as I have said as Governor many, many times. A pitbull is now overhead in the sky but haha I’m a hockey mom so I know what to do.

The First Dude is out with Bristol somewhere, and I know they are praying for John McCain to save this Fannie Mac type economy that the taxpayers must not blink! Not at all Charlie, no blinking, none. Nada.

John McCain is the answer to this country’s change, as I have said to the people, thanks but no thanks. That was when they asked me to take down the beehive. Over my dead body will I cave in to liberal elitists on the hair issue. No blinking on that one.   Now McCain is hinting that I could best help this great exceptional country by taking a trip on an ice floe.   I will pray on it and then decide what God wants from me.   I can’t second guess Israel and neither can John McCain or that fucking bitch Katie Couric, excuse my French.

Again, I did not blink nor will I second guess Israel, or second guess what Israel may or may not or may yet want to do. Nor should we second guess Israel.

<3 Sarah

Grandpa Wants a Nap!

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

Wouldn’t you know, Grandpa wants to cancel the debate scheduled for Friday night!   He needs to go to Washington to pretend he’s a leader.

NO, GRANDPA! It’s not time for your nap! You can’t back out of the debate just because the economy is bad. What the fuck does he take us for? Are we idiots?!   Are we in Inglewood?! Grandpa is also talking about postponing the vice-presidential debate, according to CNN.

These people are desperate, and they’re hoping to somehow steal this election just like George W did. I’m at the point where nothing seems too bizarre or evil, including the President threatening that the whole world will end unless congress passes his $700 billion deal.

Fuck these crazy bastards. Go here and watch the tape of Mrs. P getting blessed by a Witch Doctor. Be afraid. Then, go here and you may decide, as I have, that Tigger is poor Bristol’s baby, not Mrs. P’s. There is more evidence than any sentient being can possibly reject as ‘just rumors.’

*UPDATE:   And look! I got my images to upload.   No one can mess with me, godammit,   not even wordpress.

Some Thoughts Before Sleep.

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

This is a painting Honeypants found. I love their expressions. Here’s another picture: Mrs. P meets the President of Columbia.   She took the hive to new heights in his honor.

As you can see, she has just offered him a sexual favor, and he’s looking around to see if anyone’s watching.

I’m really too tired tonight to deal with politics.   Let’s just look at other stuff. Here’s some nice jewelry.

The necklace is around $200 and the earrings are $3,600 at Vivre.   It’s nice to think about jewelry before you go to sleep. If that doesn’t work, I try male models, like Poncho here, who is 6’5″. ‘Night, Poncho!

Focus That Hatred!

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

People, I know how hard it is to stay focused in today’s fast-paced multi-tasking world, but we must try to funnel our collective hatred toward Grandpa and the Mean Church Lady. Look at this PAP Smear warrior with her Blessed Virgin. Here is a role model we should all emulate. She’s beautiful, she’s angry, she’s ready for battle.

Today I admit I lost my path for a moment. I discovered the horror that is Erin Wasson, and I was filled with disgust and helpless rage. Where did this awful person come from, and why is she allowed to speak, when every word she utters is an egregious offense?

When enraged so unexpectedly, my organism is flooded with fight-or-flight hormones, which then bathe my vital organs in toxic cortisol. Since I can’t kill anyone, I am speeding toward either colitis or possibly a fatal aneurysm. DON’T GIVE ME MORE TO HATE! In gas station terms, don’t top off my tank.

So we must move past Erin “Why did god make me?” Wasson, Madonna, Gwyneth, even Keira Knightley, in order to function effectively as PAP Smear.

The good news is that Mrs. P is starting to annoy people, even her constituents in Alaska, who resent her Troopergate antics. Today she agreed to be questioned by a panel of three people she has the authority to fire.

People are sick of trying to remember the names of those fucking children. I took my kid to a party and ended up in a group of moms drinking margaritas. None of us could retrieve all five names. Bristol, Track, Willow, Trig…….and who? We were all stumped. The hostess went to her computer and then made us play 20 Questions. One mom suggested “Trash,” which is very inspired but not the answer.

Note to Bristol: Trash is a cool name for your baby!

Another thing to remember as PAP Smear members is that Grandpa needs to be outed as well, as a lying scumbag bent on blowing up the entire world. Grandpa isn’t just a horrible old fart! He’s a deceitful, disloyal little daddy-fearing dipshit just like George W. only potentially more dangerous. Start your reading on Grandpa’s history here. Then go here.

Skulls, Fur, and Gwyneth Paltrow

Sunday, September 21st, 2008

Look at these amazing little purses by Natalie Brilli. Gazing at them, I completely forgot that I’m sick of skulls. I would hate to have to choose between them. In fact, I need everything she’s ever designed, even the black leather skateboard. Every piece is a work of art.

As an admitted lover of fur, I found my self vaguely disgusted by this fur ‘helmut’ by Rachel Comey.

It’s made of 100% baby alpaca. We are assured that it’s “made from alpaca that died of natural causes”. Somehow, that doesn’t sound good to me. If the animals were babies, why did they die? Were they sick? I wouldn’t want to wear anything made from a sick dead baby animal.

It just goes to show how we don’t always respond to marketing. Another example is the use of older women to sell us skin products. Ugh. Or Gwyneth Paltrow shilling for Estee Lauder and Tod’s. The ads with Gwyneth say to me “I’m too lazy to act in movies now, so here’s how I’m making money!”

I saw Gwyneth on Oprah the other night, and she stated proudly that she was very involved in her children’s lives. Hahaha! As though she deserved a medal. Fucking Gwyneth! When she started praising Madonna’s “wisdom,” I changed the channel. Is anyone else bothered by Gwyneth? I actually find her more annoying that Keira Knightley.

*PAP Smear bonus! Here is a clip of the First Dude trying to read!

Rocking Some Hideous Fashion

Saturday, September 20th, 2008

If you’re not in a coma, you already know that you’ll be rocking some leather leggings this winter, no matter what. They sold out at Topshop in around five minutes, but too bad for you. You may have to buy the ones by the Olsen twins, or the ones by Rag and Bone. The leather leggings at net-a-porter are already sold out too, but you can get the equally slutty PVC leggings while you wait for a new shipment.

Here is an enticing description of them:

“Amp up your rock kudos with the cult-status Les Chiffoniers PVC leggings. A sleek pant which definitely calls for some serious stilettos!”

Personally, I am against marching in lock-step with the Fashion Nazis, even when the It Item is something I actually like. I hate being told what to do! Just ask my husband, or anyone I’ve ever worked for. And god knows I don’t want to amp up my rock kudos!

So I won’t be rocking the leather leggings. But how about rocking some sequin leggings instead?! They will go with anything in your wardrobe, especially if you’re an off-duty pole-dancer or a Las Vegas showgirl.

You can get them at Intermix. Or if you really want to get some attention, what about these “genie pants?”

You can get these hideous pants at Shopbop, where I feel so at home that the models are like old friends, only I hate them.

Were you worried that I forgot to mention Mrs. P, the bane of my existence? Well, worry not. Here is a brief round-up while you’re waiting for our Monday night PAP Smear meeting (and the new shipment of leather leggings….)

1. Mrs. P just got caught telling a great big ol’ lie! SNAP!
2. The First Dude is flouting the law in Alaska.
3. They even hate Mrs. P in Uganda! That bitch cuts a wide swath.
4. I have begin to crack the Palin Code! Bristol really means ‘pistol’ and Trig is short for ‘trigger!’ Isn’t this exciting! That’s as far as I got, but I know annemarie will work out the rest.

You Can Put Valentino on a Pig…

Friday, September 19th, 2008

But it’s still Sarah Palin! Poor Valentino, how awful that Mrs. P chose one of his pieces to make her national debut in. Actually, her stylists chose it, to be fair. Earlier, I read that she sometimes goes to an Anchorage charity shop, where she purchased a second-hand jacket by Escada and some Juicy Couture for Bristol.

How telling that Sarah P. would buy used Escada! Ugh!

As CEO of PAP Smear, I have been asking myself, “Self, why do you despise this awful woman so passionately?” And the truth is this: I simply hate stupid people. Hate them, with a capital H. Stupid Bible Thumpers, well, I hate them even more. Stupid Bible Thumping Liars, now we’re talking red-hot hatred, a hatred that cannot be denied or contained.

I can’t see Russia from my house, but I can see this photo of Bristol, hacked from Mrs. P’s Yahoo email. And call me crazy but I see Bristol MOCKING BABY TRIG! Ha Ha, good one Bristol!

The ever-increasing horror of this stupid hillbilly family is now disturbing my sleep, and that’s not good for my mental health. Last night, I tossed and turned for hours, my inflamed frontal lobe generating Palin family names like Tigger, Prior, Blistex, Tic Tac, Toll Bridge, Tagger, Willing, Wallow, Trick of Treat……

In the end, I discovered that I’d forgotten to take my Ativan.

Tomorrow, let’s discuss why The First Dude hasn’t spoken up yet. Can he talk? Does he lisp? Is he a castrato? Let’s find out!