Archive for October, 2008

Bristol Palin Held Captive

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

I’ve been wondering where the Republicans have been hiding poor Bristol, and now I know. They’re hiding her on buses and planes, along with her sister, the very hot and soon to be impregnated WIllow Palin.

Wasn’t Bristol supposed to be finishing high school? Oh well, who needs schoolin’.

Why isn’t Bristol allowed to appear with Mrs. P? I just read that Mrs. P brought little Piper onto the Hockey rink where they were booed, in the hopes that no one would boo at a little girl! Mrs. P admitted this, so I guess she still doesn’t think it’s wrong to exploit her children.

Bristol, when your mom turns her back, run like the wind! Actually, make sure you get Trig first, so he can grow up with his real mom.   Don’t bother with that dummy Levi. Let your mom have him, he might come in handy later.

Here’s another nice picture from the McCain Palin tour, with Grandpa enjoying a midget as Cindy looks on, praying for a chance to take some Oxycontin.

Screw Palin, Let’s talk About Me!

Wednesday, October 29th, 2008

I love my new sunglasses and I want to take a moment to say, Are they awesome or are they awesome?

Instead of buying Luella’s batgirl sunglasses for $400, I have cleverly bought these for $7.99 from a Halloween store. They have UV protection and they’re great for driving.   If you need a pair, let me know.

Okay, now back to the stupidest woman ever privileged to walk god’s green earth. Mrs. P told Elizabeth Vargas of ABC news that if she loses the election, she won’t be wavin’ the white flag of surrender.

“I’m not doin’ this for naught,” were her exact words.

On no she di’int! Grandpa is gonna be maaaaaaad!

Mrs. Palin is Quotin’ Plato!

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

In an exclusive interview with Paul Bedard for the US News and World Report, Mrs. P casually quotes Plato:

“It’s like Plato said, ‘You learn more about someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.’ We’ve had people that Todd has ended up hiring [for his commercial fishing business] based on how they did out on a hunt or a snow machine ride with us to see if they are going to complain. Are they going to buck up and realize that you have to make the best of the circumstances you’re in? It’s a good kind of testing ground for people.”

And here I’ve been callin’ her stupid! No way! She not only knows her Plato, but she knows how to take the measure of a man by torturing him on a snow machine ride to see if he’s going to complain!

Many’s the time I’ve been out on a hunt or snow machine ride, out in the freezing cold, with no moose for miles around and a couple of nutcases wielding shotguns, and I have to admit that like the worthless pussy I am, I start to complain. I can’t even tell you how many commercial fishing jobs I’ve missed out on, not to mention beauty contests and runs for the VP of the United States!

In this same interview, she says she prefers to hunt caribou rather than moose, because: “it’s kind of more family oriented.” Well, duh, anyone knows that!

I don’t know, I’m so tired of all this and yet it’s like Plato said, I hate this awful woman and the dead moose she rode in on.

Also too, I was privileged to see for the first time on this great internet of ours, Sarah Palin’s flute performance in the talent portion of the Miss Wasilla Beauty Pageant. Happy to share it with ya’. On the same page is the evening gown segment! I’m sure she’s blaming the RNC or Grandpa himself for picking out that trashy sequined monstrosity.

PAP Smear members, one more week to go!

Is Mrs. Palin a Stupidity Machine?

Sunday, October 26th, 2008

If not, then how does she keep finding ways to be stupid? She is an unholy fountain of stupidity, a geyser of idiotic lies that won’t be stopped by nature, science or Grandpa McCain himself.

In her speech about special needs, she flouts science and makes what Newsweek reporter Richard Wolfe calls “The most mindless, ignorant, uninformed comment we’ve seen from Governor Palin so far.

Whoa! That’s pretty fucking stupid! In Palin’s speech, she mocked research on fruit flies and said that money could be spent on autism research. In fact, fruit fly research has been instrumental in helping improve our understanding of autism. Watch her speech here, watch Richard Wolfe here, and read a fantastic rant about her here. The rant begins like this:

“This idiot woman, this blind, shortsighted ignoramus, this pretentious clod, mocks basic research and the international research community.”

How did I forget to call Mrs. Palin a pretentious clod?! Please accept my apology for being a slacker in the insult department. It won’t happen again, I promise.

In other news, Mrs. P says she won’t be wearin’ any more of those expensive elitist clothes for the rest of the campaign. She appeared in North Carolina, wearin’ her own jeans, and earlier she spoke in Tampa, wearin’ her own trashy jacket, showin’ off her crappy earrings, boastin’ about how frugal she is in Real Life. She’s even droppin’ her personal pronouns; “Happy to wear it,” she said of her $35 wedding ring.

Happy she’s happy. Even happier to read that she can’t accept any lucrative TV offers while serving as Alaska’s governor! It’s not like she would break the law or anything. Maybe she’ll decide to resign, in order to star in her own reality show.   Hopin’ she’ll drop dead before that happens.

Mrs. Palin Enlists Satan in Last Ditch Effort to Win.

Saturday, October 25th, 2008

Now, to add to Piper’s spinning head, there seems to be new Trig.   This is not the Trig Mrs. P paraded around at the RNC.

Did she swap Trig for this new model to distract us from Piper’s spinning head? To tell you the truth, I don’t know what this bitch is up to, after reading an extensive expose of her affiliation with a super-crazy element of Christian extremism called the   New Apostolic Reformation theology.   An arm of this movement is the Spiritual Warfare network, and let’s just say it’s beliefs are truly koo-koo for coco-puffs.   You can bone up on it here or you can just plan to stay far away from Alaska once she returns to carry out her plan of destroying all its endangered species and finding a way to create nuculer energy our of special needs kids.

If you’d like to see her lies debunked about wanting to be a Friend to special needs kids, go here.

An article in the Sunday New York Times is already online, outlining the shifting narratives of Grandpa’s campaign, and recounting his first private meeting with Mrs. Palin at his ranch in Arizona. One can only imagine them playing footsie as they drank their mugs of coffee and regaled each other with tales of their mavericky ways.

Pap Smear, I have taken some ‘medication” prescribed for me by the lord and it’s time to go and worship at the church I call My Freezer, where the sacriment of Banana Nut Ice Cream awaits me.   Sleep tight.

Is Mrs. Palin a Human Life?

Friday, October 24th, 2008

Is Mrs. Palin a human life? This is a critical question for me, not to mention this great country of ours.

Dr. James Dobson, a lunatic evangelist, spoke with Mrs. Palin oh his radio show today. It was an orgy of mutual ass-kissing that only a full-fledged Christian Zombie could stomach. It was god this, god that, with a nice emphasis on “special needs children.”

Mrs. P was happy to praise herself for giving birth to little Trig, who is god’s special way of showing his blessing.   She revealed that she had spent much of her pregnancy on her knees, ahem, praying for guidance.

Now of course, she loves those special needs kids so much that she is speaking against a Colorado initiative that was designed to help the state’s developmentally disabled population by raising the sales tax by one cent for every ten dollars spent in the next two years.

Also too, Mrs. P cut in half her own great state of Alaska’s funding for its Special Olympics program.

Once you’ve recovered from the interview, if you have been so privileged, you can go to the Pray For Sarah page where there is a cute little graph of the whole Palin family.

Mrs. P is reportedly scheduled to give her first policy speech tomorrow, “highlighting her commitment to families with special needs.”   If god is out there, couldn’t he smite her down with lightning? Couldn’t he choose her to suffer for our sins, rather than make us suffer for hers?

I know I speak for Dr. Dobson and everyone else when I say that I appreciate the sanctity of human life. But does Mrs. Palin herself actually qualify? I see no signs of this. All the more reason to get those medical records!

Are you wondering why Little Piper is carrying a $6,000 Louis Vuitton handbag? Oh, you, don’t be gettin’ all excited and thinkin’ that Mrs. P is planning on KEEPING that expensive stuff from Saks and Neiman Marcus! It’s all goin’ back! You know how Neiman’s lets you go around with your purchases and then lets you give ’em back! Some of it is going to charity, of course.   Heaven knows, disabled kids love them some Louis Vuitton!

Sister Wolf Breaks It Down

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008

A reader calling herself Kim asks: “Don’t you people have anything better to do than judge other people? I can’t believe how rude you people are!!”

Kim, let me answer you this way: NO, WE DON’T!

Here at, we judge people. We figure that the good lord gave us the ability to make judgements, so why not exercise it? Like the great Gustave Flaubert, we are “severe mais juste.” Strict but fair.

In PAP Smear news, Mrs. P was unable to define “preconditions” and agreed to reveal her medical records IF she does in fact reveal them. Good to know!

In a new interview with People Magazine, Mrs. P and Todd “The Bully” Palin are asked “Who’s the better cook?” Mrs. P answers (god bless her heart) “I’m a better cooker.”   Hahahahaha!

Okay, I have been asked to list “11 Things” about me, and I feel it is my privilege to let the people of this great country and any other land mass to know these eleven things:

1. I buy and hoard red lipstick.
2. I have two adopted adult children who I met in cyberspace.
3. I’m afraid of squirrels.
4. I hate my next door neighbor, Alec.
5. There’s no such thing as too much coffee.
6. I’m blind without contact lenses (and with them, at this point)
7. I once got married in Tijuana, using fake ID.
8. I love “Free Bird.”
9. I am relentless in arguments about word usage.
10. No one will tolerate my singing.
11. I’m planning to launch the Crazy Mothers Club (CMC) for the daughters of crazy mothers, after Nov. 4.*

* Sign-ups on November 6

And Too, Palin’s Fashion IQ is Also Zero

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

What, the RNC spent $150,000 on Mrs. P’s wardrobe?!?!?!

How can you spend that much money and still look like trailor trash?! Most of it was spent at Saks and Neiman Marcus, but all I can see are a bunch of tight black skirts, fitted jackets and cheap looking boots.   She definitely has her own style, which might be described as Small Town PTA Lady, or Middle Aged Beauty Queen.   Why can’t she look at some photos of Jackie Kennedy? Her awful fashion sense makes you forgive Hillary Clinton for her pantsuits. At least she didn’t rely on her sluttiness to distract people from what came out of her mouth.

Today, Mrs. P insisted for at least the forth time that the Vice President “is in charge of the United States Senate Senate.” Also too, if I am so privileged to keep typing, she swindled Alaska by spending $21,000 to fly her daughters around on government business, taking them to events where they weren’t invited and clearly had no function to perform.

Mrs. Palin, no no no no no! We don’t want any more of you!

No top lip, no fashion sense, no brains, no ethics, no shame, no nothing. Give Trig to Jan, let Bristol finish high school, get Track in rehab, send Willow to a family in Nigeria where she can experience maternal love, and sell Piper to the Gypsies while she’s still cute.

Ma haine dure.

*UPDATE: Watch Palin in the new extended Swimsuit Competition video! UGH!

Keep on Talking, You Stupid Bitch!

Monday, October 20th, 2008

Nothing relieves the tension and agony of this election like a good laugh, and you can get your fill by watching these excerpts of an interview Mrs. P gave to some Christian Broadcasting guy. She probably thinks that only her fan-base will be listening to this bullshit but no ma’am, we at PAP Smear are here to share the joy.

Here, you can watch Mrs. P proclaim that she stands by the ‘terrorist’ crap she lobbed at Obama. Watch her hand movements. She’s either a hula dancer or it’s a secret code to The Faithful.

Here, she explains why she couldn’t didn’t answer Katie Couric’s question about newspapers. It is so full of shit, so boldly false and brazenly self-serving, you will want to smash her in the face.

Now I know I sound enraged and resentful, but guess what? It’s a disorder called Palin Derangment Syndrome, according to this essay. Elsewhere, I read that Jewish women are more likely to resent Mrs. than any other group. Why, I have no idea. I do know that Sandra Bernhard got in trouble for calling her a “Goy Whore.” I wish I’d thought of that first, but I’m a non-observant Jew so my mind forgets to go in that direction.

I know I’m fixated on this awful woman for reasons both rational and unconscious but I’m going with it in the fervent hope that it will be over on November 5th. Meanwhile, imagine getting a robocall from Sarah Palin….or listen to a real one!

Also too, as she herself would say, being a person who must connect everything with “Also too,” her official website as Governor of Alaska is absolutely hilarious. There’s a page about “The First Gentleman,” which now sounds stupider than the First Dude, given what we know about this dope.

My personal favorite is this letter to Trig. (It’s long, but full of Palinesque craziness.)

Dear Trig, Trig Paxson Van Palin. What a terrific name! Trig, we in Alaska are so proud to have you in our Alaskan family. I look forward to seeing you grow into a fine young man. You are definitely blessed to be born into a family that has lots of love to give to you, your sisters, and brother. I don’t know your mom and dad personally, although I have gotten a couple of photos with your mom and have talked casually with your dad. They wouldn’t know me from Adam (or should I say Eve). Because your mom and dad are in the spotlight, we Alaskans feel we know them‚ and are proud of what we see. And‚ because of that, we had the pleasure of knowing when you were born. Even though your mom is Governor, I see she’s a regular person. I was getting out of my car in Wasilla, and who should get out of the car next to me? Your mom. And do you know what she was doing? Picking up her own cleaning from the dry cleaners. Now, how many governors would do that? She’s a person that’s very smart, but still is a regular person. I’m sure you already know how much your mom and dad love you. I’m also sure you know how important your sisters and brother are and that they love you also. That love is what’s going to make your life a good life. Trig, the most important thing I see in your life is that your mom and dad know the Lord, Jesus personally. How wonderful for you to be born into a Christian family! I hope and pray that as you get older, you will follow in your parents’ footsteps and find the Lord, Jesus as your best friend. Take care, Trig! It’s been nice talking to you! Very sincerely–Jan, Wasilla

Jan, not to freak you out or anything, but Mrs. Palin is refusing to make her medical records public. Maybe you should take it up with the Lord.   Very sincerely, Sister Wolf.

Thank You, Patti

Saturday, October 18th, 2008

Tonight I went to see my Living Idol, Patti Smith, and as always it was a transcendent experience.

To top it off, I came upon this kindred spirit, who was nice enough to pose with me.   My nephew was wearing his official PAP Smear T-shirt, too!

Doesn’t the cunt-guy look familiar?? We feel we’ve seen him somewhere. Cunt-guy, if you read this, report to PAP Smear headquarters immediately.