Godammit, I’m Mad!

Remember Sad Redhead Girl? Back in the day when she never smiled? Well, here she is in a plastic bag of some kind. It’s purported to be a Metallic Goddess Tank, by Free People. The Shopbop copywriter seems to be stumped by it, and I can’t blame her. In fact, after reading some descriptions today at Pink Mascara,  I realize that describing clothes is quite an art!

The Shopbop writing is full of awful jargon and cliches, but at least they are emphatic about each piece. At Pink Mascara, it’s like “This is so cute, it will look cute with other stuff, maybe.”

How would you  describe this plastic bag top that Sad Redhead Girl is wearing? Don’t get distracted by her wonky eye. I’m looking for a top-notch piece of copywriting.

And by the  way, here’s Starving Girl again, who hasn’t had a bite to eat since the last time I mentioned her. However, she has perfected the sullen expression that is her trademark.

Each time I see a picture like this, I can feel Jen dying a tiny death, like an oragasm in reverse.  Even this close to death from starvation, Angelina is breathtaking.

Swathed in nude chiffon, lips emitting a flourescent glare equal to ten thousand scarlet bordello lanterns, Angelina is a vision from another planet.  She is absinthe to Jen’s glass of milk.

Poor Jen! Imagine the whole world wondering why you don’t kill yourself? Having to constantly protest that you’re fine, you’re great, you couldn’t be happier?

Angelina is rubbing it in. God bless her.

When this skirt suit by Thom Browne sold out at Gilt Group (reduced to $1,288) fashion blogs got all excited.

What’s the surprise all about? The men I know LOVE Thom Browne.

Let’s see, men famous for wearing skirts:  David Bowie, Mick Jagger, David Beckham.  Okay, then! I’d like to see more guys wearing skirts.  They are welcome to my skirts too, since I’m not going to wear them any time soon.

A man wearing a skirt says to me: “I’m confident, I’m rebellious, come and get it!”

There are far worse things for men to wear,  starting with baseball hats or Metallica T-shirts. What other fashion advice do you have for men, anyone out there?

~

In other news, Rachel Bilson (whoever she is) was robbed, and They took all her Chanel! Boo hoo!  This is a travesty, you just don’t do it, you don’t take someone’s Chanel.  Rachel, my heart goes out to you!  How about buying some Chanel crap from me?

$120 each piece, plus US  shipping, Rachel, and guaranteed authentic.  Hurry up, before They come for my Chanel, too.

I admire Lars Von Trier more for his pranks than his artistry, although I thought Dogville was pretty brilliant.  Breaking the Waves, Dancing in the Dark, nope, not for me. Too much angst, too little catharsis.

Now, his new film Antichrist has riled up viewers at Cannes, and has divided critics into two camps (roughly, “What a genius!” and “What repulsive trash!”)

Here’s the storyline: A married couple goes into the woods to help the wife recover from the death of their child. Things get out of hand, ending in shocking violence and sexual mutilation.

How much would you pay to not have to see this movie? I don’t have much in my bank account but I’d be willing to empty it, if that’s what it took.  Lars, I love you, don’t ever change, just don’t come near me with anything sharp.

Here’s the trailer if you’re up to it.

There are too many names out there, and it’s getting way too hard to keep up. Who are these John and Kate people who are now having marital problems?

I saw one of them on TV last night, and she was sporting an old school Posh Spice asymmetrical hairdo. What is her point with that, can somebody fill me in? Is she married to a Hawaiian guy, and if so, why? Also, who do they have so many kids? Is it an Octomom kind of deal or just too much fertility drugs?

Also, who is Lauren Conrad? Pictures of her look just like Lindsay Lohan, right? Who is Audrina? Who is Tinsley Mortimer and for the love of god, who is Talor Momsen? I keep seeing these names as though I’m supposed to know who they are!  Oh wait, I know who Taylor Swift is, I think. Is she the girl who plays guitar but can’t sing?

I know who Heidi Montag is! She married some guy and everyone hates them. (I’m just proving that I know some of this shit.) And I know that Hayden Panti-something has an enormous head and looks  middle aged but is really quite young.

Are all of these people on the same TV series? Why are they all blond? Why do some of them have clothing lines while others don’t?

Oh no, one more just popped into my head…Whitney Port or Something Whitley? Make them Staaaaahp, Bethenny!

But I am nothing if not a mom.

I was too depressed to write a Mother’s Day thing.  I was planning to link back to Mothers Who Kill, to get a discussion going.  Then I considered posting a photo of my mom, back when she looked young and beautiful and full of hope.  In the end, I went to bed ignoring the subject and feeling sorry for myself. An obscure self-pity. You know the kind, if you’re a mom with teenagers or grown-up children.

I am writing a book in my head about motherhood, and the first chapter will be titled “Relax: Whatever You Do Will Be Wrong!”

The last chapter will describe The Samurai Mom™.  But first I need to bestow the Sister Wolf Samurai Award upon my friend Hammie.  She represents the essence of what being a Samurai Mom™ is all about.

Hammie rides into battle every single day. She will stay on that horse no matter what. She will battle for her children whenever necessary, fearlessly and often thanklessly.  She will battle with her children, too, since raising them involves standing up to them when it would be easier to give in or just hide under the bed.

Hammie’s two kids are autistic, which means she must be their advocate and attorney as well as their mom. She isn’t daunted by the A word, and has made it her business to uncover and celebrate the ‘other side’ of austism, i.e. the gift of the unusual mind.

She is a noble Samurai who constantly finds new ways to help her children blossom, and to cherish their successes. She finds strategies instead of complaining or seeing problems as either/or situations.  She reaches out to parents and kids who seek her wisdom or friendship.

I wish I’d had a mom like Hammie! I wish I could be a mom like Hammie. In difficult situations, mom’s could do a lot worse than ask themselves, “What would Hammie do?”

You can even go to her blog and ask her. She will not only answer, she might just send you a box of chocolate Tim Tams.

QUICK!  DROP EVERTHING!

Opening Ceremony will let you pre-order your Chloe Sevigny buckle boots if you act now! There will be no returns or exchanges, but so what, you will do as you’re told and buy these damn shoes if you know what’s good for you.

$625, but too bad, you know you need them or you’ll be hopelessly fucked and un-Chloed and a total fucking loser. Seven buckles! They laugh  in the face of your Surface 2 Air shoes.

Don’t ever say you weren’t warned.

Having been laid off from a job that paid $500 an hour, I am reduced to looking for work at craigslist.  Here is some actual correspondence from this week,  typos included, edited only to protect my identity.

Hello,

I am responding to your ad for a fashion, celebrity & lifestyle writer. I have been writing freelance for a tabloid magazine, and I write every day on my blog at http://godammit.com.

I would love to learn more about this job and look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Sister Wolf
~

You seem very talented:) I like your work.

Me and a group of social media addicts launched a web site called smaknews.com, please signup to it and tell me what you think, tell me if you see your self working there.

Then send me your rate and goals.

Looking forward working with you:)

Michael Abehsera
CEO www.SmakNews.com
~

Hey Michael,

Sure, I could come up with 50,000 posts a day for your blog….but I really am interesting in earning some money from writing, since I have my own blog.

What are you paying your writers? I need to have a weekly sum, at least 50 bucks, or I can’t put my time into it. Know what I’m saying?

Thanks for reply!

Best,
Sister Wolf
~

50 bucks a week or per article? if its per week how many articles?

Michael Abehsera
~

Well, I am a bit confused about what you’re looking for!  So many of the posts at you blog are just taken from other blogs…

Are you looking for original content? If yes, I could write a couple of posts for 50 bucks.

Could we talk on the phone about this? Just so I can get a clearer idea of what you are looking for.
~

have you heard of the term social news site?
Any ways if you look at our site thats what we are like digg, reddit etc you post news from other sources, but we also have our own content.
So I am looking for original content.
Any ways for now we have enough writers starting I will keep you info for future reference, thanks.

Michael Abehsera
~

Okay, thanks. BTW, “anyways” is not a word.

Sincerely,
Sister Wolf

Okay.  Pony fur, check.  Rhinestones, check.  Diamonds (?!), check.  Gladiator straps, check.  Absurd price, check.

Is there a worse shoe, ( not  counting this one from Topshop, which I’m sure is a little joke and not really a shoe, as such?)

A reader brought up the subject of Cher, and while I’d rather ignore her, the issue of how to age gracefully is never far from my mind.

Regarding Cher and her reprise of the see-through bodysuit, it was horrible and inappropriate the first time around (in 1992?) and it still is today. Who gives a shit if she wears it at 40, 60, or 80 years old? The woman wants to look stupid and embarrassing; She’s Cher! It’s her shtick.

The problem is, we don’t want her influencing other older women who might see this as a green light to Dress As Young as They Feel.  Let us not encourage the tragic notion that age doesn’t matter. When we see a woman who seems blind to her own folly, and I’m talking to you Madge, it’s just sad.

Vivienne Westwood has managed to carry her look into old age, in part because she’s simply a great-looking woman, and because she knows what suits her. Maybe having the hot younger husband helps as well.

But Betsey Johnson makes me feel depressed. She looks like she doesn’t get it. Is she being ironic by looking like she’s nuts, or is she sincere? Patricia Fields is scary looking, but I’m guessing she works hard at being that scary. Pam Hogg looks nuts too, and I’d still like to know how old she is. Her look seems to say, I’m a Rule Breaker, Go to Hell if You Can’t Dig Me.

Most of us, though, have to be willing to accommodate old age into our look. It’s not nice to look 18 from behind and and then give someone a heart attack when you turn around. Half the woman in L.A. are unaware of this simple rule of etiquette. I personally have asked several friends to let me know when I start committing this gaffe but I think they pity me too much to let me have it.

To tell you the truth, now that Patti Smith has dyed her graying hair, I am feeling a bit disoriented.

What is Patti’s message to me? If she’s just saying, Fuck it, Who Wants Gray Hair, then I’m on board. Women who let their hair go gray are so misguided. It’s just bad, and that’s that. They might as well go around screaming I NEED ESTROGEN! (Fine, I have screamed that at my family on a couple of occasions, but that’s because I could feel my estrogen plummeting. They didn’t even need me to tell them, apparently.)

Women whose style is always evolving will probably have the best chance of carrying off old age without evoking pity or shock. Me, I’m in for trouble. My style hasn’t changed, but old women in tight jeans tend to offend me. I’m thinking, oh god, Woodstock is over, lady.

And they’re probably thinking the same thing about me!