Godammit, I’m Mad!

The Crazy Russian Lady has been busy on her blog lately and while she continues to offend me, it would be wrong to link to her; she would only brag about her new readers. And yet her comment following the news of a neo-Nazi plot against Obama managed to compare it to the Reichstag Fire. (!!!) She is koo koo for cocoa puffs, as I’ve said before, and a mean one, too.

So I’ve decided to copy some of her posts at my, ahem, Tribute Site. That way you can share the hatred without giving her any pleasure. In any case, if you take issue with her at her blog, she will delete your comments and/or “blacklist” you. (Hi, Crazy, I know you’re reading this!)

Earlier today, I was reminded of a person who became my nemesis on eBay. I used to collect Victorian tiger claws, and I know this might be horrifying but there it is: I collected them. I got my first one at a flea market in London and I didn’t know what it was but I loved the engraved gold setting and I wore it on a chain.

When I first discovered eBay, I looked for tiger claws and found there were often five or six every week, usually offered by someone in the UK. I managed to buy a beautiful brooch. Then I realized that nearly every tiger claw was won by the same bidder, whose handle was “shellyel.”  I grew to hate that greedy shellyel, and I wondered what her deal was. I wanted to email her and say “Will you ever have enough tiger claws, you fucking bitch?!” I had to face the fact that whoever she was, she had cornered the entire world market for Victorian tiger claws. It seemed so unfair! Where did she get all that money? Each piece sold for around $150, or up to $300 if it was set with a precious stone or something.

One day, long after I stopped looking at eBay, I was in a boutique with my BFF when I saw a bigass tiger claw hung from a raw leather cord. It was in a glass case. A sales person saw me looking at it and said, “This is by one of our new designers, Shelly Litvak. Isn’t it cool?”

I screamed “IT’S SHELLY!” loud enough to scare my BFF. The price was $3,000. Shelly was pretty smart, some would say. In my world, she’s a fucking, fucking cunt. How can collectors collect stuff when there are wealthy Shellys around?

You can buy her absurdly overpriced necklaces here or you can also look out for her crappy suede handbags that are priced at around a billion dollars.

In case Shelly googles herself and finds this post, Look, Shelly! I have a big double tiger claw necklace with 22k gold thingies, and you can’t have it!

Two new collections of essays by George Orwell are as relevant today as when he wrote them. In Orwell’s “Politics and the English Language” (1946) he connects degraded language with the decline of contemporary culture and political thought. He also says this:

“All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred, and schizophrenia.”

Keeping that in mind, an important essay by Mark Lilla in the Wall Street Journal outlines the history of “Populist Chic”  and what it means for the conservative intellectual tradition. He describes how a disdain for liberal intellectuals slipped into “a disdain for the educated class as a whole.”  He laments that the result of this movement was the promotion “of a candidate like Sarah Palin, whose ignorance, provinciality and populist demagoguery represent everything older conservative thinkers once stood against.”

On the same track is an op-ed in the New York Times today called “Obama and the War on Brains.” Nicholas Kristof reminds us that the second most remarkable thing about Obama’s election “is that American voters have just picked a president who is an open, out-of-the-closet, practicing intellectual.”

Yeah, baby! That’s what I’m talking about. Let’s make stupidity a sin instead of celebrating it. Eight years of W have been more than enough. People who don’t read newspapers and scoff at science should know enough to be ashamed of themselves.

We need to raise the tone! We need to insist that people think and read and be proud of their vocabularies instead of being afraid to sound elitist. America is the only country I know of where “real people” means simpletons. We need to respect intellectuals instead of regarding them as suspect.

Today my friend Mark was visiting from Connecticut and he tried to describe how his hatred of Sarah Palin wasn’t just partisan but personal. That’s the issue that has set many of us apart from other Democrats and liberals: We fucking hate her and we still do! I think that above all, it’s the proud stupidity that she wears like a crown. Today in an interview at her home, while cooking up some moose, she said this:

“Regarding information regarding my record, that its now out there much of it that was based on misinformation was a very, very frustrating thing to have to go through when the record was never corrected.”

Huh? Say again, in English?

Asked to be specific about the misinformation, she said…..

“Some of the goofy things like who was Trig’s mom. Well, I’m Trig’s mom (raises her hand) and do you want to see my medical records to prove that?”

Hahahahaha! YES, YOU MORON, we do!  Until she does, I guess I’m doomed to keep hating her and writing about it.  Just not all the time.

Shit. I need to move on, but how?!?!

I really think I was making progress getting over her until I read this quote:

“I want to be able to help also Americans to know that they can trust their media.”

WHAT IS THAT “ALSO” DOING THERE ?!?!?!?!?!?!?! It’s fucking maddening. Can’t someone sever her vocal cords?

Neiman Marcus is having a special two day sale, but it’s dead to me now, as Tony Soprano would say. I know that’s a good thing, but still. I’d like to hate Neiman Marcus on its own merits.

I do plan to write about fashion here, but only in a complaining way. I’m mad, remember? There are already enough fashion bloggers out there, but I still haven’t met anyone as mad as I am. Today I’m mad at my OTHER next door neighbor, who I’ll call Steven because that’s his name. Steven is divorcing his nice hard-working wife and he’s taking her to court to get spousal support, so he can keep flying to New York all the time, pretending he’s not gay.

Also too, I’m really really mad at that horrible crazy Russian Lady (who famously got all up in my grill) because get this: In her boring and pointless blog, she is comparing Obama’s forthcoming presidency to the reign of Josef Stalin. You heard me. Stalin. And yet, I can’t have her deported or sent to the cornfield!

Okay, that’s it for now. Any ideas on how to overcome my PDS, please advise! Or just go here and scream out loud.

Somehow over time, I have managed to sign up for updates at fifty thousand shopping sites. It takes me hours to sift through this shit daily, but I don’t have the will power to un-register from any of these lists.

Today I looked at Ron Herman, a swanky hipster boutique in Los Angeles that carries all the usual designer jeans, ugly terrorist scarves and  cropped leather jackets. Ugh. I scrolled down dutifully and saw this new ring by Vivienne Westwood. $875, and kind of nothing looking.

But I said to my self, Self, I bet that ring is much cheaper in the UK. I went over here to Hervia.com and Bingo! $328, using the currency converter!

How much would you want to kill yourself if you’d bought this ring at Ron Herman?!

I am the savviest shopper you’ll ever meet. When I watch Dexter (a GREAT series on Showtime,) I find my self thinking, Oh look, she’s wearing a James Perse shirt that costs $145 unless you find one of those online coupons. I think about this really quickly but often end up having to ask my husband what just happened. He stops the show using our magic Tivo-like thingy, and angrily explains what’s going on.

Anyway, I am full of shopping knowledge that is mostly useless but occasionally comes in handy. I have a personal relationship with every one of the Shopbop models, and I know where you can get those ugly Rats by Sass and Bide in a new PVC-look fabric.

If only I can stick with my new conviction that ordering shit online will never, ever lead to fulfillment. I have a shoe store under my bed to prove it, and stacks of jeans that I barely recognize. We’ll see if I’m capable of learning anything.

If you didn’t listen to my latest radio appearance, then you won’t know that I ended up talking about the Mexican celebration known as Day of the Dead. Here is a beautiful photo of me and my niece with a Blue Demon Guy, who gave me a piece of candy.

* Stay tuned for the Crazy Mother Club, coming soon.

To every right-wing asshole who has blighted our lives during this election: HAHA! WE WON!!

Haha! to Fox “News”

Haha! to Rush Limbaugh

Haha! to racists

Haha! to Todd and Sarah

Haha! to Karl Rove

Haha! to War Criminals Bush and Cheney

Feel free to add your own Haha.  I love my passionate commenters and I am grateful for all your support during this fight against stupidity, lies and bigotry.  If you want to here me rant again on Australian radio, go here and click on “Hair of the Blog 2/11.”

PAP Smear, congratulations and blessings be upon you! People DO have the power. If we can’t all get together for Obama’s inauguration, we can at least drink a toast to victory together.

Tomorrow, I plan to be mad about something else. What a fucking relief!

Citing her right to privacy, Gov. Sarah Palin refused to say who she voted for after emerging from her polling place in Wasilla, Alaska.

That’s right, she wouldn’t say she voted for her own presidential ticket. We assume she did, but she stood on principle and wouldn’t say. She did say the secret ballot is one of the “cool” things about the U.S.

Hahaha! She can’t tell the truth about anything. God, I almost love her.

Goodbye, you stupid bitch. Close the door behind you. Let’s let Honeypants have the last word, since she found this beautiful picture that encompasses the entire story of Mrs. P.

‘HA! That same liberal Jew co-worker just got back from knocking on doors all morning in Hollygrove (the neighborhood of NOLA where Lil Wayne is from), and he said some old black man was crying and said “I never thought I’d live to see the day when a young white man came knocking on my door to tell me to vote for the young black man.” ‘

It’s November 2, and Mrs. Palin has failed to produce her medical records.  “We’ll let you know when we have something to say,” Palin spokeswoman Maria Comella said on Thursday. On Saturday, Comella had no comment when asked about it by ABC reporter Kate Snow.

Here are the top five reasons mentioned by bloggers who wonder what the records are hiding:

1) She had a tubal ligation procedure after 4th child
2) She has only given birth to four children
3) She has had an abortion
4) She has had plastic surgery
5) She has had an STD

But wait! WHAT IF MRS. PALIN IS REALLY A MAN!

Think about it. Loves to hunt and kill animals. Dresses like a drag queen (sorry, drag queens, I’m talking about a really style-challenged white-trash drag queen!) No maternal instincts. No breastfeeding. Overly aggressive. Lives with a submissive hunk.

Godammit dot com, that bitch is a fucking man. No wonder she can’t release those records! And no wonder so many men feel inexplicably drawn to her…..

PAP Smear members, what do we think?

We are very near the end of a long, excruciating road. We’ve laughed and cried together. Soon, we’ll know whether some of us have to move to Canada or Iceland. We may never know the meaning of life, but we know without a doubt that Trig isn’t Mrs. P’s baby. And also too, we will never be able to think about Valentino without cringing a little.