Archive for April, 2010

Comments for Jane 4/14/2010

Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

I don’t think I can take much more of this. It’s killing me. I can’t go on. I’ll go on.   (Samuel Beckett)

Sea is excited about going to Tokyo in a couple of weeks to spend a few million dollars and take some cute photos.   She posed in some painful pointy Givenchy pumps, and twittered about vaginas and her dad’s cell phone.

Mom confided that she “had to have” these Lucite Prada shoes from Neiman’s. ($975) Not only that, but Sea “managed to snag a pair of the satin platforms … and they are really incredible.

Who would like to deconstruct the phrase “managed to snag” in this context?

UPDATE: Now there are new Celine sandals for both Sea and Mom, and some hideous new garbage jewelry that was “sent” from Paris.

Sea won’t post your comments but you can leave them here. I’ll go first.

Dear Sea, Have you tried adding up the damage, shoe-wise, for the last month? Why are you throwing away your youth on this project? You’re staring to look nuts in those photos. Your outfits say “35 year old divorcee, circa 1980.” This is not a compliment. Stop the insanity and maybe poor dad can retire. Love, xo SW.

The Crazy Mothers Club IV

Monday, April 12th, 2010

Has everyone read about the woman from Tennessee who sent her adopted son back to Russia after deeming him too psychotic to handle?

People are up in arms about this, primarily against the mother, who put the 7 year old on a plane, alone, with a note pinned on him. Authorities haven’t decided what to charge her with. Russian officials are threatening to halt adoptions of Russian orphans.

The woman, who is single, refuses to comment, but her own mother says that the boy was violent and had threatened to burn down the house. She also says they were lied to by the Russian agency that arranged the adoption. Many of the orphans in Russia (and elsewhere) who’ve spent their lives in institutions are described by experts as “feral” (i.e. completely unsocialized.) Many have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

If you adopted a child and discovered that he was emotionally disturbed or mentally ill, would you want to send him back, like a defective product? What about if he was violent enough to make you fear for your life? What about if he turned out to be schizophrenic or autistic? What if you kept the child to fulfill your moral obligation but forever regretted the adoption?

I once knew a woman who adopted an infant that turned out to be severely autistic. When I met them, he was about four. He was an unattractive, whiney child who tried to stick his finger in my eye when he noticed I wore contact lenses. When we took him out to a park, he attacked another child. Once, while I was driving, he grabbed my hair from the back seat and yanked it with all his might. He was the most repellent kid I have ever come across, but she adored him. I felt, secretly, that if it were me, I’d send him back.

I know another mom who adores her biological child but sent him to a residential treatment center after he hurt her during one of his rages. It wasn’t an easy decision. But she didn’t want to risk further violence.

I feel bad for the woman in Tennessee. I’m assuming that she wanted a child more than anything, but didn’t have the fortitude to care for a deeply damaged kid. I feel bad for the boy, who most likely has been abused and will be further traumatized.

Should the mother be prosecuted? Should there be better screening of adoptive parents? Should society have some mechanism for mothers who aren’t equipped to mother,   that would absolve them of blame and spare a child from neglect or abuse?


If you never signed up for the Crazy Mothers Club, go here.

More Whining About Leather Shorts

Sunday, April 11th, 2010

Still suffering from the irrational and inappropriate longing for leather shorts, I was thrilled to find this hideous pair above, by Derek Lam, for $1,450 at It’s always nice when your unwholesome shopping fixation is chipped away by images or associations that ruin the whole idea of whatever it is you think you need.

Look at this atrocity below by YSL, also at Saks, for $1,950.

Horrible, aren’t they?

Here’s a pair by Juicy called “Moto Leather Shorts” that compounds the “Moto” problem with a ruffle at the hem. Yay!

My craving is starting to wane, but it’s still troubling. To make it even more tragic, the Huffington Post featured an article yesterday that asked: “Can Women Over 5o Look Great in Jeans?

I resent this stupid question on every level. What the fuck does “great” even mean in this context? Do they actually mean “thin?” Maybe women over 50 should just kill themselves rather than be subjected to more critiques of this nature.

How about this: I have a pair of nothing leather pants that I could cut off to make shorts. Is this a viable plan? Or not?

Leonor Scherrer: The It-Girl of Death

Friday, April 9th, 2010

Why do we have to have people like Leonor Scherrer? The daughter of French designer Jean-Louis Scherrer, she is the ultimate spoiled, entitled ultra-hipster who favors a dykey Goth look and has started a company called Leonor Funeral Couture to provide “fashion for the bereaved.”

“Her line even comes complete with its own fragrance, Maximilia, named after Maximilian Kolbe, the Polish friar who took the place of a condemned man at Auschwitz.”

But wait! She’s also recording an album that includes a cover of Schubert’s “Death and The Maiden.”

Get it? She loves death! Death is so cool!

Riccardo Tisci adores her and so does Diane Pernet. In an interview with Diane, Leonor says, “I had no idea death was such a taboo.”   Maybe on her planet, they   have different taboos. How can one expect such a person to know what we proles are like?

But aside from her breathtaking level of pretentiousness, she also offers the discerning enthusiast the kind of self-aggrandizing clulessness that results in a confession like this one:

I lost a close friend recently and the grieving process takes a long time. I think of him every time I see someone on the street looking like him. In fact, I’ve still got his number on my phone and haven’t been able to delete it yet.

Her friend died recently but she hasn’t deleted his phone number yet?!? The woman is a fucking saint.

Actually, no. In fact, the first thing I thought upon reading about her was, Wow. What a fucking cunt ! Why doesn’t she have anything better to do than market an ironic appreciation of death?

The Wisdom of Rumer Willis

Thursday, April 8th, 2010

I’m having trouble with Being Present. I find that whatever I’m doing, I’m somewhere else in my head.

This isn’t good. It causes a lot of household problems, because I don’t remember what I started out to do. The only time I am fully engaged is when I’m reading a book. Even reading the New Yorker, I manage to think about something else, or just think about myself trying to take an interest in the article I’m not interested in.

I’m still   doing physical therapy for the broken hip, and today I noticed that while I was exercising my leg, I was thinking about my son’s elbow.

I want to be present, but I’m absent.

Is this due to old age, or all the drugs, or the result of the Internet destroying my attention span? How can I learn to be present without getting the tattoo-reminder?

If you’d rather think about Rumer Willis than my existential malaise, try watching her lesbian kiss from some TV show where she plays a lesbian (ha!) and looks just like her dad.

Cunt of the Week™: Abdoulaye Wade

Thursday, April 8th, 2010

President Abdoulaye Wade celebrated Senegal’s 50 years of independence by commissioning a gigantic bronze Soviet-style monument that cost $27 million and was built by workers from North Korea.

Wade calls it a monument of The African renaissance, but critics call it the work of a power-drunk president, who has announced that he will collect 35% of the revenue generated by the monument because “it was his idea.”

Thank you to Braindance for alerting me to this week’s cunt! She has made me realize that I know more about Demi Moore’s body issues than I do about world events.

With 54% of his countrymen living below poverty level, Wade has chosen to indulge himself with a hideous, sexist monument to stupidity, corruption and egomania. I know we can all agree that he’s a complete fucking cunt.

How Stupid Are We?

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010

Remember when it was summer, and we’d cut off an old pair of jeans to make shorts? I still do that, nearly every year. Why do trendy brands like Vince think we want to pay $195 for a pair of cut-offs? Why do they think we’re that stupid? Are we?

The brand “What Goes Around Comes Aroundreally thinks we’re stupid.   They want us to pay $195 for putting some studs in a pair of Converse lowtops.   The studded hightops are $350. As if!

WGACA is a multiple offender. See this “Chanel” necklace? They want you to pay $795 for it, because you think it’s vintage. Chanel is the most counterfeited brand in the entire world, and some of it is very convincing if you don’t know better. This WGACA shit is being sold all over the place for tons of money. It’s just crap.

It annoys me to have my common sense challenged like this. Everybody’s all up in arms over a pricey T-shirt by Balmain, but the assumption that the style-conscious consumer is a stupid idiot is rampant across the board.

I hope those cutoffs don’t sell. I need to think that no one’s that stupid.

Today’s Secret Word

Tuesday, April 6th, 2010

The word for the day is badass.

It’s a self-negating word, like “classy.”   Once you use it, it can’t apply to you.

Scream really loud each time you see it or hear it.

Now It’s Sunglasses

Tuesday, April 6th, 2010

Oooooh, I want to curate and fondle these sunglasses. Did you know there are whole blogs devoted to cool eye-ware?! Shit! It never ends.

Comments For Jane 4/06/2010

Monday, April 5th, 2010

Sea has been busy busy busy.   Above, she models the first creation of a new jewelry and belt line that she and Mom are launching. Hopefully, there will be giant slugs and cockroaches too.

Secretly, Sea has been visiting the brothels of Bangkok, looking for Asian boys with prominent anuses. She has become a favorite with the locals, who scream and hold out their prosthetic legs, hoping she will reward them with a Miu Miu platform bootie or Givenchy ballet flat.

While Sea was off indulging her appetite for hipster porn, Mom discovered that after spending $25,000 at Barneys, she could pick up a Celine bag with her free points! You can see it over at her blog. Meanwhile, Mom plundered eBay for its most icky offerings, including this tragic ‘dragon sweater’:

The sweater will look cool with another of Mom’s recent eBay finds, a scary fish pendant:

Back at Mom’s blog, she shows off some other crap she “won” on eBay. She still can’t use the word “buy!” I love this stubbornness so much, it reminds me of myself and that’s what I look for in people.

Mom’s shopping has gotten so out of control, Sea has threatened to delete her blog. Mom begged Sea to reconsider, even promising to hand over all her curated knits from the 70’s, including every single Adolfo cardigan jacket rejected by Nancy Reagan.

Sea is planing to replace Karl Lagerfeld at Chanel, based on her work with crayons. Karl is upset, but you can’t fight progress. Yohji and Junya have gone into hiding.

Mom is hoping to work for Sea, without whom her life would be an endless quest for bad jewelry and letters to her ex-husband, begging for funds. Mom has been calling Carol, tattling on Sea’s naughty lesbian proclivities, hoping Carol can persuade Sea to make up with Akbar.

Carol is too busy to leave her studies but here’s what she wrote to Mom:

Dear Mom, I think you should let Jane be free to follow her dreams. You should find a way to fulfill yourself without exploiting Jane or Dad. I’ve learned here at school that there’s more to life than hoarding material goods. Love, Carol.

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