Angelina to Jen: Just Kill Yourself!

angie at cannes 2009

Each time I see a picture like this, I can feel Jen dying a tiny death, like an oragasm in reverse.   Even this close to death from starvation, Angelina is breathtaking.

Swathed in nude chiffon, lips emitting a flourescent glare equal to ten thousand scarlet bordello lanterns, Angelina is a vision from another planet.   She is absinthe to Jen’s glass of milk.

Poor Jen! Imagine the whole world wondering why you don’t kill yourself? Having to constantly protest that you’re fine, you’re great, you couldn’t be happier?

Angelina is rubbing it in. God bless her.

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27 Responses to “Angelina to Jen: Just Kill Yourself!”

  1. JK Says:

    Bet she doesn’t know where Michigan is.

  2. marmalade wombat Says:

    AHAHAHA.

    except in this picture, angeline looks like a waxen sex-doll version of herself.

  3. Iheartfashion Says:

    For some strange reason, I love her.
    Jen does nothing for me.

  4. HelOnWheels Says:

    I’m with Iheartfashion: I love Angelina. I find Jen too boring, bland; pretty, but dull.

  5. Jill Says:

    Girl Next Door vs. Dangerous Vixen…I’d love to be vixenish, but unfortunately I’m not. Now you on the other hand!

  6. Deni Says:

    “lips emitting a flourescent glare equal to ten thousand scarlet bordello lanterns”

    Love it!

    (And if I copy and paste no typos!)

  7. Angie Says:

    I can’t relate to Jennifer Aniston as a person at all.
    And have you ever seen that show friends?
    It’s awful – they are all really mean to each other.
    I never liked it.

  8. Mark Says:

    I’m going to be the odd man out here: Angelina is a parody of herself. Adopt this, birth that. Blood vials this, tattoos that. French kissing brother here, dabbles in lesbianism there. It’s all so tired. Yes, she’s hot, but I can’t help but think that she’s just a big infection. And acting? Come on! She used to be good; now she’s just lazy.

    Jen on the other hand is pretty, and she’s actually a brilliant physical comedian. Her choices of films have been questionable, but she’s a good actor. Sure, she was dumb enough to date douchebag of the century John Mayer (Meyer? Who the fuck cares?) but Angelina used to ‘date’ her own gay brother. Jen needs to date a physician, an architect (that would drive Brad nuts!), a writer, someone not in the tabloids. She needs to remember that she doesn’t need any more money and start making some good films without Owen Wilson. Plus, unlike 90% of the starlets out there, Jen has actually had GOOD plastic surgery. I pray nightly she doesn’t go for the Donald Duck lips of Meg Ryan.

  9. WendyB Says:

    Jen vs Angelina — whichever one starts wearing a lot of Wendy Brandes Jewelry is the good one.

  10. Ann Says:

    Angelina’s dress is a vision. I would look like I was swaddled in a dingy shower curtain if I tried to pull that off.

    Mark is right in suggesting that Jen date an architect. That would certainly generate some sort of quiet internal reaction in Brad, if the architect was notable. But I can’t think of a single thing she could do that would even remotely affect Angelina.

  11. Sonia Luna Says:

    “She is absinthe to Jen’s glass of milk.”, ahahah … well said!
    Jen is dull, dull, dull…yawn!

  12. Andra Says:

    Do you mean fluorescent? What is flourescent?

  13. Sister Wolf Says:

    JK – You’re on.

    Miss Wombat – True, but they are interchangeable at this point, except to Brad.

    Iheartfashion – Same here, exactly.

    Jill – Ha, well, you are no girl next door!

    Deni – If typos mattered, I’d be really screwed.

    Angie – I don’t think she is a person, she’s more of a vacuum.

    Mark – Oh Marky, your are prejudiced for professional reasons. But marrying an architect, FUCKING GENIUS. God, you’re good. It’s from all that practice with your Jewish Friends!

    WendyB- That will no doubt be Angie, since Jen wears crap by that awful Jennifer Meyer. No imagination at all.

    Ann – I love the architect idea too. She should get Frank Gehry or I M Pei (the only ones I know). You’re right about Angie being totally impervious…now I’ll be fixated on this. Let’s try to think of something Jen could do, short of murder.

    Sonia Luna – It’s fun to think of analogies for those two – you could do it all day!

    Andra – Are you just mad at me for inferring lesbitiousness on your part? I DO mean fluorescent! “Flourescent” is when a person tries to get even via typos.

  14. dewayne Says:

    i am completely sick of this emaciated/malnutrition look i am seeing during my brief forays into mass media. it’s not attractive at all…unless you are a psychopath that likes women who are easy to tear apart.

    it reminds me of the way people look sometimes when they decide to become vegans. or, you know, actual starving people. but what’s the difference there, anyway?

    not that i’m a quote/unquote chubby-chaser. i’m just as shallow as the next guy, but seriously. stop trying to impress whatever it is you feel like you are impressing. it’s just pissing me off, like everything else on this planet.

  15. Mark Says:

    My goal is to find Jen the hottest architect out there. In fact, let’s all look for hot architects for Jen!

  16. Bex Says:

    I suggest Jen hook up with Santiago Calatrava. Have you seen his buildings? Amazing. I don’t know if he’s hot though.

  17. Aja Says:

    Can I dislike them both but call Angie out for being a skank?

  18. Sardonique Says:

    It’s Jennifer Aniston’s facial architecture that I object to! She looks like she was second in line after Tori Spelling at the Plastic Surgery Clinic. The poor Plastic Surgeon had been so overwhelmed by the intricacies of Tori’s facial ‘Badlands’ that by the time he got to Jen, it was like “I’m gonna carve up this little apple pronto and get my ass back to the Golf Course for some well deserved RnR!”. I mean, just look at her NOSE for Christ’s sake (in profile or portrait)! I mean, unrepentant sadist that I am, even ‘I’ wouldn’t graft something like THAT onto a Purple-Assed Baboon, for cryin’ out loud!

    Your humble servant ever, I remain, Mme.,

    8¬}D-

  19. Sardonique Says:

    http://www.bestweekever.tv/bwe/images/2009/03/lifeandstylemagazinejennife%20copy.jpg

  20. fashion herald Says:

    WendyB jewelry is so Angelina. She needs the Marie Antoinette ring.

  21. sam Says:

    I really try an avoid idolising other people…there are fine looking humans all around us and its always in the eye of the beholder of course…godammit look at Susan Boyle! What a star x

  22. Suebob Says:

    I’m hoping, just hoping, that maybe sister Jen has a life that has nothing to do with thinking about Ang and Brad. Or maybe they all get together for cocktails and laugh their asses off at the tabloids.

    Being Jen can’t be so bad. Those people made like $1 mil per Friends episodes, and we all know there were over 16,500 episodes, so she pretty much makes Bill Gates look like a pauper.

  23. Sister Wolf Says:

    Dewayne – It’s a mark of your mental health that you don’t want any starving girls. It means you actually like women. I’m glad you’re still pissed off though.

    Mark – Okay, I’m in.

    Bex – I will check him out. I have a feeling that she requires prettiness in her men, to make up for her lack thereof. I hope he’s hot.

    Sardonique – I like your restraint. The link is great! Everybody go look at the link.

    fashion herald – You’re right. It would be perfect on her bony finger.

    sam – Thank you for your idealism.

    Suebob – Your hopes are noble, but Jen will never, ever be able to move on. Her millions are unable to provide happiness, although it payed for a few rounds with that horrible John Mayer. WHAT IF Jen could hook up with Angie’s brother??? WE need an operations manager.

  24. Make Do Style/Film Upstart Says:

    I’m with Mark and the architect marriage number for Jen – perfect!
    Angeline is becoming slightly bizarre with her thinness – great red lips though!

  25. Bob Says:

    I’d bang Jen or Angelina. But not you fatty.

  26. Sister Wolf Says:

    Make Do – Mark is brilliant, isn’t he?

    Bob – Oh, don’t be hasty, Bob.

  27. dawny Says:

    angeline “breathtaking”…………..my arse!!

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