Last night, I was summoned by George W (described by a talking head on CNN as a ‘high-functioning moron’ in a rare moment of candor) and Grandpa to meet with Sarah Palin in her home-state, Alaska. She had fled there after suffering a nervous breakdown on national TV, due to a ruthless interrogation by Katie “Mengele” Couric. Even Grandpa himself couldn’t have stood up to this kind of merciless torture.
Sarah looked freshly tanned, but a little shaky. She led me outside to her backyard and pointed out Russia. Sure enough, I could see Putin in Alaska’s airspace! What the hell was he doing? Sarah started running around in little circles. It wasn’t panic; it was more like she was dribbling an imaginary basketball.
I helped Todd and Levi carry her to her bed, where we managed to sedate her by reading the bible and injecting some thorazine into her one remaining functional vein. Everyone wandered outside to watch Putin up in the sky. Little Trig tried to wave. Or maybe Piper was just flipping him around. Bristol’s water broke, but her dad advised her to ignore it until after the election.
When I arrived home, exhausted but proud to have been of service, I received this email from Sarah, who has managed to open a new Yahoo account with only a little help from Piper. I don’t think Mrs. P would mind if I share her letter with the good citizens of our exceptional democracy.
Dear Sister Wolf,
Our visit was so cool and awesome. I know you and John McCain agree that I can see Russia and that such as. The people in Russia who share our border and who fly around dropping the things and we must be prepared for the terrorists over there and not here on our own democratic soil as I have said as Governor many, many times. A pitbull is now overhead in the sky but haha I’m a hockey mom so I know what to do.
The First Dude is out with Bristol somewhere, and I know they are praying for John McCain to save this Fannie Mac type economy that the taxpayers must not blink! Not at all Charlie, no blinking, none. Nada.
John McCain is the answer to this country’s change, as I have said to the people, thanks but no thanks. That was when they asked me to take down the beehive. Over my dead body will I cave in to liberal elitists on the hair issue. No blinking on that one. Now McCain is hinting that I could best help this great exceptional country by taking a trip on an ice floe. I will pray on it and then decide what God wants from me. I can’t second guess Israel and neither can John McCain or that fucking bitch Katie Couric, excuse my French.
Again, I did not blink nor will I second guess Israel, or second guess what Israel may or may not or may yet want to do. Nor should we second guess Israel.