I didn’t see the whole show but so what, I’m still doing the Exegesis.
The best thing this year was Kanye West fucking up Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. Yes, it was rude, and why not? Taylor Swift is a godawful singer and has made me sick ever since the knowledge of her existence was thrust upon me during an episode of Saturday Night Live. A tall giraffe of a girl with stupid ringlets and inappropriate lipstick, she bleats out her songs in a strained voice that makes my throat constrict in sympathy while wielding an over-sized guitar and playing up to the pederasts in the audience by kneeling down on the floor and flipping her head around.
Yay for Kanye West! He loves to make a scene at awards shows, and he couldn’t have picked a better victim to mess with. Ever since he told the American people on live TV that George Bush doesn’t care about black people, Kanye has been my hero. Tonight, he won my appreciation for making that big awful girl shut the hell up.
Beyonce’s performance was fantastic. Her legs were bigger than ever, in her never-ending tribute to My Little Pony. Pink was especially androgynous as she demonstrated her acrobatic prowess during a torch song about a bad relationship. Her boob was out but covered by a nice pasty.
Jay Z performed a rap song while his pants fell down, and Alicia Keyes appeared to understand why he is a star, much to my confusion. When I remarked to my husband that Alicia is gay, he snapped at me, even though it’s not my fault.
Lady Gaga looked ridiculous and thanked “the gays.” Do they like to be called The Gays? You would think she has learned the protocol by now.
Let’s see, what else? Green Day was embarrassing, Janet Jackson looked fierce, and Russel Brand feels no shame about his shapeless flabby arms, which he flailed around to no good effect.
That’s all I remember. Let me know if I forgot anything important.