MySpace Romance: True Fiction

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Just when I’m trying to finish writing a story I’ve been struggling with, I have to go and orchestrate another MySpace debacle. Can someone please keep track of these for me? I’m losing count. This one was triggered by some guy’s stated regard for an obscure book I love. In retrospect, I’m sure he just Googled it, but that is now beside the point. Things went from zero to sixty: WHAM! Furious messages back and forth, by midnight I had downloaded Skype, the only way he knew how to IM.

OMFG! What a great guy! Let’s call him “Bald Guy”. A witty, literate, sensitive musician with a morose outlook on like and an appreciation for my flair with the word “cunt.” And what a great voice! A deep, scratchy voice that sounded like a Beatle or some other Northerner, crossed with Eeyore. Well, you know the story, it’s always the same on MySpace, except for the details. It was a perfect affinity! We were soul mates! Hours and hours of chat logged in. No cybersex, don’t even think about it. In fact, most charmingly, he divulged a squeamishness for “anal”, whatever that may mean. As in, “Yanks seem obsessed with anal!”   Since I had never mentioned “anal” in the first place, perhaps it was some sort of warning? From now on, IT’S ONLY ANAL FOR ME, just FYI.

Anyway, back to the story: Look! He put me in his Top 8! Wow, this is even better than junior high, isn’t it?! The other 7 were music contacts. I feel like the winner on American Idol, even though I still haven’t seen a single episode. But then, things start to get weird. What could be the matter? Aren’t we still having fun with this?!?   What about our plan to meet in New York? And what’s with the creepy Norwegian girl who’s been posting messages to him with cute little faces at the end?

Finally: Long confusing disputes about disputes about disputes. My feelings are hurt! No, he insists that his feelings are hurt, not mine. When I resign from whole thing, he needs me back. He loves me! Well, duh, so I sign up again.

After a long night of back and forth Skyping, we make up, it’s all good (i.e., completely nuts). But he has replaced me in his Top 8 with the Creepy girl, whose profile states so poignantly “I am a young girl, not yet a woman” even though she is 29. She should probably get a move on it, but that’s not my problem.

I ask him to get rid of her. He can’t! “She loves his music!” Well, the rest is too gruesome. My hallowed place is now filled by a creepy chick with a questionable eye who looks like a poor man’s Paris Hilton, and they are busy exchanging wacky jpg.s of ladybugs, grapes, etc. Today she has posted on his comments a huge suggestive photo of two greasy snails locked in embrace. Is this supposed to be preferable to anal?

I don’t know. Obviously, I have blocked this Bald Guy, and feel somehow violated yet again by an idiotic MySpace interaction. All of my 157 devoted friends send me pictures of butt plugs as comments. Can someone tell me what I’ve learned from this? Would anyone like to see this girl’s profile? The one good eye is the color of an icy fjord, or so he has written. Is there anyone out there who is willing to stage an Intervention for me, next time?

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16 Responses to “MySpace Romance: True Fiction”

  1. Krystal S. Says:

    haha! this is so myspace, i never even look at my messages at this point. thanks so much for your comment, it made my day! x

  2. WendyB Says:

    There’s an episode of Family Guy where Peter demands anal: “No matter how clean I want the place, you have to do it.”

  3. annemarie Says:

    did you make this up??

  4. annemarie Says:

    to answer the questions:
    1. I would like to see Creepy Girl with Icy Fjord eye’s profile.
    2. You can ALWAYS count on me to enact an intervention

  5. Sister Wolf Says:

    Krystal S – I am smitten.

    WendyB- This reminds me of a recent conversation with my BFF about anal bleaching. “Is no place sacred any more?!” we both exclaimed, on behalf of unbleached anuses.

    annemarie – Would I really get involved in something like this?

    annemarie – I love you so much. xo

  6. Braindance Says:

    Anal Bleaching… Something inside me died when I was made aware of this practice. I actually know one person who bleaches his anus, he is not a porn star or gay (so he says, verdict is not quite in) and I have a friend who has a friend that bleaches her anus. Where is the world going when there is not even six degrees of seperation between you and somebody that bleaches an anus?

  7. Juri Says:

    Too bad things didn’t work out with the Bald Guy! It’s never a good sign if you don’t make it any higher in his top 10. Music contacts or not, it’s not love unless he puts there as number 4 or higher. I can’t see much commitment there from his part. Of course, it depends on which bands he appreciates higher than you.

    And those icey-eyed Norwegians sluts always mess things up. I don’t think the cunts can help it really. It is all in their Nordic upbringing. What can you expect from a nation whose kindergaartens encourage sex play?

    You might want to rebound the Bald Guy with one of these:

    Lee, 37, California
    Smiles and Naughty, 35, California
    Charles, 56, Indiana

    They seem like a bunch of wholesome chaps.

  8. Deni Says:

    SW, this is too weird for me, all of it. Anal bleaching . . . why? Bleach, snails, bald men that sound like Eeyore. Well, it’s one degree saner than the bod mod page where the men have split their penises and tongues into two (length wise of course).

    “I grow old … I grow old …
    I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.”

  9. fashion herald Says:

    Aww, and eww, anal bleaching! Grossed out again, I’m so easy these days. Going off to send picture of hot ass snail girl to husband. Picture does not gross me out.
    More myspace true fiction please!!!

  10. fashion herald Says:

    Meant to say “ow” not “aw.”

  11. Jill Says:

    splitting their penis’ in two?! What?! For god’s sake, why?? I think I’m gonna disembark from Facebook! Isn’t it just another clone of MySpace??

  12. Bex Says:

    *thumbs up*

    As for bleaching, Sasha Baron Cohen reportedly did it for “Bruno”. Scary shit.

  13. hoochiegucci Says:

    I TRIED!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Sister Wolf Says:

    Braindance – What a beautiful first sentence. You are a born writer.

    Juri – God what a great friend AND pimp you are. Let me check them out.

    Deni – Yes, it’s all getting so sad.

    fashion herald – Goddamn me, I keep making you sick. I will babysit to make it up to you.

    Jill- I think it’s pretending to be more sophisticated than MySPace. Not sure though.

    Bex- Bruno is having some fun, isn’t he??

    hoochiegucci – To bleach your anus? Why, it’s perfect as it is!

  15. Mark Says:

    Question: Is it bleaching the hair around the anus or the actual mucus membrane/tissue of the anus?

  16. Jill Says:

    I looked up penis splitting…enuf said!

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