The Horror of Spanx

Why do you have to wear Spanx when you’re pregnant? Isn’t this a time to relax and celebrate your changing body? Since everyone can see you’re pregnant, why do they need you to have a compressed ass and thighs?

I hate Spanx although I realize they are a staple of most women’s undergarments. I once tried on a pair of black spanx in my size but it was like trying to stuff an elephant into a tight spandex sandwich bag. I barely got it over my knees. I didn’t want to fight with it. I wanted it to go live at my sister’s house where it could torture her instead.

I’m not against Shapewear per se but Spanx, never. To impose Spanx on a pregnant woman is to undermine her joy in carrying a child. It’s an abomination. A nice pair of stretchy black underpants is all you need at this glorious time.

Men, do you like to undress a woman and find she is wearing Spanx? Is it too late for a new wave of post-feminists to rally to burn their Spanx?

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31 Responses to “The Horror of Spanx”

  1. the real andrea Says:

    Not to be contrary, but when I was pregnant, I needed something to support my under belly area, which pulled on ligaments from the inside and was really uncomfortable. I was able to find these pants by a brand called Japanese Weekend, which didn’t go over the belly, but had a wide elastic band at the top which supported the under belly area. If that is what these spanx are for, I endorse them. If it’s to make you look less “big”, then no way.

  2. Cricket9 Says:

    I do hate constricting clothing in general and underwear in particular. Don’t have and will not have spanx in my wardrobe, ever. Why is the model (Goony Bird? or someone like her?) standing on her tiptoes? Is it to compensate for not wearing high heels/platforms/silly goat hair boots, which would look creepy with the pregnant belly? Well, it looks rather idiotic anyway.

  3. Andra Says:

    Cricket, I’m with you. I like to be comfortable above all else.
    It does look like Goony, doesn’t it?
    I’m not sure if Goony should be allowed to breed – hope that’s just one of those tie-on bellies.
    I lead such a sheltered life. I’ve never heard of Spanx and, strangely enough, I was happier then.
    How do you explain that?

  4. MG Says:

    This is ridiculous. Is this for all those anorexic bitches that are having kids because it seems fashionable?

  5. Lara Says:

    Oh this is horrible. I get “the real andrea” talking about tummy support bands but to tighten up your ass and thighs while you’re already pretty uncomfortable just seems ridiculous.
    I always wondered how unsexy it would be to get undressed in front of your lover with those stupid things on. Dim the lights and quit worrying about some jiggle. He sure as hell doesn’t care!

  6. Cricket9 Says:

    I’m told that stuffing yourself into spanx or similar “undergarments” is a MUST for the red carpet events – or your stylist (of course you have to have one!) will not talk to you. No spanx, no styling, you’re on your own, fashion police will smirk and snicker, not to mention Joan Rivers rolling on the floor at your expense. Tough life of a star or starlet…

  7. Tallulah Eulallie Says:

    Spanx worn under pants = NO. They’re so tight that they moosh everything together and there’s no definition back there. It makes your ass look like a keg. (Probably not the look you’re going for, unless you’re looking to attract a bunch of horny frat boys. In that case, carry on.)

  8. Luda Says:

    If I ever get pregnant, I will probably just be naked for 9 months straight. Wait, how much maternity leave do women typically get? Like a full year, right?

  9. JK Says:

    Yes. I see the toes pointing the one way, still I ask – has this photoshopper made some sort of mistake?

    The shadows seem wrong.

  10. JK Says:

    Crap. I missed that one.

    “Japanese Weekend?”

    What do they wear on Wednesdays?

  11. That's Not My Age Says:

    I’ve never worn Spanx or been to a red carpet event and I’d like to keep it that way.

  12. Dru Says:

    I have no problems with the idea of spanx, but I do not like the idea of tight pants leaving marks on my fleshy self. And I’m pretty sure anything that pinches you in that far will do it. If I must wear something that leaves marks on me I’d rather wear a corset, at least those have a chance of actually looking good.

  13. martha Says:

    yes, I completely agree with you. It’s really sad to see such a product on sale for pregnant women, that is one time where one shouldn’t feel obligated to look perfect all day long

  14. David Duff Says:

    Looking at that photo I am tempted to ask if anyone has a pin?

  15. thrift store lawyer Says:

    almost as bad as abercrombie’s push-up bras for pre-pubescent girls. the thing is, if you want to look sexy while pregnant, just wear a low-cut shirt and show off those maternal ta-tas. no one is looking at your ass, anyway.

    and if we’re going to insist the model go “barefoot and pregnant,” cant’ we at least let her walk on her heels?

  16. Kimberley Says:

    Why the hell are women so horrified at the sight of a little movement in their bodies?
    I’ll wager that men like a bit of sway in the flesh; I think its far sexier than, as Tallulah Eulallie said, the keg shaped ass.

  17. Cricket9 Says:

    You have a devious mind, Mr. Duff! But, what a sound it would make…

  18. David Duff Says:

    Cricket9, I know, I worry about myself sometimes!

  19. Andra Says:

    Well, you’re not alone there, Duff.

  20. dana Says:

    Seconding Andrea. When I was pregnant with twins, I needed a belly band thing and maternity support hose. Otherwise I could barely walk. However, none it of it was for looking sexay — hard to do when you’re pushing 200 lbs at 5’4″ anyway.

  21. Aja Says:

    Spanx = NO. Never. Not even remotely interested. (But during pregnancy seems so horridly extreme and sad).

  22. Denise (denisekatipunera) Says:

    4 months after i gave birth i was shopping for a brief cut/kind of undies. A sales associate approached me and handed me a pair of spanx and said the words i will never forget for the rest of my life – “try this one, you can still use this after giving birth”. I looked at her then she saw my son, i asked her why would a pregnant lady use spanx? WHY? She smiled. argh!

    okay i know how the bulge could take sometime to drop but isn’t that rude, I mean ask a “pregnant” woman to wear spanx. Who in the right mind would do that?

    but anyway back when i was pregnant i used some kind of support because my belly ballooned and my back is killing me. but never spanx. It’s a belly band. It’s a stretchy cotton tube, it’s comfy.

  23. dust Says:

    I wonder where does the fat go when tucked under spanx? It can be compressed?!
    Compressing unborn children is a genocide.

  24. style odyssey Says:

    Ewww, no. And NO to Spanx. My motto is (and this could change w/ advancing age…) if you “need” Spanx, then perhaps you ought to size up your clothing, don’t wear body-con attire, or take up exercise.

  25. Hammie Says:

    I’m sorry but when you have a human being in your vagina you cannot be expected to wear underpants. And when you laugh or cough you should warn anyone wearing suede shoes nearby.

  26. Petite and curious Says:

    Its like: Yes, Im pregnant BUT NOT SO pregnant or wtf? :D In my mind spandex is associated only with hiding something, making look smaller…

  27. Kelly Says:

    Wouldn’t that be bad for the baby? I wore just regular spanx and I felt like a little loopy after wearing it past hour 2.

  28. Rackk and Ruin Says:

    the best part about this image is that she’s up on her tip toes. . . just to make sure she’s looking her sexiest.

  29. Dru Says:

    Sister, I think you should read Caitlin Moran. Her newest book, that is. I have a feeling you two would like each other a great deal if you met, and she is hilarious on the subject of painful underwear.

  30. tartandtreacly Says:

    “Post-feminists”? I hate that term. The day when our patriarchal society stops policing women’s bodies (often with the complicity of other women), is the day we will be “post” feminism.

  31. ShoeTease Says:

    Oh dear, being pregnant myself I recently pondered in one of my delirious states, whether these existed. I guess my question has been answered!

    And no, I’d never dare wear them. My guts feel compressed enough by the baby as is.

    xo Cristina

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