Jesus loves Gay Marriage

I am happy to announce PAP Smear’s new adoption program. We will start off with Mark’s generous offer to adopt WIllow and Piper Palin. This is a true blessing for these girls, who will be raised in Connecticut by two loving, educated fathers who will provide them with the New York Times, trips to museums and foreign movies, and an opportunity to attend a nice private college.

Cker will be adopting Trig, and not a moment too soon. She will rid him of the cruel name and begin early intervention so that he learns to walk instead of facing a life of being passed around family members like a gravy boat. I know he will flourish with Cker and her family!

I personally have adopted annemarie, since she was so obviously born to the wrong mother (i.e. not me.)   If Track survives the secret CIA plot on his life and agrees to six months in rehab, I think he will make a nice adoptee for someone with patience and a firm hand.

Moving on to other issues, I’m sure you’re all as enraged as I am about Prop. 8 in California, which forbids gay couples the right to marry. I’ve just watched some morons yelling about it on TV. The Christian homophobes who defend this attempt to curtail civil rights have no logical or legitimate argument other than this: Marriage is already a shaky institution.

So what?! Maybe if gay couples start marrying, marriage will be more popular. Maybe there will be less divorce, since many gay couples have had the time to think long and hard about taking those vows seriously.

Gay marriage doesn’t threaten marriage as an institution but rather increases its  ongoing relevance  as a way to live, and a way to commit to loving relationships. The only reason to take offense is if one feels personally threatened by gayness, in which case that’s a problem for a psychologist to help with.

Let’s let everyone do what they want in their private life. If you absolutely insist on invoking the bible, start with: Love thy neighbor as yourself. Of course, this doesn’t work with my particular neighbors, but you know what it means.

If you wish to apply for an adoption, please submit your application here. Same-sex couples welcome.

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20 Responses to “Jesus loves Gay Marriage”

  1. Honeypants Says:

    I will adopt any animal Palin aims her rifle at, just before she pulls the trigger. I’ll need more land, so maybe I’ll also adopt some of that bridge money she took and never used, as well as some land in ANWR, preferably the land she was hoping to use for drilling purposes. That way the animals don’t have to adapt to the climate shock that is New Orleans.

    As for Prop 8, it’s really so hard to believe that people continue to be so uptight and close-minded. Obviously it’s because they feel personally threatened by gayness, as you put it. It irritates me to no end when I see straight guys get all nervous because there’s a gay guy in the room. Like gay guys are vampires or something. It is their unstoppable nature to sodomize every straight guy they come into contact with. Seriously, people need help. A coworker went to CA to get married to her partner of 20 years on November 2. Sadly, her marriage was only legal for 2 days, but I’m told it was fun while it lasted. How sad.

  2. Make Do Style Says:

    I love the ongoing relevance sentance so sums it all up neatly. You know let everyone get one with it. Mind you we had lots of gay divorces in the UK already, the solicitors are happy!

  3. Juri Says:

    OMG that Jay Leno is so funny! I can easily spot him (on the right) and Perez Hilton (in the middle) on that drag-queens-for-Jesus album cover. They are so cute! But who is that guy on the left? I think he played ‘Spence’ in ‘The King of Queens’ but I may be wrong. At first I wasn’t sure about Jay Leno either, as he looks quite a bit like Dame Edna there, but the glasses gave him away. Dame Edna would never wear a pair with black frames.

    Oh, and I can be the one to adopt Track Palin and put him back on track (hahaha) but the name must go if he wants to stay under my roof. And there will be no hockey!

    First I’ll teach him how to stand up to a pair of fucked up parents as step one in claiming his own life. Then I’ll rehabilitate him in the same way they rehabilitate former child soldiers in Africa. I’d quess Track volunteered to go to Iraq just as much as a Ugandan village kid volunteered to join the Lord’s Resistance Army. I don’t think he is beyond help yet but we must act fast.

  4. Nick McGivney Says:

    Matthew Broderick on the left. He’s got sandwiches hidden in his hair for SJP.

  5. Sister Wolf Says:

    HAHAHAHAHA!

  6. enc Says:

    I love this. My favorite ever.

  7. enc Says:

    I don’t dare adopt, I’ve got my hands full now.

  8. sleepy Says:

    Is the one on the right Alec Guiness? Pre light sabre obviously!

    I’d volunteer to adopt if I wasn’t so attached to my Big Gay Life, but I am!

  9. OMGGMAB Says:

    Well, I am going to adopt Bristol while time still exists for her to remain single. Imagine her life married to the big dumb hockey freak. PARTAYYYY every weekend! Not!

    One great thing about having her come to live in the lower 48 is that she will learn that drug stores here do sell contraceptives and guess what, she can buy them! Oh the fun we will have picking out cute little compacts in which to store her pills.

    Even better, I would contact cker, so Bristol would be able to visit little “Mark.” In time, she might actually finish high school, go to college, and be able to provide a nice little home for her son. Ah, such lofty goals, but to a greater end!

  10. Sister Wolf Says:

    OMGGMAB, this is very noble indeed. Little Marky should be with his mom. And don’t worry about Levi; he’s probably long gone already, now that Mrs. P has lost her evil power.

  11. Susan Says:

    Listening to your radio chat. Nice job.

    When are you getting your own online video chat thing? Vlog or Podcast or sumthin’. We could log on with you and all get mad as hell together.

  12. annemarie Says:

    The anti-gay thing is just beyond the beyond. I don’t get it at all. The anti-abortion thing I MIGHT get– I could make that jump in my head and imagine what it might be like to really believe in the sanctity of life and all that. But the anti-gay thing is just a head-fuck. It’s creepy is what it is.

  13. HelOnWheels Says:

    Maybe gay couples should refuse to pay state and federal taxes. Is this not taxation without representation? And domestic partnerships are just another chapter in the joke that is the so-called “separate but equal” classification. I get so enraged that I can only speak in obscenities.

    I think my sister can take Track and rehabilitate him. He could use a set of caring, loving, intelligent, nurturing parents. He would thrive. My nephew would love to have an older brother to whom he can teach things like reading, math, history and with whom he can play hockey.

  14. annemarie Says:

    I don’t quite understand the Prop 8 debacle though I have heard that the Mormons are to blame and I am willing to go along with that theory. But I am, by nature, an optimist and I am convinced these assholes are becoming more and more irrelevant.

    They can’t spend the next four years looking at pictures of Rahm Emanuel whispering in Barack Obama’s ear (HOT!) and continue to deny their man-love. It’s just not possible.

  15. annemarie Says:

    And as for the title “Jesus Loves Gay Marriage”– that is SO TRUE Mommy!

    As anyone who has seen Pasolini’s The Gospel according to St Matthew will know, those twelve disciples were so fucking hot.

    And then their the “absent father” thing and his intense love for his mother– Jesus was, like, soooo gay. I can’t believe I’m only realizing this now.

    All those new Evangelical religions that broke away from the Holy Church of Rome– clearly they were running away from the Catholic Camp. They banned pictures and stained glass and iconography and, worst of all, the sacrament of CONFESSION, which is totally super-shitty because that means NO MORE SIN– Booooooo!

    These religions have nothing to offer anyone except a place to feed off their own self-hatred.

  16. Bex Says:

    Huh, California, of all places!!

  17. cker Says:

    annemarie religions give the faithful a reason for their insanity. The faithful are sheep – sheeple who don’t have an original thought or idea and will blindly follow what they are told to do. Power, control, and greed are what drive religions. Hey, wait I thought that was what drove the GOP! Hmmm, they must all be insane!

    I can’t figure out how people can be so paranoid about gay marriage. I just don’t get it. This is intolerance at its finest.

    Love the pic of Barack and Rahm! VERRRY nice!

    I can’t wait to see baby Mark! I would be happy to unite Bristol with Mark. Mark should know his sister/Mommy.

  18. fashion herald Says:

    i love how the religious “heteros” guard their marriage rights so hysterically. why are they so threatened?
    and i’d snatch up Trig in a heartbeat, but guess i’m late to the party again.

  19. Sister Wolf Says:

    Susan -thanks! How can we get this going, you’re the genius?!

    HelOnWheels – your sister rules! Great place for Track!

    annemarie – thank goodness for your Catholic training.

    cker- you’re the best! I will buy Marky a little jumpsuit like Elvis.

    fashion herald – I wish I knew! Do they think ‘marriage’ is a limited resource?? Sorry you missed out on Trig. Maybe you can talk Mark into giving you Piper.

  20. Iheartfashion Says:

    As a Christian, but decidedly NOT of the rabid right wing variety, I can’t understand all the brouhaha about gay marriage. In my experience, gays are more likely than straight people to stay married, having endured so much just to get there. Any 18 year old can have a drunken, middle-of-the-night wedding in Vegas to someone they just met, so how is marriage “sacred” now? Personally, my hetero marriage isn’t the least bit threatened by my gay friends marrying (or adopting children). I just don’t get it!
    As the bumper sticker says, “Focus on your own damn family!”

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