Archive for July, 2009

The Essence of Hipsterism

Friday, July 31st, 2009

hovey-sisters

The problem with Hipsters is that everything they love becomes kitsch. Hipsters in Williamsburg NY have so violated the neighborhood that Danny Hoch wrote a play about it.

The New Hipsters are “looking for an authentic experience.” They LOVE “authenticity.” They love to collect stuff, the older the better. Victorian, Edwardian, even old Americana will do. They love Amish shit, as you can imagine. It’s not only authentic, it’s “honest.”

The first time I happened upon a person called Hollister Hovey, I was severely traumatized. (See her living room, above.) I couldn’t even pull myself together to rant about her. It’s not PC to complain about Hollister Hovey, whose very name is intolerable. You have to gush about how chic and wonderful she is, with her eccentric collections of old leather hunting helmets, battered old luggage, vintage military crap, hatboxes, and most annoying, her taxidermy.

Taxidermy is officially kitsch, thanks to Hollister. What used to be creepy and morbidly fascinating is just crap now. There’s probably no hipster apartment anywhere that lacks a mounted animal head or at least some antlers.

Some Hipster in Brooklyn named Sean Crowley collects English and French umbrellas from the 30s and 40s.   His apartment is filled with old heraldic devices and Edwardian portraits. He really needs to learn from Hollister though, since he hasn’t managed to fill every inch of his dwelling with pretentious clutter.

more-hollister-crap

Old medical crap is essential to any Hipster’s very being. Vintage anatomical posters, old dental equipment, a Hipster would kill its own grandmother to get at her vintage dentures.

I remember that someone came up with the term Bobos (short for Bourgeois Bohemians) to depict a certain brand of Hipster.   The New Hipster is different, in that instead of bragging about their Prius they brag about their stuffed flamingo.

If you can’t learn to hate them, I might have to offer a course in Remedial Hatred.   I have to master the video thing first, though.

First Sister Wolf Video!

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

Figuring out how to make a video at my sister’s house. A masterpiece!

UPDATE   9/18/09:   Video removed due to sisterly objections.

Is This Hideous Enough?

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

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I have to say that this fur vest actually scared the shit out of me.

It’s the Haute Hippie Mongolian Vest, $895.   It’s “the look of the season” so steel yourself.   Why would anyone want to buy this, except to scare people?

Help me understand the buyer at Saks.   She must have been thinking “This vest will appeal to ______________________ because _________________________.”

Mrs. Palin Was a Hoochie!

Monday, July 27th, 2009

Back in 1995, Mrs. Palin was a real hoochie, as you can see in this video. Lots of eyeliner, big hoop earrings, snapping her gum, she almost looks like a chola, and that is a huge complement.   No wonder she’s such a mean-spirited bitch! Losing your youth is a hard pill to swallow.

What I like even more about this video is Todd’s face. He appears to have some rugged pitted acne scars, which are now missing. Has anyone researched the missing acne scars??

I think it’s time to add Todd’s Face-gate to the Babygate, Housegate and Troopergate inquiries.

Starving vs Force-feeding

Monday, July 27th, 2009

eat-please-alexa-chung

Alexa Chung is rocking some fierce and super-coveted Acne wedges, but nobody seems to notice that she’s starving. Why won’t Alexa eat?

The question is rhetorical. I know why. Been there, refused to eat that. Alexa probably looks in the mirror and sees nothing but fat.

On the other hand, in Mauritania, girls are still force-fed in order to procure a husband in a culture that regards obesity as socially desirable. This tradition, called leblouh, is literally torture.

leblouh

This is some fucked up shit, isn’t it?   Two cultures, two ways to subjugate women.

The Real Housewives of Venice

Sunday, July 26th, 2009

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Last night some time after midnight, while trying to figure out why I was watching a show called “Miami Social” since I can never remember who the characters are or which ones are the more offensive, I was rudely interrupted by police helicopters circling over my house.

It became so noisy that my husband looked outside and said there were police cars in the street, flashing lights and talking on their radios.

For the next 3 hours,   the helicopters circled and every so often a directive was given through a bullhorn, like “You have one minute to come out and put down your weapons.” This particular announcement was really exciting as I watched through my front window. I complained to my husband, “Now they need to follow up with a consequence!” As every parent knows, you can’t just issue a One Minute threat and then not deliver. It’s just bad behaviorism.

I called the LAPD early on in this adventure to ask what was going on, and was told that the cops were looking for a suspect in a domestic violence incident. Today, I’d like to know if they caught the suspect or if he’s hiding in my garage.

Anyway, after narrating the action to my husband, screaming “Ooooh, girl, there are 3, no 4 cops at the door over there! Break in the door! Go in there!” I finally gave up and went to look at my YSL Rive Gauche sequin top that I just got at my neighbor hood thrift store.

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No police action can stop the hoarding and modeling at the Sister Wolf household. That’s just life in Venice.   The show must go on.

This top is really amazing, must more impressive in person. It zips up the side for a perfect snug fit, and there are little zippers at the cuffs too. One of the shoulders opens with tiny concealed snaps under the gold epaulettes.   There’s a chevron beaded design among all the sequins, and the lining is silk.

Here are the options (assuming the suspect isn’t in my garage and doesn’t kill me) –
1. I can list this top on eBay
2. I can keep it.

If   I keep it, what would I wear it with?!? And since I have nowhere to go, why would I wear it?

Okay, I’m ending this episode with a cliffhanger. Please advise.

The Dregs of the Dregs of Reality TV

Saturday, July 25th, 2009

watch-what-happens

My husband discovered a new show for us to watch late at night, now that we’ve developed the habit of following Reality TV so we can jeer at stupid idiots and feel infinitely superior. “Watch What Happens Live” is like something your TV would watch if it could hold the remote.

A TV show about the denizens of Reality TV (and notice how I was moved to use the word ‘denizons’ as an homage to awfulness!) is like the end of civilization. TV cannibalizing itself is surely the end of the road, at least the road as we know it. What’s left? Two commercials interviewing each other?

So anyway, this guy named Andy Cohen sits around getting drunk with his guests, and shows promos of various Housewife Reunions. Last night I saw some Atlanta Housewives screaming and threatening each other and it was very exciting. I only caught a couple of the Atlanta shows, so I was very intrigued by the animosity between a big obnoxious tranny named Kim and a poor alcoholic woman called NeNe (sp?) Fucking fantastic!

Then, Andy asked his guest, Isaac Mizrahi, which of them was the gayest. Whoa! Complete toss-up, as Kelly Ripa concurred, whoever she is. Andy also asked Isaac which of them was more Jewish!   My husband and I looked at each other in amazement and delight: Two Jewish fags sitting around drinking and talking shit!

Where the fuck is my Reality show?!?!? An angry depressed unemployed Venice Housewife, getting in fights with the whole world….I could invite my gays and talk shit about other bloggers! I would even drink, if necessary.

Two Ways to Honor Michael Jackson

Saturday, July 25th, 2009

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One way is to buy this jacket (now available in white) from BB Dakota. $79

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Or, you can wear this air-brushed t-shirt with little black rhinestones on the fro (!), even though your husband always asks “Who’s that supposed to be?” every time you’ve worn it over the last 15 years.

But What Will Prostitutes Wear?

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

rumer-2-point-0

Here is the KEY LOOK for Fall, modeled by Shopbop’s new model, Rumer 2.0, featuring the all important shaggy fur jacket. Yes, this is the very same faux fur immortalized by Sea of Shoes and Her Mom in Vogue magazine! I’ll wait here while you race to order it from Intermix.

Okay, are you back? So, the aim for Fall is to look like a 70’s era hooker. Pretend you’re an extra in Taxi Driver. It’s all about trashy fierceness.   Be sure to throw in something sequined, “from super shiny to uber-destroyed.”

Torn, shredded skinnies topped with more torn crap:   “As you move into fall you will need to upgrade from your ripped, ravaged and shredded tee to the sweater version of this red hot trend. Kimberly Ovitz creates it here for you in a relatively heavy sweater knit. In black.”

shredded-kimberly-ovitz

Thanks, Kimberly! $795 at Intermix.

We’re almost done! Once you’ve got the fierce skinnies, studded boots, ripped l——s, military jacket, fake fur and layers of boyfriend t-shirts, PILE ON some twisted up chain necklaces with fun amulets like daggers, skulls, talons, and the kitchen sink. Here’s a good prototype, by Fallon, $145.

hells-angels-neclace-145

Now you’re ready to hit the streets, with or without your pimp. WAIT, did I forget to say leather?!? Sorry. Leather leather leather leather. Biker leather, asymetrical leather, studded leather, moto leather, leather leather.

Mrs. Palin: Getting Her Back to Shiny

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

young-sarah-and-tod

Mrs. Palin’s longtime hair stylist, Jessica Steele, is in deep shit.

After telling the New York Times that Mrs. P’s hair was thinning and needed emergency help, she retracted this bombshell on Twitter, obviously afraid for her life and the safety of her family.

Not wishing to be busted for running a meth lab, Ms. Steele now tells the Boston Globe that the real emergency re Palin’s hair is that it had lost its shine.

I think [it’s] the combination of traveling and just being down there in the lower 48. We needed to get her back to shiny.’

She reveals that she trimmed Mrs. Palin’s hair and then “kicked up’’ her shampoo and conditioner a notch.

According to Ms. Steele, who will have to retract this ASAP if she knows what’s good for her, Mrs. Palin left the salon with a bottle of shampoo and conditioner by the elitist socialist brand Pureology, at $48 each.

Looking into our Magic PAP-Smear Crystal Ball , I see trouble brewing for everyone concerned in this Hairgate fiasco.     Mrs. P will not be able to justify spending that kind of money on hair products to those real Americans who share her real American values and want to progress this great country with its vast energy resources and healthy salmon, etc etc.

She will have to either blame this on her PAC fund or maybe on some blogger just sittin’ home in their stained undershirt [I was described this way be a conservative blog that didn’t like my use of the word “cunt’ for some reason.)

Or Jessica Steele will mysteriously disappear. Run, Jessica Steele, run like the wind!

While we await the next Hairgate development, let us enjoy the fact that Pureology proudly supports Global Green USA, good friends of the Sister Wolf family who operate under the assumption that global warming actually exists and isn’t just a Liberal Media concoction like evolution.

On an even more personal note: Haha Mrs. Palin, I live in one of the lower 48 and my hair is shiny AND thick!