Godammit, I’m Mad!

As you all know, Rachel Zoe is claiming to have trademarked the words “I die” and “bananas,” in order to stop some t-shirt designer from making money off her. It’s okay with me, since I usually use the word banana as a singular noun. And I like to say “why can’t I just die?” rather than Rachel’s two word exclamation.

However, I’d like to announce that from now on, the expression What a Fucking Cunt™ is my trademark and may only be used accordingly. Just last night, I used the expression to describe Nick Harcourt, a guy who is probably not on your radar but is still a cunt nonetheless.

Did anyone get a little creeped out by my use of the word “radar” just now? I know it bothered me but I used it anyway. I am extremely sensitive to words and word usage, and luckily there is a German word for this trait, sprachgefühl. It’s one of my favorite words, like neurasthenia.

Lately, I’ve been annoyed by the word “epic” used to describe fashion, as in “Oh, that sweater is epic!” Ugh, is my first and second reaction. I want to hear “epic” in conjunction with “Gone with the Wind” or “Moby Dick,” not a fucking sweater. It’s making me sick just thinking about an epic sweater. Make it stop!

Recently, my articulate and argumentative Nephew Wolf agreed with me that the word “grow” is annoying in its current usage as a transitive verb to describe business or government, like “We need to grow this economy.” It just sounds fucked up, doesn’t it?  I was happy to find a usage guide that agreed with me.

Have any words been bothering you lately? How are you feeling about “recessionista” for example?

Today is my tribute to all the People Who Blog in Pajamas and Live in Their Parents’ Basement (at least metaphorically).

I love you all. My dog Pico wanted to show his love as well.

After reading about middle-aged women who go online to look for their old boyfriends, I was more grateful than ever to have found my true love.

He is the best husband in the world, and we plan to die in each other’s arms. Preferably not any time soon, though. I’m still looking for the perfect black jeans.

If you’re wearing PJs while you’re reading this, you rule. Have a look at three hunky men who blog in sexy bedtime attire:

That’s right, ladies. Fan yourselves!

And for you men (or lesbians, of course!) check out the babes.

UPDATE: And here is annemarie, by popular demand, looking a bit frumpy.

Dear Fishface*,

Why?! Once upon a time, you had a normal face, a face that wouldn’t cause nightmares or thoughts of ‘Finding Nemo.’ Apparently, that wasn’t good enough for you.

Haven’t you seen what happened to Meg Ryan and Melanie Griffith? What about Courtney Love and Lisa Rinna? If you squirt fillers into your lips, you just look deformed. I’m pretty sure you didn’t ask some doctor to deliberately fuck up your face…although you seem a little unhinged, so maybe you did. In any case, you’re a total mess.

I hope your face will serve as a warning to women all over the world. I know it has made me rethink the idea of ‘cosmetic procedures.’ It’s much better to let your face get ruined by time, instead of paying someone to ruin it.

The tiny little nose was also a mistake, but still not as scary and horrifying as the lips. Where did you get the money to waste on this shit?!? Oh. never mind, you’ll only lie about it.

Listen, Fishface: I know everyone’s mad at you about the babies, but they wouldn’t be nearly as mad if you looked normal. I think you should consider your duckbill a public relations disaster as well as an aesthetic one. Personally, I wish I had never laid eyes on you. The only thing that has brought me comfort is this before and after look at Jessica Biel.

* thanks, Juri

Just because I’m mad a lot of the time, it’s easy to mistake me for a Bad person.  In actual fact, I’m full of love, when I’m not full of hate!

I love this green fluffy thing. I’d love to be the girl wearing it, too.

I also love this blue fluffy thing, which you can get for me here.

I love this pink ensemble by Givenchy, which would look just as good on a girl.

And I truly love my cyber-friends (including Iheartfashion, who is doing fine but needs to focus on other things for a while.)  Don’t forget our Pajama Party this Friday! Here is your official Party Seal.

I am SO HAPPY to add my voice to the din of Shepard Fairey haters, since I have hated him from the word Obey. Obey yourself, motherfucker, I always think when I see his stupid Obey products, which now include every possible type of garment and accessory for idiots who like his ‘brand.’

Shepard Fairey designed the Obama poster that is now going to the Smithsonian, but he copied it from a photo taken by AP photographer Manny Garcia (see photo, above left.) The AP is suing Fairey for copyright infringement, and now Fairey is counter-suing the AP, claiming that their lawsuit takes a position that is “a suppression of an artist’s freedom of expression.”

All of Mr. Fairey’s work thus far is copied from something else, which some call plagiarism. Some disagree.  What is hard to argue with is the statement of James Danziger, whose gallery is selling limited prints of Garcia’s photo, signed by Mr. Garcia: “There’s an implication that defining yourself as an ‘artist’ as opposed to a ‘photographer’ makes you more important and gives you a special privilege. It also implies that a straightforward photograph is of lesser significance or value than a painting or conceptual work of art.”

For me, the moral of this story is, Don’t Obey Anyone, least of all punkass phonies who pretend to be guerrilla artists.

Everyone knew that the woman who just had octuplets was crazy, but who knew she’d be crazy and arrogant?

Watching a preview of her interview on NBC, at first I was more horrified by her face than her words. What the hell did Nadya Suleman do to her face, and why isn’t anyone mentioning it?!  She has clearly had a terrible nose-job, leaving her with a tiny miniature of a nose that wouldn’t fool Helen Keller. Then, the inflated lips! What a mess. Perhaps she is going for an Angelina Jolie look, but as in her quest for babies, she is tragically deluded.

As far as I can tell, this woman has a pathological compulsion to acquire children, much like some disturbed people hoard animals. “An animal hoarder is a person who amasses more animals than he/she can properly care for.” Oops! If you substitute babies for animals, the disorder fits her behavior perfectly.

Women who use their children to gratify their own narcissistic needs are discussed at length in Alice Miller’s landmark book, The Drama of the Gifted Child. If you haven’t read it, let me say that it’s often cited as “a book that changed my life.” It’s a book that is pressed upon others as essential reading. If you grew up feeling worthless, if you still struggle to be your ‘real’ self, if you worry that you might screw up your own children, this book will be a transformative experience.

Today I was thinking about childhood, and I recalled my mom screaming theatrically, “Why did god curse me with a child like you?” I remember how sad I felt, and how I wished I knew the answer to her question.

Now I know that what my mother meant was, I can’t control my anger and I can’t deal with the needs of a child.

I have lost my temper with my own kids more times than I want to remember. I hope and pray that I haven’t screwed them up too much. At least I won’t have traumatized them with a face that looks like a duck.

Again, if your mother was/is crazy, this club is for you! Feel free to speak up.

I have taken a vow to stop buying black jeans, but I broke it twice in one week. I’m beginning to wonder if there are any black jeans in the universe that would fit me properly, or if I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that the answer is No.

My latest Black Jeans disappointment are a pair by Aristocrat (whoever they are) reduced from $195 to $50. They were too tight but I assumed they would stretch to fit after a few hours. Now I realize that the only jeans that stretch that much are the ones that fit perfectly! Then, they’re too baggy.

My black Nudie jeans: too baggy. Black skinny Levis: too baggy. Black Superfine jeans: too baggy AND too tight. Black L.A.M.B jeans: way too baggy, but too tight when I bought them.

There is no end to this heartbreak. I want some perfect Black Jeans and I’ve wasted enough money to fund a thousand new jobs to build up the infrastructure of this great country of ours. How can I stop the insanity?!?

I tried to break the curse by buying these silvery-black jeans online, but they turned out to be preposterously tiny for a size 4, and they were a ‘final sale,’ as usual.

My loss, in this case, is Annemarie’s gain, because I know they will fit her. Not only that, but she gave me the Ferragamo sweater in the photo above.

I feel I am enmeshed in a hopeless enterprise but unable to admit defeat or just move on. What would Jesus do?

Flo and Kay are autistic twins who are also savants: They can calculate calendar dates and they remember everything. They enjoy music and they worship Dick Clark like a deity, literally. They are sometimes called “The Rainman Twins,” which is unfortunate, since they are not movie characters. Their lives have been fraught with tragedy, but they are unusually happy and resilient.

Watching the documentary about Flo and Kay, I fell in love with them. I can’t even imagine anyone feeling differently.

My response at the end of the documentary was, Why doesn’t Dick Clark hook them up with some money, so they can afford better care? He has met the twins, and knows that they consider him their personal Savior. What’s a million dollars to Dick Clark?!?

What a fucking cunt.

I wasn’t planning on writing about penis jewelry today, but who am I to defy destiny after coming upon this amazing penis bracelet? I swear I wasn’t looking for penis jewelry. I just got on a mailing list for a luxury shopping site called 1st dibs, so I clicked on jewelry…

An amusing bracelet and ring by Jean Mahie. The 18k yellow gold bracelet and ring with French hallmarks and makers mark for Jean Mahie. The link bracelet made up of stylized “male parts” the ring a bent figure. Mahies work is often subtly erotic in nature. This is a great set- almost an inside joke for the wearer. The piece has a wonderful mellow patina. Very fun and wearable. Price: $4,200

I agree that it’s amusing, but “an inside joke for the wearer?” I guess if you didn’t like penises and you were wearing it, that would be a little joke with yourself. Personally, I love this set and the price is just right.

While I’m on penises yet again, take a look at this photo of Gaultier and tell me if you see what I see.

Breaking news: Jessica Simpson is a fat pig and it’s mean to make fun of her. In fact, if you make fun of her, you are part of the problem. It’s people like you who are forcing girls to starve themselves, you big meanies!

Jessica Simpson can’t help being a fat pig, duh. She is only human, or so it seems. Her sister used to have a really big nose, but now she’s fixed it, and she’s hopping mad about Jessica’s detractors. Heidi Klum is mad, too. Heidi is very slim, even after eight million children, but she will not stand for any criticism of Jessica’s weight.

Jessica Simpson is fat now and it’s everybody’s fault. You laughed at her fashion blunders, you sneered at her awful enormous handbags, you mocked her for her line of shoes and hair-pieces, and now look what’s happened! Even President Obama noticed her weight problem. He’ll probably propose some legislation to stop her from gaining more weight. John McCain will oppose it, though.

If I were Jessica Simpson, I’d either kill myself just to show how hurt I was, or I’d pack on another fifty pounds in order to make everyone feel bad for calling me fat.

Either way, it just goes to show how petty and small-minded we are as a society. I plan to go to church tomorrow to pray for Jessica Simpson. May she find solace in big earrings and wide belts and a double order of crispy fried chicken.