Archive for March, 2009

Crazy Mothers Club III

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

Sylvia Plath was a crazy mother, but what should we make of her son’s suicide? We know that depression runs in families, but most of us manage to hang on, even if our mothers were crazy.

Maybe when a family member commits suicide, it presents itself as an option that wouldn’t otherwise be considered. My own mother liked to threaten suicide, but her theatrics only went as far as rattling her pill bottles.

I had a phase, a few years ago, of routinely announcing that I wanted to put my head in the oven. I still think it’s a funny image. I am hoping to find a jeweler who will collaborate with me on my vision of a gold medallion depicting a little oven with legs sticking out of it. In memory of Sylvia, the feet would be wearing low-heeled pumps.

The other day, my ex noted that his uncle and a cousin had committed suicide, but he had an excuse for both of them; they didn’t really count, in his opinion. Men can be funny about depression, because it goes against their gender description.   Yet they kill themselves far more often than woman do, in a ratio of 4 to 1 in the US.   Are women more adept at suffering? My feeling is Yes.

When a famous person commits suicide, it’s always a blow. It makes me wonder why they didn’t wait another day, or call their doctor, or just stay in bed. Nicholas Hughes seems by all accounts to have been a vibrant, talented and lovely human being, who didn’t suffer from depression until his father died from cancer. It sounds like the loss broke his heart, and he simply couldn’t recover.

When Hunter Thompson killed himself, my prevailing reaction was resentment. How could someone so pugnacious just give in like that? What a quitter!

People who commit suicide are not only depressed but impulsive, apparently. Most important, they have lost all sense of humor. Sylvia Plath should have waited around, until the image above struck her as funny. I’m glad my own crazy mother set a better example by sticking around and tormenting us until she was 73.

The Lourdes Project II

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

Remember when we all admired   her unibrow and moustache? Lourdes has evidently succumbed to either societal pressure or her mother’s obsession with beauty procedures. Here they are arriving in Malawi to purchase a new child.

Six months ago, Lourdes was still sporting the natural look.

Oh well. Lourdes is a beautiful girl, but it would have been nice for young women to have a new role model in the Frida Kahlo tradition. I just hope it was Lourdes who made the decision to go for the clean shaven look.

If your mom filled her face up with Sculptra and botox, you might have conflicted feelings about beauty and its importance. On the left, above, I see a woman who has drunk from Life’s Cup. On the right, I see a woman who has siphoned the Cup into her cheeks.

By this time tomorrow, Lourdes may have a new little sister. I’m sure it’s not really colonialism on Madonna’s part to enlarge her family by plucking children from Africa. She’s just trying to save Malawi, for god sake! As she explained to Vanity Fair, “I didn’t choose Malawi. Malawi chose me.”

David Duff, Samurai

Saturday, March 28th, 2009

Once upon a time, a Crazy Russian Bitch launched a bizarre attack on me on a blog I visited. Then, she started attacking me on her own blog, mocking the way I wrote about my broken pelvis. She blocked me from commenting on these personal attacks, and she finally became so belligerent about me on the first blog that she ended up in a feud with its authors.

Then, she mocked me to one of her readers, David Duff. I found David Duff’s blog and left a friendly comment there.

The Crazy Russian Woman was beside herself. When Mr. Duff refused to be discourteous to me, she was furious. She wrote a post about why he was a bastard, and why she was deleting him from her blogroll!   Ooooooh!

Since then, she has written a vicious post about another blogger who has cancer and had inadvertently enraged her by turning to God.

She has continued to behave like a crazy African dictator, so obviously she can often be enjoyed just for her delusional arrogance. Here, she calls Obama a ‘socialist piece of shit.’

Meanwhile, David Duff has continued to defend my honor by maintaining a civil and warm cyber-friendship with me despite the fearsome wrath of Her Craziness.

The internet can be full of potholes for the unwary, but it’s nice when someone turns out to be a true gentleman, even if he’s an archconservative. David Duff is therefore the first recipient of the Sister Wolf Samurai Award. All hail him!

Behold the Boyfriend Jeans!

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

It’s Britney, bitch! Nah, just kidding.

God, I fucking rule.

Here I look fat, but so what, I have antlers.

So here’s the ensemble, as recommended by my trusted cyber-advisors. The white tank top, bangles, fitted jacket, and the fierce shoes.   I wore rocked this out to dinner tonight, with all three tags hanging out of the jeans!   I wanted to make it clear that the jeans were A PRIZE I WON, and not something I would actually buy.   It was a special birthday dinner for my boy, who is 33 today, the same age as Christ when he died for your sins.

Admit I rule. Let’s see Madonna look as good when she’s 55. Until then, she can kiss my fat ass!

Vintage Chanel Shit

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

And more, in Shop My Closet! (right-hand column, under ‘About’)

Astral Weeks and Me

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks is not only the greatest album in pop music history, it’s the one that the angels listen to in heaven.* A new live version of this 1968 record has just been released, and while it’s a stunning accomplishment, it only draws one back to the original. Nothing comes close to the ineffable, haunting beauty of Astral Weeks.

I remember the day my friend Max brought it home. He listened to it through headphones, over and over. At some point, he started singing along with it. His voice was awful, even without the deafness of headphones. But my boyfriend and I were intrigued by his howling and the look of ecstasy on his face.

I was 16 years old when I first heard Astral Weeks, and it moved me beyond words, as it still does today. Sometimes, we walked down a dark wintry street in north London called Cypress Avenue, and if we were stoned enough, we’d sing Van Morrison’s lyrics: Well I’m caught one more time, up on Cypress Avenue…. Even then, the song was almost unbearably poignant.

Lester Bangs has famously written about Astral Weeks, and Rolling Stone has published more than one piece about the making of the album. The musicians came together without rehearsal, and were told by Van Morrison to “just follow where I’m going…”   The result is a blend of jazz, blues, folk and classical music that can be heard a million times without losing its power to awe.

I ended up naming my first son after Max. I married and divorced my boyfriend. Other music has featured strongly in my life, but Astral Weeks is the one that remains my lighthouse. If you don’t know this album, get a taste of it here.

*They also listen to Forever Changes, by Love, who you can learn about from Tobi Lynne.

My Fat Ass!

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

I was very pleased to hear that poor Megan McCain told that bitch Laura Ingraham to kiss her fat ass! I thought about it as I trudged through a shitload of ‘Obey’ products on Karmaloop while checking our the new products. “Obey my fat ass!” I said aloud to my computer. Voila, a t-shirt is born.

Speaking of my fat ass, I received the boyfriend jeans that I won courtesy of fashion herald! The irony of this prize cannot be overstated. I am thrilled. They are really loose and saggy. They won’t stay up without a belt.

So what should I wear rock with the boyfriend jeans? I know I’m supposed to rock some fierce shoes, and I will if I have to. But what are my other options? What kind of top or jacket would you like to see me rock with them?   Help a Sister out with this. I will attempt to model the best suggestions (contingent on my existing wardrobe of course.)

Special Olympics Fuss

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

Oh god, President Obama made a joke comparing his bowling ineptitude to the Special Olympics. Big deal! Now we have to hear everyone talking shit about it, not only people like Mrs. Palin but normal people, too!

This sanctimonious PC shit has gone too far. Disabled, challenged, whatever, but we need to be allowed to have a sense of humor! Mr. Obama was mocking himself, as his tone clearly indicated. People who compete in the Special Olympics can watch the interview and decide whether to feel insulted. Everyone else should just shut up.

There are so many things to get mad about, why must people always focus on the wrong things? Every time I’m near a TV, I hear someone yelling about AIG and executive bonuses. It’s caused an uproar unlike anything I’ve seen in years.

Big fucking deal about the bonuses, what about the fact that we’ve destroyed Iraq and caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people FOR NO REASON?! Where was all this righteous anger during the last seven years?!

Here’s something you can get mad about instead. According to the Associated Press, this man is accused of having sex with a dog and a horse.

I don’t like his expression, and I don’t like his do-it-yourself haircut. But I suspect this story is a hoax and here’s why: ” A 13-year-old girl said she saw Coppes with her Anatolian shepherd. Coppes is also charged with abusing the girl’s small Palomino horse.” The words Anatolian and Palomino are the tip-off, right? If it is a hoax, you heard it here first!

And going back to Mrs Palin, as one does, let us ponder this: Alaska is only now considering whether to make bestiality a crime. Good call, Alaska! While you’re at it, remember that aerial hunting isn’t nice either.

LA Fashion for the Goth in All of Us

Friday, March 20th, 2009

Skin.Graft is an L.A. based label I first heard about via Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls. That’s how hip I am. But I forgot about it until recently, and now I can’t get enough. Look at the antler girl! I asked for antlers, and the universe answered. The ruffled skirt is one of Skin.Graft’s trademarks, and I think it rules.

For their fall/winter 2009 collection, designers Jonny Cota, Cassidy Haley and Katie Kay pulled their inspiration from “neo-Victorian royalty and overly tarnished motorcycles smashing into each other at high speeds.”

Sounds good to me.

While my bosom was still heaving over Skin.Graft, I learned that Louis Verdad has a new collection that is also heavy on the Goth-inspired leather and spikes.

Mmmmmm. When I retire to the attic like Mrs. Rochester, I plan to be swathed in Louis Verdad on the occasions that my Victorian mourning gowns are in the wash.

What Kind of Wassonery is This?*

Friday, March 20th, 2009

Ooh, here is our friend Erin at a party the other night at a shop in L.A. I love the exposed bra! I’ll bet she picked up this styling tip from a Homeless Woman! Still, she makes it her own. She brings it, even.

Does anyone know what the tattoo says?? I can’t rest until I know.

Also, Erin will be selling off her closet tomorrow at her boyfriend’s shop on Main St. in Venice. She only wants to wear her own designs from now on.   If I had a stronger constitution, I’d stake it out and take photos.

Now that that cunt Erin is copying me in the Shop My Closet department, I’ve been inspired to SLASH MY PRICES! Come on down to Sister Wolf’s Closet   by clicking on the link on the right-hand column. More good stuff is coming, too!

*credit for Wassonery goes to crocodilian. (and Amy Winehouse)