All New Nordstrom Adventure

When you’re unemployed and have no money, you go out to have lunch in department stores. If you use your charge card, it’s free.   Here I am at Nordstrom on Friday, trying on a pseudo-Chanel jacket by Trina Turk.

Seen up close, it’s really a lovely tweed fabric, with little specks of a million colors, including metallic gold threads. The only thing that stopped me from buying it (remember, it would be FREE if I charged it!) was the inescapable fact that I’d never wear it. I couldn’t even pretend that I’d wear it. Maybe if I bought the free matching skirt, I would wear it, but I never wear skirts.

The jacket is $356.00, but this picture doesn’t do it justice.

There’s nothing like the feeling of virtuousness you get from leaving a department store without buying a single thing. I felt like Mother Theresa. I had a heartwarming exchange with Faith, the Hot Nordstrom Girl. I also bonded briefly with a kooky lady who was interested in my handbag. Here, take a look.

I admired her pig, and told her that I had nearly bought that pig myself. She screamed “Samesies!” in delight. I asked my friend R to document these events because at this point, if you can’t document it, it’s not worth doing.

Since I’m always (i.e., never) asked, “Sister Wolf, you are so radiantly beautiful at your advanced age, what are your beauty secrets?” I will share the basics with you:

1. First, you adopt a cyber-daughter (annemarie) who will send you her red Paul Smith cords.
2. Make sure you NEVER leave home without your red lipstick. Ruby Woo by M.A.C. in this instance.
3. Don’t brush your hair and don’t cut it.
4. Eat plenty of sugar! Ice cream is the most important food group, followed by cookies.
5. Stress is KEY. Try to make sure you’re under constant stress.
6. Avoid exercise as much as possible
7. Finally, sleep deprivation: Stay up until 3 in the morning, just fucking around for no reason.

There you have it! Whatever anyone else tells you to do, DON’T. It’s too much trouble.

While we’re thinking about beauty, check out this project by photographer Zed Nelson, called “Love Me,” to shake up your ideas about the pursuit of attractiveness and its consequences.

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35 Responses to “All New Nordstrom Adventure”

  1. Brie Says:

    I will print out those beauty tips…I am already doing a few of them so why not add the rest.

    That woman…she colour coordinated with the pig? Screamed “Samesies”? She needed photographic documentation.

  2. tressie Says:

    I love buying shoes that originally came from Nordstrom, at the thrift store for like, 2 bucks! I got some weird Oxmox maryjanes tonight. I think I’ll add this to the Lady Beauty Tips: Wear your rhinestone Botox t shirt (you get them from the thrift store if you are very lucky)…it shaves many years off the bod just having the logo on your chest. I’m fucking around at 1:47am. Well off to check out your linkie up there.

  3. David Duff Says:

    Upon my plinth of love I was almost tempted to replace my belov-ed Sarah with you, ‘Sis’, but then I spotted the bird in blue behind you and thought, well, at least she wouldn’t answer back all the time; but then, in the mirror, I spotted your butt (I think you call it ‘over there’) and now I really don’t know what to do. Story of my life, really!

  4. Cheraya Says:

    Very cool jacket. I admire your self control in not acquiring it.
    I have no self control whatsoever and am contemplating buying yet another black dress that is subtly different to the other 22 I have already curated.

  5. Cheraya Says:

    .. and I must add that it looks about a million times better on you than on the model. She is really not ‘rocking’ it at all.

  6. Dru Says:

    It does look gorgeous on you, Sister, but I suspect the real reason why you might never wear it is because you are a leather lady at heart, and not a tweed one. Though I could be wrong, of course.

    I’d get the pig, too. What was it, really? A stuffed toy? A piggy bank? (speaking of which, I wonder why people came up with piggy banks in the first place. instead of bear banks or mouse banks)

  7. Faux Fuchsia Says:

    Sister Wolf, you are Hardcore Challenging the Paradigm in that get up.

    Some random thoughts:

    *I want that Trina Turk jacket
    *Trina is not sold in Australia
    *Dear God you are thin (Credit where Credit’s Due).
    *Does Girlfriend Wolf need some carbs?
    *I like your ‘do
    *Red lipstick is The Bomb
    *I wish we had Nordstrum in Australia
    *I have a friend in real life called Trina but her surname is not Turk
    *I’d usually wait til I was drunk on a dance floor to ask this, but What Starsign Are You?

    Best Wishes, FF x

  8. patni Says:

    I am interested in your bag too. I appreciate the way it is firmly clamped to your side. I would totally knock you down and take it.

  9. Cricket9 Says:

    Yes, red lipstick is essential at the “advanced age”.

  10. arline Says:

    Try as I might, I am just not a jacket or blazer person. I have some great vintage ones, but I rarely wear them, and as I am somewhat of a hoarder, I won’t let them go.

    Is it possible to be a minimalist hoarder? If so, I am it. NUT!

    It is not fair that you look so great with the way you take care of yourself! I will shut up, as I am having a shit morning!

    At least you made me laugh.

  11. honeypants Says:

    You look amazing in those pants. I thought so even before I read that annemarie gave them to you. Of course she did. She’s awesome too. xoxo

  12. Ann Says:

    Excellent restraint in not curating that jacket. It’s lovely. So is your red cords and your ass in the mirror, as Duff noticed. How is Faith and what does her hair look like these days? Why is the pig curator wearing her sunglasses inside and why aren’t they enormous?

    So many observations and questions about this blog.

  13. Bessie the cow Says:

    Am I the only one that HATES that jacket! I’m so glad you didn’t buy/acquire/glom on to it. It’s way too “old” for you! You’re too youthful for such construction and fabric and all those colors melding into a gray.

    I’m doing 5 and 7 from your list to stay youthful. However, I’ve cut out sugar 100%, plus wheat, and since I’m a cow I don’t eat my own kind. I have no hair to cut or brush, and I only wear lipstick on special occasions otherwise I end up eating it. It would be nice to find a cyber dauther to send me things through the mail. I keep saying I’ll start a blog but between my therapist, my nutritionist, my 9 hour mind numbing job, and my x, my time is pretty much not mine!
    Love you Lil Sis Wo!

  14. Denise (denisekatipunera) Says:

    pls adopt me, take me away from my third world country.

  15. Bessie the cow Says:

    P.S.Thanks for posting the Zed Nelson link!

  16. Dru Says:

    Come to think of that, can I put in a cyber daughter adoption request too, Sister? I have no lovely bright pants (also, am about twice your size), but if you ever want dangly earrings, bangles or books, I’m your girl.

  17. dust Says:

    I also spotted your good looking behind in a mirror… nice!
    I agree about ice-cream, you know my situation, but ice-cream is OK cos grease slows down the sugar. And when the new inhalation remedy hits the market (they say it’s as fast as natural one!) I’ll indulge in cookies more often, promise.
    I didn’t yet report, but I’m growing my hair. The only problem is that paired with my other angelic features, long blond tresses are going to make me look like that dead blond wig in Zed Nelson’s pictures.
    Red lipstick is the ultimate bluff tool, amen.

  18. WendyB Says:

    You and I have the same beauty techniques except for #1.

    For some reason, I’m freaked out by the random pig lady.

    And I want to wear your hair as a glamorous stole.

    That is all.

  19. WCGB Says:

    The jacket is nice, but who cares? You have red cords. Red.

    “Samesies!” really frightens me.

  20. MJ Says:

    I nearly bought a conjoined trio of 1960s ermines (heads, feets and all) at an estate sale this weekend but didn’t know how to rock them.

    I don’t know why this came up with regard to this post. Perhaps the confluence of luxurious hair and a portable animal (the pig, not the “SAMESIES” lady). In any case…

  21. MJ Says:

    And BTW, the site that declares Janus a Prize Perv tried to give my computer a virus….that’s so edgy. Too bad it didn’t try before my eyeballs were violated with TR’s belly and T Bone tat.

  22. Iheartfashion Says:

    I love the red cords Sister. You look fantastic!
    I’ve been following most of your beauty secrets for a couple of months now, but it’s not working as well for me.

  23. Make Do Style Says:

    If someone had said ‘samesies” to me I’d be rendered incapable for a photo – you did good! Great cords, great tee, great lipstick, great bag you didn’t need the jacket!
    xx

  24. miss cavendish Says:

    As for “samesies,” it sounds like your acquaintance was speaking the dialect of American Girlish, one I cannot speak, which means that I do my best to abstain from showers or weddings.

  25. TheShoeGirl Says:

    You look really amazing in these photos. Like hotness level 11. Nicely done Sister.

  26. Hammie Says:

    You left out ciggies and laxatives: oh, and anxiety xx

  27. erika Says:

    Thank you for the link to the “Love Me” project. I now believe that I will love my makeupless face even more. I also know that I am willing to go forth and live with my imperfections in the glorious knowledge that I am not a plastic filledd humanoid.

    Also stay away from the expensive jackets. We should go thrifting together. I have some kind of magic thrifting genie in my pocket. I got a Trina Turk dress brand new for 3 bucks. You are thin enough to shop with, We wouldn’t be wrestling for finds in the store.

  28. fashionherald Says:

    That picture of you and the pig lady, and her “samesies,” is brilliant. This should be the first photo in your artistic, perverse photo blog.

  29. Jill Says:

    Video…dammit!

  30. Mia Meow Says:

    Oooohhh!!! I am on my way to ETERNAL BEAUTY! :D

  31. Alicia Says:

    Sounds like I’m well on my way to SAMESIES!

    Do doughnuts count? Please say they count.

  32. Liz!! Says:

    I just needed to let you know that looking at the picture and imagining the woman yelling “SAMESIES!” is most possibly the best comic relief I’ve had all week.

  33. apparellel Says:

    i’ve got six of these down. sweet. you are absolutely gorgeous and always make me laugh.

    xxx
    t

  34. SwanDiamondRose Says:

    well i came to this little comment box to say how hot you are in red pants.

    and i just discovered chocolate peanut butter this week.

    and i my main focus would be on the STRESS regime. waves and oceans and tirades and typhoons of STRESS.

  35. SwanDiamondRose Says:

    this is an interesting one
    http://www.zednelson.com/?LoveMe:50

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