Becoming a Man
I was surprised to hear that Chastity Bono is changing her gender. It’s hard for me to give up the idea that Chastity was just trying to get even with her mom. It’s harder and harder to link behavior to psychology. Now we attribute everything to genetics. Good luck, Chaz!
Today I was telling a friend how an old Pearl Jam video aroused my lust for the young Eddie Vedder. If only he would fuck my fucking brains out! She knew exactly what I meant. We wondered if men feel like this 100 times a day. Isn’t that what “studies” say?
I wish I could be a man for a couple of hours, just to know what it’s like. Here’s how I imagine it.
~
Okay, wow, I’m a guy! This is so weird. Where’s my dick? Is it okay? Is it really okay? Is it big enough? I hope so. I hope it’s bigger than every other dick, or at least not smaller.
Oooh, there’s a chick. Look at those boobs! And she’s got a vagina! I wonder what it looks like! They’re all different, like snowflakes. I have to see as many as possible. How can I get access to that one?
Never mind, there goes another chick. Ugh, no thanks. I hate the fat ones. Take it away!
Hm, that guy has a nicer car. I hope my dick is bigger than his. Is my dick okay? Is it protected from everything? I wish I could feel it right now.
Oh now, my girlfriend is texting me. Why do they always need to talk? Why do I have to listen and comment on every little thing that pops into her head! Christ. This is torture. I just want to go back to what I was doing, but she needs to “communicate.”
I wonder what the score is? I wish I knew which team is ahead. Is there another guy around somewhere? He’ll know. Man, those Lakers! What a game. Too bad the season’s over, though. Wait. Is my dick okay?
I think I’ll listen to some Clapton. Or maybe Coltrane. Boy, another beer would be great. Is my dick okay? I hope so. How can I get a blowjob? I’d give anything….On no. It’s the girlfriend and she wants to talk. She’s ruining the Clapton solo. Damn her. I hope this will end in a blowjob. Is my dick okay?
June 17th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
i don’t think i could function if that was how i actually thought. i’d spend too much time laughing uncontrollably at myself. is my dick okay, indeed. i kinda do want a blowjob though. you got atleast that much right.
p.s. sports are boring, unless there is bloodshed. or explosions.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:21 am
ignorance is bliss…
June 18th, 2009 at 4:37 am
godammit your funny
June 18th, 2009 at 5:00 am
dewayne, I wonder if you are related to my husband?…
)
I love this post sister, you’re funny as fuck!
June 18th, 2009 at 5:20 am
THANK YOU for joining me with your lust for the late 80s/early 90s Eddie Vedder, before he became mired in politics and tried unsuccessfully to get Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn back together! Eh, who am I kidding. I still want him to fuck my fucking brains out. I bet HIS dick is okay!
June 18th, 2009 at 6:13 am
You’ve been interviewing my husband, haven’t you?!
June 18th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Spot-on! I absolutely recognize myself, except that long guitar solos bore me to death and I consider watching sports waste of time. Last time I tried to watch football I couldn’t help thinking that the 2×45 minutes could have been used much better on meditating on my dick and tending to its well-being.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:38 am
GENIUS!
June 18th, 2009 at 6:53 am
You are pretty spot on except for all the worrying if my dick is all right. The only thing I worry about with my dick is when I will get to use it next.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Well Sister Wolf, now that you are imagining yourself with a dick, you’ve got me feeling all terrible and all for you. While I can’t promise you mine’s the biggest, I can tell you it’s an enthusiastic dick. Enthusiastic enough that I’d share it with ya.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Your post is better than my morning coffee! It made me laugh out loud! I’m so glad I don’t have a dick to worry about every, what is it, 8 out of 10 minutes per day.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I think that’s how Cristiano Ronaldo thinks. Oh that Eddie Vedder. Although I prefer the nerdy stylings of his guitarist, Stone Gossard. Hilarious post!
June 18th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Mock not the phallus
Proud staff of life
Friend to the maiden
Foe to the wife
Portable solace
Inciter of strife
The bridge between genders
But rarely works twice
Noble propagator
Generator of vice
Pee pipe and tube steak
Cornucopia of delights
Intrusive and demanding
But occasionally feels nice
(But hardly a substitute ..for your bedside device)
Vixens.. Salute your creator!
..Are worship and adoration too much to ask once a month or so?
June 18th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
hahahahahaahaaaa! “mock not the phallus” sounds biblical…like a commandment, even.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
dewayne – I hope you got one. (ps I used to like baseball…but that was then.)
dust – Probably.
dawny – xo
sam – dewayne is a ball of molten rage.
Ann – HAHAHAHA!
Jill – I wish.
Juri – You are what we call Man 2.0 !
WendyB – !!!
Rudy – Same same but different.
JK – Everyone likes enthusiasm!
Deni – I’m too busy worrying about my hair.
Bex- Eddie! Eddie! Can he hear me?
Dexter- Not mocking….sympathizing!
dewayne – hahahhaa! it does. I don’t believe in commandments, though.
June 19th, 2009 at 12:27 am
LMAO that is brilliant!
I’m assuming the penile checks are accompanied by manual shifting & checking also for full authenticity.
June 19th, 2009 at 12:51 am
Scarily accurate, as it happens. Sexist, but accurate – thus canceling out the sexism.
June 19th, 2009 at 3:07 am
Sister Wolf you are divine. men do think like that, but some men think more about the vagina, the creamy quim, than the dick. And how the dick will fit. That’s the trick, that’s where the mundane meets the most holy. The slippery host. To paraphrase Johnny Cochran, “If the slit fits, you must deeply dip.” Worship your worship.
June 19th, 2009 at 4:04 am
[...] 2. GODDAMIT I’M MAD – Becoming a Man [...]
June 19th, 2009 at 5:29 am
Genitals are the reason we are all here.
Yet we are an ungrateful bunch and show little reverence. For when angered we hiss, “You prick..” or “You cunt!”
(No one ever screams “You pancreas” or “You spleen.. you isles of langerhans.”)
Instead of being sexists we are organists.
Is that your prefrontal lobe.. or are you just glad to see me?
June 19th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Dexter is way cool!
June 19th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Dexter is way too cool. Now, I will rant, “You descending colon!” or perhaps “You stinking corpos callosum!” What about, “Go epinephrine yourself”?
June 19th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
i don’t believe in commandments either, but that would certainly fit right in with the other kids.
i hope i got one as well, because if it happened, i don’t remember…and i haven’t drank at all since then. alien abduction oral?
yes, please!
June 19th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Mind, I’m not too enthusiastic about any additional Commandments either but I suppose maybe some Baptists are:
http://bpnews.net/BPnews.asp?ID=30700
How would one phrase it? “The 11th is – Down on thine knees and worship.”
I’m no authority on this of course, this came from the Baptists. I’m Presbyterian.
June 20th, 2009 at 12:32 am
Dena – I share this assumption.
Swineshead – Oh, I forgot to mention that I’m sexist!
slimeylimey – Could we call it a “minge” or “fanny?”
Dexter – We use those words because they represent things that are imbued with power and mystery…terror, desire, guilt, ecstasy. Pancreas just wouldn’t work.
Jill – Watch out for him.
Deni – Colon is a great word. I plan to use it more in everyday speech.
dewayne- We are beaming you up now. Assume the position….
JK- Holy Christ! What a story!
June 20th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Yes Sister, quite a story. Unfortunately (it would seem) the Baptist Press seems to have realized some sort of mistake and now the link doesn’t work. So – as a “public service:”
http://www.arktimes.com/blogs/arkansasblog/2009/06/sex_and_the_baptists.aspx
June 20th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Do these pants make my dick look fat ???
8¬}D-
June 21st, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Sardonique – Hahahahaha!
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Love your thoughts on what it would be like to be a man! But I kinda feel sorry for Chastity, I hope this makes her happy. (I’m having a sappy menopausal day.)
Cheers!
Suzanne