In honor of the Jewish New Year, I am now ready to reveal my personal history with Sarah “Dumbass” Palin. We met during the Miss Alaska competition in 1984. Sarah was a total cunt even then, but she sucked up enough to be anointed with the Miss Congeniality award. She knew I was a much better flautist, and this bothered her so much that she spiked me with her cheap high heel just before the talent competition. I nearly bled to death backstage, but she never even apologized.
After humiliating herself with Katie Couric, Mrs. P had the audacity to return for another round, only this time she brought Grandpa to defend her. Watch Grandpa’s body language in this video as he tries not to explode and bash Katie Couric’s head in. I’d like to examine Cindy McCain for bruises, because it’s clear the Grandpa is a fucking vicious maniac.
Mrs. P is heading to Grandpa’s ranch in Arizona to “prepare” for her debate with Biden on Thursday. Which of the following scenarios is most likely to transpire?
1. The McCain operatives implant a chip in Palin’s head, enabling her to understand big words?
2. Track gets taken out by the CIA.
3. Biden comes down with the Black Plague.
4. Bristol has a miscarriage, requiring Mother’s presence at her bedside.
5. Bush has to bomb Iran late Thursday afternoon.
6. God sends word of an early Apocalypse.
7. The stock market collapses so thoroughly that all TV broadcasting must stop.
8. Grandpa threatens to expose Palin’s one grainy porn video unless she drops out as his VP.
Cast your vote or submit your own prediction!