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@tartandtreacly & @Hallie Amen to that. Whether black, white, hispanic or asian– as women we are often judged by whom we choose to marry, by other women. It’s sad but true. But as Hallie pointed out, blogs are a place for everyone to voice their opinions and if you choose to post your photos out there, you have to take the heat. I don’t post photos of my son because as his mother it is my duty to protect him, not exploit him. I don’t post photos of my husband at his request and besides, I blog about bags, beauty, couture, shoes etc– there is no place to feature him. lol
@Dru I agree, my family finances are no one’s business but my own and I wasn’t going to comment on it but I decided to in order to dispel the stereotype of the subservient young Asian wife (aka Mail Order Brides). Which, by the way, is often perpetuated by other Asian women! (That Marie Claire article on Asian Trophy Wives? Written by an Asian woman.) I am hoping to shed a different light on Asian women married to white men. If you don’t educate, people will remain ignorant.
I myself have been guilty of the same when I meet young Asian women who barely speak English married to white men old enough to be their grandfathers but you know what, that’s their business!
We want to pretend we are better than them because it’s humiliating to be compared to a Mail Order Bride but let me tell you sister, you’re not better or more superior just because you chose to marry a poor young white guy. Just like I am not better or more superior just because my husband happens makes a decent living.
I am often shocked by the lack of sisterhood amongst Asian American women (actually women in general). We attack each other out of fear and it needs to stop! Kelly and I attend the Women’s Conference in LA each year — http://www.womensconference.org/ maybe some of you should join us.
Ladies, I don’t eat ducklings…but thank you for the voices of sanity, Bag Snob Tina, Hallie (BTW – I wrote snarky comment about one of your posts, now I’m sorry) and Dru. I’m all for “Can’t we all get along” mantra.
Now, a little story from my neck in the woods in Ottawa: a few days ago I came home tired and not feeling well, and suddenly my neighbour showed up out of the blue with a delicious dish cooked by his wife; they live almost next door, but barely know me (I moved in recently). Today I went to give them a thank you card and a box of chocolates – I felt so grateful for the gesture. The neighbour called his wife and made a big deal out of me showing up. Then he told me that he gives everyone food from time to time (I’ve seen him doing it before) and writes Christmas cards to all 22 families in our little development. In 10 years, I was the only one who came to say thanks.
I feel so bad for the family and I wonder – why is that? Because they are Muslims, or because they are from Iran, or because he’s a cab driver, (most people around work for the government) or because all my other neighbours are 1)assholes 2)too busy to do anything 3)all the above?
Something is very wrong with this picture…
Though I really enjoyed listening to your vid SW, I didn’t think it was entirely necessary. You don’t need to clarify or justify anything. This is YOUR BLOG. [and I am not shouting at you but rather the universe because I can’t believe you even have to consider them when exercising your right to say whatever you want aaaaahhhhh, sorry]
It was pretty clear to me what was going on in your post and I didn’t find it the least bit offensive and/or racist. But then again, I was already thinking the same thing, so perhaps I’m racist thus incapable of seeing anything wrong with what you’ve done…but-then-whatever.
I love you. Feel free to rip on blacks. I do it from time to time myself. <3
-TIna’s comment reminds me of something I studied recently about how many speakers of spanish/english and spanish combinations/etc in the Southwest tend not to speak to one another in their most comfortable and natural version of spanish or english because either they are embarrassed of it or disdainful of hearing a different version of what they speak.
it makes me think of my own complete embarrassment when speaking spanish in Costa RIca (where I grew up and learned to speak spanish)
even though my spanish is fairly decent…i feel like a complete bourgeois idiot for having any trace of an american accent…and yet, how the hell can i help that? EVER?
anyway- the intricacies of the anxiety that stems from accented/faulty language are almost impossible to understand if you were to look at perspective (And i guess thats the only way to be PC about understanding it) and yet this anxiety is so much apart of so many people’s lives in the U.S. and everywhere. it makes this issue (and the mail order bride thing) almost impossible to talk about (or make progress in the conversation)
but i guess bringing up the issue helps at the very least as it gives the issue some stage time.
from the other end of it- haven’t the young and beautiful teamed up with the rich and the bald since always? Im happy about it because it makes for entertaining blogging….anything that runs on a pile of money is entertaining. Except my college education. i take that very seriously.
-speaking of entertaining blogging… looking at hair and lipstick color is probably a sisterwolf blog follower stereotype. and I can’t believe you made me giggle during a blog video about racism.
-I agree: ducks are awesome. after they are roasted and inside my belly. Im a supporter of duck genocide.
I agree with everyone here that the comment left by blackAja aka Mr Freddy’s Mom was uncalled for and racist, but lest we forget the first comments on that post by Leisl and Sam were equally ignorant and racist… I’m saddened by all the racism being perpetuated all around.
I want to thank everyone who came to the defense of the asian women who just happened to be married to wealthy older white men, and I just hope that those xenophobic commenters (aimed at all races) taught Some people to rationalize before talking.
Sister Wolf, way to open a can of worms. It was an interesting discussion in which I read every single comment and even followed to the comments on the Marie Claire article. What a learning experience to see some examples of how the rest of the world thinks.
Bag Snob Tina, sadly, I don’t like duck. My mother ate it when she was pregnant with me and spent the night hugging the toilette. Later in life, someone tried to sneak and feed me a bit without telling me and I thought I was going to be sick. Pity! Lots of duck enthusiast here.
I am often shocked by the lack of sisterhood among African American women. Speaking as a girl who grew up being bullied for not being “street” enough, I know about this first hand. It sucks, plain and simple. And though we’ve come a long way as a group, marrying outside of your race as an African American is still a good way to get other African Americans to dislike you. I think only within the last ten years, it’s become displayed in pop culture, thus acceptable to others who might have previously disapproved.
But like the Queen of Hrrrts, I have no issues poking fun at stereotypes in my race. Some are quite harmless, other not so much. It’s an interesting place, where that very thin line lies. And it’s been fun explaining all of this to my best friend, who grew up in Sweden and has lived here for seven years. She’s pretty intuitive and sometimes she just gets it faster than many of my fellow Americans. Though I like to think my family has given her the best first hand education of African American culture, possible.
The strange thing is that I never look at Asian women with white males and think mail order bride. I really don’t. When a couple is together, I always take into consideration that divorce rates are high and often it’s harder to stick it out than to just call it off. I do think about cultural barriers and how hard it must be to break them. Did her family accept him? Did his family accept her? There is this really beautiful girl, that I dance ballet with. She’s graceful, humble and kind. Her husband is white and much older than her and when I look at him, watching her, all I can see is the love he has in his heart for her and vice versa.
And I’ve always thought Hallie’s relationship was pretty cool. I’ve dated outside my age bracket and if it works, it works. Age sometimes has very little to do with it.
I hope Cricket9 continues to embrace her neighbors and encourages others to do the same. I can’t imagine being so generous with those around you and never receiving much of a response. My family was the only black family in our neighborhood for much of my life. We’ve been fortunate to some really extraordinary neighbors. Everyone should be so lucky.
While this discussion hasn’t always been a ball of fun, I’m really happy it happened. It’s provoked a lot of different reactions and there is something to be learned from all of them. So thank you Sister Wolf for hosting a place for all of us to explain ourselves or as Bag Snob Tina put it, step up on our collective soap boxes.
Wow, looks like everyone had comments even Bagsnob and Freddie’s Mom. Well, I’m lifeintravel lady. I don’t have much time for this, but I try.
I understood that SW had her point on ” wealthy Asian mom blogger” who married older, rich white man. As she said, she doesn’t want to hurt anyone; a group of people or individual. But one thing she forgot that she doesn’t know these mom; who they are, their background education, how old they are and their husbands, where and how they met, why they love their husband, and what their blog are about.
My blog is lifeintravel. Ofcousre, I blog about my travel with my family. I have featured my kid’s pictures, but I’ve never mentioned their name, their school…just simply their pictures. So, I don’t think that would harmful for my kids. I’ve rarely featured my husband’s picture, it’s maybe one or two pics…It’s my choice. As I said in my blog profile, I like to share my travel, food, and my fashion. My blog is something I do for fun beside my busy full time mom (not show off, btw). I like to have my pictures taken for my blog, again, I’m having fun (it’s nothing wrong to have fun. Everyone has different ways to have fun and enjoy their life)
Yes, I married a white man, but not much older than me ( just like Bagsnob’s husband, my husband’s “caucasian” genetics have not fared as well as my “asian” ones) I moved to Dallas 1994 when I had 2 degrees in International marketing and Management (I spent 7 years in university). Two years later, I met my husband at my work in Dallas. After 3 years, I knew him as a friend. 14 months of dating, we married 10 years now. Yes, I’m that old… My shopping habit is bad, but I have 2 girls that I will pass my stuff for them later on. I was lucky to have a great job before I had my kids. My husband also is lucky to have a great job as well. We’re thankful for what we have in our life. Traveling has built apprecitation, positivity toward life. It has also taught us “Outreach and Giving” more, something that I never share in my blog. It’s too much our personal to share here, but I think it’s ok. I like to be happy, peace, and friendlier world.
@Hallie- I’m sorry you end up taking flak about your husband’s age online. I think I once snarked about your photographs on here, and for that I’m sorry- but I’ve always thought you and Bobby seemed genuinely affectionate, as far as one can tell from a photo.
When your blog is a fashion blog, I don’t see the point in people criticising the non-fashion aspects of your life (in this case, your husband and son).
@Cricket9- that sounds really sweet of your neighbour, and so sad that no one has acknowledged his kindness over all these years. I wish humans could be nicer to each other sometimes, too.
@Hanh- like I said to Tina, you are not under any obligation to explain details of your finances (or your relationship) to us or justify your blog, but it’s your prerogative to defend yourself against the ignorant assumptions some people made. I would have done the same if I were in your place.
@everyone- like Cricket9, I’m all for ‘can’t we get along’. Peace on earth, goodwill to men- and women- and all that.
One of my most favorite quotes is, “No act of kindness no matter how small is ever wasted”. It is my mission statement in my urology practice. I give a every employee a pewter paperweight with that on it.
But at home, I have my paperweight on the kitchen windowsill alongside a small ACEO card some clever person made that says, “No husband has ever been shot while doing dishes”. It has a nice picture of a slim Caucasian man in an apron washing dishes.
I am half Korean (bottom half for all those millions of people who always ask “which half?”) I must say that when people ask us how we met I always say “mail order bride”. I find this less shameful than admitting it was a blind date. I can’t help it. 22 years ago when we met “blind date” was synonymous with a very bad cologne called “Desperate”.
Red lips! Red shirt! Red nails! I’m going to believe you were wearing red pants as well.
I’m Asian and all this is hilarious. It’s so strange that there is this assumption that you have to like/support your “own kind” (ethnicity, whatever) no matter what. I can dislike and/or judge other Asian people and I surely don’t take offense when Whites, Blacks, Purples, or Reds do so either. Well, maybe the Purples. Plus this whole fiasco is amazing when SW didn’t even say anything racist to begin with.
And clearly, Hallie needs advice on living her life. She’s such a horrible mother and horrible wife. That must be why her husband speaks her praises and her bubbly bouncy healthy baby boy looks so content all the time.
I don’t like parents smoking, nekkid bath time photos on the web, and sometimes SW’s stance on things. That doesn’t mean I’m going to judge either of them. We all have our differences and preferences. Since when do you have to 100% support or 100% hate?
My problem wasn’t pointing out that there are a group of Asian women who blog, but the comment regarding those women being mail order brides–which is not a comment SW posted, but a comment her reader posted. My comment and many other of the comments referred not to the mere presentation of a group of bloggers who were all Asian, but to the comment that referred to them as mail order brides which is an offensive way to refer to anyone. To refer to Asian women with white husbands as mail order brides is in fact a racist comment and I think most of us were reacting to that first comment. Calling a woman Asian or making a statement about a group of Asian bloggers regarding the content of their blogs is not racist.
I am Asian and I was not offended that a bunch of Asian bloggers were written about and the fact that they were all Asian was pointed out. I would not be offended if the contents of their blogs were criticized. I don’t delude myself into thinking Asians are above reproach.
But I was extremely annoyed by the mail order bride comment because it was so clearly unsubstantiated and seemed to be made just because these women were in interracial relationships. I am in an interracial relationship. I have a B.A. and I am working on a J.D. My boyfriend is in the same position. We expect to be fairly well-paid lawyers and have a bunch of kids and a nice house. Judging by his white hair and forming wrinkles, he will probably look 10 years older than me by the time we hit 35 though we are only 4 months apart. The idea that someone will look at me and think I am an uneducated woman who literally prostituted herself for US citizenship is appalling.
I don’t think the post would have taken its turn in the comment section if it weren’t for that one comment, which I acknowledge was not posted by SW. I’m a big fan of the blog and I visit often. I’m not overly sensitive but I’m not going to be quiet if something legitimately pisses me off.
i don’t have much to say about the progression of this conflict or whatever except to say that it is very interesting, thought provoking and hilarious.
i guess this is the best place to voice how i feel about the general… issue… of asian women marrying rich white dudes..
when i was in college my friend complained to me about white dudes hitting on her because she was asian, cute and small. it offended her that guys wanted a “hot asian girl,” and it didn’t seem to matter that it was her or any other hot asian girl. and then, like the cosmos making a point, i met a white dude right after that who totally unabashedly stated that he wanted to take asian studies courses to meat hot asian chicks. and THEN my COUSIN, a white dude, came right out and told me he was into asian chicks for their skinny, small breasted, small hipped bodies. and i was like, jesus. keep that shit to yourself. the topic was brought up in an asian studies class and apparently this bothers lots of asian women, and now i’m all offended for them (i’m basically white.)
so i can’t help but be slightly offended? irked? put off? when i see white dude/hot asian chick pairings only because of this series of events. totally my problem, not hating on people and their relationships, not my business. but some things just stay with you.