Godammit, I’m Mad!

This is Mandy. Today I learned that she died from an overdose. I don’t know what her drug of choice was. I think she took anything she could get her hands on. I met her at the rehab place where I went every week to visit a loved one.

She was a very wounded girl who I wanted to save, but you can’t save people. That’s supposed to be obvious.

She was around 23, anorexic, miserable, desperate and defiant. She manipulated everyone around her. Even me. I didn’t really mind it, though. I wanted to help. I thought she just needed love and support. Everyone at the rehab place expected her to end up dead, such was her commitment to hurting herself.

One day after she left L.A., I erased her text messages, thinking they took too much room in my phone. I kept one though, and I don’t know why. It says: “Thanks, I had fun today.”

Poor little Mandy. Underneath the tattoos and bravado, she was an innocent child who someone must have damaged long ago.

She used to put her head down to show me her blond roots, which she hated. I always responded by showing her my own roots, the gray ones. It was like an alien greeting and it made us laugh.

Other people are reeling from losses today, and my heart aches for them, but it aches most for Mandy.

Send her a prayer to the god of your understanding.

That horrible Palin woman is finally unraveling before our eyes, and I can only think it’s the brave members of PAP Smear who are behind this holy miracle!

Today, Tanning-gate (the news that Mrs. P installed a tanning bed in the governor’s mansion) spread like wildfire across cyberspace.  Is this the famously frugal governor who tried to sell a plane on eBay? Or is it the nutty behavior of an ex-beauty queen who puts her looks before cancer? I LOVE IT.

I also love how her claim that Alaska produces 20% of the country’s energy has been debunked: that figure would actually be 3%.

Troopergate: Now she refuses to speak to investigators because she says the whole investigation is “tainted.” Of course it’s tainted, you lying moron! It’s tainted by your own deceitful machinations.

While all this wonderful shit is hitting the fan, I am secretly a little in awe of Mrs. P. Earlier this evening, I decided to be Sarah Palin, and it was much harder than I expected. Both of my sons were hanging out, burning or ripping CD’s, but neither of them wanted to stop for a moment to take a photo for me. It took a lot of whining on my part, a phone-call to my husband to allow the use of his camera, complaints from one son while the other started lecturing that no one walks the dog enough.

Giving up on the photo, I started cooking dinner. Somehow, the cross-complaining and phone-calling got me so anxious that I dropped a steak on the floor while trying to flip it over. I screamed and washed it off before returning it to the frying pan.  The sons walked the dog together and ate the steaks, but I was through trying to be Sarah Palin.

I have no idea how this bitch manages a household of four children and one grandchild, a job, rifles and hunting knives, a tanning bed and who know how much else.  Oh god, I forgot about going to church. This bitch is a damn efficient multitasker, let us give her that.

But even as we watch the lies come to light, the stupidity on display as she refuses to speak to members of the press, we must remain vigilant, PAP Smear members! It will be a wild ride of swiftboating as election day looms closer. We need to continue to cause trouble for Palin, no matter how golden her tan.

Has anyone got anything to report? Someone will take the minutes, maybe Bex or Najda? Okay good. We are very very lucky to have Imelda Matt on board, and I don’t need to tell you about his work with a taser. Annemarie, can you create an important position for Imelda? She has the experience we need, and she MAY even be able to see Russia or some other big land mass from her bedroom window!

This is a quote from a piece about Mrs. P in the New York Times. I couldn’t agree more.

Surely your hair says something about how you perceive yourself and how you want to be perceived. Personally, I never liked to wear my hair up, because it would send the message that I was “trying.” I didn’t want to be thought of that way. Trying was okay if you succeeded, but trying was very sad if you failed.

Now, of course, I feel differently, thanks to Amy Winehouse. Wearing my hair in a beehive, I am making a whole new statement. I am saying, “Look! I’m not afraid of looking goofy! I won’t go to rehab, either!” It is empowering, not “trying.”

I know EXACTLY what that moron Palin is saying with her hair, and so do you! She is saying: “I could take this hair down and give you a lap dance, IF I FELT LIKE IT!” And every man with eyes in his head can read her message loud and clear.  You know who else hears it? Wig Salon.com.

Sadly, they don’t offer the Sarah Palin Style wig in brown with gold highlights, but they recommend trying it in Ginger Brown to get her look.

I know you’re getting sick of this subject, but try to hang on. Read this, I’m begging you, before you read anything else. If it doesn’t stir you to join Pap Smear or to some better form of political activism, you are beyond the prayers of Sister Wolf.

Here is ol’ 8-pack Dara Torres, post Olympics, appearing on the runway in a New York fashion show. I’d like to say that I photo-shopped this picture but no. She really does look like a man. But she’s sporting a baby, like another Important Mom has done recently.

Are babies the new black? Or do they bring a note of pseudo-femininity to an otherwise mannish woman? Dara needs more than a baby to get my vote, and for all I know, it’s Bristol’s baby. Or Piper’s. Twinkle, Sparrow, Spiker, Trooper, what the hell are the other names? I’ve had a glass of wine to enhance my nightly stupor and it’s just kicking in.

Is it sexist to want women to take care of their baby? Is it sexist to disapprove of women whose baby comes second to some athletic or political achievement? Is it sexist to cry Sexist! when someone belittle’s Mrs. P’s dubious accomplishments? Is it sexist of me to admit I’m sexist?

Well, while I’m lashing out, has anyone seen Meg Ryan’s new face? It’s a horrible twisted mask of her other face, with a wide trout mouth and something a little off with her nose, and the whole thing a painful lesson on not fooling around with nature’s plan for your face.  She could have just let it wrinkle and sag, and while she wouldn’t look 25, at least her face wouldn’t be a graphic reminder of bad surgery.  Even Meg has a baby that she got in China, just to stay on-trend.

*PAP Smear: Our next meeting will be Monday evening. Bring your notebooks!

Happy now? Me neither!

Here you can see the stupid leggings that I was the last to know about. I think they are less horrible than reputed to be, but they are not comfortable and there is no point to them. Where would I wear them, and why? It’s like wearing an elastic girdle from waist to ankle.

If I were a black prostitute with a bubble butt, maybe.

These stupid Black Rats retail for $175. You can win them for the price of shipping and handling, simply by explaining to me why I bought them, in 500 words. Or, by making me laugh out loud. I will post the winning entry and then I’ll have one less reminder of my tragic shopping addiction.

If only I hadn’t bought these Rats, I might allow my self to buy this amazing cashmere sweater from Henri Bendel. It was designed by a student-teacher team from SCAD, and comes in two different floral patterns.

Admit it’s beautiful!

Finally, back to PAP Smear business: Did you see the Church Lady’s blank face when asked about the Bush Doctrine? Of course I didn’t know what it meant either but I’M NOT RUNNING FOR VICE PRESIDENT! He should have asked her about birth control or why she drops her g’s when she talks to Alaskans.

Please, please, take her away.

When was the last time you heard the word ‘pig’ so often? When you grabbed a bay’s toes and went “This little piggie went to market…?” Or when you saw the movie “Babe?”

Recently, I was blessed with a huge squishy pig that my BFF got me for my birthday, from Squishable.com.

I love this huge piggie! Piggies are so wonderful, why must piggies be maligned by Grandpa, whose own former press secretary wrote a book called “Lipstick on a Pig?!”

Pigs are certainly nicer than rats. But for some reason I was suckered into buying some legging things called “Black Rats” by Sass and Bide, who may have been inspired by another Aussie company, Ksubi, who made news by releasing hundreds of black rats down the aisle during their first runway show in 2001.

I honestly don’t know what made me buy these things, because they are ruched from waist to toe, and will thus make me look like a fat….well, something fat. You may be wondering why I keep buying things I’ll never wear, and I can only say that shopping is about Owning and Collecting, as Vogue magazine used to explain in the 60s.

Funnily enough, I also Own and Collect red lipstick, which is My Signature.

I was thinking of posting a photo of me wearing the Black Rats, a lot of lipstick, and holding my piggie, but that would involve too much effort. Just picture it in your mind’s eye. Then, picture Grandpa turning to Mrs. P and saying proudly, “That’ll do, Pig.”

It’s as if all life has stopped, except for a throbbing, metastatic dread of Sarah Palin. All the TV pundints are blabbing about her, or blabbing about how much blabbing there is. She hasn’t granted interviews thus far because Grandpa’s people want to see some “deference” toward her. In other words, she’s a woman when we say she is, but otherwise it’s sexist to notice it.

All I can bear to add tonight is that according to the Anchorage Daily News, Mrs. P “cited family considerations in deciding not to try for the US Senate. ‘How can I be the team mom if I was a US Senator?’ Mrs. P asked in 2004.

How indeed? I for one would rather see her honor her commitment as team mom. Or even Trigger’s mom.

I need her to go away and stop scaring everyone! She’s like Cruella DeVille with her lust for dead animals. She’s Nurse Ratched: She’ll fix you even if you don’t wanna get fixed. She’s Elena Ceausescu, who forbade abortions and birth control in Romania until its orphanages were overflowing with unwanted and deformed babies. She is everything that terrifies me about women with big hair who talk about Jesus.

I want to think about shoes! I want to decide whether I should get the red or the silver ones at Yoox.com!

In fact, I’m so upset that I’m just getting the silver ones. Fuck it.

*Order your PAP Smear stuff here

*UPDATE* You can now order you PAP Smear shirts and buttons here!

*UPDATE II* Note the new improved logo

People, we can thank our good friends Dr. Larue and Honeypants for this wonderful logo. Feel free to copy it and use it on all your official PAP Smear correspondence.

Now that we are up and running, let the office manager take the minutes for this meeting. Or whatever, don’t bother, I hate those things. Anyway, while Penisgate is still number one (no pun intended) on our agenda, I would like to go back and revisit Babygate.

Here is an intriguing group of photos which support the notion that Mrs. Palin is not Trigger’s real mommy. I know, I know, you feel kind of sheepish for ever buying into that ‘rumor,’ but I ask you to think again.

Remember all the times you watched Bush on TV and said “This can’t really be happening!” Or, remember how you learned in that documentary about Henry Kissinger that he ordered the bombing of Cambodia at the behest of Pepsi Cola? Stuff happens that our minds want to reject. Like the fact that Mrs. Palin believes in the End of Times, when all hell will break loose, literally?

Now that we have filled our executive and staff positions, we need to roll out our membership drive. Ideas?

We need to disseminate our facts and rumors starting now! There is no time to waste. Make sure to remind everyone you come in contact with that Mrs. Palin is a lying opportunist who can’t even sell a plane on eBay and wants to destroy the Alaskan wilderness, since she’s already had her fun killing things there.

Someone needs to get Patrick a stick, and we are waiting for Tobilynne to make her report. I can’t keep track of this shit, people, I am 55 years old and losing my memory at the speed of light. FIGHT WITH ME, as our own annemarie so eloquently urged us in a battle cry she borrowed from Grandpa!

Fight for freedom to learn about sex! Fight for the wolves and polar bears! Fight for the non-believers who don’t want to have to go to hell on Mrs. Palin’s watch! Fight for sanity! Fight that crazy bitch with all you’ve got, and never let it be said that you sat around and fiddled while an old Grandpa and a mean Church Lady took over the free world!

Thanks to my friend Honeypants, I have just wasted two hours looking at the crazy merchandise you can get at Pin-Up Girl Clothing.  I would kick her ass for doing this to me, but she just lived through another hurricane in New Orleans, so she gets a free pass this time.

I want this stupid Catwoman costume, just for the mask. They only have a size large, so if I get it, the rest of it goes to any Large nutcase who asks for it!

I was clicking through the runway pictures of Limi Feu’s FW-08 designs, and I found my self admiring this model, simply on the basis of her tattoos. You’d think I’m old enough to know that tattoos don’t signify renegades anymore. They have crossed over into bourgeois cliches, or even worse. If they’re on your lower back, or in Chinese characters, they are verging on tragic.

Still…..sometimes, the way someone wears their tattoos can be attractive. It has to look uncontrived.

Shoko Tendo still looks amazing to me.

And I like this girl,  Renee Dorski.  If I was more into pain and my husband didn’t hate tattoos……maybe. What do you think about doing the whole arm, cool or not cool?

*PAP Smear members – We will convene here Monday evening.