Bristol Gets a New Baby

As you all know by now, Bristol Palin has “delivered” a healthy baby boy named Tripp. What you may not know is that I am a highly regarded journalist in my spare time, and here are the facts:

On December 23, a life-size Baby Jesus was stolen from the manger display at the Clover Pass Community Church in Ketchikan, Alaska. The hand-carved figurine had been chained to the church’s nativity scene, but “someone” managed to undo the chain.

DO THE MATH, PEOPLE!

As Bristol’s due date drew near, Mrs. Palin had to have Levi’s mom arrested in order to get the boy’s attention. He had been refusing to visit Bristol in her dungeon bedroom at the Palin compound in Wasilla. The drug bust succeeded in prompting young Levi to take a leave of absence from his meth lab job. He reluctantly stayed at Bristol’s side until Todd gave him the signal on December 23.

Todd and Levi managed to sneak the Baby Jesus into the Wasilla Hospital, while the nurses were busy counting bottles of Oxycontin and arguing about how to divide them fairly among the staff.

Bristol was rushed to the hospital by Piper, who is allowed to drive the snowmobile on special occasions.

It was easy to fool the doctor on duty, who was tweaking and texting madly on his Blackberry to Levi’s mom, unaware that she had changed her phone number at the advice of her attorney.

Thus, little Tripp was welcomed into the world, looking a little stiff but just as cute as his brother Trig, if not cuter.

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11 Responses to “Bristol Gets a New Baby”

  1. Skye Says:

    Tripp? Is there no end to the madness?!

    I hope your theory is correct and Tripp is but a purloined baby jesus, otherwise I feel for the poor child.

    PS. You will be pleased to know that due to the fact that Mrs Palin is yesterday’s news in the bottom of the budgie cage/wrapping fish and chips etc your post is the first i had heard of Bristol’s delivery. Here is Australia the Palins are gone, gone, gone!

  2. sleepy Says:

    Tripp?
    I just love those biblical names.

  3. Juri Says:

    YES! For a while I feared they would give this one a normal name, silly me, but the Palin’s never fail. I suppose the next one’s name will be Fix.

    There must be a big celebration at Levi’s Mom’s these days. Free oxys to all and maybe even some Russian heroin and beluga caviar for the closest friends. I hope the festivities won’t disturb her business too much.

  4. Make Do Style Says:

    Seriously I’m beyond gobsmacked at name, drugs story and the whole goddam lot. Super sleuthing Sister Wolf! I’m sure the summer wedding will never take place – do tell…

  5. Ann Says:

    AMAZING fact finding mission, Sister Wolf! Also too, the best part of this story is that Mrs P is a grandmother to two, now.

    However, at the risk of latching onto one of the smaller points of your piece, I must insist that you tell your audience WHY the Baby Jesus had to be chained to the nativity scene…because of ruffians like YOU who insist on stealing them!

    I love you!

  6. OMGGMAB Says:

    Come now everyone! How obvious is it that the name Tripp is as close to Trigg as you can get? I’ll just bet that the first baby picture of Tripp shows him looking like a 9 month old rather than a newborn. And did Doc Baldwin “deliver” this mystery baby too? I buy this story about as much as the one that Sarah had a baby in April.

  7. HelOnWheels Says:

    How cute is it that the Palins name their male children after their favorite activities!

    SW, as soon as I heard about the blessed birth of Tripp I waited for your post. And you didn’t disappoint.

  8. Danielle Says:

    TRIPP PALIN. TRIPP…PALIN.

    And the world rejoices?

    Or something like that.

  9. Bex Says:

    Hahahah what a fucked up family… I feel better at family gatherings now.

  10. Iheartfashion Says:

    Your theory makes a lot of sense Sister Wolf.

  11. cker Says:

    Hmmm, Trig, Tripp. The names sound so alike! I would take bets that nobody sees a picture of the very stiff baby Trip for a few months. Why, you ask? Nobody has seen newborn pics of Trig. How easy would it be to use those pics and say they are the pics of the fictitious Trip? Second theory is that this is Bristol’s second pregnancy and there really are two small boys in Alaska with the names of Trig and Tripp. Poor babies! I want to adopt both those boys! There are already inconsistencies surrounding the details of Tripp’s birth. Nobody has ever confirmed the birth and no hospital is claiming the blessed event occurred in their facility. Interesting isn’t it? So, the saga continues….

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