Oh god, what a fucking travesty. I’ll try to break it down for you.
A large group of untalented people “sang” awful songs for an enthusiastic audience of vacuous industry types.
Lady Gaga pretended to be The Fonz and wouldn’t stop. She made you long for the meat dress. Britney Spears won an Achievement Award and thanked her little boys. Kanye and Jay-Z butchered an Otis Redding song by rapping over it, and Justin Bieber thanked both god AND Jesus. Is Justin confused, or am I? Isn’t Jesus their Lord or what?
Adele offered a moment of true artistry and elegance. She was totally out of place.
Chris Brown danced around in a white suit and then flew around in one of those harness things. He was no Pink, let me tell you. At least he didn’t punch anyone in the face, or not during the show, to my knowledge.
Beyonce performed an uninspired pop song, her hair blowing in a wind machine, and revealed her pregnancy by patting her small tummy.
Katy Perry won an award that belonged to Adele. Some guy called Something the Creator won an award, and a guy called Pitbull presented a mystery as to his ethnicity and popularity.
Russell Brand introduced a tribute to Amy Winehouse, striking a sour note by calling her an addict and an alcoholic. What a fucking cunt™ . I can’t hate him enough. He made things worse by asserting pompously: “There IS a solution.” No, you cunt, there is no solution to addiction except to not start doing drugs in the first place. Rest in peace my darling Amy, Max, and everyone else who could not be helped by 12 steps or 12,000 steps.
Tony Bennett was poignantly humble in his admiration for Amy’s genius. and played part of the video he made with her.
Bruno Mars horrified me by singing “Valerie,” but in the end he made me cry by singing directly to Amy. God bless him with his retro pompadour and his great horn section!
Lil’ Wayne came out and rapped about how angry he was. Every third word was bleeped out but one “Fucking” escaped in the last verse, in which I think he compared himself to John Lennon. He took his shirt off and ran around like a crazed monkey. I’m sure he’s a very nice person in real life.
That’s all I remember. Let me know if I missed anything important.