Keep on Talking, You Stupid Bitch!

Nothing relieves the tension and agony of this election like a good laugh, and you can get your fill by watching these excerpts of an interview Mrs. P gave to some Christian Broadcasting guy. She probably thinks that only her fan-base will be listening to this bullshit but no ma’am, we at PAP Smear are here to share the joy.

Here, you can watch Mrs. P proclaim that she stands by the ‘terrorist’ crap she lobbed at Obama. Watch her hand movements. She’s either a hula dancer or it’s a secret code to The Faithful.

Here, she explains why she couldn’t didn’t answer Katie Couric’s question about newspapers. It is so full of shit, so boldly false and brazenly self-serving, you will want to smash her in the face.

Now I know I sound enraged and resentful, but guess what? It’s a disorder called Palin Derangment Syndrome, according to this essay. Elsewhere, I read that Jewish women are more likely to resent Mrs. than any other group. Why, I have no idea. I do know that Sandra Bernhard got in trouble for calling her a “Goy Whore.” I wish I’d thought of that first, but I’m a non-observant Jew so my mind forgets to go in that direction.

I know I’m fixated on this awful woman for reasons both rational and unconscious but I’m going with it in the fervent hope that it will be over on November 5th. Meanwhile, imagine getting a robocall from Sarah Palin….or listen to a real one!

Also too, as she herself would say, being a person who must connect everything with “Also too,” her official website as Governor of Alaska is absolutely hilarious. There’s a page about “The First Gentleman,” which now sounds stupider than the First Dude, given what we know about this dope.

My personal favorite is this letter to Trig. (It’s long, but full of Palinesque craziness.)

Dear Trig, Trig Paxson Van Palin. What a terrific name! Trig, we in Alaska are so proud to have you in our Alaskan family. I look forward to seeing you grow into a fine young man. You are definitely blessed to be born into a family that has lots of love to give to you, your sisters, and brother. I don’t know your mom and dad personally, although I have gotten a couple of photos with your mom and have talked casually with your dad. They wouldn’t know me from Adam (or should I say Eve). Because your mom and dad are in the spotlight, we Alaskans feel we know them‚ and are proud of what we see. And‚ because of that, we had the pleasure of knowing when you were born. Even though your mom is Governor, I see she’s a regular person. I was getting out of my car in Wasilla, and who should get out of the car next to me? Your mom. And do you know what she was doing? Picking up her own cleaning from the dry cleaners. Now, how many governors would do that? She’s a person that’s very smart, but still is a regular person. I’m sure you already know how much your mom and dad love you. I’m also sure you know how important your sisters and brother are and that they love you also. That love is what’s going to make your life a good life. Trig, the most important thing I see in your life is that your mom and dad know the Lord, Jesus personally. How wonderful for you to be born into a Christian family! I hope and pray that as you get older, you will follow in your parents’ footsteps and find the Lord, Jesus as your best friend. Take care, Trig! It’s been nice talking to you! Very sincerely–Jan, Wasilla

Jan, not to freak you out or anything, but Mrs. Palin is refusing to make her medical records public. Maybe you should take it up with the Lord.   Very sincerely, Sister Wolf.

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14 Responses to “Keep on Talking, You Stupid Bitch!”

  1. skye Says:

    Trig Paxson Van Palin – that poor kid. Maybe we could persuade Jan to steal him – I’m just betting that our beloved Governor is the type to leave the kid in the car with the keys in the ignition while she goes in to pay for the petrol. Jan is crazy, but I still think she’d make a better pseudo mom for Trig!

  2. Make Do & Mend Says:

    Worse – she keeps trying to leave him at the dry cleaners. But Jan keeps picking him up for her and handing him back saying how lucky he is to be loved by such a down to earth mum. SP smiles that grimace of hers and nods because she can’t take out Jan right now, she’s working on it!

  3. Juri Says:

    Her pregnancy with the immaculately conceived Trig was an out-of-body pregnancy. As Palin was too busy picking up her own laundry and getting people fired, Bristol had to carry her mothers child even though she was still a virgin.

    Here’s an excerpt from the journal. It came to me through a vision:

    And it came to happen in the great state of Alaska that the First Bully af Wasilla knew his wife, the Hockey Mom, and their teenage daughter got pregnant. “How can this be”, asked the daughter, “for I have never known a man. I have, only, like, totally made out a few hundred times and given like a bunch of handjobs and blowjobs, or whatever. Even if I had known some men I’d been way too wasted to remember. And you can’t get pregnant when you’re wasted, right?”

    This same Bristol later copulated with her boyfriend, and got pregnant again. Behold, it was yet another sign to prove the good people of America that this is surely a blessed family.

  4. hammie Says:

    Hey Sarah, Try leaving him in the creche in Ikea, that always worked for me; (well until the dour swedish creche manager had me paged to collect my child for the crime of coloring outside the lines or something)

    Sis, she is starting to grow on my, as a purely comic figure. It is just a pity that she is real.
    xx

  5. Nick McGivney Says:

    Van Palin? Van Palin!! Who writes this stuff? Anyway, I’m curious about a rumour going around about Kurt Russell (It was NOT started by me much.)
    It seems that ole Snake Plissken hasn’t been seen by anyone since Social Pariah was nominated for veep. Now I’m not saying that Serious Problem is Mr Goldie Hawn, but examine, if you will, the evidence:

    That tight manjaw.

    The penis.

    That intense distrust of anyplace built up with more than five or maybe six concrete structures (naval slash military compounds excepted).

    The intense love affair with shootey things, the longer the better.

    Kurt Russell is married to a doe-eyed, fluffy thing. So is Sworn Patriot.

    Kurt Russell raised Kate Hudson, but is not her father. Salivates Petroleum is raising Trig, but is not his father.

    Apart from 1998’s Soldier, Kurt has had long but easily managed hair. Ditto Slippery People.

    K. I’m fatigued now. But I think I’ve demonstrated how there’s a case to answer here. Where the hell is Kurt Russell?

  6. Nick McGivney Says:

    Light entertainment

    John Cleese: ‘I used to think that Michael Palin was the funniest Palin I knew.’

    http://www.cleeseblog.com/

  7. Imelda Matt Says:

    The only friend Trig will need is after this fucking circus is juicy hit of heroin!

  8. enc Says:

    Uh, I thought candidates of this level were obligated to release their medical records.

    I say she’s hiding something if she won’t release hers.

  9. OMGGMAB Says:

    Yeah, hiding the fact that she really is not 6 mos. post partum!

    Speaking of having babies, has anyone seen any recent photos of Bristol? Seems she’s gone to the Alaskan underground. Waiting for the pre-election news that her mommy dearest is going to spring on the nation to try and gain the voters’ sympathy.

  10. Iheartfashion Says:

    I’m definitely suffering from PDS. I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate a politician as much as Bush/Cheney, but McCain/Palin make them seem almost sweet.
    As for the whole “palling around with terrorists” thing, thank God most people aren’t buying it. If we’re going to examine everyone a candidate associates with, how about G. Gordon Liddy’s fundraiser for McCain?
    And how many people are aware of the fact that McCain tried to hang himself while a POW? Not to mention the 4 melanomas and his 36% chance of surviving the next 2 years because of it.

  11. Mark Says:

    Dear Trig, Sorry about your stupid name. Everyone else in your family has one, so suck it up. Trig is something that high school students take after algebra. No one in your family has ever taken trig, not even your ‘mother’ who went to five different colleges before she realized she couldn’t escape her reputation as a rancid twat and went back to her original college. Your ‘father’ Todd surely hasn’t taken trig. Your ‘brother’ Track? No way. He’s what’s known as a ‘redneck tweaker.’ That means that instead of going to school and studying, he was mixing up crystal and shooting shit with one of your ‘mother’s’ guns. He’ll be dead by the time you can sort of read this, anyway. The CIA is killing him this week or next so your ‘mother’ can garner votes points and play the American Freedom Martyr role. Your sister ‘Bristol’ should be in trig now, but she’s pregnant for the second time. I don’t have much hope for your other ‘sisters’ ever taking trig because your mother thinks people who take trig are elitists. You’re probably wondering why the family terms are in quotation marks. Actually, no; you’re probably not wondering that because you have Downs. Sorry about that. The reason for the quotation marks and for your Downs is the same: Your father is your brother and your mother is your sister-or, your father is your father but your mother is your sister. I know it’s confusing. It’s confusing to everyone, even those of us without Downs. But just remember this: your family is full of love, and sometimes certain members of your family were so full of love that they crossed scary boundaries. Love boundaries. So while your ‘mother’ Sarah was off banning books, shooting moose, and running for Vice President on a campaign of hateful lies, your ‘father’ Todd had to look for somewhere to put his love. He chose to put it in your ‘sister’ Bristol. Funny thing is, your ‘brother’ Track also put his love inside your ‘sister’ Bristol.’ We’re not sure who your biological daddy is! It doesn’t matter, though, Trig, because you’re part of a wonderful Alaskan Christian family whose love knows no bounds.
    Best Wishes,
    Some Stupid Cunt from Alaska

  12. OMGGMAB Says:

    What we need to do is to rescue poor Trig from his heinous family. Let PAP Smear adopt him!! We’ll all pitch in with clothes, money, bus passes, books, and of course, snow shows. How patriotic and loving a family are we!

    Oh, wait, that is totally socialist to think of others, use our own resources to benefit another who will never be able to care for himself fully. Oh just forget it. I am so Obama-ed that I forgot that “McCain – Palin bill” that states “every U.S. woman, man and child for themselves NO MATTER WHAT” And let’s not forget the addendum, “Good luck with that, Americans.”

    Oh Barack it all! I so wish most US voters weren’t such dumb shits that they voted for Grandpa and Church Lady. But here we are, in a hell even Saddam Hussein could only have imagined in his wild evil dreams! Where have all the cities gone? Back to their roots, young one! Because, don’t ya know, only the small towns matter now – they are the heart of this great country! For damn sake, we feed this nation! God bless John Deere!

    Oh, back to our roots, you’ve taken us Johnnie! The Native Americans thank you for giving them back the land we stole so they can teach all of us how to live off of it. And the cities? Well, you can read about them in any US History book, but they pretty much disappeared around January 2009.

    And Barack Obama? He was a brilliant man with stupendous ideas for making the great United States a seed in world peace, sustenance, lack of hunger, and environmental responsibility. But, he was voted down for the all important capitalism, the maintenance of greed, the continued use of all the earth for one’s selfish purposes and finally, to perpetuate Mattel in making and marketing Caribou Barbie (NOW with special automatic rifle and prop wing plane!)

    Is this the future you want? If not, GET OUT AND VOTE! SAY NO TO MCPALIN! SAY NO TO ANY MORE SNL PARODY (please, I may vomit now!) SAY NO TO A FUTURE THAT IS WHITE BREAD, RACIST, CHRISTIAN, AND PATRIARCHICAL!

    Thank you for the soap box my PAP Smear friends!

  13. Sonja Says:

    gotta ask – anyone see the bit on Jon Stewart where the current Mayor of Wassila, Alaska was asked if the position readied a person to serve as VP? She answers Absolutely, then was asked exactly what her job entails… Mondays they have a staff meeting, ummmnn, Thursday is cheque singing day…. A bit like a community organizer except she has REAL responsibilities. Ahahaha!

  14. Sister Wolf Says:

    People, this is some top-notch PAP Smearing! I love it!

    Skye – You’re right, Trig should go live with Jan.
    Make do – YES!
    Juri – Jesus is speaking through you, I feel His presence!!!
    Hammie – Ikea, yes, yes yes!
    Nick – You are another genius, thank god we have you on our side.
    Imelda Matt – Trig is going to live with Wasilla Jan.
    Enc- I can’t fucking wait to see those records.
    Iheartfashion – Welcome, PDS’er. I feel your pain.
    Mark – This almost made me cry.
    OMBGMAB – Amen!
    Sonja – Yep, and I enjoyed his ‘Fuck You!’ as well.

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