Archive for March, 2009

What is it About Antlers?

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

I’ve had a thing for antlers for a few years, and I see I’m not alone. Antlers seem to be pretty chic all of a sudden, and even though I hate it when the whole world has to copy me, I want the antlers to keep on coming!   This deer head is at Vivre.com, and it would make a nice Mother’s Day gift for me. Click on it to see its full glory.

This antler hat is at Patricia Field Online, and speaks for itself.

Then there is this unforgettable image, my original mySpace photo!

It was the armpits that attracted all my “friends” of course, not the antlers. Still, antlers are the way to go. If you come across any antler items that make you think “Sister Wolf!” please give me a shout.

Shop My Closet!

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

Here is an exciting new feature: Now, you have the opportunity to Shop My Closet, simply by clicking on the link underneath “About” on the right.

I’m tired of stockpiling things I’ll never wear, but I need money to replace those things with more things. I’ll never wear those things either, but that’s not your problem.

I will update the page at least once a week. Paypal or personal checks, it’s all good.

Fritzl Trial: Quote of the Day

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

Nutcase Joseph Fritzl is finally on trial for rape, incest, murder and enslavement, but   his lawyer insists that Fritzl is no monster.

Lawyer Rudolph Mayer insists that his client was only trying to create a second family when he locked up his daughter in a dungeon for 24 years. The essence of Mayer’s No Monster defense is this:

“If you only lock up your daughter to have sex with her, you’re not going to have any children, you’re not going to get schoolbooks (for them) or a Christmas tree.”

Meet Madonna’s Personal Trainer!

Sunday, March 15th, 2009

Today I read a thing about Gwyneth’s expensive new gym in New York, and her partner/personal trainer, Tracy Anderson. Tracy is also Madonna’s personal trainer, and she takes credit for creating Madge’s controversial body.

If you check out Tracy’s website, you can see a gallery of photos that highlight her sinewy pelvis. There’s probably something wrong with me, because the lean pelvis looks painfully deprived of flesh AND a little too much like a young boy. Call me crazy.

Tracy actually looks more like a nice little troll in real life, and that is comforting. But I knew she was a liar after reading that she only lets Madonna lift 3 pound weights. Girl, don’t play us like that!   Anyone who’s ever lifted weights knows that is bullshit!

Tracy likes to pontificate on her fitness philosophy, which includes the promise of looking young until you’re 100. She talks about it here and all over the place.

However, other people like to talk about Tracy. TMZ talks about some lawsuits against Tracy, and shared her mugshot.

Other people like to talk about how Tracy ripped them off, here.

I was so excited by all this that I went back to Tracy’s website, where if you click on “About Tracy” you will find “A Letter From Tracy,” where she talks about a time in her life full of “bummers.” She whines about being too “trusting” and how she has overcome adversity.

Yay for Tracy! Now I’m happy. I hope Gwyneth and Madonna know all about the “bummers” but if not, oh well, they’re both as lean as beef jerky, and that’s what matters most!

“No Eating”

Sunday, March 15th, 2009

No Eating is a powerful new play that has been described as a cross between No Exit and Gilligan’s Island, with echoes of Endgame in its theme of absurd futility.

Starring Kate Moss, Karl Lagerfeld, Carine Roitfeld (not pictured) and Beth Ditto, the non-action takes place on a desert island. Moss, Lagerfeld and Roitfeld refuse to acknowledge the presence of Ms. Ditto for the first two acts. Even when she sings into a bullhorn and flings her Fendi skirt at them, they continue to pretend she isn’t there.

In Act III, hunger has set in. Karl has given up looking for a helicopter to rescue him. He talks about his mother and blames her for everything. Kate starts to gnaw on her own foot, as Carine screams that she needs a scale to weigh everyone.

All at once, Kate and the two Felds notice Beth Ditto. Karl confuses her with Amy Winehouse; he is delirious from hunger. Kate and Carine tell Beth that she’s an icon, just like them. Beth sees the hunger in their eyes as they approach her, and warns that she is fattening.

The four castaways stare into space, realizing that hell is not other people, but oneself. Beth Ditto walks into the sea, either to survive as a human raft or to drown. The curtain falls to the muted strains of “Back to Black.”

The Ethics of Hair Extensions

Saturday, March 14th, 2009

Fergie is rocking* some unfortunate new hair extensions, but that’s not the worst of it. In the March issue of Allure magazine, you can learn about the business of hair extensions, and you will never feel the same about them.

The Venkateshwara Temple, at Tirumala in the south Indian State of Andhra Pradesh, is thought to attract more pilgrims than Jerusalem, Rome or Mecca.

Over 18 million devotees visit every year to pay their respects to an incarnation of Vishnu; the God that Hindus believe protects and sustains all that is good in society.

Every day, 12,000 pilgrims have their heads shaved by barbers in two great halls of the temple, which is India’s richest. The offering of hair is a sacred act, a gift of thanks to the Lord.

The hair of Indian women and girls is said to be the most beautiful in the world, and it is collected at the temple to be sold to middlemen, who then sell it again to companies that distribute it throughout the world. It is dyed 56 different colors and then resold to companies that sell it to your hairdresser.

The notion of someone sacrificing her hair in an act of devotion, only to have it end up attached to Fergie’s head, is repellent and grotesque, isn’t it?

The only way to offset this moral blunder is to donate time or money to Locks of Love each time you get hair extensions.

If only all moral blunders could be solved so easily!

Operation Bristol Palin

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Even though Mrs. Palin has an Agenda against me (see above) I am big-hearted enough to want to help Bristol, who is innocent of sin, mostly.

According to reports, Bristol and Levi have split up, and it isn’t pretty. His sister Mercede tells the sordid tale to The Star, conveniently forgetting to explain why her name is lacking the customary ‘s’ at the end of it.

Bristol doesn’t want anything more to do with Levi. Looking at this photo from The Star, I’m not surprised. The baby looks terrified, and rightly so. A man who has to tattoo his last name on his arm in huge block letters is a man with either a memory problem or a spelling problem.   Wait, I think the spelling problem is genetic!

Okay, it’s up to us to devise a plan for Bristol, now that she’s a single mom. Here are my ideas:

1. Bristol can sell her book “My Mom is a Cunt Who Ruined My Life” for $10 mil.
2. Bristol can run away and change her name, leaving Trip with Trig, Track, etc.
3. Bristol can move in with me and we’ll get our high school diplomas together.
4. Bristol can run the Johnston meth lab with Levi’s mother while Levi heads back into the woods to do whatever it is he does.

Which plan do you support, or is there a batter one? Please help Bristol, who didn’t know nothin’ ’bout condoms or birthin’ babies!

Thank God, I Hate It!

Monday, March 9th, 2009

What a relief to find some fur on the runway that I don’t want. These two numbers by Givenchy are repulsive, aren’t they? I’m sure Madonna will show up in one, so I’m already bracing myself. The one on the left looks like the model fought with a gorilla and won. The one on the right looks like the gorilla ate the model but is using her head as a decoy.

It makes me especially sad to look at these “dresses” because of the new study suggesting that chimps can make plans for the future and thus have an autonoetic consciousness. The chimp in question was seen hoarding stones to throw at visitors outside his cage at a zoo in Sweden. He collected the stones when he was calm, anticipating that he’d be pissed off when the zoo opened the next day.

That chimp is alot smarter than I am. For example, I ate three bags of peanut M&M’s last night, unable to predict that I’d feel fat in the morning. God I am stupid. I don’t even deserve to be in a zoo.

Getting back to fashion, I am pleased to see that gladiator sandals are back with a vengeance. This means that the hideous gladiator spats I bought last year will be right on-trend, even though I plan to continue to not wear them.

I’ll bet that chimp would have known not to buy these. I am more and more impressed by him!

A Friend For Erin Wasson!

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

While dutifully checking out the monotonous stream of new arrivals at Revolve, I was drawn to the price of these pants: $429. What the hell? Then I saw the name of the designer, Kimberly Ovitz.

If you live in L.A., you know that Mike Ovitz is a legendary Hollywood Bigshot who blamed his ultimate downfall on Hollywood’s “gay mafia.” He was a notorious bully and tyrant when he ran CAA.

Now, his daughter Kimberly has produced a “lifestyle collection for women…”   “which embodies Ovitz’s personal style, and reflections of the minimalist art and design she was exposed to while growing up in Los Angeles. The concept of her first collection is “Ladies at the country house having a punk party and raiding the stable”.

Good for you, Kimberly. I’m sure you worked very hard to launch your new line of minimalist clothing, and I know that your trip to France after dropping out of Parsons to “apprentice” at Chanel had nothing whatsoever to do with your dad.

Please enjoy Kimberly’s biography here at her company website. It is a treasure trove of poor syntax and misspelling.

Somehow I see a meeting of the minds, so to speak, between Kimberly Ovitz and Erin “Homeless” Wasson. I like to imagine them snorting a few lines and then talking about how sick the new Balenciaga boots are.

If they haven’t met, I want to hook them up! I am an inveterate matchmaker, ask anyone. In fact, when my matches haven’t been disastrous, they have worked out very nicely.

Lying About Books

Friday, March 6th, 2009

In a survey carried out for World Book Day, 65% of people have claimed to read a book they never read. The real figure should be closer to 100% but some people insist on lying about lying, obviously.

Here are the books most lied about:

1. 1984 by George Orwell (42%)
2. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy (31%)
3. Ulysses by James Joyce (25%)
4. The Bible (24%)
5. Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert (16%)
6. A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking (15%)
7. Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie (14%)
8. Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust (9%)
9. Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama (6%)
10. The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins (6%)

Fascinating, isn’t it? I haven’t read 1984 either, and I’m pretty sure I’ve lied about it. I did see the movie and I have read several other books by George Orwell, but I’m still part of the guilty 42%.

I’m wondering why so many people lie about reading Stephen Hawking? I guess it depends on who you’re trying to impress. For example, I’d never lie about reading the Bible, because I have no claims to being religious. But to admit you’ve never read 1984 is to cast doubt upon your very worth as a thinker.

War and Peace is really long, so I get why people would rather pretend to have read it than to actually plunge in. But those of us who have read it can testify that it’s easy reading and very entertaining. Not at all like Moby Dick (which is my own Moby Dick, as I’ve stated elsewhere here.)

Same thing with Madame Bovary, which is a joy to read, even though its events are so devastating. I once read an interview with Linda Ronstadt, who claimed that her idols were Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary. Now there’s a liar, unless she was feeling suicidal during the interview.

Is there anyone among us who hasn’t lied about reading a book? Personally, I’d have doubts about someone who claimed to have read every volume of Remembrance of Things Past. Swann’s Way put me to sleep, so “Proustian” for me is a synonym for relentlessly boring.

In an essay about this survey in the Telegraph, the writer acknowledges the difficulty of reading the Bible, from start to finish, noting that ‘Randolph Churchill famously did it for a bet, only to give up with the remark, “God, wasn’t God a ****?”

This was almost EXACTLY my own reaction when I once picked up a Bible, but I believe I called Him a ‘bastard.’ Not that I mind a disagreeable main character. I love Humbert Humbert, for example. I think lots of people pretend to have read Lolita, given how many people think there’s something prurient about it.

The 14% who pretended to have read Midnight’s Children really mystify me. Aren’t you supposed to say you’ve read The Satanic Verses?? I know I did.

Okay, so which books have you lied about reading, anyone?