Archive for December, 2009

Good Riddance to 2009!

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

The only thing good to say about 2009 is that it’s finally ending. What an awful year it’s been.

Please join me and Sea and Ronald in hoping for a brand new start in 2010! If you don’t already have an Asian-ish gay friend, may you acquire one in the year ahead!

Love and blessings to all,
Sister Wolf


Oooh, Demi Has a Lawyer!

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

demibeforeafter

Demi Moore has a lawyer and she’s not afraid to use him. She is threatening to sue the Internet for daring to accuse her of being photoshopped on the cover of W magazine. You can read her lawyer’s letter here.

Why does this woman get to be such an idiot?! Why doesn’t she have something better to do? Why are rich people so fucking delusional?

I’m sick of this bitch. I’m tired of her face, her child husband and her bad movies. I’m suing her ass.

Dear Mr Singer,

My client, Myself, is putting you on notice that unless your client, Ms. Moore, stops being a public nuisance, we will see you in court. My client has a right under the US Constitution to ‘the pursuit of happiness,’ which cannot be conducted under the present circumstances vis a vis Ms. Moore.

My client would like an apology from Ms. Moore for the continuing abuse of her celebrity. My client asks that Ms. Moore and that idiot she married stop tweeting, and tweeting about tweeting. They both need to go away and attend to the three daughters with the awful names and disfigured faces. They need to just shut the hell up, frankly, in order to restore my client’s relative serenity.

I really believe Demi Moore owes me an apology, along with Madonna, of course, who will have to kill herself on pay-per-view to make restitution for my pain and suffering.

Who owes you an apology?

A New Page

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

thanks-to-the-angels

How can I thank the Angels who have made donations to the Sister Wolf Plague of Calamities Fund? You are amazing. You have given me strength and put food on my table.   I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve you but I’m so grateful for your generosity.

There’s a new page to honor my patrons and angels, over there on the right-hand column.

The Thrill of Neiman Marcus

Sunday, December 27th, 2009

shoe-dept-at-nm

For the first time in months, I went out to shop today! My BF took us to Neiman Marcus, where we saw LaToya Jackson in the men’s department wearing a red Santa hat and sporting a bubble butt that jiggled wildly but still looked fake.

In the shoe department, the sale racks were overflowing with eye-popping high-end monstrosities by the usual designers.   I thought it would be nice to try on some $1,500 alligator wedges. I would rather die than try to walk in shoes like this, since I clearly have trouble walking in flat athletic shoes.

I was transfixed by an awful woman trying on some high suede boots. She modeled them in different positions as though trying out for a contest of some kind. Her legs were as thin as my arms but her lips were inflated enough to save at least half of the passengers on the Titanic. I hope she bought the boots.

Upstairs in the clothing department, a woman who looked like Terry Hatcher kissed up to a woman with awful frizzy red hair, who revealed that she was up for a directing award. Terry gushed that she always saw Frizzy on Facebook, but Frizzy insisted that she rarely logged in.

It was a joyous day, and I achieved a dizzying level of shopping-endorphins without having to spend any money. Like any addict, I can’t wait to do it again.

leather jacket by Gar-de, ill-fitting old jeans by Wrangler, blue shoes by Adidas, Chanel bag, cane from Rite-Aid.

Godawful Jeans Alert

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

sneaker-jeans1

Okay, you thought you’d seen everything after those horrible muffin-jeans, but check out the Sneaker Jeans, again from our visionary friends at Karmaloop. Laces, grommets AND zippers!

sneaker-jeans2

WHY?

Out, Damn G Spot!

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

where-the-hell-is-it

When my friend R suddenly proclaimed herself skeptical about the G Spot during Christmas Eve dinner, I told her she was preaching to the choir. According to R, that idiot “Dr. Oz” was on TV trying to teach people how to locate the G Spot by using the roof of the mouth as a model of the female Area.   (Sorry, can’t use the V word.)

So here’s my analysis of the G Spot situation, and R backs me up on this.

The G Spot is a male fabulation, designed to put women back in their place after the superiority of female sexuality became common knowledge. In other words, since women have a better capacity for orgasm, lets find a way to make them feel inadequate again.

Ladies, are you feeling me here? Why do we need a mysterious “Spot” that almost no one has located, when the C Spot is RIGHT THERE and works great?! I love reading about how some women feel an urge to pee when you press their G Spot, while other women experience a special “V—-al Orgasm.”   Since that theory makes the whole deal seem kind of dubious, newer studies suggest that only SOME women have a G Spot. In that case, let me say that I personally have an H Spot, as well as Spots I through LMNOP, but I’m not going to tell you where they are, since you probably don’t have them.

When I googled G Spot, I came across an piece at Ask Men dot com, about the Male G Spot! I was thrilled! R and I had postulated the existence of an M Spot for men….a nebulous place somewhere between the balls that had to be pressed from a certain angle to be triggered.   How gratifying to imagine men probing desperately for a Spot that isn’t there!

I was disappointed, not to mention saddened and completely grossed out, to learn from Ask Men that the Male G Spot is up their butt. THAT’S RIGHT, you heard me. Up their butt. Ask Men suggests that guys get comfortable and relaxed before attempting to locate…..oh god, I can’t go on. It’s just too tragic. Who are these dummies they write for at Ask Men? It should be called Ask Idiots. Or maybe just “Duh.com.”

While I personally can accept some things on faith, other things (like the moon landing) I’m not too sure about. The moon landing, I’d say there’s a fifty per cent chance it happened. Immaculate Conception, zero per cent. Loch Ness Monster, YES, that one I feel good about. But the G Spot is nonsense and I’m not buying it.

Opinions, anyone?

Again With the Lesbian Stick

Thursday, December 24th, 2009

lesbian-collage-thanks-max

It’s an official tradition*; every year at this time, I have to post The Story of the Lesbian Stick.   If it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, then you know nothing of lesbians or the Spirit of Christmas.

Love and Blessings, SW

*p.s. This is for Ann xoxo

A New Christmas Miracle

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

long-hair-lady

The day started out badly and quickly got worse. I realized that I forgot to make my credit card payment, but I don’t have the money to pay it anyway. Then, I tried to negotiate a payment plan with the hospital where I had hip surgery. Two different foreign ladies said No, with an air of vindictive satisfaction.

A family member became excited by the idea of buying a turducken for Christmas. It would only cost $100. Uh-oh, this meant trouble. Soon, the turducken plan became a massive turducken-of-contention. Voices were raised. The subject of no-money was passed back and forth with diminishing effect. Threats were exchanged and grudgingly withdrawn.

The Internet decided not to work. Nothing would changed its decision. I longed for a way to release my frustration and helpless rage, so I impulsively grabbed an old Pearl Jam CD, hoping to scream ‘Why Go‘ along with Eddie Vedder (who I still want to have sex with, after all these years.) But no, the CD is scratched, I knew that but I’d forgotten.

Somewhere, we have a remastered version of that CD, but how would I ever find it? Since my husband is a “curator” of CD’s, there are at least 5,000 of them around the house in racks, stacks and crates. Every CD you can think of is here somewhere, but only my husband knows how they’re organized. I burst into tears of self-pity.

Sobbing and limping with my cane, I tried to straighten up the mess that is my house. I started emptying the drawers of a desk that is blocking the fireplace area where we always had our Christmas tree.   Still crying a little, I sorted through a pile of old receipts and income tax shit.   I came upon a little tiny envelope, like the kind you get from a jeweler, and opened it.

“Money!” I   screamed in joyous surprise. My husband turned to look as I withdrew a hundred dollar bill, a ten and two fives. He came over to kiss me, and whispered, “Better keep it a secret!”

As if I would use the money for a fucking turducken! No fucking way. I see an appointment with my hairdresser coming up!

I have no idea where this money came from or how long it’ s been hidden away in that drawer. All I know is that it’s a true Christmas Miracle.

Comments For Jane 12/23/09

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

seas-worrisome-mole

As you probably know, Sea of Shoes is very busy getting ready for Christmas, and she even helpfully explains that “Thursday is Christmas Eve, Friday is Christmas“   The girl is sharp as a tack, you have to hand it to her.

She also offers an awkward English translation of an article about her in Elle France, called ‘A Day With Jane.’ It’s a   delightful account of Sea’s high-powered life, which revolves around her daily “blog duties,” and of course, her mom. She confides that her school was too conservative for her, too Texas.   The biggest surprise is that the Sea household is without a TV. Mom and the girls have to watch old episodes of ‘Dynasty‘ on a computer!

What is more disturbing: That this family actually does take its fashion cues from Dynasty, it wasn’t just a mean mental judgment you were making? Or, that they don’t own a TV?

Here is your opportunity to leave a comment for Jane.   I will go first.

Hey, Sea! I am worried about that mole above your ankle and I want you to show it to your dermatologist. I don’t want to scare you but it should probably be removed, just to be on the safe side. xo SW

P. S. Tell Mom or Dad to get you a TV. People dress so different now! You’ll love it!

Facebook is Wack

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

zipper-docs

Because I’m an addict and an idiot, I’ve spent hours tonight staring like a zombie at crap online. I checked out these pointy-tied Dr. Martens and thought, Eh, they won’t fit and I’ll just have to send them back.

Later, I went to Facebook and to my horror, there was an ad for these Docs right there on my profile page! What the fuck is up with that??

Does Facebook know everything I do? How can Facebook stand me, if It knows what a stupid idiot I am? And how can I stand Facebook for getting all up in my business?

Fucking Facebook. I still can’t even figure out what people are supposed to do there. MySpace was great for pranks and causing trouble. Facebook? Who cares where you went for dinner! Not me.

However, I did have a reason for going to Facebook tonight: to snag a photo of this amazing six-layer rainbow cake that my friend Rose made. Ooooh!

roses-rainbow-cake

Friendship and cake are blessings to cherish. Ice cream, too.