Britain’s Literary Review has announced the winner of its annual Bad Sex in Literature award. Rachel Johnson won for a passage in her satirical novel “Shire Hell,” and John Updike won a Lifetime Achievement award for his many contributions over the years.
I think this is a great idea, although I’m not sure how it works. Do the judges hunt for bad sex passages all year long or do people send in nominations, or what?
Although Ms. Johnson was commended for using the “worst metaphors” in a group of “equally awful entries,” a couple of the other candidates are impressive enough to deserve attention.
Here is a bit from “To Love, Honor and Betray” by Kathy Lette.
His towel fell away. Sebastian’s erect member was so big I mistook it for some sort of monument in the centre of a town.
Hahaha! Great, isn’t it? Here’s a passage from “Triptych of a Young Wolf” by Ann Allestree:
‘You are so moist down there.’ He stroked and probed her with two fingers as she felt her blood waken. He raised himself to his knees and bent to roll his tongue around her weeping orifice. He was bringing her to a pitch of ecstasy when she heard Madame Veuve, on the landing, put down the supper tray. Whiffs of onion soup strayed over them as he engulfed her.
It really is an art.
Let’s have a contest for the Godammit Bad Sex in Blog Comments Award. I haven’t thought out the prize yet, but it will be GOOD. I promise.
No filthy language, please. Anyone can write porn; this is about creative writing and the lofty heights that language can achieve.
If you read some of the excerpts from this year’s selections, you are bound to feel inspired. Here’s my extemporaneous attempt:
He unzipped his skin-tight Levis and extracted all twelve inches of his throbbing member, which ached for the heavenly cavern she had hidden between her creamy waxed thighs. “Ow!” she screamed wildly, thrashing like a horse giving birth to twin foals.
Okay, so something like that, only a thousand times better. Ready, get set, go!