A New Christmas Miracle

long-hair-lady

The day started out badly and quickly got worse. I realized that I forgot to make my credit card payment, but I don’t have the money to pay it anyway. Then, I tried to negotiate a payment plan with the hospital where I had hip surgery. Two different foreign ladies said No, with an air of vindictive satisfaction.

A family member became excited by the idea of buying a turducken for Christmas. It would only cost $100. Uh-oh, this meant trouble. Soon, the turducken plan became a massive turducken-of-contention. Voices were raised. The subject of no-money was passed back and forth with diminishing effect. Threats were exchanged and grudgingly withdrawn.

The Internet decided not to work. Nothing would changed its decision. I longed for a way to release my frustration and helpless rage, so I impulsively grabbed an old Pearl Jam CD, hoping to scream ‘Why Go‘ along with Eddie Vedder (who I still want to have sex with, after all these years.) But no, the CD is scratched, I knew that but I’d forgotten.

Somewhere, we have a remastered version of that CD, but how would I ever find it? Since my husband is a “curator” of CD’s, there are at least 5,000 of them around the house in racks, stacks and crates. Every CD you can think of is here somewhere, but only my husband knows how they’re organized. I burst into tears of self-pity.

Sobbing and limping with my cane, I tried to straighten up the mess that is my house. I started emptying the drawers of a desk that is blocking the fireplace area where we always had our Christmas tree.   Still crying a little, I sorted through a pile of old receipts and income tax shit.   I came upon a little tiny envelope, like the kind you get from a jeweler, and opened it.

“Money!” I   screamed in joyous surprise. My husband turned to look as I withdrew a hundred dollar bill, a ten and two fives. He came over to kiss me, and whispered, “Better keep it a secret!”

As if I would use the money for a fucking turducken! No fucking way. I see an appointment with my hairdresser coming up!

I have no idea where this money came from or how long it’ s been hidden away in that drawer. All I know is that it’s a true Christmas Miracle.

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20 Responses to “A New Christmas Miracle”

  1. David Duff Says:

    With all your financial woes (amongst all your other woes) and then, when you find an unexpected $130, your instant re-action is: “I see an appointment with my hairdresser coming up!”

    I love you, ‘Sister Wolf’!

    In fact, and I am sorry to add to your woes, for me, you are now up there alongside Mrs. Palin!

    Incidentally, I send my Best Christmas Wishes to all the members of the Sister Wolf Fan Club who meet here so regularly.

  2. Make Do Style Says:

    McDuff you old curmudgeon may you have much Christmas cheer too (sincerely) but you must relearn your maths, 100 +10 +5+5 = 120.

    Ah ’tis a miracle after all and how happy will your hairdresser be. Yes stuff the turducken, I had one once they are gross.

    Take care and flick your tousled hair with satisfaction.
    xoxo

  3. Dru Says:

    Your hair is glorious, Sister! Most definitely more worth spending money on than a turducken (ugh, gross word).
    Here’s wishing you a very Merry Christmas, and lots of other welcome finds to come, xx

  4. Moda Says:

    Yay! Finding money when you’re skint is just the best!

  5. deja pseu Says:

    I have it on good authority that those turduckens aren’t all they’re cracked up to be anyway. Congratulations on your Christmas miracle, and hope you get another miracle for New Years.

    (Have you thought about putting up a Paypal “tip jar” on your blog? Just a thought…)

  6. arline Says:

    A turduken sounds disgusting to me. Of course, I don’t eat meat, so it would.

    Take care of yourself Sister, and enjoy your find.

    Incidently, David, you don’t make a bit of sense. You have a merry christmas yourself.

  7. Suebob Says:

    Quick, search some other drawers!

  8. Iron Chic Says:

    I am so anal retentive and organized, I will NEVER find money lurking in my house.
    Found money=FUN MONEY!!!!!!
    Merry Christmas!

  9. Deni Says:

    Here’s the thing: Buy a tofurkey for $8.00 at Trader Joes (post haste, throw out the packaging, where it can’t be retrieved), call it a processed turd-duken (a real turduken, to a vegetarian is a horror in itself (three slaughtered birds stuffed one into another . . . grim, just grim) and spend the rest of the fun money on your tresses. You’ve been through hell and you deserve some “me” time being pampered.

    Let me quote:
    by Jane Powell on December 24, 2009

    If you’re feeling run down and at your wits end, look in the mirror. Your skin will show it. If you’re living an unhealthy life style and not getting enough rest, look again. Your lifestyle leaves its fingerprint on your skin.

    Remember, the most beautiful you is on the inside, but the most visible you is on the outside. The stronger your spirit, the more beautiful your body. That’s why, beauty is only skin-deep!

    Today’s Affirmation: I take care of myself and my beauty shows it.

    YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!! OR THE FEARED AND PAINFUL COSTACONDRITIS WILL REAR IT’S UGLY HEAD.

    Now, to go home (I’m still at work) and start searching through coat pockets and desk drawers and I’ll be lucky if I find a half decent line or two to start some dreaded poem.

  10. Deni Says:

    p.s. I lost a parenthesis above . . . I can never write a sentence w/o a typo, so I give up. Love me as I am, bad grammar, bad writing, typos and deceitful ways to substitute wheat gluten for a turkey, a duck, and a chicken.

    Have a very Merry Christmas Eve AND Christmas. Enjoy your family, your friends, your blog buddies, and may your drawers always be full of little packets of $100 bills plus some.
    xxooxxo

  11. Mike Says:

    I made my first turducken this year.
    don’t buy them, just don’t be scared to get elbow deep in a bird and deboning is easy.
    buying everything seperate made it maybe 30 dollars.

  12. dust Says:

    Easy come, easy go. That’s the way money should be! Only then, we’ll all be equal.

  13. Iheartfashion Says:

    Hooray for your Christmas miracle!
    And what’s this about a Christmas tree? I thought you were a Jewish atheist!

  14. Aja Says:

    Laughing at Make Do Style. Smiling at your luck. Maybe another Christmas miracle will come your way (wink).

  15. Bevitron Says:

    Christ almighty (well, tis the season) – I had to look at that Wikipedia entry for turducken, see what the hell it was. I thought it was maybe something you made up for Christmas – a duck stuffed with turds, kind of thing. A chicken in a duck in a turkey, but why stop there? Why not stick that in a lamb, and that in a cow?

    I KNEW something good was sitting around waiting for you to discover it. God, go to the hairdresser, do whatever makes you feel good, a little tingle, a little decadent, even. When I read that you found the money I whooped with joy! Even teared up a little. There’s more good stuff coming your way. A great turdfuckenducken holiday & New Year’s to you, Sister Wolf!

  16. Denise (denisekatipunera) Says:

    Merry Christmas Sister Wolf.

    Had experienced the same miracle a little over a year ago. Was cleaning our closet and looking for coins in my bags and felt this thick envelop with 4 thousand pesos, more like 80$, yey! that’s two weeks grocery. Been tight on the budget for a month then and it’s just a miracle for me.

  17. sarah.p Says:

    I used to be on close personal terms with the Baby Jesus, and I can confirm that he’d totally approve of using the Miracle to render your locks yet more beauteous.

    I associate turduckens with people who don’t find the Marks and Spencer Food adverts nauseating (one for you Brits there…)

  18. hammie Says:

    oh yeah! xx

  19. honeypants Says:

    I hail from the land from whence the turducken was borne. It is indeed a good thing. But definitely not worth $100. You can buy a turkey a duck and a chicken for less than $100, and you can shove them in each other accordingly for free. Not worth the trubz.

    The $120 secret bonus though is totally fantastic. It would behoove us all to start hiding cash from ourselves like little old ladies. I love you! I’m sorry! Happy Winter Festive Season!

  20. fashionherald Says:

    Money for hair? Truly a Christmas miracle! Hair money is the first thing that goes (mani-pedis & bikini waxes were axed years ago) and the first thing money is spent on when it miraculously becomes available.

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