Archive for June, 2010

Neverending Trauma

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

Today some woman called from the medical supply company to talk about Max’s wheelchair. She wanted to schedule a pick-up time, since the insurance company won’t pay for the rental “once the client has passed.” I don’t want to hear the word “passed.” People die, even though we don’t want them to. Passing is a euphemism that seeks to downgrade the truth. Let us speak of death openly.

The woman says that we already owe $400 for the chair but guess what? I looked up the exact model and it sells for $325. I am not giving them the fucking chair because it’s still at the dining table where it belongs. When the woman calls back, I plan to tell her that I’m keeping the wheelchair and she can take me to small claims court. It’s staying here no matter what.

But nothing   is ever enough. My dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday after losing 25 pounds. He can’t swallow or talk. He’s 89 years old and they wanted to send him home. They had no idea they were dealing with a hardened veteran of hospital chicanery. Fuckers. Now the whole group of my father’s 7 children are assembling to handle the situation. Some of us barely know each other. None of us can bear to see him suffer, now that he’s old and helpless.

The man in the next bed was telling his imaginary friend about 1933. He was incensed at times, ranting about ten children, and then slipping in and out of Word War II.   At one point, he said, “Why, thank you!” with such graciousness that I wanted to cry.

I’m not close to my father but I was grateful to have someone to care for, a hand to hold, a head to stroke. I just want to take care of someone again.

Comments For Jane 6-30-2010

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

This week, Sea posed in an ugly sweter and blamed it on Mom. I sense a rift between them, an overdue separation of their creepy merged identities. They no longer link to each other’s blog and they’re making subtle digs at each other.   I am hoping for a titanic war with no holds barred. Don’t they owe us that?!

Meanwhile, Sea declared herself a tragic know-nothing would-be hipster by foolishly writing a post about “Bad Art.” She doesn’t know the difference between kitsch, outsider art and folk art. All she knows is that stuff that looks crude is cool to like. Like, omg, Bad Art! It’s so funny! My own definition of bad art would be that crap in Sea’s living room.

Sea won’t publish your comments, you worthless proles, but you can leave them here. I will go first:

Dear Sea, Please don’t write about things that are way over your head! Stick to Miu Mui clogs! Go find out about Reverend Howard Finster, Adolf Wolfli, Renaldo Kuhler, and then read Jim Shaw’s mission statement in his book on Thrift Store Art.   What will it take to make you feel ashamed? This is a real question. Love, SW

Another Rad Contest!

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

Refinery 29 is running ANOTHER contest, this time to win a piece of Rossmore Jewelry. You just have to write about your favorite summer accessory and the most interesting answer will win.

Imagine my horror to find that some bitch named Jinjen wrote about an alligator foot necklace that goes with all her dark and tribal blah blah blah, a full hour before I wrote my entry. Fuck! What a cheater!

Speaking of Female Mustaches

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

As per our recent discussion of fashionable women who sport mustaches, look how trendy this look has become!

“The Frida” reminds me of the time I was Frida Kahlo for Halloween and I ended up having to explain to people who she was. I was too vain to pencil on a mustache, even though of course I have a faint one of my own. Next time, I’m going full mustache, baby.

Mrs. Palin: What a Fucking Cunt!™

Monday, June 28th, 2010

Please force yourself to watch these two minutes of  gibberish, as they will raise your spirits even as they insult your intelligence.  Keep in mind that she’s speaking at a college and yet denigrates college students.

I love this stupid bitch! It’s fun to watch her self-destruct. Cross your fingers that she’ll run in 2012.

Because I’m Stupid

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

The only good thing about buying expensive shit is that you can sometimes recoup some of your wasted money on ebay.

Look at this Kate Moss ‘Groupie Coat!’ Why did I buy it from Topshop? Because I’m stupid, that’s why. I imagined myself as a 20 year old living in a cold climate, walking around like a big Yeti, looking insanely rad. Now, it’s on ebay.

Why did I buy this Marc Jacobs sequin thing? Because I’m so stupid that I must have pictured myself going somewhere and impressing people with my glam fashion sense. I haven’t worn it once, just like the Groupie Coat. A complete waste of time and money. For sale on ebay.

Ooh, what about these Paul Smith “Kings” biker boots. Wearing them would prove how moto, how tough-chic and just plain killing it I am. So what that I already had a million pairs of biker boots. Soon to be on ebay, and I’ll only get a fraction of the purchase price.

I have been out of work for nearly a year. What I’ve learned is that I am a big idiot who spent money as fast as I could, because I’d never made so much of it.   Every story I wrote brought me $500, so a pair of boots equalled only one story.   I forgot to worry about the future, or the people starving in Africa. My shame and my unpaid bills aren’t punishment enough for being so stupid.

However. While at ebay, I treated my self to a look at Mom’s recent purchases, and I was reassured to find that, yes, someone else is stupid, too! Join me in weighing up the stupidity.

This massive anchor pendent was $295 plus shipping. Gargantuan, isn’t it? I think size is key, for Mom. At least it isn’t a monkey or cockroach.

Now we’re talking! Pre-owned Prada open-toed boots, just $199 plus shipping. Are these for Sea or Mom? Would they wear these if they didn’t say “Prada?” I’m already feeling a little less stupid, but what do I know.

Another bold statement piece of junk jewelry for Mom, $85 plus shipping. Nice and big, even “glitzy” I would say. There are many, many more acquisitions of this nature that you can look for at Mom’s shop or perhaps adorning herself or Sea.

The thing about shopping and hoarding is that it distracts one from the void, from oneself, from the horror of the human condition but in the end it fools no one. In the end, you’re just an idiot with too much crap that no one wants, not even you.

But at least my crap is good crap.

I Just Want to be a Winner

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

Refinery 29 is running a contest, and the prose roped me in:

“Simone is hooking up one lucky reader with an insanely rad, cropped, silk jacket. Just tell us how you’d wear a shrunken moto with your fave summer outfit, and the reader with the best styling skills will get this sweet giveaway.”

They’re announcing the winner tomorrow and I’m all excited.

Actually, no, not excited, more like pessimistic, I guess. I probably should have added one more “moto” to really nail it.

Lucas Revolution

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

Max and Luke became friends when they were 6 and played on the same soccer team. In the photo above, they were 8 year old headbangers. I can’t remember why they’re wearing those wacky outfits but I do recall being horrified when Luke’s mom let him get a bleached mohawk. In fact, she is an amazing mother.

Max and Luke started a band in our garage, and it lasted until they were young men and had a falling out that broke both their hearts. When Max was hurt last year, Luke came to the hospital and cried at his bedside. Max pulled through and their beautiful friendship was repaired.

I know that this was part of Max’s unfinished business to complete. Luke knows it too.   Last week, he wrote this song and I asked him to record it for me:

“The Gift”

Under the name Lucas Revolution, Luke will be hitchhiking around the US performing his songs and documenting the experience. You can learn about it here.

Thanks universe, for bringing Luke into Max’s life, and mine.

Again With the Alex Wang

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

A thoughtful girl named Lauren sent a link to these achingly ugly monstrosities by our friend Al Wang. They’re at Opening Ceremony for only $925. The description begins: “alexander wang knows a thing or two about what a girl wants.”

What would that be, Al? Terrifying footwear covered with hair?

(I want to thank Lauren for this distraction, because I am really struggling. I have been reading about grief and it doesn’t help. Knowing what’s normal doesn’t make it easier. I can’t see a way out of this. Finding solace in The Stupid and Awful is my only coping mechanism.)

Best Blog Comment in the History of the World

Monday, June 21st, 2010

***Image removed at request of   owner, although I maintain my rights under the fair use law***

(identities concealed to protect the guilty)

Kim { 06.21.10 at 11:22 AM }

I’ve followed your blog for ages now. and just when I thought you couldn’t get any cooler, your husband is a taxidermist! Get out of my head already! I love taxidermy so fucking much. How did your husband get into it?