Golden Globes 2012 Exegesis

God it was boring but I must uphold the tradition so here it is:

Johnny Depp has finally jumped the shark, hotness-wise, but Ewan McGregor and Colin Firth were very do-able.

Madonna tried to get back at Ricky Gervaise for making a joke about her, because she’s too important to ridicule. She also forced us to look at her breasts, only to come in second to the magnificant rack of Selma Hyak.

Madge’s arms were painfuly lean, as were Angie‘s and Michelle Pfieffer‘s. Kate Winslet‘s arms were pleasingly healthy, and her young boyfriend glowed as she gave her acceptance speech. Elton John looked furious when he lost to Madonna, Leo looked tired and sad all night, and it was worrisome to see Sasha Baraon Cohen there without Isla.

Jessica Biel must be blowing some important people, because there’s no other reason for her to  present  an award.   Julianne Moore looked pasty but her long green earrings were fabulous. Nicole Kidman wore a breathtaking dress and continued the charade of being  heterosexual  and in love with that dopey country singer.

Angelina was stunning in white silk and billowing red lips. She turned to smile at Brad each time someone said something “funny.” Jane Fonda was glowingly well-preserved and knew enough to cover her arms, but she shot some actress a death glare when the latter stepped on her gown.

There were far too many mermaid dresses. Stop it, actresses! Only Beyonce looks good in them.

Clare Dane was careful to highlight her flat chest, as always. We get it Clare, you like being flat.

Morgan Freeman was eloquent and moving when he accepted his award, as was that French guy whose father won an award in 1965. The French guy was so moving that several actors in the audience mouthed “beautiful” with tears sparking in their eyes. Another French guy was sorry for being French, but no one forgave him.

Michelle Williams looked stupid in her childish headband but was heartbreaking in her ode to her poor fatherless daughter. Kate Beckensale got the giggles on stage and looked as radiantly pretty as when I saw her in Sephora a few weeks ago.

The Worst Dress award in my opinion goes to Piper Perabo, a see-through mess that bunched up in front of her crotch.

If I had to find a theme for this year’s show, I would say it was all about the love between George Clooney and Brad Pitt, two dreamboat humanitarians who clearly relish being so much better than everyone else. When  George  comes out of the closet, the drinks are on me!

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36 Responses to “Golden Globes 2012 Exegesis”

  1. ali Says:

    my golden globes tradition is your exegesis. also the word exegesis. I got my first tattoo today in red (Dial M for murder M, M for my sister Monika, for the movie which is my favorite, and for the poem I wrote for my sister called “I like M”). thought you should know only because its red. its a tattoo. and I can’t tell my mom.

    xo

  2. Sister Wolf Says:

    ali – and plus, it’s M for Max. M rules! I would love to see a picture of it.

  3. littlebadwolf Says:

    does anybody really care?

  4. laura Says:

    Tilda Swinton looked pretty cool.

  5. Heidi Says:

    Oh yeah, Mr. Clooney is gay, no doubt!

  6. Sister Wolf Says:

    littlebadwolf – Yes,

    Laura – My husband and I both shouted “David Bowie!” when we saw Tilda.

  7. David Duff Says:

    ‘Sis’, I upbraid you for watching all that crap but I forgive and love you for this:

    “Angelina was stunning in white silk and billowing red lips.”

    Priceless!

  8. Suzanne aka Punk Glam Queen Says:

    Boring is right. I got tired of seeing the plastic faces — Angelina was possibly the worst, her skin looked like it was unmovable and completely devoid of expression. Was quite happy to see that Jessica Lange didn’t fall prey to the injections though. And what was with Rob Lowe??? Christ he looked like a teen! Wonder what’ll happen when it comes out that all these fillers and injections will make your face fall even further than it would have if you didn’t have them in the first place? Wouldn’t that be amusing?
    XXX
    Suzanne

  9. Kimi Says:

    Jessica Biel *is* blowing someone “important” – that little douchebag Justin Timberlake. For some reason he has clout.

    Johnny Depp looked strangely waxen and lice-ridden. Ewan is as handsome as the first time I laid eyes on him almost 20 years ago. Colin Firth is a good sport.

    Angelina’s lips were mesmerizing. THEY should win an award.

  10. Cricket9 Says:

    No, Johnny is still hot; Madonna’s arms look scary as hell, and Natalie Portman had something seriously wrong going with her hip – on the left side I think.
    Maybe it was boring, but I bet still a lot more entertaining than the upcoming Oscars.

  11. Heidi Says:

    Oh, and I can’t even begin to imagine how embarrassing it must be to be Sean Penn and remember being ever married to that woman.

  12. Juli Says:

    Oh my. Where to start. I just went through the photos on TMZ and I’m astounded. I never watch the Golden Globes, but apparently it’s the awards show where the idea is to look as old and boring as possible? With a few exceptions (Angelina Jolie, Emma Stone, Claire Danes, Kate Winslet, Evan Rachel Wood, Mila Kunis) most were either completely bland or absolutely matronly. I mean wtf were Kelly Osborne, Amanda Peet, Jessica Biel, and Michelle Williams thinking?? Horrible. Just horrible. I had to go back and look again when I passed Helen Mirren and she looked younger than the four of them combined. Thanks for the distraction today Sister! It was fun :)

  13. Debbie Says:

    LOVED EVERYTHING YOU HAD TO SAY AND AGREE 100% LOL!
    Madonna ALWAYS has to show her tits – hate her. Kate Beckinsale did look stunningly beautiful. Angelina Jolie, wasn’t feelin it – hate her.
    Great post.
    XOXO
    Deb

  14. Debbie Says:

    Is George Clooney really gay?

  15. Debbie Says:

    Elton John told Ryan Seacrest on the pre show that Madonna didn’t have a fucking chance to win the song award. That French guy made me cry, it was so touching. My picks for worst dressed were Meryl Streep and Heidi Klum.

  16. Tallulah Eulallie Says:

    Loved the comment about Jessica Biel; apparently she’s not just sucking dick, she’s sucking the right dick! (And evidentally it’s attatched to someone who isn’t afraid of those teef!)

  17. gretchen Says:

    you might enjoy checking out Jane Fonda’s blog – she puts up untouched and sometimes unflattering iphone photos of all these events…

  18. Andra Says:

    Nicole Kidman … hahahahaha.
    I still refuse to believe George Clooney is gay… I am in denial about this in a big way.

  19. David Duff Says:

    But allow me to say that last night I saw one of the very greatest film performances by an actress I have ever seen. Meryl Streep as Lady Thatcher is simply tremendous. It is more, much more, than just an impersonation. She was helped by an excellent script that pared down a life to 90 minutes and often there were no words you simply watched the thoughts in her head and the emotions beneath the surface. Forget the politics, just watch a dauntless woman in a man’s world sticking grimly to the principles in which she believed. Streep was outstanding and deserves every prize going. Drama students should be made to study her performance.

  20. Sister Wolf Says:

    David – I was JUST saying last night – “There will never be another Meryl Streep.” She inhabits every character she plays in a way that seems otherworldly. I’m looking forward to seeing her as Thatcher.

  21. Sister Wolf Says:

    Debbie – Yes. I’m sorry.

  22. Sister Wolf Says:

    Kimi – I think someone was hiding under Natalie Portman’s dress.

  23. Dave C Says:

    Meryl Streep as Thatcher? What a joke. The film has been rightly slated on both sides of the political divide here in the uk. Fuck ‘em both.

  24. Sister Wolf Says:

    Dace C – Oh, surely not fuck Meryl Streep?!

  25. annemarie Says:

    This is wonderful! I never watch this stuff and I always rely on you for the exegesis.

    JULIANNE MOORE:
    Something needs to be done about this situation. Why doesn’t her make up person put some goddamn blusher/bronzer on her face? I like pale, but it must be served with the healthy bloom of a Kate Winslet or a Tilda (still hate Tilda but she has lovely skin). Who is letting Julianne Moore out of the house wearing that mortuary pallor? It’s a crime! How can someone so naturally beautiful but always look so tired and anemic and like they should be on life support?

    GEORGE AND BRAD:
    The “two dreamboat humanitarians who clearly relish being so much better than everyone else”– wonderfully put. Could not agree more. I don’t think people should cast them in films anymore because they are too good and too important to be pretending to be someone else.

  26. David Duff Says:

    ‘Dave C’, dare one enquire as to what the ‘C’ stands for?

    And further, have you actually seen the film?

  27. Bevitron Says:

    I don’t keep up with any of this shit. So as one of the clueless who kind of half-assed watched the whole farce, I really liked Angelina Jolie’s dress. Is that bad? And maybe it’s just me, but did it seem like old Madonna was trying really hard to conceal her boiling & seething just under the surface because she was so pissed that nobody pays much attention to her anymore? Oh, also, I love how the first time she got out on stage and talked, she started using that fake British accent, then dropped it real fast. (I wish old Oprah would drop that 1930’s Margaret DuMont great lady accent when she makes her speeches.)

    NOW I know what’s going on with George Clooney! Well, of course.

  28. candy Says:

    wow,nice analysis sister wolf. I would love to know why you think clooney is gay? I just have a feeling he collects girlsto hide his homosexuality. I have notthing against him being gay but I hate when people lie to others and pretend they like women.

  29. Cami Says:

    My boyfriend looks somewhat like Clooney (or at least people tell him that) and they also tell him he seems gay (or camp)… Oh god. If Clooney comes out I’m doomed.

    On a lighter note, THIS:

    http://gawker.com/5876920/nightmare-vagina-trend-luxury-merkins-made-of-fur

    is something that made me think of you! The next chapter of vadazzling or whatever that shit was called…

  30. Safi Says:

    Did you happen to see pics of Erin Wasson and all her naked glory at one of the after parties? Be warned, you can never unsee what you are about to open:

    http://gofugyourself.com/golden-globes-fug-wtf-fug-fug-wtf-carpet-erin-wasson-01-2012

  31. Andra Says:

    If we organised a petition to make Madge go away, how many signatures would we need?

  32. patni Says:

    methinks the material girl needs to learn that 4 boobs are not twice as good as two.

  33. Dru Says:

    The big surprise for me was Angelina Jolie (who is beautiful but normally has such boring choice in dresses) and Sarah Michelle Gellar (another one I wouldn’t have expected to see an unusual dress on, but that print is lovely).

  34. Elise Says:

    YES! What was Piper Perabo all about?! Usually I’d be loving that style of dress, but noooo… Did love Claire Danes tho, she’s so elegant. But def too much of the fishtail going on – and ponytails! Pony tails are for unwashed gym hair… :)

  35. Marky Says:

    Remember when Madonna had a human face?

  36. kels Says:

    I know for a fact Nicole is a heterosexual as I have many insider stories on her. She was banging Russell Crowe for years, in fact he may have been the reason her “marriage/contract” ended with Tom because that baby she miscarried was not Tom’s. I do know from many sources she is an ice cold bitch on set and starves herself and she bitch slapped her dresser on the set of Australia. Certainly the crew from both the set of Australia and Moulin Rouge couldn’t stand her. Got more on her but should shut up….

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