Poor Jennifer Aniston!

Dear Jen,

I know you want some positive attention, and posing naked is always good for that. But here’s the problem, and I say it with all due respect: Your chin is the deal-breaker.

Your nose came out great, especially after the last tweaking. It’s verging on adorable, in fact. I bet you’re wondering why you didn’t get a cute nose way back in the day. You were probably thinking that your healthy girl-next-door look was attractive enough to allow for a less than perfect nose, and you were right, because look how rich you are! You must have a zillion dollars from Friends. Your nose wasn’t an issue back then, remember?

The Brad thing has really screwed you up, and I’m so sorry! I can’t imagine anything worse that seeing the hussy who stole your man on every magazine cover, leering at you with those huge enormous lips. I don’t know how you survived the public humiliation.

But you’re never going to be beautiful in the way you want to be! You’re a great girl with a great, toned body, and your hair always looks so nice. Why can’t that be enough? Your cute nose only highlights the chin situation. It’s something you could talk about with Reese Witherspoon if you weren’t in such denial!

Jen, I feel your pain. I wish Vince had stuck around and given you a baby, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Your thing with John Mayer does help to position you as a sexpot but realistically, that guy is just bad news. He’ll fuck anything that moves, and plus there’s that awful Guitar Face thing where he looks like he’s getting a tetanus shot….ugh, you know what I mean.

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I’m not a psychiatrist (even though I play one on TV, haha.) I do know that nudity is not the answer. You won’t get Brad back and it makes you seem a little desperate. Have you considered just minding your own business instead of going around trying to prove that you’re a hottie even though you’re no you-know-who?

If I were you, I’d spend my time spreading rumors that Brad is a lousy fuck and has herpes. Then I’d marry a hot young Latino and kick back, watching TV and ordering shoes from Saks while Angie has 50 more babies with stupid names and 50 more tattoos to mark her ownership. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about my uterus falling out!

Just trying to help,
xo Sister Wolf

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41 Responses to “Poor Jennifer Aniston!”

  1. hammie Says:

    What’s with the hands Sis? she looks like a Hamster. (not that there’s anything wrong with that)
    xx

  2. WendyB Says:

    If I had that body, I’d just walk around nude on the street all the time. Maybe I’d wear shoes. And a purse. But that’s it.

  3. David Duff Says:

    Thanks, ‘SW’, that started my morning with such a huge laugh I nearly fell off my chair.

  4. skye Says:

    Yes! Hammie is correct, those are hamster hands right there.

    The chin is… well, it’s substantial and it’s sort of rectangular – but isn’t that why she’s so popular and has a gazillion dollars and everything? Because the oddly proportioned masses take hope from her success, and are not threatened by her good body because of her excessive chinfulness etc.

    Dunno, always thought she was a bit boring, and no amount of nudity or ill-advised John Mayer fucking (gross) can solve that.

  5. Juri Says:

    “Is it just us or is Jennifer Aniston getting hotter?”

    Is it just me or is GQ making fun of her? That’s not a nice thing to do around Christmas.

    She should have held a plastic baby doll. That would have saved the picture.

  6. kellie Says:

    No one ever mentions her tiny little eyes.
    Or do they just LOOK small compared to the Jay Leno chin?
    And they keep using her in the fashion magazines as a STYLE chick.
    Since when are uggs and sweats the pinnacle of fashion???
    Of course she is stylish on the red carpet. That is the time someone ELSE dresses her…

  7. annemarie Says:

    Juri, that was pure wicked.

    I think she should have been shot with a rope around her neck.

  8. HelOnWheels Says:

    I think the photographer didn’t do a great job- terrible pose and I think she’s not lit well, making the chin that much bigger. I could be very wrong.

    Is there something jucier on the celebrity gossip front? I’m bored with the whole Brangelina-Aniston thing. Britney should go crazy again, that would liven things up.

  9. K-Line Says:

    This is hilarious Sister! And I’m with Hammie – the hands are sooooo distracting and strange. PS: Is it me or is she this side of unhealthily thin?

  10. annemarie Says:

    K-Line, I think she is too thin as well. But J. Aniston has always struck me as a bit starved looking. She looks like she is genetically predisposed to have at least 15 more pounds on her frame.

  11. annemarie Says:

    Right, I know this is my third comment on this post and for that I hang my head in shame. I know you can’t tell but I am actually a very busy person in real life.

    Fact is though, J. Aniston has been bothering me. I mean, it used to be hard not to like her. She never seemed anywhere near as annoying as other celebs.

    Now look at her. Brad Pitt left her FOUR YEARS AGO and she’s mouthing off about it. Four years is a long time, seriously. And all this “what Angelina did was very uncool” business– did she really think that there was zero chemistry between the two of them on-set? Duh! And now she’s taking her clothes off on the cover of mens magazines. It’s pathetic.

    Jennifer Aniston. I used to think you were ok. You’re dead to me now.

  12. Sal Says:

    Such sound advice. If only she’d take it.

  13. Miroslav Says:

    Is this all to ‘All American girl’ there is? Is so hot in America that no clothes worn in winter? Chelo? For this little girl I am empathise. Is just silly. No panties and smile just silly. Say I am naked and I am silly. School is out.

    Now more real woman please, Sister Lupa. Your Sophia Loren or your Patricia Neal from Hud, perhaps, that I see once in Kabul hotel in 1981. Real woman. I am liking it here until today and now is all this embarrassment for this one. Silly.

  14. Suebob Says:

    They photoshopped the crap out of that one. I would have had no idea that it was Jennifer A unless you said so.

    Say what you like about Brad but dang he made me laugh my ass off in “Burn After Reading.” I could watch him play that part all day long.

  15. Iheartfashion Says:

    I never found her particularly attractive, although she is incredibly fit. I don’t find the girl-next-door look interesting, and she definitely needs to stop talking about Brad and Angie. It reeks of desperation!
    I think if I had to choose I’d rather hang out at the chateau with Brangelina and the gang of kids.

  16. Danielle Says:

    Guitar face!! Hahaha…I’ve never understood his appeal. Yikes!

  17. john cramer Says:

    jelousy is a terrible thing.

  18. Sister Wolf Says:

    Hammie – I can’t believe I didn’t notice the hands!!!!!

    Wendy – But you do have the body! Go ahead, be my guest!

    David – My pleasure. Let me know if you do fall.

    Skye -Well said!

    Juri – Hahahahaha!

    Kellie – YES to everything.

    HelonWheels -Yep, they’re all letting us down. Damn Britney!

    K-Line -I’m sure they photoshopped her.

    annemarie -Hahaha! She’s always been dead to me!

    Sal- If only.

    Miroslav – I agree, Sophia Loren was woman.

    Suebob – I feel a little sorry for Brad. But I’ll rent the movie on your recommendation.

    Iheartfashion -Same here. I would even breast feed the twins, if they’d let me.

    Danielle – He’s a minger. I don’t get it, either.

    john cramer -oh fuck off. I’m not interested in your jealousy issues.

  19. Make Do Style Says:

    So well put, a very kind analysis. At the time I was team Aniston only ‘cos AJ is/was such a freak but now, yeap 4 years later – I’d pick a guy who was an accountant and chill out with brownies.

  20. Bex Says:

    She certainly has issues.

  21. Joey Says:

    The person who wrote this letter should burn in hell, and you people should be ashamed of yourselves. Are you really THAT jealous of her earnings that you want nothing less than to destroy her?!!!!! What has she ever done to you except entertain you? How can you see yourself as a good, kind, warm-hearted human beings when you’re writing such vicious things? Will you be proud of yourselves on your death-beds?

  22. Jonnie Says:

    To the idiot who said that she is really busy in life but Jennifer really bothers her. Did Jen break into your house, got into your bathroom while you were shitting on the toilet and stole your toilet paper? No? Then what’s up with the compulsive thinking about some celebrity and looking for imperfections and the constant, relentless picking? Obviously you don’t have a life!!!!

    You people are all disgusting!!! Is this your idea of contributing something good to the world? Pointing out imperfections and then you wonder why kids who read your shit want plastic surgeries at the age of 7, or become anorexic and die? Go volunteer for homes for the habitat or something. Get a life losers!!!!!!

  23. Juri Says:

    We didn’t ask her to pose as a naked hamster on the CQ cover. There are millions of imperfect people out there who are sensible enough as to not to do such desperate things. Anyone who chooses to do that pretty much brings the inevitable mockery on herself.

  24. Wordsmith Says:

    Geezus, what’s up with Jonnie?

    Ya gotta feel bad for poor Jen, ya know. And now she’s dead to annemarie. I don’t think she can take much more deadness, am.

    I’m thinking she really IS just a superficial little shit with little eyes, little hands, and some huge feets. Check out those thunkers.

  25. Sister Wolf Says:

    Joey and Jonnie, you have found THE WRONG BLOG!

    Juri- No, I dont remember asking her to pose naked with hamsters!

    wordsmith -Good eye! They are enormous!

  26. Jonnie Says:

    How many more people have to come here and say the same thing: “yeah man, I agree about the chin and the eyes” – before this blog becomes dead boring?
    I just don’t understand why are her face and fashion being criticized now that she is showing her perfect body. Jealousy perhaps?
    To me it is obvious that she has been over Brad Pitt (who ages very ugly BTW) long time ago. It is not her fault that the media talk about her EVERY time they mention Brangelina (totally retarded name). I am happy for her that she got rid of the dude that gets into a relationship with almost every co-star. Who needs a flake like that? Why do you think Angelina is trying to trap him adopting all those kids creating some freak-show fake family? Jen has a great body and she has it going on, whereas Brad is stuck with Miss control freak and trapped by all those kids she keeps adopting like a maniac. Damn right coming on to a married man was “un-cool”!!!!!

  27. Jonnie Says:

    …and since we are talking about facial proportions, Angelina with her huge lips and small blue eyes looks like a pig. Jen is waaaay prettier. I applaud her for not pulling the desperado thing by getting pregnant or adopting kids just to keep Mr. Flake.

  28. fashion herald Says:

    Joey? Joey Tribiani?
    I’m with annemarie, Jen needs to let this go, poor kid. First thing I thought when i saw these was jen is not a posing nude kind of girl. she got some bad advice. And i never got the john mayer appeal.

  29. Joey Says:

    The lack of understanding here for Jen is scary. The media throw this Brangelina duo in her face every day and people wonder why it’s hard for her to get over this.

    Why do people need to have control over who should get over what, and how fast? She’ll do what she needs to do to get over whatever, and she’ll do it at her own pace. It’s not up to you people to decide for her or to control that in her. Lay off a human being who obviously needs support from people and doesn’t need to be stoned to death for her chosen way of dealing with problems. No, posing like this wasn’t her best decision but we all make mistakes and we shouldn’t be crucified for them. Crucify child molesters and wife beaters and leave the girl alone, gees.

  30. Joey Says:

    S.W. said to john cramer -oh fuck off. I’m not interested in your jealousy issues.

    What a juvenile, bare-foot, garbage-eating,
    cousin-f_ _ _king, trailer trash reaction to a sensible observation!

  31. HelOnWheels Says:

    Oh, yay. SW has new commenters who hate your blog but can’t help reading AND commenting on it. Irony is funny.

  32. Sister Wolf Says:

    Yay is right!

    I love how Joey and Jonnie are the same person (same IP)! Right on, Joey and Jonnie!

  33. Joey Says:

    You love the wrong things and you hate the wrong things. You need help!

  34. Sister Wolf Says:

    Help me, Joey. Can Jonnie help too?

  35. Joey Says:

    So because you don’t have the resources to go after the pedofiles who use children in porn movies, you therefore invest your time & energy into trashing a prefectly nice, innocent human being with a fury of a psychopathic monster. But when challenged you fold like a road map, which means that you’re not just evil but you have a limited mind. This is the major drawback of democracy: asny moron can publish whatever their diseased mind dictates on the internet which misshapes the young generations.

  36. Anouk Says:

    To arms men (or i suppose that should be man, singular)! Protect the random celebrity who feels the need to be in the public eye but apparently does not warrant crticism, from the evils of the internet!!

    Who would have thought that people would be being saying mean things on the internet!? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO.

    SW you crack me up heartily although i’ve never commented before.. I have to say that jens pose immediately made me think of one that my cats pull regularly without any of the awkward nakedness and ambiguous back-lighting….

  37. Mark Says:

    To the conjoined twins Joey/Jonnie: SW loves the right things and hates the right things. Duh. That’s why she’s a cult leader and why we all follow her.

    That said, what an odd angle for that photo of JA. I think the wrong angle can make anyone’s chin look like Jay Leno’s. Let’s all say a little prayer that JA quits the plastic surgery while she’s ahead. The nose is perfection and the boobs are not over-the-top. I saw Meg Ryan’s lips the other day and nearly fell out of my chair.

  38. Sister Wolf Says:

    Joey, if only you were a real person! Then we could argue.

    Anouk – I KNOW! Being mean on the internet…christ!

    Mark – Really?? And remember, she doesn’t leave a tip! Just like Wesley Snipe doesn’t!

  39. Sonja Says:

    the girl should thank her lucky stars she’s not having 2 kids every year and stop trying to prove whatever the hell she’s trying to prove. Brad and Angelina have turned into a travelling freak show. I’d take her life over their’s anyday.

  40. Mark Says:

    She doesn’t leave a tip?

  41. Kelly Says:

    So if they photoshopped the hell out of this photo, why didn’t they help her chin? JA should fire her publicist. If Jay Leno really had balls, he’d have a field day with this photographic concoction.

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