New Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen [updated w/ gerbil]

My Best Friend’s Girl

This is a godawful romantic comedy that grates on the nerves and delivers another worthless performance by Kate Hudson in the role of a smiley airhead/vixen. Dane Cook is predictably repellent as the wise-cracking love-interest. The plot is familiar and the dialogue runs the gamut from excruciating to enraging. The only point of interest is the question of why Kate Hudson keeps getting paid to make movies that tank. Why can’t she go away and leave us the fuck alone?!

Nights in Rodanthe

Here are Richard Gere and Diane Lane paired again after making that thriller where she cheats on him with a yummy foreign guy. This time, love blossoms between Gere and Lane just when they’ve given up hope of ever finding Mr/Ms. Right! The romantic locales and the surging soundtrack provide the perfect background for these two glamorous Botox addicts to show how much they can fake emotion.   But where is the gerbil?? Expect laughter and tears from the desperate spinsters in the audience. Only see this movie if you need to take your mom somewhere for a couple of hours.

Body of Lies

Leonardo Dicaprio turns in another impressive performance as a haunted man with conflicting loyalties. Leo runs around trying not to get killed as he attempts to sort out the truth about something. Russell Crowe is the perfect foil for Leo, in a role that shows how different he looks when he changes his hairstyle. It’s a battle of wits as Leo and Russell fight against the clock to come to a concluding chase scene that will have you saying “No wonder Leo gets all those supermodels!” As Imelda Matt writes, “….a wankfest!”

The Women

This is a debacle that will make you thankful for your own face when you get home and look in the mirror. A terrible excuse for a chick movie, The Women is a pathetic stab at revamping the career of Med Ryan, featuring a bunch of actresses you don’t care about except for Eva Mendes, just a little bit, because she hasn’t made you detest her yet. Give her time. Do not even think of renting this movie when it comes out on DVD unless you want to contemplate killing yourself.

*NOTE: I canceled the Weekend Festival of Hate in order to maintain my hatred-level for PAP Smear.

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44 Responses to “New Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen [updated w/ gerbil]”

  1. Imelda Matt Says:

    “Expect laughter and tears from the desperate spinsters in the audience”, Sister Sister, most amusing. I’m seconds away from a Crowe / Dicaprio wankfest, I’ll report back!

  2. WendyB Says:

    Bwah!!

  3. fashionherald Says:

    i live for when Russell changes his hair. Well, that and the hope of an Adrien Brody+Javier Bardem love scene.

  4. Sal Says:

    Har. Seriously WHY was “The Women” made? And why did Annette Benning – who I adore from the ridiculously sappy but heartwarming “American President” – associate herself with such drivel?

  5. Juri Says:

    Yummy foreigners need love too, and any actress stuck with Richard Gere has “steal me from this person who used to look like something but could never act” written all over them in a foreign language.

    Leonardo Di Caprio was all right in “Basketball Diaries” but he was in Titanic and there’s no way of atonement in my world to anyone who participated in that piece of shit. Whatever he has done afterwards, the almost tolerable “Blood Diamond” included, is just another reminder that he should have joined a suicidal cult with Ben Affleck, Adam Sandler, Tom Cruise, Robin Williams and a dozen others, and moved to South America to kill themselves a long time ago.

  6. Bex Says:

    Puke, pass, maybe and pass. I was watching a Russell Crowe marathon last night (Gladiator …Russell is effing hoooottttttt, A Beautiful Mind – Russell + Paul Bettany + Josh Lucas threeway, Romper Stomper….damn he makes a hottttt skinhead) and I don’t even have that big a crush on Russell.

    No chick flicks for me!!!

  7. honeypants Says:

    Meg Ryan makes me want to vomit. I don’t know what the hell she did to her face, but it sickens me. Dane Cook really pisses me off as well, and I’m not particularly fond of Russell Crowe. And I can’t look at Gere without thinking about the gerbil, so all of these movies were already out for me. But thanks for your reviews. They always cheer me up!

    Speaking of things that cheer me up, the bail out bill was rejected! Hooray!

  8. PatrickH Says:

    The lover from “Unfaithful” was a “yummy foreign guy”? I suspect that my dearest Sister, with her Mexicano hubby, may be susceptible to lusting after exotice men, the kind with dark hair and passports.

    That guy was a disgusting, oil-dripping parody of the Latin lover. I thought his accent was so preposterously thick (“Dere is noo raaaaht ooor rhuuuungg…dere issss ooooonlaaayyy wuuttt CHEW do!”) that he was faking it. I first read the actor’s name as Oliver Martinez, which confirmed my suspicion that he was no Frenchman, until I found out it was “Olivier” Martinez. So he may actually have been a real life Froggie. Still, that accent was Inspector Clouseau, it was so thaaack…I mean, I was wondering how long it would take him to ask her, “Do you have a lisssaaahnsss for that minkey?”

    Yummy? That continental greaseball? If women really do find spray-bottled-mist-dripping unshaven blubber-lipped faux Frenchmen like that creature attractive, then I have no more sympathy for them than I do for guys who give their hearts to blonde bimbos with GREAT BIG HOOTERS who laugh at their jokes and say, “Oh Mister Jones, you are just soooo funny! Tee-hee!”.

    I still love you, Sister. And hi annemarie! Missed you!
    Patrick

  9. Sister Wolf Says:

    Yay, PAtrick’s back! ‘Yummy foreign guy’ was sarcasm, Patrick! This is what happens when you stay away for too long.

  10. annemarie Says:

    Snap! I can’t think look at Richard Gere without thinking of the gerbil either!
    Meg Ryan makes me sad. I don’t know who the hell Dane Cook is. I love Russell Crowe. I don’t know why, but I do. There’s just something very reassuring about him. And I’m with Juri on Leonardo di Caprio.
    As for KATE FUCKING HUDSON. ANNOYING! HATE! SPIT! VOMIT! PUKE! SHIT! JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE US ALONE!

  11. Skye Says:

    Russell hasn’t just changed his hair, he’s “stacked on the pounds” too, according to our local evening news which actually had a story about Russ’s hair and weight last night.

  12. annemarie Says:

    Paaatrick!

  13. Sister Wolf Says:

    That’s what I meant to say about Kate Hudson!!!! I’ll go back and say it now…

  14. annemarie Says:

    oh come on now, Olivier Martinez is hotter than my pants. He is absolutely yummy. You were not being sarcastic. No. Come on now.

  15. Sister Wolf Says:

    Oh, fine. He was yummy. Too short though.

  16. honeypants Says:

    I agree, Olivier is totally hot. Sorry Patrick!

    As for Juri’s comments about “anyone who starred in Titanic…” it took a long time for Leo to regain my respect, but I’m sorry — Kate Winslet can do no wrong. Kate Hudson, that’s another story. I’m afraid I don’t hate her as much as y’all seem to. But I certainly don’t think she’s anything special. And since I loved young Goldie so much, I just can’t let myself feel too much hatred toward Kate H.

  17. annemarie Says:

    aah honeypants, honeypants, I almost cried out with glee when you said how much you loved Kate Winslet and was in the middle of writing you a fan letter, but then I looked back at your post and got to the end where you forgave Kate Hudson because of Goldie. honeypants: no, no, no. That is, eh, “horseshit.” Goldie was/is indeed very cute, but her offspring is just a bad and insipid actress coasting along on fried hair and fake tan.

  18. annemarie Says:

    Kate Hudson has a sneaky look about her. I think it’s the eyes.

  19. annemarie Says:

    She also had a nose job.
    (I can’t believe this is my fourth post on Kate Hudson. What is wrong with me?)

  20. Sister Wolf Says:

    Please annemarie, you’re a chip off the old block. Don’t forget Kate Hudson is a total whore and is raising her little boy to be a girl.

  21. honeypants Says:

    Okay, I still can’t say I detest Kate Hudson the way you do annemarie and SW, but after more consideration, I can come up with a few more reasons to reduce any nepotistic credit I was giving her. Namely, Matthew McConaughey. I hate him with all the loathing my body can possibly muster. So based on the fact that she agreed to be in at least two movies playing his love interest does indeed say something very negative about her character. Then, there’s what she did to Owen. Now I realize Owen has made some stupid choices in his career, but he gets off the hook for all of it due to his Wes Anderson associations. And finally, now that I think about it, it seems like she’s made a career out of shallow attempts to her mother’s career.

    Alright. I’m sold. Down with Kate Hudson!

    But Kate Winslet is still perfect.

  22. honeypants Says:

    Whoops! It should read: “And finally, now that I think about it, it seems like she’s made a career out of shallow attempts to imitate her mother’s career.”

  23. Sister Wolf Says:

    Matthew McConaughey = instant nausea. Ugh, horrible. Why can’t he just come out, like Clay Aiken?

  24. enc Says:

    I’ve seen the original version of “The Women” a few times, and I’m not sure if I need to see the remake.

  25. annemarie Says:

    Matthew McConaughey is not homosexual– he is monosexual. I just made that word up. it means that he is not attracted to men or to women but only to his own oiled and naked body. I suppose I could have gone with Narcissist but I think Monosexual is better because I am sure MMcC spends long hours fondling and fingering himself. His self-love is definitely is trapped in the infantile sexuality phase. I bet he eats his own droppings too.

  26. annemarie Says:

    honeypants– I love you!

  27. fashionherald Says:

    don’t forget the print ad for another forgettable film Kate did a few years back in which she wore a mini skirt with Uggs. Bare legs. Uggs. Mini skirt. Uggs. it’s burned in my brain.
    kate winslet is totally perfect. remember the film she did as the crazy girl wandering naked round the desert? love her.

  28. annemarie Says:

    Fashion Herald– yes I do! It was called “Hideous Kinky.” My favorite Kate Winslet role however was in “Jude.” Christ almighty, that film really fucked me up. Really, really.

  29. annemarie Says:

    oh no wait, it wasn’t Hideous Kinky, it was the other one with Harvey Keitel and Foxy brown….what the fuck was that called?

  30. honeypants Says:

    Holy Smoke!

    And as if MMc’s MONOSEXUALITY wasn’t brilliantly hysterical enough, Jude is my favorite Kate movie too! That movie makes me bawl like all my pets were brutally murdered at once!

    I love you too annemarie!!!!!

  31. fashionherald Says:

    how have I missed a pet-murdered-bawling movie called Jude starring kate?

  32. Sister Wolf Says:

    I LOVE HOLY SMOKE! She is brilliant in that. Remember how it ends?!?!?

    Plus, my bother-in-law directed Hideous Kinky, just saying. It sucked though.

  33. Sister Wolf Says:

    annemarie – “droppings?” Hahahahahhahahahaahahaha.

  34. PatrickH Says:

    Yummy, eh? Really?…

    [Suburban neighbourhood. Shirtless man who seems to have stepped out of the shower and forgotten to shave even those it’s two in the afternoon, is standing on veranda of a house with a woman. The wind begins to blow and knocks over a tricycle. Deep dark chords sound.]

    Continental Greaseball: Let us do some…role-playing.

    Faithless Wife: Oh. All right!

    [FW steps inside house and shuts door behind her. CG knocks on door, adopts Sultry Pose # 1 as lank locks of drooping hair drip pomade down his unshaven cheeks.]

    Faithless Wife [opening door]: Yes?

    CG: Ah’ve cuuummm to repaahre yur fuuuuhn.

    FW: My what?

    CG: Yur fuuuuhn.

    FW: My what?

    CG: Aaaah! Yur fuuuuhn! Fuuuuhn! Da ting chew make de fuuuhn callz wit!

    FW: Oh. My phone. You’ve come to repair my phone.

    CG: Pah. Let’s try it again.

    [CG knocks on door, adopts Sultry Pose # 2. More pomade slides down his face.]

    FW: Yes?

    CG: Ah’ve cuuummm to repaahre yur pewlll.

    FW: My what?

    CG: Yur peeewwwllll.

    FW: My what?

    CG: Pewl! Pewl! Da ting wit da watair hin hit, ware chew swaaaahm in da waaatair!

    FW: Oh. My pool. You’ve come to repair my pool.

    CG: Ah. Dis is terrible! Sacred blue feet of the pig! Colonoscopy! Pah-tooie huh!

    [CG storms off, shaking his thick wet hair, splotching trees and fences and random passersby with lemon honey-scented pomade as he stalks past.]

    FW: Oh dear. [Sighs. Picks up a small rhesus monkey clinging to her leg.] All he had to do was ask me if I had a license for Snookums here. Oh well. I guess I’ll have to call Raoul!

    [From the screenplay for Gormless, by Adrian Lyne]

  35. Sonja Says:

    NOOOO! SISTER WOLF! Why are we talking about terrible movies??? With Kate Who Gives a Fuck Hudson no less. Are we suffering from Pap Smear Campaign fatigue syndrome??? But it’s just getting good!

  36. Sonja Says:

    Bex???

  37. Sister Wolf Says:

    Sonja, sorry, it was merely a break for air….see how giddy we are?!

    Back to business later tonight. Put your PAP Smear shirt on, Sonja!

  38. annemarie Says:

    Patrick, it is delightful to have you back!

  39. Sonja Says:

    phew!

  40. Bex Says:

    I was at work Sonja!!! Sowwwyyyy!!! Man, I want one of those PAP shirts..I hope the 3/4 sleeve ones come in a size S…..

  41. Mark Says:

    Can you believe there’s already a website called “Hollywooddouchebag.com” ?????

    I wanted to start it myself. Kate Hudson and Dane Cook could battle it out for douche bag of the week. John Mayer might be douche bag of the year, taking the crown from Owen Wilson, who was douche bag of 2007. Maybe every week there could be a Wilson Brothers Update–is Owen or Luke the Wilson bigger douche bag this week?

  42. hammie Says:

    What can I add to all that? except that Meg Ryans face fell off while I was smacking her in the mouth with a cricket bat (I have my own clinic) and I had to draw it back on with colored markers. I thought I did a good job – Whoops, rumbled.

    Sis, you forgot my other client, Nicole! I saw a picture of her Madame tussauds waxwork at a busstop in London; Man! it was an exact likeness. Note to Nicole, those things are supposed to be laughingly bad, not a template to emulate.
    xx

  43. Lady K Says:

    Ha ha ha ha, been away for the weekend, and just catching up. I hate Kate Winslet for her “oh, I’m so normal and have to diet like the rest of you”……bollocks! I don’t like Kate Hudson either, or her mother who allegedly stinks of BO, yeuch. Don’t get me started on Meg Ryan, a rude rude bitch who was frightful to our British insitution that is Sir Michael of Parkinson. Could Mathew McC and Sandra Bullock not just come out at the same time and save us all having to hear it twice? p.s. Eva Mendes, kind of my lady crush, although straight, at the moment!

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