You Won’t Even Believe This

bran

Let me begin with I’m Sorry, because I really am. This blog has devolved into a tale of woe that is much too personal but still not personal enough.   Try to bear with me.

I broke my fucking hip. I KNOW it’s not a good time to break my hip. That didn’t stop me. It was dark outside and I tripped and fell on the concrete driveway. I knew something was broken but I waited a few minutes before admitting that I needed an ambulance. In fact, I think I was pretty businesslike, given the pain and horror.

A broken hip hurts so much, you have no idea until you have one. It is agony. For the first couple of hours, I begged everyone not to hurt me. “Please don’t hurt me!” and “Please don’t let anyone hurt me!” over and over. An ER nurse named Debbie and an ex-ray guy did their best to help. Thanks Debbie and ex-ray guy!

The ER doctor told me that I needed surgery. When I pleaded with him, he told me that it was a really “bad” break and that’s why my leg looked “two inches shorter than the other one.” I still don’t know what he was talking about but he gets zero points for bedside manner.

I will try to cut to the chase. It’s five days later and I’m home. The pain is still off the chart but I’m supposed to try to keep moving. I think there are nails and screws in my hip/leg but oh well.

I will let you in on a little secret. All anyone cares about in the hospital are bowel movements. People want you to have one. Patients in other rooms are desperate to have one. I had a little notice board in my room with a list of 3 goals for the day.   Bowel Movement was number 3, after Reduce Pain and Try to Move.

I hope that no one reading this ever has to endure a broken hip, even if I hate you. Please be careful! Take calcium, too.   Max is doing well and I told him that lots of people were sending prayers and Good Thoughts. I know I can count on you to keep up the good work for him while I recover. xo

Tags: , ,

60 Responses to “You Won’t Even Believe This”

  1. JK Says:

    Remember Sister,

    To get that calcium absorbed you need vitamin D too.

    (I can’t help it) a good source is cod liver oil.

  2. Sarah.p Says:

    I actually don’t believe it: i mean i really don’t. Can the universe not cut you a fucking break now?! I think you’re using up your crappiness quotient for your whole life and after this it’s going to be nothing but candyfloss and rainbows. I’m so sorry. But also really glad the wolf-cub is mending. Sister! Be good to yourself! Get lots of calcium by drinking white russians! We need you in our lives! X x x

  3. Make Do Style Says:

    Oh Sister Wolf I’m so upset you poor thing – really and truly I’m so upset for you. Too much concern and worry on your shoulders. Lots of love to both you and Max xxx

  4. dexter vandango Says:

    You deserve more than a few laughs as you regain your strength and your sanity.

    I just reread Portnoy’s Complaint. It will more than do the trick. Get hubby to get you a copy.

  5. David Duff Says:

    There’s always an upside. From now on, every time you fly make sure your hair and make-up are perfect and that you are wearing your flashiest outfit because with all those nuts and bolts inside you everytime you go through one of those security scanner machines you are going to set off every alarm in the terminal! (Well, there’s no such thing as bad publicity!)

    More seriously, I am not the praying type but deeply felt best wishes are crossing the Atlantic even as I write.

  6. David Duff Says:

    The ‘Memsahib’, who also sends her very best wishes, being quicker than me wondered which pair of high-heel shoes you were wearing? I mean, a fall from those sort of heights could have been fatal!

  7. JimmyP Says:

    Sister W – I have the deepest sympathy for your bone and metal experience as I had a knee done a couple of years back. You won’t be short of advice but here’s some more anyway: take it easy and gradual and do exactly what the physio tells you to and do it twice. My thoughts of deepest analgesia are with you.

    The cod liver oil is a good tip… and it helps with bowel movements as well.

    yrs
    Dr Benway.

  8. Bevitron Says:

    I’m SO glad your son is better — I will slack off on the worry a little tad. But now this — SHIT! And that’s an order! When my bowels and I did hard time in the hospital a couple of years ago, I was monitored for the Big Fart, then the Big Poop. It was an event, I tell you. So I’ll send good thoughts to your son AND to your trochanters or whatever they call those knobby bone things and to your entire six feet of colon — may it peristalse fiercely. But only if you want it to, of course. Oh yeah, the “Reduce Pain” and “Try to Move” things seem mutually exclusive, huh?

  9. Moda Says:

    Jeezo Sister Wolf! That sucks so badly. I’m so glad that Max is doing well, that’s a weight off your mind at least. Fuckin hospitals. Fuckin broken hip?! Just hang in there. I know you’ll do it anyway. I’m still sending strength, love and the best vibes that I’ve got to you and your family from Scotland. We love you.

  10. tor (fabfrocks) Says:

    Thoughts to you, your son, and your bowels. x

  11. Jillian Says:

    So sorry, Sister Wolf. What a shitty thing to happen. I hope you, as well as Max, on both on your way to recovery. You did hear that Susan Atkins died, right? I hope that brought a smile to your face.

  12. honeypants Says:

    Ahhhhh!!! You need to stop breaking yourself! It couldn’t have been more than 2 years ago that you broke your pelvis! Are you hoping for some sort of bionic replacements down there?

    I am so sorry! This will be the year no one in your family ever forgets. All my love, and if the universe will allow me to donate some of my good karma to you, then that too.

    2010 – A better year for Wolfs (Wolves?)!!!

  13. andrea Says:

    I am SO glad that you are home!!! Since it’s the beginning of the Jewish new year, I wish you a happy and a healthy year for yourself and for all those in your family. (Even if you’re not Jewish or observant- it can’t hurt).
    Don’t forget to put on your lipstick every day so you know that you are still your tough self, albeit one with a broken hip. I guess I should also say you should take calcium supplements (with Vitamin D) and eat foods that are rich in calcium (dairy products, green leafy vegetables, broccoli, enriched cereals- yum!) xoxo

  14. andrea Says:

    Oh, and two more things- don’t like the pain pills too much, and, did you move your bowels today??

  15. TobiLynne Says:

    Damn, Sister! Glad your young Wolf is getting better, but sorry to hear about your hip.

  16. Jill Says:

    No more martinis! From now on it’s milk, cod liver oil and vodka. Sounds yummy! Actually the visual isn’t doin’ it for me!

  17. Danielle Says:

    Holy shit, Sister! That’s AWFUL. I hope you’re doing better! xox

  18. Sal Says:

    Sister, NO! What the hell is going on in the universe that you and your fam are getting this awful dump of health badness? Maximum hugs comin’ at ya over the Interwebs … and these are the delicate, shoulders-only kind so they won’t disturb your poor hip.

  19. arline Says:

    Heal fast Sister! I hate that you have had to experience so much hospital life.

    I hope your pain subsides, and you can move freely soon.

    We miss you!

  20. K-Line Says:

    Jesus, you are having a miserable month! And this after you broke your pelvis last year… I’m so sorry to hear this and I’m wishing you healthy bones and good healing potential. It’s always when we’re stressed beyond belief that these kinds of things happen. xo

  21. Winter Bird Says:

    Pharmaceuticals are the only way to go. 1 Oxycodone chased with a shot of Jamison got me through 2 surgical procedures. I hope and pray for speedy recoveries for both you and Max.

  22. jools Says:

    Argh!!!!!!!!!!! No!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so sorry! Do people understand the motivation not to take the pain pills which turn a simple bm into a freaking BOULDER?! I can’t imagine trying to sit.?! Horrors!
    No simple calcium will do. My fosomax is sitting untouched in the cabinet. (fear of reflux) I’ll give it a go.
    Thank every good thing in the world that Max is better.
    And I will return your words that truly comforted me “It will get better-I promise.” All my love to you and your family, xoxo, j.

  23. Ann Says:

    Pardon my language, but WHAT THE FUCK, you broke your hip?! Are you shitting me? This cannot be for real. I am incredulous. I cannot fathom the pain you are in, nor can I fathom why this has happened.

    I’m so sorry. I love you very much and will double up on the positive thoughts for both you and Max.

  24. Iheartfashion Says:

    OH NO. I’m so sorry for your pain, Sister! I haven’t had a broken hip but I’ve had one replaced and IT HURT. Reduce Pain and Try To Move are still my goals every day.
    Glad to hear that Max is recuperating though. Take care of yourself!
    xoxo
    Janet

  25. fashion herald Says:

    So the gods took the hip, damn the greedy higher powers. I’m so, so sorry you are in pain and dealing with this right now, or ever!! But wonderful news about your Max, was thinking about you all weekend and hoping he was better.

  26. Alicia Says:

    This is so unfair and it sucks donkey balls.

    Try not to get too attached to painkillers and I hear drinking lots of water makes for good…movements…

    My thoughts are with you both.

  27. OMGGMAB Says:

    Sister, I am verklempt by this news as I look up to the cosmos and say “enough already!” Very pleased that Young Wolf’s recovery has taken a positive turn. Looks like he’ll need to help take care of you when he’s able.

    Meanwhile, I don’t recommend cod liver oil as it is generally disgusting. Some essential fatty acids from fish oil tabs is fine (less tendency to urp up yuck.) Yes calcium with Vit. D. And to boost the calcium, I agree, some half and half or even heavy cream with alcoholic enhancement is absolutely necessary.

    Sending you good thoughts of super quick recovery and the desire to continue guiding your blog wolf pups in the art of scintillating hostility.

  28. David Duff Says:

    “the art of scintillating hostility.”

    I like that!

  29. Suebob Says:

    No way! Was it the same one as last time? How much does that suck! I am so sorry.

  30. Charlotte K Says:

    So so sorry to hear this. I hope you feel better soon.

    And you are still hilariously funny in the midst of all your pain, and that is something.

  31. Deni Says:

    Glad to see you back here. When you don’t post I worry like hell, and then I must track you down. I’m sending blessings to both of you. Now, get off the computer and go back to rest or rehabilitation. Stop the coffee, eat the spinach, and buy shoes with rubber soles!
    P.S. Psyllium and flax seed (anything high fiber) do wonders for goal number 3. (Stay away from the whites: flour, sugar, salt, rice . . .ya, ya, I know it’s no fun, but boring ain’t so bad in the long run.)
    Lots of love, me

  32. alittlelux Says:

    oh no! ok well i have a giant blow up pool, three incredibly fluffy cute bunnies, and an assortment of baked goods and little debbie snacks that can be ready to cheer you up at a moment’s notice. i’m so sorry you are hurt, but glad max is doing better. miss you and wishing you a speedy recovery! let me know if you need anything…

  33. sam Says:

    Geez oh girl, what crap befalls you!
    …………..erm, a supository does wonders m’dear, but don’t forget to turn around and abuse the sucker when it finally leaves your body!
    I’m very glad Max is on the mend.
    x

  34. judy aldridge Says:

    Sister Wolf–I was worried about you. This is just terrible–speedy healing to you and your cub.

  35. ali Says:

    holy shit. well- i just got acl repair surgery on friday…so im in the pathetic camp too (but im definitely not in as much pain as you.)

    Life is sometimes comically un-fortuitous. But at least you have great hair, right?

    A friend of mine recently became paralyzed from the chest down from suffering the EXACT accident that I had that tore my acl (cliff diving.) It happened to him about a month after it happened to me. Its simply impossible for me to pity myself now. Thank god. Its my second ACL surgery this year…and the discipline necessary for recovery now comes easy to me because I just think of every careful step I take as a dedication. He is a hilarious, sarcastic and active dude. He is currently doing rehab so that he can wiggle his fingers. For the first time in my life I feel like I need to take care of my body. I don’t feel immortal anymore.

    Anyway, I guess what im saying is that Im sending more good karma your way. Also to max. A while ago when you posted about his music, I listened to a bit of it. cool kid.

    I really hope he is not in my friend’s situation. Thats all I can think about when I read your blog. Probably not. But even so, Im sure he has a lot of rehab ahead of him.

    Good luck to you and good luck to him, respectively.

  36. HelOnWheels Says:

    The Universe has the crappiest sense of humor in the history of…uhm…well…the universe. I’m so sorry, SW, for all these unfortunate events. It’s unfair and it sucks and you deserve better. I hope that you and the wolf-cub mend quickly. Sending healing thoughts to you and yours.

  37. WendyB Says:

    Damn, girl! If you were a celebrity, I’d be convinced that you made this all up for attention. I’d be thinking, “Oh, she’s promoting a movie.” But I’d be wrong. Because actual celebs are too busy reading Goethe to do such things.

    Feel better soon!

  38. marie Says:

    well, shit. thank you for the apology. i guess you have a resonable excuse. add to the above outpouring my continued love to you and yours.

  39. marie Says:

    p.s. – you can find some pithy comic reading at edith zimmerman’s blog, if you haven’t found it already: http://www.edithzimmerman.com/blog/

  40. Stephanie Says:

    Oh my god, I’m so sorry! You’ve had so much going on lately – take care!

  41. Aja Says:

    Laughing at Wendy B! Good grief, I knew something shitty had happened when you disappeared for so long. I wish I lived within a close distance to offer you any errand running or a home cooked meal (which would probably give you food poisoning because everyone knows I can’t cook worth shit). Thinking about you and hoping you heal properly with two legs of equal proportion. Xoxo.

  42. JK Says:

    Oh my dear dear Sister Wolf,

    Don’t you see how much we all care for you? We all mention “shit.” Some mention “banal” some speak analgesics and Duff admits to an admiration of “scintilatting hostility.”

    I’m proud of course to get cod live oil in first but crap – it’s part of absorbing your calcium as well as my best wishes to you and yours.

    I’ve seen mention of “greens” of course but I don’t think the smoking sort was meant. Just from demographics I’d suggest leafy spinach, broccoli, collard and turnip greens – and, despite the “urp factor” cod liver oil.

    Smooth moves Sister Wolf – we’re counting on you for daily reports.

    What friends you’re blessed with.

  43. hammie Says:

    What the fuck? Glad jnr wolf is bettering but What the fucking Fuck girl??

    xx

  44. Sonia Luna Says:

    What timing!?! So sorry, I hope you’ll get better soon!

  45. slownews Says:

    Now it’s official. This blog could NOT be named any more appropriately. Are you in the same hospital as little wolf? Do you wheel down the hall to visit each other, gripe about your pain, and tell mean stories about the nurses? Best wishes for a speedy recovery to you both.

  46. Suzanne aka Punk Glam Queen Says:

    Ouch! I hope you are mending quickly — in the interim make sure you take the “good” pain medicine! (;
    Cheers!
    Suzanne

  47. dust Says:

    May another well curated collection of love go your way!

    Dutch hospitals are very egalitarian, last time I was in one they put me in the room with 3 old men ( all senile/plants). There was no standard diabetic diet on the menu?!I was given raisins and rice-in-milk daily, two things that are on the top of no-go list?! The bill for 4 days was 5.000 euro’s, I was non-European student without working license. So, you’re not that bad…
    Kisses!!!!

  48. Christina Says:

    Best of luck and quick recovery!

  49. kate Says:

    oh Sister Wolf – this is awful – you poor poor thing! prayers etc again wing their way to you from across the ocean xxx

  50. skye Says:

    Annus (or should that be Anus) Horribilis!

    If this is in any way of use to you, my mother was up hobbling around pretty quickly and skipping along not too long after. Of course she didn’t have an Wolf Jnr stress to deal with, glad to hear he is doing well.

    xx

  51. Andra Says:

    One more and you’re for the knackers’ yard!
    And furthermore, what about brought and bought? Not even the hallowed ABC newsreaders know the difference any more.
    Poop!

  52. ali Says:

    dear sister wolf.
    A while ago you inspired a penis mania in me (by posting about the VW penis pendant.) The more I thought about and wrote blog entries about penises, the more I couldn’t stop thinking about them. So I finally wrote a poem about it today…and I hope it amuses you for 2 minutes.

    Junk (first draft)
    I am a woman obsessed by the rod:
    Possessed by countless questions
    About man’s pervasive penis relationship.

    The salty dog is always god,
    To me, a most mysterious meaty log.
    a highly covetable instrument.

    Today I researched names on the net:
    The Firm Worm!
    The Kerouwacker!
    The Meat Maelstrom!

    Boobs are just girls.
    The Girls
    Apples
    Lady Pillows

    I constantly grapple with the concept
    Of having a “skin flute”

    Yes. My womb can bare “Fruit”
    And I can wear a pantsuit
    I can even give my man “the boot”
    Happiness is an available pursuit…

    But don’t you wonder too?

    What would you do with it?
    Would you be proud of its size-
    Or if it was little, despise it?

    I haven’t decided.

    …Do hands and feet really compare?
    Do the smallest boys ceaselessly despair?

    I once read in a title called,
    “The Monthly Rag”
    that some girls pack.

    Pack what?

    Heat?
    Socks in their crotches?

    My mind wandered.
    Do they pack ideas and delusions
    Or dildos or small potpourri pillows?

    Are they proud of their static bulge?
    The way a four year old boy is?

    Once I was a ten year old girl
    And once I grasped a baseball bat
    To my pelvis, swiveling my hips
    like a prepubescent blonde Elvis.

    It was fun!
    The attention garnered by the gun
    Is not to be outdone.

    In Tarot,
    The masculine suit is “The Sword”
    And the spiritual suit, “The Wand”
    Combined, this makes man’s dick the fighting divine.

    Mine to manipulate, but never to wield.
    The Womyn say this must be appealed!

    Let it be understood that
    I’ll never (forcibly) kneel.
    But I am relieved to be free
    From the one eyed eel’s
    Unpredictable pressures.

    (Though if I weren’t,
    Who even listens to a feminist’s lectures?)

  53. Stella Mayfair Says:

    oh no no no! that’s horrible! heal at the speed of light, sister wolf!

  54. Jenny Dunville Says:

    Sister,
    I’m beaming you much strength & healing power. While I cannot be without your column, first & foremost you need to heal (Max too). So be selfish & patient, take good care of yourself & give a hug to your son.

  55. Mark Says:

    I blame Sarah Palin for all this. I really do.

  56. David Duff Says:

    Bloody hell, Mark, don’t tell me ‘Sis’ was shot from a helicopter!

  57. Deni Says:

    Ali , I love your “Junk” penis poem. Mark, I agree 100% that it was Palin’s fault. Let’s send her the medical bills!. Sister Wolf and for Cub Wolf too, I’m sending healing thoughts!

  58. Dollybird Says:

    Dear Sister Wolf,
    So sorry for your troubles, Man that sounds PAINFUL a broken hip Jesus, Mary and Joesph!!

    I nearly shit myself when I recently googled my name to see some replies I sent you were gone Global so I must use my brain and my nick name in future . Love and light from Dollybird
    I swear I wasn’t so stupid before I had the babies.
    (formerly Antoinette )

  59. dexter vandango Says:

    Ali’s poem is all that a poem should be:

    Searching, heartfelt, entertaining, marveling.

    I shall treat my “wand” with more respect in in the future and not so readily turn it over to the hands of the more clumsy and less inspired sort of woman.

  60. Gail Stoop Says:

    Nice to be visiting your weblog again, it may be months for me. Well this article that i’ve been waited for so long. I need this post to total my assignment in the college, and it has exact same topic with your article. Many thanks, excellent write about.

Leave a Reply