Disbelief
There aren’t really stages of grief, there’s just a big rupture and then a big mess of denial, anger, shock, guilt, etc. etc etc and none of it is orderly. Right now I’m in a state of disbelief and I’m guessing it’s adaptive, to keep mothers from flipping out.
I am seeking solace anywhere I can find it but I can’t listen to the news or look at fashion.
I’ll tell you what’s good: TV.
TV is a great panacea and pacifier. Reality TV is best. Crazy “Housewives” screaming at each other is like manna from heaven. My husband and I are taking comfort there. Scream and fight, Housewives! Never stop!
True Blood worked for me but not so much for my husband. He’s just not gay enough, I guess. When Sam and Eric eyed each other up, the thrill was electric, wasn’t it?!? Eric’s butt was too small for my taste but on the whole it was a yummy festival of hot gayness.
TV is my church and I will worship there. My bed is a place to hold Max’s stuffed animals from his babyhood. My fridge is stocked with weird leftovers from the meals brought over in sympathy. My tolerance for idiots is being severely tested. My gratitude for kindness is fine-tuned. I can report that aside from TV, you really, really need friends.
Love is all that matters. Remember how we learned that before? It’s easy to forget. I’ll try to remind you, and you can try to remind me.
Tags: friendship, grief, TV
June 16th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
“I hear the water in Arkansas is very… hard.”
http://dlisted.com/node/37649
June 16th, 2010 at 11:34 pm
It was actually Bill and Sam having the gay moment. Eric had a hetero moment with a gal in bondage. I am an equal opportunity voyeur and enjoyed both scenes. Agree with you entirely on the housewives and on the use of tv in general. You didn’t think I watched all that Law & Order for the sake of the acting, did you? Xoxoxo
June 16th, 2010 at 11:38 pm
I was Max’s friend growing up, but hadn’t talked to him in a long time — six or seven years, I think. I thought of him often though — all the time in fact — and I just heard what happened and stumbled over here somehow. I am really fucking sad about it and I am thinking about you, Max’s dad, Charlie, and Max, of course. . . .
June 17th, 2010 at 12:49 am
^what WendyB says..
June 17th, 2010 at 12:51 am
Is there nothing TV can’t do? I’ve never watched True Blood but I may have to go check it out now, voyeurism is my life.
June 17th, 2010 at 1:10 am
You are LOVED LOVED LOVED.
also.
You are LOVE LOVE LOVE.
also.
Breaking Bad is some hot fucking tv.
XuXu
June 17th, 2010 at 2:01 am
I don’t watch tv, but I agree with you on the love thing. Love is all around. and like xuxu says, You are LOVED LOVED LOVED.
June 17th, 2010 at 2:14 am
Trash TV and films are a blessing when you want to turn your mind off. I don’t normally enjoy movies that much (too much of a short attention span), but have been struggling with depression lately and it has been so useful to sit down and watch a DVD knowing that for the next 2 hours I don’t need to think. People must have gone crazy dealing with these things in the days before television xx
June 17th, 2010 at 2:39 am
Trashy reality TV is the best to numb your brain since it has no resemblance to reality. Watch as much TV as you can take. I suggest Tinsley Mortimer’s High Society. It’s short but so full of DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA in all 8 episodes you have to laugh that these people take themselves seriously
I also went through Bride Wars. Absolutely trash-tastic
When you’ve gone through that and feel like ripping apart hipsters go here
Look at this fucking hipster
http://www.latfh.com/
I believe you’ll pull through this ’cause you’re a fucking samurai and TV is your weapon of choice.
June 17th, 2010 at 2:56 am
I only found your blog a few weeks ago (and haven’t commented yet which makes me a complete stranger) but I really wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about Max. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
I’m impressed that you have any tolerance for idiots at all.
Now I HAVE to go buy the True Blood box set…….
June 17th, 2010 at 3:41 am
I don’t watch TV at all except for Rachel Maddow (although not even her so much since the oil disaster) and Real Housewives of NJ. The Wives are an incredible escape and I’m grateful to the show for helping me tune out, and I haven’t even faced anything like what you’re going through.
Candles remain lit for you and Max, as well as Simone, Charlie, your husband and all of the Wolf clan. Haven’t taken off my Wolf necklace in over a week and a half. I’m proud to be your friend, and I love you. I am here for you always.
June 17th, 2010 at 5:02 am
Love is extraordinary but I guess reality TV is doing a grand job too xx
June 17th, 2010 at 5:03 am
He was speaking on my behalf, he loves tv and I’m a naughty mummy I let him xx
June 17th, 2010 at 5:06 am
When I was going through this really awful period of my life the only ONLY things that stopped me from jumping in front of a subway was my best friends and watching stand-up comedy on youtube.
Stay strong SW…………
June 17th, 2010 at 5:13 am
A classic SW post. And I am still thinking of you (thinking back to when a cousin and I were 16, and he died suddenly – having new empathy for my aunt and uncle now).
In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, “There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”
June 17th, 2010 at 5:17 am
Trash TV is manna from heaven at times. I watched True Blood for the first time Sunday night. Loved that “hard water” scene! Whew.
It’s true, love is the thing.
xoxo
June 17th, 2010 at 5:41 am
My heart hurts for you and your family, as a fairly new mother I just can’t imagine any of this, it some how does not seem real. I am at a loss for words sister wolf. I only wish I could in some way fix all of this for you. All I can do is think about you 20 times a day and send you love. You always amaze me. Thank you for being.
June 17th, 2010 at 5:54 am
Dear Sister,
I am so sorry for what happened, you don’t know me but my heart is with you. I light a candle for Max here in Paris.
June 17th, 2010 at 6:08 am
I refuse to watch this with my husband…it’s my guilty pleasure.
June 17th, 2010 at 6:43 am
Sending you love. love. love. (the housewives are ridiculous-in a good way of course) xoxo
June 17th, 2010 at 6:58 am
I’ve got to start watching the Housewives on the computer. And love, love, love, thanks for the reminder. It is all that matters.
June 17th, 2010 at 7:04 am
True blood is a winner of escapist tv! The books are good too if trash literature is your thing. There are 10 of them. Not the most fabulous writing, by any stretch of the drunk imagination, but they suck you all the way in. I read all 10 in a week.
June 17th, 2010 at 7:08 am
My thoughts are still with you. I remember when I lost both my parents when people comforted me with words or with cards, food, etc, it really meant a lot and I was surprised at my reaction. Someone takes a moment out of their busy life to express their sympathy. And even if they didn’t really care, it meant something to me. And the TV with all it’s mindless stuff to choose from, it is comforting in a strange way. I used it in the same way as you. Your grief never really goes away, but it gets a “scab” over it so you can go on. Was it the Beatles that had a line in a song “love is the answer?” So true.
June 17th, 2010 at 8:18 am
Sister, I’ve only commented here a couple of times but I read your every post and think you are fabulous. I’m so very sorry about Max. I’m thinking of you all a lot and sending you strength. I hope I can be as cool a mum to my two little boys when they are grown. Love is the answer. And so indeed is trash telly. x
June 17th, 2010 at 8:24 am
SW . . . I’m gonna fix your clock . . . and bring it back to you! I can’t believe that in your time of grief your were so giving, and compassionate, and looking out for me. You are something so truly amazing! A profound awesomeness! I love you! I’m forever grateful to the universe that we crossed paths. And I know Max is watching out for you . . . trust me . . . only an atheist can know these things!
xxxooxxxo
June 17th, 2010 at 8:33 am
Oh hells, my identical twins are named Sam and Eric. Well whatever, I think the names jive well. Re. comedians: Eddie izzard, Dressed to Kill. I’m sure you knew that. But still sending all my love and sympathy.
June 17th, 2010 at 9:57 am
XOXOXOX
That’s all.
June 17th, 2010 at 10:19 am
I’m SO glad that you have a TV fix that helps you cope. I was worried – the old heart can only take so much battering. I had to laugh at your description of “weird leftovers” in the fridge — bringing food for comfort must be universal. A great friend of mine who just lost her mother was telling me how there should be a line of grocery store frozen meals that are marketed just for the bereaved who might be without food-bringers.
When I was going through awful grieving pain a few years ago, I couldn’t bear to try to read and the only thing I could stand to watch was the documentary series from 1974 about WWII – “The World at War”. Is that bizarre or what! But it helped. It just takes what it takes.
Much love for you, and your Max.
June 17th, 2010 at 10:40 am
I take solace in a horrible British reality show called “Supersize vs. Superskinny.”
June 17th, 2010 at 10:49 am
Love is all that matters. Here comes some your way.
June 17th, 2010 at 11:04 am
my condolences. i wish i could do something to ease your pain. please be strong
June 17th, 2010 at 11:36 am
I am sorry. TV works for me too. Thank you for reminding me about trueblood
June 17th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Although I blab about the negative side of technology and make fun of hotels with TVs in their bathrooms…..there’s nothing like it. When I was going through tough times with my fiance and deaths in my family, I kept the TV running 24/7. It didn’t even matter what was on the TV. (Except for that one time I was on the outs with my boyfriend and Gilmore Girls ran the episode where Rory rejected Logan’s proposal….yeah, I got NO SLEEP that night)
Soul-numbing bad television is wonderful for times when we need to tell our minds and hearts to be quiet for just a minute.
Wife-swap is horrible horrible TV that will help me forget everything. Glad that you are also finding solace in the Housewives and their petty fights. If only the worse thing to happen in my life was that my psuedo-friend’s husband called me “countless” instead of “Countess!” The horror!
Sending a hug…..
June 17th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Sending you love.
June 17th, 2010 at 2:37 pm
Reality television is what saved my brain during my bout with extreme grief. That and my love of trannies. I can’t wait for Drag U to start on Logo.
*hugs*
June 17th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one into that hot gayness. hahahhaha.
You’ve got my favorite blog. Sending love vibes your way… <3
June 17th, 2010 at 3:53 pm
I am a little late to the party but I just ventured on to the lovely Mutterhals site.
This creature is, as we say in Australia, a kangaroo short in the top paddock.
Sad really.
June 17th, 2010 at 3:53 pm
And more than a little desperate.
June 17th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Never watched True Blood and I know I should. It kind of sucks that I need to catch up with and it might take awhile. I’m so far behind on some hot gayness.
I love you Sister Wolf!
June 17th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Sister…I found your blog in the midst of your grief. And I’m so so sorry. I have son named Max too.
But in just the short time I’ve been here, I find you wickedly funny (and I love when you write about “Sea” and Mom of “Sea”…because SOMEONE has to bitch-slap them. I think I read ALL of the “Sea” posts!). You’re spot on with so many things (as far as I can tell) and you love yourself some gay vampires. And I’m totally down with that.
You are who you are and there is absolute grace in that. Do and feel what you need to and make no apologies.
Take care, dear one.
June 17th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
The closest person to me that has ever passed was my Grandpa 4 years ago. And we were very close. I can’t imagine losing my son, even though he is only 2 and a half, I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. But when I start missing my Grandpa, I just look at old photos and take solace in believing that he is still here with me, all the time, watching my life (except the bathroom parts and sex with my hubby parts) and smiling. Good luck. We have a candle lit in Costa Mesa. xo
June 17th, 2010 at 5:20 pm
Oh Sister Wolf, I do hope that you are wrapping yourself up in our collective blanket of love love love love in front of the television. Do you need anything from the kitchen? I wish I was there serve you a steaming cup of something that you would find calming and comforting, or just plain fucking delicious …. xoxoxoxoxo
June 17th, 2010 at 6:25 pm
eric’s butt was a little strangely shaped. He needed more upper cheek definition, didn’t he?
i love perfect man butts!
i love sister wolf!
June 17th, 2010 at 7:18 pm
i’m glad the Wives are good for something.
love you Sister Wolf, i’ll be yo Mama
June 17th, 2010 at 7:49 pm
I’m pretty behind in my True Blood. I guess that’s what I’ll do next time I have a weekend of leisure! xo
June 17th, 2010 at 8:34 pm
WendyB- I meant to say Sam and Bill but I was still thinking about Eric’s butt. See Theresa’s comment – she is a real butt connoisseur.
June 18th, 2010 at 1:22 am
ERIC. That is all.
June 18th, 2010 at 3:00 am
I discovered your blog a long time ago, and I loved it, but then I forgot the name of the blog and I lost your contact…Today I´ve found it again by chance and I saw the posts about your son…I feel so sorry, with all my heart. I lost my mother a couple of years ago, when i was only 16 and I know who u feel when u loose the thing u love more in life, also I lived the pain of my grandma, who lost her daugther and this is biggest pain that someone can feel…Even if i dont know you, i send you all my love, from Spain to EEUU, across the world… We cant say nothing to make you feel better, but at least we try with our best wishes cause mothers deserve all the support
June 18th, 2010 at 3:54 am
It’s weird but I’ve never been able to seek escape in TV at all. I, sadly, have to have the sedatives to really escape.
All my thoughts are with you and your family, but especially you xxxxx
June 18th, 2010 at 5:05 am
Distractions work, I say go with it. Do whatever it is that makes you feel better.
We, out here in internet land, are here for another kind of therapy. Bitch and moan as much as you like. PLEASE. I think I speak for most when I say, we are here to listen and offer any support we can.
On another note, Breaking Bad is great, but maybe something like Gossip Girl might be good too. It would at least fuel some serious fire and rage towards stupid young society kids with 10 figure trust funds, blow-waves and terrible punch lines. That’s kind of fun, right? At least momentarily.
Love to you and the family X
June 18th, 2010 at 8:55 am
True Blood! Yes, Sunday is fun again! Here’s something just for you: http://truebloodtwitter.com/eric-bang.gif
Sunday’s episode was filled with homo-eroticism, and I thought it was fab! Couldn’t get through the first book, its so poorly written so I’ll stick to the telly. And yes, reality TV makes great escape too. My guilty pleasure is The Rachel Zoe project, talk about messes! Unbelievably I’ve been asked to appear on “Wife Swap” not once, but twice! Um, no thanks! Use whatever you can to help you, and like I’ve said before accept whatever kindness is sent your way — it goes a long way. And don’t be afraid to ask, so many of us are willing to do whatever we can to help you and yours get through this!
With Love,
Suzanne
June 18th, 2010 at 10:31 am
Even more LOVE if you have room for it <3
Have you seen Snoop's loving ode to Sookie? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8tODhvb47s&feature=player_embedded
I hope maybe that can help too. I too am glad the housewives are good for something. I already knew Eric and his butt were good for a lot!!!
I'm sorry! I love you!
June 18th, 2010 at 11:29 pm
I am a fairly new reader/follower, and I felt compelled to leave some words which you may care for, or not, but either way I’ll share them. You are the most “real” person on the interwebs (and probably outside of it) I’ve come across in my 26 years of living. Your commentary and opinions are always on point. While they are fueled with pretty intense emotion and ideas (that translates into some of the most humorous stuff) and misinterpreted by too many people, they are entirely self aware, aware of others, and importantly truthful. And I really love it.
Thank you for your wholehearted honesty, realistic attitude, and even willingness to share your life with us who have developed an earnest interest in and care for you.
kt xo
June 19th, 2010 at 5:23 am
Watched part of a Housewives reunion last night. Cannot believe all the fighting and complaining!
June 19th, 2010 at 6:41 am
Love is found in weirdest places, this blog is one of the weirdest.
June 19th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
All this I understand.
June 19th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
Haters gonna hate. The rest of us love you with all our hearts and think and feel for you.
June 19th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
Sister Wolf, this is my first time to your incredible site, but not my last. I want to add my thoughts and prayers to the many, many for your wonderful Max, taken much too soon, and to you as you continue on with life after his loss. As a stranger in this weird sphere we call the blogo-, this is probably a small comfort to you, but know that I am thinking of you.
June 20th, 2010 at 4:47 am
As I read this blog as well as the comments I must admit I wept not for Max but for you my sister and Max’s father. I can not begin to imagine how it feels to have lost a child. I treasure my children and love them more than words can say. I have been trying to keep up with your grieving process and believe you are handling it amazingly well. It must be all the love that is flowing your way from all of us that not only have come to love your gift of gab but your willingness to listen to those moronic people who don’t seem to have a clue about who you are and what you do.
To all of you out there who just can not bring yourselves to say something nice…. Shut the fuck up. You obviously do not have a clue! Or children.
Happy fathers day Max’s dad I know he is with you just look at the moon tonight or the stars. And to the both of you my love flows.
June 21st, 2010 at 2:52 am
When I heard the sad sad news the first thing I thought of was this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnBVR1kWgH4